June 09, 2008
Knowing Me, Knowing SPEW
A few mondays have come and gone, but the SPEW is back and MEDIOCRE as EVAR! This week we talk Ultimate Fighting, New TV Shows, and Health 4 Kidz. It's robust, fragrant podcasting with a hint of Lemon Zest.
Also a VERY SPECIAL REMINDER: The Monday Spew is now available via the iTunes music store. Now you can subscribe to the podcast, as well as write VERY POSITIVE reviews of it. Just search for "Monday Spew" in the iTunes store or simply follow this link:
May 18, 2008
New SPEW for YOU
It's Monday, and that means it's time for another thrilling installment of The Monday Spew. This week we talk about McDonald's new chicken sammich, Starbuck's new logo, and Joey's new obsession with yeast infections.
Also GOOD NEWS for SPEW listeners who use iTunes/iPod/iPhone. The Monday Spew is now available via the iTunes music store. Now you can subscribe to the podcast, as well as write VERY POSITIVE reviews of it. Just search for "Monday Spew" in the iTunes store or simply follow this link:
May 02, 2008
The Monday Spew #4
Haven't you heard? Friday is the new Monday!
Today we discuss a wide variety of issues, everything from Jay Z's Basketball Beef to Grand Theft Auto IV's pernicious effect on the YOUF of AMERICA. It's bold, in your face podcasting with a hint of tarragon!
April 21, 2008
Monday Spew Episode 3
For your downloading and listening pleasure:
This week we do our usual pop culture update, serve the community AND I debut my new Monday Spew catch phrase. It's like a party in your ears and EVERYONE'S INVITED!
April 10, 2008
Monday Spew, Episode 2!
It's late. I know it's late. But better late than never right? Please enjoy the second episode of my podcast, The Monday Spew.
This week, we're talking about Remixing Radiohead, Blogging Yourself to Death, and Hair Coloring Solutions for Men. It's bold, in your face podcasting, with a hint of lavender!
April 02, 2008
Introducing THE MONDAY SPEW, a Joey Headset Podcast!
After months of preparation, I'm proud to announce a new extension of the Joey Headset brand: The Monday Spew Podcast!
Monday Spew: Episode 1 (RIGHT CLICK TO SAVE AS YO)
I'll be posting more information about TMS in days to come. Until then, enjoy!
July 09, 2007
The Monday Spew: Age of Love
In Age of Love, washed up tennis player Mark Philippoussis is looking for love. Will he find it among skanky 40-something bitches or will he instead hook up with perky-yet-intolerable 20-something hoes?
"Tune in when seven beautiful, sophisticated women in their 40's, playfully nicknamed the 'Cougars,' vie for the affections of 30-year-old Australian tennis superstar Mark Philippoussis, along with six fun, enthusiastic women in their 20's, coined the 'Kittens.' But only one woman can win Mark's heart. Is she an attractive, experienced woman who knows what she wants and has already carved out a niche of her own? Or, is she a sexy younger woman who lacks the experience of her older counterpart, but has an enthusiasm for life that only comes with the inexperience of youth?"
These are excellent questions. But I've got an even more interestinger question:
Yes. That's the question.
These dating shows are only as interesting as the "twist" behind them. Seriously, how excited are we supposed to get about a battle of bitchy, annoying post-adolescents vs. bitchy, annoying soccermoms? YAWN. That's not a twist. It's hardly even a tweak. Scarcely a twiddle. If you want to get my attention, and the attention of legions of fickle/jaded Reality TV viewers, you need to flip the script on this shizz... BIG TIME!
And that's exactly what I've done. I'm currently in talks with NBC to produce a new dating show that will REALLY get the bitties in the typing pool chattering during their coffee breaks. Here's an except from an upcoming press release:
"When it comes to love, age doesn't matter. But try telling that to a judge!"
"From the Producers of The Bachelor and Dateline's To Catch a Predator comes "Age of Consent", a thrilling new dating competition which asks the question: can you tell the legal hotties from the underage skeezers? Recently paroled bachelor Curtis "Assbag" Monroe hasn't been with a woman in over 18 months. Sexy romantic fun ensues when 12 vivacious bachelorettes compete for his heart -- and for a significant cash prize. The twist: some of these buxom beauties are only 15 years old! Each week these young women (the "Barely Legals") battle the REALLY young women (the Jailbait") for a date with Bachelor Curtis. If Mr. Assbag can eliminate the underage girls and select an age-legal finalist, the new couple will head off on a luxurious island getaway. However, if Curtis chooses wrong, he'll be humiliated by series host Chris Hansen and turned over to the LAPD."
This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call "appointment viewing." Keep an eye out for it this fall.
The Monday Spew: Special TV Edition!
Television: Our Trusted Friend. She's there for us when we're lonely, when we're bored... when we're depressed and bored AND lonely. So, you know, she's there for us pretty much every miserable moment of our worthless lives. HOORAY TELEVISION! TV makes us feel better about ourselves by showing us people dumber and uglier than we are. Then she makes us feel horrible about ourselves by showing us people more beautiful and talented than we can ever hope to be! But that's OK, because then she makes us feel better again by showing us people getting kicked in the nuts while wacky music plays in the background!
For her decades of dedicated service to the human race, today's Monday Spew is dedicated to Ms. Television. Stay tuned for TV reviews, TV previews, and for pictures of hairy men dressed up like Cher BECAUSE TRANSVESTITES ARE ALSO SOMETIMES CALLED "TV". But mostly, it will be about Television because I don't particularly enjoy googling for transvestite pictures.
So far as you know.
(If you can't wait for the Spew to begin, please check out this story I wrote a few months back about purchasing a new television. It is both entertaining AND educational.)
July 02, 2007
The Monday Spew: Fergaliciousness
I learned something interesting today. The word "Fergalicious" is derived from the ancient Greek word "Fergaepoli". This word loosely translates as "one who is filled with syphilis".
Wait... now I'm checking my Latin dictionary. "Fergalicious" might actually be derived from the Latin word "fergalium", which means "shitty Gwen Stefani ripoff."
June 25, 2007
Customer Service Scenario #1
Question: A customer complains that her coffee isn't hot enough and demands a fresh cup.
A) Say: "I'm sorry you weren't satisfied with your coffee, m'am, We'll take care of that right away." and serve her a fresh cup.
B) Take the coffee out of her hand, throw it in her face and (as she's screaming in agony) yell "SEEMS LIKE IT'S HOT ENOUGH NOW, DON'T IT, BITCH?"
Answer: This is a trick question. The correct answer is A *and* B. Great customer service is all about give and take. In this case the employee should:
- Take the customer's existing cup of coffee.
- Give her 2nd degree facial burns.
- Take an opportunity to show what happens to customers who whine about their coffee. And...
- Give her a fresh cup of coffee, just to show here that there's no hard feelings.
By meeting your customer's needs -- but only after inflicting grievous bodily injury upon her -- you're sending a strong message. You're telling the customer: "Your satisfaction is important to us -- BUT DON'T STEP TO US OR WE'LL FUCK YOU THE HELL UP."
Photo by Curtis Perry.
May 28, 2007
The Monday Spew: Gilmore Girls Cancellation Aftermath
The CW, which is apparently a television network (SHUT UP THAT JOKE SO DOESN'T GET OLD), recently cancelled long-running fan-favorite Gilmore Girls.
By "fan-favorite", of course, I mean that the show was EXTREMELY popular -- among the twelve or so people who can actually stand watching it for more than thirty seconds at a time. Hard core fans, who refer to themselves as Gilmorons, are very upset. What will they do without all that
inane asinine "clever" mother-daughter banter? Fans LOVE Gilmore Girls dialogue, which suggests that they've spent so little time around other people that they've forgotten what normal human conversation sounds like. This certainly jives with the Gilmorons' well established reputation as socially inept weirdoes who rarely leave their homes.
Clearly Gilmore fans were never particularly "well-adjusted" individuals. And, in the aftermath of the cancellation, many psychologists worry that hysterical fans might harm themselves. In the interest of preventing mass suicide, here are a few suggestions -- Coping Mechanisms, if you will -- that can help fans of Gilmore Girls survive without their favorite show.
Get Another Kitty-Cat: A Nielson survey from 2005 indicates that the average Gilmore Girls viewer owns somewhere between four and seventeen cats. BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS GET ANOTHER! Nothing takes the sting off of crippling loneliness like a spanking new kitten.
Pray for a Spinoff: The CW just cancelled Veronica Mars -- a show enjoyed by emotionally stable people who have personal relationships with real people. This leaves some empty space in the CW line-up for a show that reaches the creepy shut-in demographic. And what could appeal to that demo better than a Gilmore Girls spinoff! Daughter Rory may have left the nest, but that doesn't mean mom Lorelai can't continue with the fast-paced pop-culture savvy banter! The only difference? Now Lorelai's talking to herself! TV history will be made when The CW debuts "That Crazy Gilmore Lady Who Talks To Herself" this fall.
Xanax and Reruns: Pop a pill, pop in a Gilmore Girls Season 3 DVD. That's a recipe for Friday Night Magic.
May 08, 2007
The Monday Spew: Sir Mix-a-Lot
Finally, rap music gets some respect from the one institution that has heretofore withheld its props: the British Monarchy.
On Sunday, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II bestowed the title of Knight upon Anthony Ray -- better known to his fans as Sir Mix-a-Lot. Sir Sir Mix-a-lot, as he will henceforth be addressed, was given his title for contributions to the rap music arts and sciences. After his Knighting, Mr. Ray honored Her Majesty with a command performance, including a 25 minute rendition of Baby Got Back accompanied by the London Philharmonic Orchestra.
After the concert, Sir Sir praised Queen Elizabeth II, stating that "Her ass is surprisingly phat... you know, for an 81-year-old white chick."
April 23, 2007
The Monday Spew: Are you ready for some BINGO?
I like game shows. Not HARD game shows like Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune (I can never guess the words LOL!). Those are stupid. I prefer nice simple game shows like Deal or No Deal and Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader (as it turns out, I'm not). But sometimes even those shows are a little too tricky for me. In Deal or No Deal, you have to pick a number, then pick some more numbers, and then decide if you want to pick some more numbers or not. It a lot of work. Why can't they make a game where someone picks all the numbers for you?
They already have!
Bingo is a classic American pastime, enjoyed by 9 year olds, 90 year olds, and virtually no one in-between! Now, by popular demand, ABC TV is bringing BINGO prime time TV. This is a brilliant move. The only thing more exciting than putting little plastic chips on a bingo card is watching other people do it.
Of course, there will be no plastic chips on National Bingo Night. And no ping balls with numbers, no glue sticks or paper cards. N.B.N. is going Hi-Tek with this shit! According to ABC's press release:
"In the studio, a contestant will race against the studio audience as balls numbered from 1-75 are randomly selected from a giant, two-and-a-half story sphere set in a high tech "Bingo Plex" arena."
Two and a half stories... imagine how big they'd have to make the bingo balls that fill the chamber. They must be the size of a mid-size sedan. If one of those things gets loose, it could crush a few dozen people. I'd tune in every week just for the chance of seeing some midwestern family get mashed into paste by a renegade B-16.
Shut up, Elvis.
April 09, 2007
The Monday Spew: Hillary Duff's Dignity
As part of The Monday Spew, I'm going to review a new album every week. This week's selection: Hilary Duff's "Dignity".
Now, admittedly, I may not be the best person to review this album. I don't like Hilary Duff. And I REALLY don't like concept of "human dignity". If you think about it, a pop star with dignity is like a porn star wearing a chastity belt. NO FUN AT ALL. Pop-stars only serve one purpose in this world: entertainment. Ideally, they should provide this entertainment through music -- but anyone who's turned on a radio in the last 5 years knows that's not fucking likely. Therefore, popsters must entertain us in OTHER ways: generating sex tapes, stumbling in and out of rehab, flashing their va-jay-jays at the paparazzi every other week. Has Hillary done any of these simple tasks? HELL NO.
I liked Hilary Duff fine back when she was Disney Channel jailbait. But those days are gone. Now she's just another singing haircut, and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit through 14 tracks of her insipid dance-pop just to put a review up on this site.
So, instead, I'll just copy/paste a review of her album from Amazon:
* * * * * LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I own this cd,and it is my favorite of all cds.I have about 15 cd's,and this will always be my favorite!My dad got it for me as an Easter present because I love Hilary duff.Dignity is probably her best album.i love it.my suggestion is to buy it.ESPECIALLY if you're a big Hilary Duff fan like me!You'll love this album, I wouldn't lie.
Hey, the kid's got 15 WHOLE CDs... she knows what's up. But just in case the kid was lying when she said she wouldn't lie... here's a opposing viewpoint:
* * Not happy...
Okay, is Hilary Duff turning into clone? In this CD, all the songs are dance! She says she wouldn't want to abandon her younger audience, yet I hear all this and even hear a bad word in between! Okay, yeah, some kids may have girlfriends or boyfriends(I do!) but that's not what life is about and that's all Hilary says! UGH! Someone help us...(and her!)
Honestly, I never considered whether or not Hilary Duff was turning into a clone. We'll have to keep an eye on this situation.
The Monday Spew: Hello Pussycats
Screw American Idol. Discerning fans of Reality TV know where the REAL excitement is: On The CW. (That's a television network.) (No, seriously, it is.) America just can't get enough of Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll.
Sure, some cynical assholes might accuse PDP: tSftND of being a cheap Idol ripoff. They might also suggest that the show's respectable ratings can only be because America's Next Top Model fans are too stupid to operate a remote control without assistance -- and therefore unable to change the channel before Next Doll comes on afterwards. Pshaw! The reason why people watch the show is because everyone wants to know the answer to this question: WHO WILL BE THE NEXT MEMBER OF THAT GROUP THAT HAD TWO SONGS ON THE RADIO LAST YEAR!?!?!
Will it be:
Um... wait a minute. I've made a small error. The sexy ladies pictured above aren't contestants on Next Doll. It seems they are actually CURRENT MEMBERS of the group. Did you recognize them? Betcha didn't! In fact, I'd guess most people couldn't pick members of The Pussycat Dolls out of a police lineup. As anyone who's been to Vegas can tell you, trashy dancer girls are fairly interchangeable.
This leads to a rather obvious question: Is an exhaustive search really necessary when adding a new member to this group, when you could just as easily replace EVERY MEMBER of the group without anyone noticing the difference?
April 03, 2007
The Monday Spew: Josh Groban
I just saw singer-songer writer Josh Groban perform on Jimmy Kimmel Live.
This performance confirmed what I have suspected for a long time: That Josh Groban is more deserving of a savage beating than any other person, anywhere in the world.
April 02, 2007
The Monday Spew: PBJ Day
Yes, there's a day for PBJ. It's today: National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day. Take a moment to reflect on what Peanut Butter and Jelly means to you!
If you're on the east coast, you still have 30 minutes to make yourself a nice sandwich in observance of this holiday.
However, if you're one of millions of Americans with a crippling fear of peanut butter, you should consider celebrating PBJ day by consuming a delightful Peanut Butter & Jelly Martini. It doesn't contain any peanut butter, but it does contain vodka!
This cocktail might also help you celebrate Sizdah be dar, the Iranian version of April Fool's Day. Iranians play wacky pranks on each other on April 3rd, just like we Americans do on the 1st day of April. If you happen to live in Iran, here's a fun practical joke you can play on a buddy. Have your friend come over and, instead of serving him tea, serve him a PBJ cocktail instead. Then, when he takes a sip, alert a local cleric that your friend was consuming alcohol -- a grievous violation of Islamic law. Then, have your friend stoned to death in the public square.
The Monday Spew: J-Lo en Espanol
Hey, Jennifer Lopez has a new album out. It's in SPANISH!
As a fluent speaker of this language (I took two and a half semseters of it in high school), I'm thrilled J-Lo is finally busting out some Spanish language pop. You know, just like Shakira, except crappier.
For all you non-spanish speakers, here are some translations of the song titles:
Tu --------> "You"
Sola --------> "Alone"
Adios --------> "Goodbye"
Por Arriesgarnos --------> "For Arriesgarnos"
Como Ama una Mujer --------> "Hey Look, I'm Singing in Spanish"
Amarte Es Todo --------> "Check out my ass"
Porque Te Marchas --------> "I used to date Puffy (WTF was I thinking)"
Te Voy a Querer --------> "No, seriously, what was I thinking?"
Que Hiciste --------> "Bitch, Don't Make Me Cut You"
Me Haces Falta --------> "Oops, I Did It Again"
The Monday Spew: Cheesecake
Do you like Cheesecake? OF COURSE YOU DO. Everyone loves cheesecake, even lactose intolerant people (for whom cheese based products are a one way ticket to severe gastrointestinal agony). Really, the only thing bad about cheesecake is how difficult it is to eat. Here, look at this slice of White Chocolate Raspberry Cheesecake from the Olive Garden.
Delicious, yes... but that looks like some complicated eatin'! With the crust and the whipped cream and the squiggly red stuff -- I don't even know where to start. Why can't someone take the cheesecake goodness I love and deliver it in a more convenient format?
Now THAT's what I'm talkin about. It's cheesecake filling, in a tub!
"Ready-To-Eat Cheesecake Filling" is brought to us by Kraft Foods, the same innovators who brought us Kraft Crumbles ("They're Crumbelievable!"). "One Step to Dessert Heaven." Sounds awesome! But, as always, you've got to read the fine print. On the package, consumers are instructed to "Simply spread Philadelphia Ready-To-Eat Cheesecake Filling into a 9" Honey Maid graham cracker crust, slice and serve." Spread, slice and serve? That sounds more like THREE steps to dessert heaven, which is two steps more than advertised.
Of course, one must assume that most of the people who buy this product will forgo all three steps -- instead opting to eat the creamy cheese goodness directly out of the tub.
The Monday Spew: An Introduction
What's the Monday Spew? No, it's NOT how I spend monday mornings kneeling in front of the toilet after another late Sunday drinking session. Rather, it's a new feature on this very website!
A lot of exciting things happen over the weekend. But not to me. See, while other people spend their weekends going to clubs, hanging out with friends, overthrowing small island nations... your boy Joey stays at home AND WATCHES TELEVISION! I also surf the internet and read trashy magazines. Why?
SHUT UP CEREAL MASCOTS. I spend the weekend devouring popular culture so I can spend Monday regurgitating it ALL OVER THIS WEBSITE. On Mondays, you can expect a torrent of quick and dirty posts about a wide range of topics. Topics include: stuff, things, crap, whatnot, thingies. And much, much more! So on Mondays, stay tuned to Joey Headset for a variety of useless and annoying posts.
Remember: these posts may not be entertaining, but the time you spend reading them at work is time you're getting paid for, even though you're not working. And that's what America is all about!