September 18, 2007

Where the Sun Don't Shine

Do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling? You know, down there?

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No. Not down there. The other down there. It's the down there you're probably sitting on right now.

Yes, that's the one.

Like many Americans, I often wish that I could feel fresher. Especially after my bathroom activities! But, as usual, modern science has let me down. I can't believe that in the year 2007, we're all still using toilet paper: the same ass cleansing technique they used back in the 80's. The freaking 580s. I guess all those scientists are too busy with their AIDS and their Global Warming to figure out a better way for your boy Joey to sanitize his sphincter.

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SWEET TACO EATING JESUS!

It's like I've died and gone to SPARKLING ANUS HEAVEN! The fine folks at the Toto Corporation have used their rectal expertise to design the ultimate post-defication experience: The Washlet. What does this high tech toilet seat do for you and your nether regions? According to their excellent website, cleanishappy.com, the Washlet boasts these luxury functions:


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So, so awesome! And yet... it could be EVEN MORE AWESOMER.

I love the idea of getting a fresh blast of clean water after I've completed my excremental mission. But I'm worried that The Washlet only addresses the surface of the problem, the exterior. For a truly clean feeling -- inside and out -- I need a machine that GETS UP IN THERE and takes care of BUSINESS. If I don't feel a little VIOLATED after my post-defecation clensing, The Washlet clearly isn't doing its job.

Also, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to hook this thing into the water supply in the bathroom. I'd have to call a plumber, and you know how expensive that could get. Wouldn't it be easier to design a model I could just plug into my garden hose?

Finally, there's GOT to be some way a high tech toilet seat could connect to the internet. Maybe it could collect data on my daily... contributions. And then compare them to other Washlet users. Think of it as a High Score list for your bowels. Or, it could take photos of my bowel movements and upload them to the web. In a sense, this fecal blog would be doing literally what most personal blogs have been doing figuratively for years!

But even if the company makes all these changes to The Washlet, there's still a fundamental problem with the device: a lack of portability. Why should I have to get up, walk to the bathroom, drop my pants AND sit down before I can avail myself of the Washlet's functionality? Just thinking about it makes me tired. I'm a busy guy. I've got websites to browse and sitcoms to watch. I need a high tech toilet that goes where I go. If these guys are so freaking smart, why can't they just build the toilet right into my pants? Because it really doesn't matter how nice you make a toilet, if I still have to get up from my TV to use it...

Well, I'd rather just wear a diaper.

Posted by Joey at 04:47 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 21, 2007

Harry Potter: Early Review

As I type these words, fans of Harry Potter are currently lined up outside bookstores across the country, eagerly awaiting the release of the final chapter of J. K. Rowling's popular series of novels. Meanwhile I, Joey Headset, am sitting in front of my computer. I've got a beer in one hand, and a copy of the new novel in the other! I've actually had it for weeks. IN YOUR FACE LINE WAITING PEOPLE! While those suckers wait to pay full price at Borders or Barnes and Nobles, I bought my copy for $7 dollars from an asian gentleman out behind the 7-11. He was selling them out of the trunk of his car, along with an intrigiuging collection of bootleg Malaysian porn. Anyway, I've finished reading the novel and BOY IS IT TEH AWESOME!

The final novel in the Harry Potter septet is full of surprises. Surprise #1: it's only 45 pages long! Some fans might be disappointed, since the earlier books generally clock in at 400, 500 pages. Personally, I appreciate Rowling's brevity. I'm not what you would call an "avid reader". I'm really not the kinda guy who "reads". You know... "books". But this one is a real page turner! In fact, readers will have to turn through several pages of advertisements before they even get to the first chapter. Most of the ads are for local escort services, which seems a little inappropriate for younger readers. But there are also coupons for my favorite pizza joint! This is quite convenient, since reading makes me MADD HUNGIEZ.

Anyway, on to the novel. SPOILER ALERT or whatever. The book begins as Harry Potter begins his seventh year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft. Unlike previous novels, where the young wizard fights evil wizard Voldemort with his friends Hermione and Ron, book 7 takes Harry in a different direction. Harry spends most of his senior year the way most of us "muggles" do: skipping class and smoking a lot of weed. Magickal weed, in Harry's case. Makes you see unicorns and shit. Harry also starts a band and loses a lot of money on internet poker.

Toward the end of the novel, Harry gets pretty deep into credit card debt and has to go into hiding. He attempts, with varying degrees of success, to hide in plain sight, mixing into crowds in various exotic locations. This segment of the novel is largely presented in a pictorial format.

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While in hiding, Harry uses the alias Waldo. Apparently.

I'm not going to ruin the ending for you... let's just say it involves several more pages of ads for escort services. Anyway, the final Harry Potter book is a fitting end for a series that has brought endless pleasure to the sort of people who read Harry Potter novels. Therefore, I award it 6 Joeys. Specifically, 6 Joeys Wearing Goofy Glasses and a Wizard Hat.

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Posted by Joey at 02:26 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 07, 2006

One Line Reviews

Prison Break, FOX

The show's been on for eight months - COULD YOU PLEASE BREAK OUT OF THE DAMN PRISON ALREADY?

Bones, FOX

This is NOT the DeForest Kelley vehicle I was hoping for.

So NoTORIous, VH1

Attention Tori Spelling: You really don't need to "poke fun at yourself"; everyone already thinks you're a joke.

Liza with a Z, Showtime

No with an N.

The Showbiz Show with David Spade, Comedy Central

David, if telling those lame jokes bores you that much, imagine how we must feel listening to them.

The New Cars (band)

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Clearly someone tampered with the odometer.

Phat Girlz (motion picture)

Skinny guy dressed as fat woman? Hilarious. Actual fat woman "struggling to find love and acceptance"? Not so hilarious.

Posted by Joey at 03:57 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack