February 21, 2008
Your Next Cuban Dictator
After nearly 50 years in power, Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro has resigned. I guess the US economic embargo of Cuba (enacted in the early 1960s) was ultimately effective. THESE THINGS TAKE TIME PEOPLE!
Anyway, with Castro stepping down, there's a serious power vacuum in the country. Officially, the reigns of power have been handed over to Fidel's brother Raul. However, this seems like more of an interim arrangement than a permanent solution. To be blunt: you can't have a guy named Raul running your country. It's just too ridiculous, nobody would ever take you seriously. Come to think of it, Fidel is a pretty silly name too, but at least he was smart enough to execute and imprison thousands of political dissenters. That sort of thing gets you taken seriously pretty quick. But with a name like Raul, Castro's baby bro would have to massacre the entire population of Cuba, PLUS half the residents of Miami before anyone would stop giggling at the mention of his name. That's just not feasible.
But who has the COJONES to pick up where Fidel left off?
That's right, Cubans: I'm throwing my sombrero into the ring to be YOUR next Cuban Dictator. SHUT UP I KNOW THAT CUBANS DON'T WEAR SOMBREROS I'M NOT AN IDIOT.
Anyway, I feel I possess the skills and abilities that would make me an excellent candidate for the Cuban Dictator position. Here are just a few of the reasons why I should be hired for the job:
I've got the LOOK: Say what you will about Fidel Castro, the man has style.
Like Fidel, I buy most of my clothes from Military Surplus catalogs. Plus, I look great with a beard! Enough said.
I've got Madd Skillz: To be an effective dictator, you must possess keen analytical and organizational skills. I don't have either of these, but I'm very good at delegating authority. By delegating, of course, I mean "getting other people to do my job and taking credit for it". I'm also very good at blaming other people every time I fuck something up. This is an important skill because I tend to fuck stuff up quite often.
The final, and most compelling reason why I should be put in charge of Cuba is because...
I'm Sort of a Dick: Ask anyone who knows me. I'm an ass. Like Fidel Castro, most Americans despise me and anxiously await my demise. The CIA has attempted to assassinate me on at least three occasions, two of which involved getting me drunk and putting me behind the wheel of a car (at least that's what I told the judge). Really, the only thing that has prevented me from committing the sort of abhorrent atrocities you'd expect from a world class tyrant is the fact that I have no real power to speak of. If anyone ever made the mistake of putting me in a position of power, I promise I would abuse that power in the most shameful manner imaginable.
Cuban citizens, I ask you: by whom would you rather be oppressed: some jackass named Raul who only got the job because he's the brother of the last guy who crushed you with an iron fist... OR, some jackass who runs a website nobody likes and spends most of his free time watching TV and downloading pornography off the internet? I, Joey Headset, am uniquely qualified to provide you with another 50 years of the despotism and crushing poverty you've come to expect from your leader. I know you'll make right choice. Or at least you would, if anyone actually bothered to give you one.
November 16, 2007
How Arnold can end the strike
The Writer's Strike has been on for over a week now, and it seems no closer to resolution than when it started. Both the writers and studios are trading barbs and recriminations in the press, and neither side seems particularly anxious to restart negotiations. Clearly, there is only one man who can bring this strike to an end.
As Governor of California and a major Hollywood player, nobody is more qualified to end this strike than Arnold Schwarzenegger. On paper, at least. In reality, The Terminator has no actual experience dealing with unions, work stoppages, or economic catastrophes (aside from the catastrophes he personally initiated).
What Schwarzenegger lacks in real-world experience, however, he more than makes up for with his extensive *fictional* experience. A veteran of countless films, Arnold knows a thing or two about conflict resolution. Let's take a moment to consider how the lessons Arnold learned as an actor might translate to effective means of ending this strike, once and for all.
For instance: The strike was initiated by the Writers Guild of America East, the president of which is a man named Michael Winship. Schwarzenegger could travel back in time (totally nude, naturally) to when Winship had yet to be born... and slaughter Winship's pregnant mother. With a machine gun. Then, in a sort of "sequel" to this plan, Arnold could travel back in time again... this time crushing the skull of WGA West president Patric Verrone -- back when he was just a twelve year old boy. With both Writers Guild presidents Terminated, history will unfold rather differently. By 2007 writers will pen scripts for minimum wage, without any complaints -- lest they suffer the wrath of the film studios' army of killer cyborgs.
Though this plan is undeniably AWESOME, it could be hampered by a lack of available time travel technology. Sure, scientists can split the atom and cure gonorrhea, but apparently they can't figure out how to accomplish the simple task of sending a 6'2" Austrian man back in time. Pathetic. However, this is not a problem -- big Ahl's got a few other tricks up his sleeve. He could go undercover as a kindergarten teacher, kidnap the son of AMPTP President, Nick Counter. If Mr. Schwarzenegger sent Mr. Counter one of his child's fingers in the mail every day the strike continued, I think we'd see an end to this thing sooner rather than later. If this is too brutal, Arnold could always Get His Ass To Mars and lead a mutant resistance against the AMPTP. Sure, this plan may require that Arnold take some vicious testicular abuse from Sharon Stone, but it's totally worth it!
If all else fails, I suppose the Governator could don a loin cloth, pick up a HUGE sword and start impaling every writer and/or producer he can find. Facing the very real possibility of brutal decapitation, I'd guess both parties would be much more open to settling this thing.
November 06, 2007
We Don't Need No Stinking Writers
It's been a while since my last update. Regular readers can probably guess why. The looming conflict between Hollywood studios and the Writers' Guild of America has put me in a state of emotional turmoil. In the past, I've stated that TV is the only thing that makes life worth living. And now, despite my most earnest prayers AND sacrificial blood offerings, all of the TV writers have gone on strike. As a result, all of my favorite late night comedy shows have shut down, while all the prime-time dramas and comedies continue production... but only until they run out of scripts. Once that happens, all of TV will be a post-apocalyptic wasteland of reruns and hastily assembled reality shows. Also, I think there could be rampaging mutants.
I'm not altogether sure why the Writers Guild called a strike. I think it has something to do with writers insisting that they "get paid" for their work, particularly in regard to DVD sales and internet distribution. Myself... I just don't see what their problem is. This "internet" thing is clearly a fad, and DVDs are just a stop-gap measure until everyone goes back to sweet, sweet VHS.
Clearly these writers haven't read all those really clever arguments that explain why writers -- and artists in general -- should work for free. True, those clever arguments are almost exclusively offered by lawyers and academics (who get paid quite nicely for *their* labor). But this is irrelevant. The main point is that Culture is supposed to be Free. Not Free as in speech; not even Free as in 100% syphilis-free. No, my friends, Culture should be Free as in Beer. Although, as of posting this, beer still isn't free. You still have to pay for it. But I assume that the Free Culture Movement is working on some way I can download Guinness online, via a peer-to-beer file sharing network.
As a society, our only hope is that the sooper-geniuses who run television networks can figure out SOME way of keeping quality TV alive while this writers strike' works itself out. In the spirit of Free Beer Culture, I've come up with a few ideas. I humbly offer them for no charge!
Improvisation: This one is SO OBVIOUS, it hardly seems worth bringing up. If you don't have anyone writing scripts, just get actors to make shit up! I realize that this will work better for some shows than for others. Plot-heavy programs like Heroes and Prison Break could go completely off the rails if the actors were forced to improvise. Imagine, for a moment, that you were an actor on FOX's Prison Break -- and the director told you to improv your dialogue. If it were me, I'd be like "Dood, this prison sucks crap -- I'm totally breaking out of this bitch!" Then I'd walk off camera, which would be problematic since we'd still have about 45 minutes of show to fill. However, there are a number of shows where actors could easily BS their way through. The cast of How I Met Your Mother doesn't need scripts. All they need to do is be really annoying while not at all funny every time someone yells "ACTION!" How hard is that?
Recycling: NBC has been big into promoting environmental issues in the last few weeks. Why not put their Intellectual Property where their mouth is by recycling previously used scripts from some of their longer running series? The show ER has been on TV for what, 250 years? Just grab a script from one of the early seasons, and reshoot it with your current cast. There might be some continuity issues -- dead characters coming back to life and whatnot -- but viewers are quite forgiving about these things. Also, consider a show like Law and Order. Every episode is exactly the same -- so much so that I suspect they were ALREADY reusing old scripts before the writers walked.
Scabs: If they want to get those lazy TV writers back on the job, studios would be smart to hire non-union labor. Americans might change their tune on the issue of illegal immigration if the networks hire cheap mexican screenwriters to take over our nation's most popular shows. Personally, I've always felt that American TV had a lot to learn from Spanish language networks like Telemundo. For instance: how to dress up a fat guy like a school girl for MAXIMUM HILARITY. Also how to improve any scene through the inclusion of skanky girls, gratuitous cleavage and lingering booty shots. Or maybe studios should take a cue from the IT industry and outsource all the scriptwriting to India. I know I'd enjoy seeing a Bollywood style dance number break out in the middle of an episode of CSI: Miami!
Ugh. Who am I trying to kid. This strike is a catastrophe. Really, the only solution is to collapse into an alcohol induced stupor until it's over. All I ask is that is nobody schedule my intervention until AFTER the writers are back at work.
March 29, 2007
Racism used to be EASY. Back in "the day", you could make vicious, ignorant generalizations about blacks, Chinese, Mexicans -- without fear of offending anyone. Well, anyone besides the blacks, Chinese and Mexicans. I suppose THEY might have gotten offended. But even if they did, nobody cared... other than them. Bigotry was everywhere, and because it was everywhere, it just wasn't a big deal. Life was sweet (for racist assholes)!
Those halcyon days have up and gone -- just ask Mel Gibson. These days, you make one tiny little comment about Jews being "responsible for all the wars in the world" and everybody jumps down your booze-soaked throat! It's getting to the point where bigotry is more trouble than it's worth.
Well put, Mel! If you're brave enough to maintain your ignorant, racist ways in the face of universal repudiation, then so can we all.
But it won't be easy. The bread and butter racism of yesteryear just doesn't WORK anymore. For instance, you can't go around saying terrible things about black people. There are SO MANY OF THEM! They'll boycott your chicken restaurants, diss you in rap songs. Maybe they'll just put a cap in yo ass. In fact, I'll probably get a cap in my ass just for writing those last two sentences. And deservedly so! Face it, all the minorities that racists used to slander have gained significant power and influence. If you make cracks about them, they're likely to crack you back.
So, what's the alternative? Once again, our friend Mel Gibson has the answer. Recently Mr. Gibson was confronted by a college professor who claimed his most recent film, Apocalypto, was racist. Racist... against Mayans. She's right, of course. Yet... Whereas Gibson's anti-semitic remarks caused a massive backlash, his campaign to portray Mayans as ultraviolent savages with a taste for human sacrifice was largely ignored. This is hardly a surprise. Do you know any Mayans? I sure don't. It's a dead culture, right? Outside a handful of academics and activist types, nobody cares what you say about Mayans.
This is a perfect example of what I like to call Niche Racism. A Niche Racist is filled with prejudice and hate, but aims all that vitriol at marginal groups: dead cultures, sub-minorities, people who eat at Arby's. If you're looking to dangle your toes in the waters of bigotry, Niche Racism might be just the thing for you! All you have to do is select an appropriate group to hate. If you find yourself at a loss, here are a few suggestions.
The Swiss: Fuck the Swiss! They're a bunch of chocolate munching, clock-tinkering pansies, with their ridiculous pocketknives and lame-ass policy of political neutrality. And isn't it about time that blonde, blue-eyed people got a taste of the same medicine they've been dishing out to the swarthier races for hundreds of years? I think it is. Plus, when targeting the Swiss for racist abuse, you'll never have to choose between burning a cross or burning a Swiss flag. The Swiss flag IS a cross. So convenient!
Set this puppy on fire and it's like you're getting a racist two-fer-one!
Atlanteans: Calm down, I'm not talking about the fine folks who live in Atlanta, Georgia. Everyone knows Joey H. has mad love for all his peeps in HOT-lanta and, generally speaking, for the entire Dirty South region. Holla. Rather, the Atlanteans I'm referring to are residents of the ancient underwater realm of Atlantis. THEY SUCK CRAP. "But Joey," you might ask, "does Atlantis really exist? I thought it was a myth!"
Good point. My response: WHO CARES? So what if Atlanteans are a fictitious race from a mythical land? Doesn't mean I can't hate them. Anyway, who the fuck chooses to live under the sea? The only people I can think of are The Snorks, and everyone knows they were nothing but cheap rip-offs of the Smurfs.
SHUT UP SNORKS. Anyway, everyone knows that Atlantean men like to have sex with SQUID. Disgusting.
The Mongols: I don't know much about this ancient tribe that once controlled the largest contiguous empire in history. But remember: racism isn't about knowing things, it's about HATING things. Nothing makes you feel more powerful than pissing (metaphorically) all over such a powerful dynasty! In the 13th Century, I could have been flayed alive for calling Genghis Khan's Mongols "smelly little bitches with ugly beards". But Genghis ain't around no more, and his empire is well contained within Mongolia -- a landlocked country with virtually no arable land.
Aging Australian Movie Stars: Strictly speaking, middle aged Australian film actors are not a race/ethnicity. So if you go around trashing them, it's not racism. Not exactly. But, considering what ignorant, gay-bashing, anti-semitic douchebags Australian actors appear to be, you really can't go wrong insulting them.
We'll make an exception in your case, Crocodile Dundee. Your hilarious antics helped America defeat Communism and taught us all a valuable lesson about the importance of carrying a VERY LARGE KNIFE.
March 21, 2007
It's a great time to be alive!
Back in the days of yore, good health was in short supply. There were plagues, pestilences, infestations. Half the available food was rotten, and drinking water was so tainted most people resorted to drinking hard cider instead. Actually that part wasn't so bad. Even so, most folk spent their lives suffering one dismal malady after another.
But not us. We are lucky enough to live in an age of advanced medical science. Modern medicine allows everyone to live rich and full lives. Well, everyone with access to doctors, decent health insurance and the good fortune NOT to be afflicted with a disease that Big Pharm hasn't cured yet. You know, because they're too busy figuring out how to give a 90 year old man a 4 hour erection.
Modern medicine is so advanced, it can do more than just cure diseases... it can invent exciting NEW diseases. What, you thought diseases could only be fashioned by the hand of God? WRONG. Sure, God has unleashed some horrible scourges upon humanity (so He could "test our faith" or some such nonsense). But if you really want to cause suffering on a grand scale, leave it to good old human ingenuity. Weaponized Anthrax, AIDS, Pac-Man Fever... can't blame God for those! Plus, in addition to generating very real, very deadly illnesses, science has also learned to create very unreal -- but no less deadly -- IMAGINARY diseases.
All it takes is a little imagination, a big advertising budget and a complete disregard for medical ethics. Sounds like a job for our friends, the multinational drug conglomerates! Merck, Pfizer, Squibb: they've all discovered that it's much easier to develop a drug first, THEN concoct the fictitious disease the new drug can treat. Here are some of these not-actually-existant illnesses:
Restless Leg Syndrome: Like the old song goes, "I got rhythm, I got music... I got an uncontrollable urge to jerk my limbs around like a muppet with epilepsy!" You know, there was a time when I thought *I* suffered from this syndrome. I don't like sitting still for more than 5 minutes at a time, and my legs DO get restless. However, it turns out that being fidgety is NOT A MEDICAL CONDITION. Rather, it's proof that human beings weren't designed to sit at a fucking desk all day long. Attention RLS sufferers: you don't need a prescription. You need to get up off your ass and take a walk. Stretch the legs a little bit. Do the fucking Hokey Pokey and shake it all about if you need to, just don't pretend you've got a disease. You don't.
Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder: You know how females are crazy? Not crazy in a cute or charming way, like Martin Lawrence's "You So Crazy". More of a Charles Manson/Jeffrey Dahmer crazy. Well, women often blame their lunacy on something called "PMS". You may have heard of it. Now, thanks to the drug companies, women everywhere can claim a new "disorder" -- one which authorizes them to jack up the crazy further than even PMS permitted! Introducing PMDD. It's like PMS, to the EXTREEM! Of course, the drug companies never invent a disease without a pill to treat it. In this case, it's a birth control pill called Yaz. No, not this Yaz. THIS Yaz:
I always wondered what women talk about when I'm not around. Apparently, they talk about potential birth control side effects. Fun.
Social Anxiety Disorder: Speaking of women, here's an interesting fact: Women like nothing better than to humiliate each other in social settings! Of course, they also enjoy emasculating men. And ladies, did you know that when you walk into a room, men stare at you, critiquing your physique and your choice of shoes? It's true. The term Social Anxiety Disorder was invented by the drug companies to convince YOU that crippling social anxiety is some kind of psychological malfunction. It isn't. You SHOULD be nervous around other people, because other people think you're ugly and worthless. And no medication can change that.
Alcoholism: What idiot decided that excessive drinking was a disease? I always thought it was more of a charming character quirk. There isn't even a PILL that treats this condition, so what's the point of pretending it's a medical issue? If you want to make a disease out of something, why not get the medical community cracking on a cure for hangovers! A REAL hangover cure, none of this raw egg, worcester sauce nonsense. Bottom line, I'm tired of people telling me that alcoholism is a disease. Like I said at my last intervention: "I don't have a problem. YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM."
January 08, 2007
Random Thoughts: Urban Edition
Sometimes my mind fills up with random and useless thoughts. Rather than ignoring these thoughts, like normal people do, I post them on the internet. Please enjoy.
Worst ever name for a rapper: Young Jeezy.
ATTN. Common: Years from now when you wonder when it all went wrong, know this: Your career ended the moment you uttered the phrase "Dave Champipple" in a Gap commercial.
If Fox wants their medical drama "House" to appeal to a more urban demographic, they should consider changing the name of the show to "Hizzy".
Every time I hear 50 Cent rap about sex, abstinence seems more and more appealing.
I wish Shaquille O'Neil would retire from the NBA so he can get back to doing what he does best: rapping. (Fast-forward to the 3:10 mark. It's worth it.)
Regarding the future career prospects of rapper The Game, I believe Bill Paxton said it best.
ATTN. Gwen Stefani: take a cue from Jewel: STOP YODELING.
So-called nerdcore rappers whose rhymes focus on video games and obscure computer references should be treated the same as great rappers like Tupac and Biggie. They should be shot.
Runner up for worst rap name: Tony Yayo.
If nothing else, mashups have taught us this: when you combine one shitty song with another shitty song, the result is (wait for it!) a shitty song.
When rappers refer to women as "bitches," it isn't because they don't respect women. It's because they don't respect bitches.
Hip hop music is responsible for some of the most appealing cliches in the history of popular culture. I encourage all rappers to embrace those cliches! If the good Lord didn't want us to rhyme "bitches" with "switches" He wouldn't have made those words rhyme in the first place.
Ol Dirty Bastard isn't dead. He faked his own death and now he's in hiding. One day he will return. WITH AN ARMY.
October 18, 2006
Supplementing My Income
I'm always looking for ways to earn a little extra money. Well... "earn" might not be the right word. That suggests I'm willing to work for the money, which isn't really my thing. For this reason, I was thrilled to discover that I could bring in some extra cash playing poker on the internet. I'm not a very good poker player, but there are many players who are even worse than I am! It's pretty easy to take their money. Plus, I don't have to get up from my computer, which is WHERE I KEEP MY PORN.
What a perfect situation. So perfect, congress decided to make it illegal.
You see, Internet Poker is a threat to National Security. Specifically, it threatens our ports -- that's why they added an anti-poker amendment to a port security bill. I'm not sure how poker threatens the ports... maybe they're afraid that customs officials will be so busy "check-rasing the flop" that they won't notice while terrorists smuggle WMDs into the suburbs.
Also, it turns out that gambling is IMMORAL and BAD FOR SOCIETY. The Republicans who passed the law said so, and they're sort of experts when it comes to morality and stuff! Did you know that poker kills over 30,000 people every year? Wait... no, that's firearms, and we all know there's nothing immoral about unrestricted gun ownership. Anyone who says differently is just begging to get shot.
The good news for me is that the internet poker law can't be effectively enforced. I could easily continue playing without fear of imprisonment. But if poker truly is immoral, I should find a new method of supplementing my income... one that is harmonious with the moral values of our Republican congress. War Profiteering seems to be pretty popular -- particularly among the people who voted to make poker illegal. But how am I supposed to make money off of people murdering each other overseas? I can't even make money off of people killing each other here in the US. Believe me, I've tried.
I heard that some people get paid NOT to grow corn... that sounds like something I could do. I'm already very good at not growing corn! However, I think you have to live in the middle of the country and own a crapload of land in order to get money for not growing stuff. I think that's totally unfair, but there's nothing I can do about it.
Fortunately, I just devised a great money making plan that beats war profiteering AND scamming agricultural subsidies:
A new and ultra-conservative Supreme Court is gearing up to overturn Roe Vs. Wade -- the court case that established abortion as a constitutional right. Once they do that, most states will pass all sorts of laws preventing doctors from performing procedures that would terminate a pregnancy. This is where I step in! Every prohibition creates a black market, and you know that women aren't going to stop getting themselves knocked up just because a bunch of angry old men took away their "Plan B". This is where your boy Joey steps in!
I know that most people think that abortion is a "medical procedure" that should be performed by "real doctors" with "medical training". But if the government makes the procedure illegal for doctors, I'm guessing these preggo bitches will have to take what they can get. And what they can get is ME. Anyway, how hard can it be to terminate a pregnancy? Can't be any harder than causing a pregnancy, and that shit's so easy, you can do it accidentally.
Obviously, I'd need to to a little research... mostly to figure out which part of a woman's body contains the fetus (or "baby sac" as it is more commonly known). I'm pretty sure the fetus is near the femur, but I'll need to double-check that. Once I track down the baby-zone, all I need to do is [CENSORED, SEE COMMENTS FOR MORE INFORMATION]. It's that simple! And these don't have to be "back-alley" abortions. We could do them anywhere: in basements, garages... behind the dumpster out by Applebee's. It's all good!
I really feel good about my new part-time gig. Abortion is lucrative, ethical and I figure it's a great way of meeting young women who aren't afraid to "give up the booty". I mean, that's how they ended up preggers in the first place.
It is... isn't it?
August 13, 2006
In Defense of Video Game Violence
Liberals and conservatives rarely agree -- about anything. And, as a general rule, when liberals and conservatives do agree about something, you can be pretty sure they're both TOTALLY WRONG. Think about it: conservatives suck, liberals suck... the only thing stopping them both from being wrong ALL the time is the fact that they usually adopt contradictory positions. When a rare consensus occurs between these two warring tribes, one can confidently reject whatever premise both sides have agreed upon.
For instance, both liberals and conservatives agree that violent video games are causing irreparable harm to America's youth. They believe that violent games create violent kids... even when those "kids" are 38 years old and still live in their parents' basement. Personally, I think violent video games are harmless. I've played them my entire life and I haven't killed anyone. Yet.
However, I may have to reconsider my position on this. A recent study at Iowa State University proves that violent video games desensitize players to real-world violence. On the surface, this seems like a bad thing. If kids get desensitized to violence, they may start committing acts of violence. This wouldn't be a problem if it weren't possible that one of these kids might do something violent to ME. That's not acceptable. So, I guess I should be against violent games. Yet... it just doesn't seem right to come out against something that has given me so much pleasure over the years.
After giving it some thought, I've come to the conclusion that there's nothing wrong with games that desensitize people to real-world violence. Face it: the world is a violent and horrible place. Murder, rape, torture... you can't turn on the news without hearing about one of the three. If America's youth could fully experience the horror of the world they were unfortunate enough to be born into, they wouldn't be able to cope. They'd all collectively dump rat poison into their Frosted Flakes and be done with it. THANK GOD violent video games exist. If simulated violence allows children to deal with the very real violence that predominates their existence, who are we to take that away from them?
This brings me to another point: Why are we focusing on the desensitizing effect that real violence has on video games when the REAL tragedy is the effect that actual violence has on MY ENJOYMENT of violence simulations. I don't know about you, but I enjoy games that allow me to BLOW PEOPLE UP. Seeing a cascade of blood and disembodied limbs never fails to bring a smile to my face when I'm kicking back with my PS2. But then I turn on the news and I see real people in Lebanon or Israel who have been blown to bits... and I start to feel GUILTY about playing these games. I don't want to see the consequences of violence: weeping relatives of maimed children and mass graves and all that mess. Violence with consequences is like sex with consequences: still quite fun, but not as fun as it would be without the consequences.
If only the leaders of Israel and Lebanon realized how their petty little conflict affected my ability to enjoy Grand Theft Auto... surely they would end hostilities and put all their differences behind them. Please, won't SOMEBODY think of the gamers?
June 27, 2006
What do these three people have in common?
OK... what else do these three have in common? Well, they're all obnoxious, they're all British and they are all icons on Reality TV. Gordon Ramsay stars in FOX's Hell's Kitchen, where he screams and curses at would-be chefs. Because nothing improves the flavor of food like an endless torrent of verbal abuse. Simon Cowell, of course, is the Bad Cop to Paula Abdul's Good Cop (and Randy Jackson's Inane Cop) on American Idol. And, if you recall, Anne Robinson was the host of NBC's Weakest Link. When she wasn't uttering her infuriating catch-phrase, Robinson viciously insulted the contestants.
In fact, the real similarity between these three personalities is that their fame is derived entirely from their ability to insult regular people. Personally, I don't understand why Americans find these people so appealing. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand why viewers like to see regular folk getting ridiculed and humiliated. That's just good television. But why must it always be some limey bastard or bastress doing the insulting? We have no shortage of perfectly capable disparagers in the US: Don Rickles, Howard Stern, Louis Black, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Why outsource all the best insult jobs when we've got so much insult talent right here on American soil?
Furthermore, the fact that these jobs are being given to foreigners really hurts someone who is very important to me. ME! I'm not good at many things. I'm not that smart, don't have math skills, can't fix things, don't relate to people all that well; I'm often told I don't smell particularly nice. Really, the only thing I'm good at is insulting people -- and there are not that many opportunities for me to do this on a professional basis. Therefore, when TV networks hire the Brits to fill what limited positions there are in this field -- it's an unforgivable slap in the face.
For this reason, I'm boycotting any show which features a foreigner insulting an American. If citizens of this wonderful country are to be humiliated on TV, our National Humiliation should be administered by one of our own.
June 19, 2006
No More Nerdcore
What happens when you combine video games, white people and rap music?
Nothing good. Case in point:
This video, by the Canadian group 64K, is part of a disturbing trend. Some refer to this new musical genre as Nerdcore or Geeksta rap, but you need not invent new terminology when old terms like "weak" and "crap" still work just fine. White people rapping about video games and computers over thift store synthesizer rhythms may seem like good idea on paper, but... Actually, even on paper it seems like a bad idea. A VERY VERY BAD IDEA.
You know, there's a reason why rap lyrics have historically focused on topics such as selling drugs and shooting people: because these topics are AWESOME. If I sold drugs and shot people, I would talk about it ALL THE TIME. If, however, I spent most of my time watching Star Wars and playing ancient Nintendo games -- that's the sort of personal information I would opt to keep private. I wouldn't talk about it... AND I SURE AS HELL WOULDN'T RAP ABOUT IT.
Look, I understand why the "geek community" embraces these rappers. Nerdcore allows dorks and losers to briefly imagine that wallowing in pop culture minutia can turn you into a BADASS -- if you do it to an old skool casio beat. However, this is merely a fantasy, and a dangerous one at that. Despite the modern self-empowerment craze, the world functions best when everyone feels precisely as powerful as they are. For geeks, low self-esteem is a necessary self-defense mechanism. If they start feeling more powerful than they actually are, this newfound confidence will only serve to instigate brutal asskickings (on those rare occasions when geeks wander out of their basements). Killing someone for their gold chain makes you a badass, beating Super Mario Bros. in under 5 minutes earns you nothing more than calloused thumbs and a perversely impoverished social life. Like it or not, that's how the world is.
Therefore, I call upon everyone to avoid geek-rap. If you want to listen to rap, don't fuck around with mc chris or MC Frontalot. Go and buy yourself an NWA CD, instead. You'll be glad you did.
May 25, 2006
No Photos Please
You've probably seen this picture:
Allegedly, this image is from a women's soccer hazing ritual that went down at Northwestern University. Hazing is a divisive issue in college athletics, and I believe that each side of the debate has a valid...
Oh, fuck it, I don't care. If you want to read serious opinions about this incident, go somewhere else. I don't care about hazing for the same reason I don't care about ethno-political violence in Darfur: BECAUSE IT DOESN'T SPECIFICALLY AND IMMEDIATELY AFFECT ME. Anyway, it's a tough issue. Hazing is certainly abusive and unnecessary, but if it allows me to see drunk college girls in their underwear, who am I to bite the hand that feeds?
However, I must admit that these images do disturb me. Not because those poor Northwestern girls have been humiliated, but because the circumstances surrounding their humiliation could easily lead to my own.
You see, I'm the sort of person who tends to do offensive and embarrassing things. In public. CONSTANTLY. Hardly a week goes by that I don't do something that brings shame upon myself and my family. Fortunately, that shame generally has a limited shelf-life. When I do something stupid, a few people see me do it, they tell their friends what an ass I am... and eventually people forget about it.
That last part is critical: eventually people forget. But they won't forget those Northwestern girls -- because someone decided it would be a good idea to take photos. People on the cable news networks argue about NSA wiretaps and CIA surveillance, but no one wants to talk about the real threat to our privacy: cheap digital cameras and the assholes who carry them EVERYWHERE. Every social event I attend, someone is taking photos. Maybe they send them to their friends, perhaps they post them on their blogs. They might even be saving them for future blackmail schemes. Ultimately, it doesn't matter why they take the photos... the mere presence of the cameras could have a terrible chilling effect on my tendency toward disgraceful and lewd public acts.
In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I am one of those camera wielding assholes -- but NOT WILLINGLY. I recently discovered that my mobile phone has a camera on it! Obviously, I don't know how to use it -- not because because I'm stupid but because I'm lazy. I don't bother learning to use technology I don't need. If my toaster-oven had a built in electron microscope, I wouldn't learn to use it just so I could see what my bagel looks like at x10,000 magnification.
Why can't they add features to cell phones that are actually useful?
April 20, 2006
So you're at a fancy restaurant, and you've ordered a nice meal. Pasta perhaps... or maybe the grilled fish special. Eventually, your waiter arrives and serves you -- not the dish you ordered -- but instead, a large pile of dog shit. Do you eat it?
No, of course you don't. You're a classy individual and you generally choose not to eat dog shit.
Now, let's repeat this scene, with one minor change. Again, you're at the restaurant and the waiter serves you a pile of dog shit. But this time, as he places this plate of canine feces before you - he WINKS at you. He winks at you as if to say, "Heh, it's dog shit. Get it?" This time, do you eat it?
"No Joey, I would never eat dog shit! Ape shit, maybe... but NEVER dog shit!"
Don't be so sure, hypothetical respondent! You might be eating metaphorical dog shit right now, and not even know it.
You see, it all relates to something I like to call "ironic recontextualization". I could probably call it something else, something more descriptive and less pretentious, but SHUT UP I'LL CALL IT WHATEVER THE FUCK I LIKE!
Anyway, ironic recontextualization is what happens when you take something that sucks, and repackage it so that suckiness becomes its chief selling point. It's sort of like a Jedi Mind Trick -- if the Jedi had been a bunch of assholes who worked in marketing departments.
Here's an example of this troubling phenomenon. Many young, hip people enjoy Adult Swim, the late night adult-themed programming block on the Cartoon Network. They show reruns of Futurama and Family Guy, as well as original animated series such as Aqua Teen Hunger Force and The Boondocks (which is TEH AWESOME!). Being on the Cartoon Network, Adult Swim only showed animation -- until now. A couple of weeks ago, Adult Swim announced that they would be airing episodes of Saved By the Bell.
Yes, that Saved By the Bell. Adult Swim fans, such as myself, wondered why they had decided to disrupt their quality adult-animation block with a hideous live-action kids show from the late 80s. At first, I assumed it was a rather delayed April Fool's joke. However, as the network continued to run promos for the show, I realized that Adult Swim was actually executing a quintessential act of ironic recontextualization. Adult Swim is no longer a mere "programming block", it has become a BRAND. People associate this brand with edgy and original programming. With the brand thusly established, they decided that they could take any old piece of crap out of the anals (sic) of television, slap an Adult Swim watermark on it, and it would retain the supercool brand image.
Remember that pile of dog shit you got served at the fancy restaurant? Ironic recontextualization in its purest form.
Of course, everyone doesn't respond positively when they' were served a steaming pile of recontextualized irony. When Adult Swim announced they were showing Saved By the Bell reruns, their message boards went batshit crazy. So what did Adult Swim do? They recontextualized all that angry feedback. Ironically.
Another example of this dubious marketing strategy can be seen on VH1's So NoTORIous. One can imagine what transpired when VH1 put this show concept in front of a focus group.
TV Executive: "We're going to be doing a new show, totally centered around Tori Spelling. What do you think?"
Focus Group Participant: "Tori Spelling, that ugly chick from 90210? She sucks! Wasn't she only on that show because she was the daughter of the guy who produced it?"
TV Executive: "Yes, we know she sucks. Even Miss Spelling knows she sucks. That's the point of the show! Tori Spelling plays herself, and you get to see her sucking in a lot of unusual and unlikely situations!"
Focus Group Participant: "Why the fuck would I want to watch that?"
TV Executive: "SHUT UP I'M A TV EXECUTIVE YOU KNOW NOTHING!!!"
So NoTORIous is a star-vehicle for an actress who absolutely, positively sucks. However, in the show, VH1 slyly lets us (the viewers) know that they know that we know she sucks. By doing so, the network would have us accept the suckitude as if it were satire, spoof, "campy fun". Though, in reality, it's none of these.
It's just more dog shit. With a wink.
February 23, 2006
Is nothing sacred?
Let me take you back to the summer of 1991. A young Joey Headset was grinding his way through high school. I was socially inept, angry at the world, riddled with teenage angst (before teenage angst was cool). Bored and lonely, I fell into patterns of reckless and self-destructive behavior; I almost joined the Drama Club. Fortunately, it never came to that. I found my salvation in the form of a three and a half minute pop song.
Late one Sunday night, watching MTV's alternative video show 120 Minutes, I saw it for the first time: EMF's seminal anthem, "Unbelievable". The lyrics, the music - they spoke to my very soul. When EMF vocalist James Atkin sang:
"The things, you say
Your purple prose just gives you away
The things, you say
...I looked deep inside myself, and I realized: I truly AM unbelievable. My purple prose really DOES just give me away. Seeing that video was the watershed moment of my adolescence. The next day, I went out and bought EMF's album, "Schubert Dip"... I listened to it every day before I went to school, and then again as soon as I got off the bus. Sometimes I put my CD player on repeat so I could listen to "Unbelievable" as I fell asleep and then it would be the first thing I heard when I woke up. That song was what got me through high school. That song, and binge drinking.
So you can imagine the sense of betrayal and disillusionment I felt when I saw this advertisement during NBC's olympic coverage:
Nice one, Kraft. Way to take the single most important cultural landmark of the 1990's and turn it into a god-damned cheese jingle. "That Big Cheese Taste That Blows You Away" - everytime I hear that line, a tiny piece of me dies. But, hey, at least this cornerstone of my youth has been sold out for a good product: a bag of crumbled cheese. Because Americans have grown so fat and lazy THEY CAN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO CRUMBLE THEIR OWN CHEESE ANYMORE. "Gee, I love cheese, but why does it have to come in these unwieldy bricks? Why can't someone take the cheese I love, but pre-crumble it so that I can POUR CHEESE DIRECTLY FROM THE BAG INTO MY STUPID FACE!"
You know what, Kraft Corporation: FUCK YOU. Fuck your ad campaign, fuck your cheese products, and fuck all your subsidiary brands: Jell-O, Gevalia, Golden Crisp, Grape-Nuts, Great Grains, Vegemite, Velveeta. Oh, and BTW... fuck Kraft's majority owner, the Altria Group (previously known as Philip Morris Tobacco). I guess if those bastards can't kill us with their cigarettes, they'll just pump cheese down our throats until we're bleeding Velveeta out our eyes.
Crumbelievable my ass.
February 16, 2006
On any given day, I alternate between a variety of distinct emotional states:
2. Outrage (the extroverted version of Rage)
3. Vexation (a classier version of Rage)
4. Anger (similar to Rage, but includes the letter "n")
Obviously, I'm a very complex guy. Actually, I'm even more complex than it seems. You see, within each of the emotional states described above, there are different levels; I like to think of them as "gears". On a good day, I may only get up to 2nd gear on the Rageometer. On a bad day, maybe all the way up to 4th.
Then there's 5th gear.
I don't shift into 5th very often - and for good reason. First of all, every time I do, I end up destroying some piece of consumer electronics. Fax machines, plasma TVs, etc. This can get very expensive. Secondly, spending time in 5th gear - a state of "Maximum Rage" - is incredibly exhausting. I just don't have the energy to sustain that level of pissed-offedness for an extended stretch of time. The third reason why I avoid my 5th gear of Rage is the most important one... but it demands an explanation.
Yesterday, a series of new Abu-Ghraib images surfaced, revealing unspeakable acts of prisoner abuse: cigarette burns, forced sexual acts, brutalized corpses - really sick shit. If ever the Muslim world had a justification for going batshit crazy, this would certainly be it. Yet... it hasn't really happened. Why? Because, at the time these images were released, the Muslim world was already in a state of Maximum Rage. And what were they so mad about?
An insulting political cartoon printed by a newspaper in Denmark.
THIS, my friends, is the real reason I don't always drive my Ragemobile in 5th gear; it's because I'm trying to avoid THIS VERY SITUATION. Don't get me wrong: I admire the ability of Muslims across the globe to sustain peak levels of anger for months at a time. I admire their ability to generate searing fury based on an insult so slight, most religions would have scarcely noticed it at all. Their commitment to indiscriminate, pointless and self-destructive Rage is an ideal I can only hope to live up to. But, it is clear to me that the Muslim world needs to keep something left in the tank for those situations in which Rage is ACTUALLY JUSTIFIED. Otherwise, they risk the worst kind of cultural impotence - the inability to demonstrate righteous anger when it really counts.
Also, you come off looking like a complete fucking idiot.
February 14, 2006
Stop with the Cheney Jokes
Leave it to the Blog-O-Sphere to kick a man while he's down.
HA HA HA, Dick Cheney shot some old guy in the face. What a big freaking joke. What an opportunity for bloggers to tee-off on an easy target. It's amateur comedy night on the internet and everyone's stepping up to the mic to take a few cheap shots at the Vice President.
It's really easy to poke fun at someone after he shoots a 78 year old man, but let me tell you something: that shit can happen to ANYONE. As a hunting enthusiast, I have shot over two dozen people in the face... and in at least half of those cases, it was a complete accident. Like most Americans my age, I grew up playing video games: Marathon, DOOM, Quake. If those games taught me nothing else, they taught me that you should shoot - quite literally - everything that moves, all the time. Sometimes you should even shoot things that don't move, like explosive barrels and ancient urns (which frequently contain extra ammunition). Those who refuse to pull the trigger until they can "identify the thing they are shooting at" are total n00bs who get PWNED. Dick Cheney may be many things, but he's no n00b.
Furthermore, the incident wasn't even Cheney's fault. Mr. H. Whittington, the man whose face absorbed all that Vice Presidential buckshot, violated a basic tenet of hunting protocol: don't ever come up on a brother from behind when he's getting his shoot on. An experienced hunter such as Cheney always looks in the direction he is pointing his gun. For this reason, the safest place to be when a hunter raises his weapon, is directly in front of him - because that's where the hunter is already looking. The most dangerous place you can stand is behind the hunter: the one place he's NOT pointing the gun. That's where people get shot.
The way I see it, the Vice President was simply exercising his 2nd Amendment rights. Specifically, the right to shoot someone accidentally. Think about it: those bastards in congress have already made it illegal for us to shoot someone on purpose. If we let them outlaw accidental shootings, then you might as well just throw the 2nd amendment out the window. What's the point of having the Right to Bear Arms IF YOU'RE NEVER ALLOWED TO SHOOT ANYBODY?
By shooting a 78 year old man in the face, Dick Cheney wasn't simply standing up for his rights... he was standing up for the rights of every American. And I, for one, respect him for it.
February 09, 2006
I don't talk politics on this web site. I figure that if you really want to see some asshole spouting political opinions on the internet, you'd probably prefer to read the opinions of someone who actually follows politics. Or at least pretends to. That's not for me; which is why I've chosen to stick to doing what I do best: making cheap jokes at the expense of famous people I've never met.
Nevertheless, there is something going on in the world I feel I must address. You've probably heard about a series of political cartoons that have totally enraged Muslims around the world - and it takes a lot to piss off those guys. The cartoons, published in a Danish newspaper, presented a visual depiction of the prophet Mohammed. Muslims consider such depictions to be blasphemous. As a result, there have been violent protests, calls for the assassination of the cartoonists and boycotts of certain delicious breakfast pastries... specifically, bagels. Not because they hate Jews, but because the trauma of seeing their messiah insulted caused them all to suddenly become allergic to wheat gluten.
While most Americans consider all this to be a massive overreaction by the Muslim world, I totally see where they are coming from. As I've mentioned before, I am a devout worshiper of Bast, the ancient Egyptian cat-God. SHUT UP YOUR RELIGION IS STUPID TOO. Anyway... inspired by my outraged Islamic friends, I hereby call for the death of cartoonist Jim Davis, creator of Garfield.
Longtime readers know this is the second time I have called for the death of Jim Davis. The first time I was very drunk, and I don't remember what I was getting at exactly. This time, however, I am only slightly drunk... and dead serious about killing that guy. Think about it, Muslims called for the death of a cartoonist for ridiculing their spiritual leader just once - and they were right to do so. Meanwhile - in his hateful, sacrilegious Garfield cartoon - Jim Davis has ridiculed my feline deity in THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS OF LAME COMIC STRIPS!!! He deserves to die, along with Ikuko Shimizu - the man who created Hello Kitty.
February 06, 2006
Brown and WHAT?
When you wake up Monday morning - facing another week at your boring, degrading job - consider this:
Somebody, somewhere got paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to come up with the new slogan for Diet Pepsi:
Doesn't really make you thirsty does it? If you think about it, there are very few pleasant things that could be described as both Brown and Bubbly. Beef stew, toxic waste, a sea of boiling excrement... other than that, nothing comes to mind.
I don't mind Brown, it's the Bubbly that isn't doing it for me. What if they changed the slogan to "Brown and Viscous"? Now that's a slogan worthy of a cola that I might consider drinking if the vending machine was out of Coke.
February 03, 2006
RANT: Super Bowl Commercials
A lot of people ask me, "Hey Joey, are you going to watch the SUPER BOWL?!?!"
I say, "No. I don't care about football." In truth, I do follow the NFL and have every intention of watching the Super Bowl. I only tell people I won't so they will STOP TALKING TO ME. However, when I tell them I don't like football, they will often say "Well, I don't really like football either, but I'm going to watch it for the commercials!!!"
I've been watching television for quite awhile now... let me explain something about how it works. TV consists of two elements: the show and the commercials. The show is the thing you watch. The commercials are the things that interrupt the show, giving you brief opportunities to get snacks, urinate, and - if you're lucky - make sweet love to your special lady friend. YOU DO NOT WATCH TV FOR THE COMMERCIALS. THAT IS STUPID AND WRONG.
Sure, Super Bowl commercials were fun to watch back in the day, back when most of the commercials were for dot-com companies that everyone knew weren't going to be around in 6 months. Watching those commercials, you could almost FEEL the bubble bursting! They should have had a stock ticker crawl on the bottom of the screen, so you could see the entirety of NASDAQ going down the toilet (while yet another $500,000 Super Bowl spot failed to establish even the most basic sense of what good or service the company intended to sell). Remember netpliance.com? OurBeginning.com? How about Epidemic.com? Now, there was a great name for an internet-business... if I wanted to contract some BIRD FLU, that's the first web site I would visit. Knowing that the very commercial that was intended to promote the business was almost certain to bankrupt the business... THAT was great television.
Sadly, those days are gone. These days, the Super Bowl ads are just more of the same crap I TIVO through during the rest of the year. There's no suspense, no surprises. I really don't care what furry woodland creature the nice people at Budweiser have anthropomorphized for the purposes of selling shitty beer to 6 year olds. And besides, if it turns out that one or two of the ads are actually worth watching, it's not like I actually need to sit through the Super Bowl to see them. All the good spots will be hosted on blogs the next day. You can always count on the Blog-O-Sphere to track down short, sort-of funny video clips and then BEAT THEM INTO THE GROUND LIKE A DEAD HORSE THAT TURNED INTO A ZOMBIE-HORSE AND THEN HAD TO BE BEATEN TO DEATH ALL OVER AGAIN. Don't believe me? Do a blog search on "Lazy Sunday", you'll see what I mean.
Here's my point: Watch the Super Bowl, don't watch the Super Bowl. But don't watch it "for the commercials." Watching television just to see commercials is a sin against nature and God.
Anyway... enjoy the game!
January 12, 2006
Joey Headset, Gay Porn Entrepreneur
As the owner and operator of a handful of websites, I'm always on the lookout for new internet domain names that I might acquire. Of course, a lot of the really good ones are already taken... but with a little imagination, you can always find a quality internet domain that hasn't already been jacked by some asshole cybersquatter.
So, earlier this evening, I was drinking some beer and started wondering: If I wanted to start a gay porn web site, what's the best domain name I could find? After searching around awhile, I was fairly astonished to find that a bunch of very promising names were still available! For instance:
So I started thinking to myself, "Joey, YOU should start a gay porn site!" Rest assured, if I ever did start a gay porn site, it would be the BEST gay porn web site ever. My gay porn site would be so good, it would TURN HETEROSEXUAL PEOPLE GAY. And it would turn gay people EVEN GAYER. Even so, I just don't think it would be a very enjoyable project for me to work on. If I started a gay porn web site, looking at gay porn would become WORK for me. I wouldn't want that... it's a quality of life issue.
But if I'm not cut out to start a gay porn website, how about a Gay Friendly hetero porn site? Think about it: regular porn features fairly ugly dudes having sex with beautiful women. My Gay Friendly porn site would feature very pretty guys having sex with girls who look like bulimic fashion models, girls who look like Cher and girls who look like Vin Diesel.
Finally, a porn site that straight guys can enjoy with their gay friends. If you want to get in on the ground floor of this exciting business venture, please contact me and I will tell you where to send the money.
January 01, 2006
RANT: Sufjan Stevens
I'll admit it, I'm addicted to music blogs. Every day, I visit a crapload of music blogs, trying to find some interesting new tunes to keep me entertained while I spew invective on the internet. As most of you already know, this is the time of year when music bloggers debut their "Best Of 2005" and "Year end lists". It's a blog-o-sphere tradition, dating back to... I don't know, 2004? Anyway, if you look at most of the indie-blog year end lists, you're likely to find one artist DOMINATING the #1 spot. That artist is Sufjan Stevens, who put out "2005's best record", Illinois.
I'm not one to jump on every bandwagon that comes along... but I figured that if all these music bloggers adored this album, it was probably worth a listen. So I downloaded it from my favorite P2P file sharing network (Joey Headset don't pay no money for music!) and loaded it into my mp3 player. After listening to the first three tracks of Sufjan's album, I was suspicious. By the seventh track, I knew something was amiss. By the final track, I half expected Ashton Kutcher to suddenly jump out of my headphones. Clearly, I had been "Punk'd".
Music bloggers of the blog-o-sphere, could you please answer this question: WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS SUPPOSED TO BE SO GREAT ABOUT THIS SUFJAN STEVENS RECORD? Seriously, did you all get together at some bar and decide that it would be funny to see how many people you could sucker into buying this stupid piece of crap? I don't know why you people listen to music, but I listen to music because I actually enjoy music. As far as I can tell, the songs on Illinois are specially formulated for people who only listen to albums so they can tell other people they listened to said albums. In other words, the music of Sufjan Stevens is MUSIC FOR PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLES. And the sad thing is... I am a pretentious asshole, and even I can't sit through this shit!
There were plenty of great records that came out last year. Welsh rockers, Bosco Chocolate Factory revolutionized the genre of postpunk powerpop with their album "Partae Aen Mae Paents" while Mister Nlister's "I've Shotted Myself and I Can't Get On Up" was a seminal work of retro-neo-alt-cockrock. With such great releases in 2005, what possessed so many influential music writers to place Sufjan Stevens on the top of the musical heap?
Wait, I know the answer to this one:
THEY ARE ALL STUPID BITCHES WHO HATE MUSIC!!!
October 28, 2005
Three Wishes for Amy Grant
Aww... Chistian Contemporary vocalist Amy Grant has her own show on NBC.
It's an uplifting reality affair called Three Wishes. In each episode, Amy and her Christian Contemporary friends visit some small town in middle America, and grant their wishes, making their "dreams come true." It's sort of like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, but retooled for viewers who hate gay people.
Since NBC's "Three Wishes", has given me so much hope and joy, I've got three wishes of my own, just for Amy Grant:
#1. Fuck off.
#3. I hate you. (that's not actually a wish, but YOU SUCK)
September 28, 2005
6 Reasons Why Billy Ocean is Better than Lionel Richie
1. Billy Ocean was born "Leslie Charles". This name was weak and effeminate, so he decided to perform under the name Billy Ocean. That name is smooth and delightful. Lionel Richie was born "Lionel Brockman Richie, Jr." This name was weak and effeminate, so he decided to perform under the name Lionel Richie. Real creative, jackass.
2. Andre 3000, the more flamboyant member of hip hop duo Outkast, is a huge fan of Billy Ocean. In fact, Andre often refers to himself as Billy Ocean - it's sort of an alter-ego for him. Want to guess who named his alter-ego after Lionel Richie?
3. In his 1983 hit "All Night Long (All Night)", Richie delivers his lead vocal in a preposterous fake Caribbean accent. What the hell was that about? The man was born in Alabama for fuck's sake! Billy Ocean was actually born in Trinidad, so he would be perfectly justified if he occasionally lapsed into a Caribbean accent. But he doesn't... not even on his biggest hit, 1984's "Caribbean Queen". Why? Because Billy O. doesn't need to sing in some wacky accent to be freaking AWESOME. Too bad we can't say the same for Lionel R.
4. Have you seen Billy Ocean's daughter, Cherie Charles?
Beautiful and talented! Just like her old man. Have you seen Lionel Richie's daughter, Nicole Richie?
Beautiful? Not so much. And the girl only has one talent: Standing next to Paris Hilton long enough to make that skank look attractive by comparison. And Nicole couldn't even hold on to that gig. Pathetic.
5. Take a look at these images of Billy Ocean:
Billy was smooth then, and he's pretty smooth now! Now, take a look at Lionel - first an older image, then a more recent one.
Dork then, dork now. Although, I'll give Lionel credit for being remarkably well preserved after all these years. I guess all those years of SUCKING CRAP really agreed with him.
6. It's not the size of the wave, it's the motion of the Ocean. NOT the motion of the Richie. That doesn't even mean anything.
September 08, 2005
Great. Just great.
Now when I tell someone they can take their mp3 collection and shove it up their ass, they can go and do it. Literally.
Look, I'm all for iPods. Anything that drowns out the the sound of other human beings while I'm out in public places is a good thing. But can someone please tell me what I can do with an iPod nano that I couldn't already do with an iPod mini? You remember the mini - it was pretty small, right? Or was the much touted smallness of that device nothing but a big fat lie? When Apple named it the "mini" were they just fucking with us? Apparently they were... since the mini was eliminated from Apple's product line to make way for the nano.
And let's not forget about the iPod shuffle. It's smaller than a pack of gum! I know for a fact that packs of gum are pretty small.
You ever heard someone complain that a pack of gum is "just too big" and "needs to be made smaller"? I haven't. Maybe that explains why the Wrigley Corporation hasn't come out with "Doublemint nano" or "nanoMint Double".
August 26, 2005
Letter to Pat Robertson
Don't get me wrong, it's fun to call for the assassination of people you don't like. I do it all the time! Hell, if I had a dollar for every time I screamed "SOMEBODY KILL THIS JACKASS" at the TV set, I'd have... exactly $163. And that's just from watching The 700 Club.
But here's the difference between you and me, Pat: When I call for the death of some random person, it's usually in the privacy of my own home. For me it's a harmless way to let off steam, because no one ever listens to me. Sure, I'll sometimes call for assassinations in public places: shopping malls, hair salons... occasionally the Olive Garden. But even in these locations, people tend to ignore me. Or they pretend to. Sometimes I'm asked to leave. The point is, when I cry out for the death of public figures, I have little reason to believe anyone will act on my proposal. I don't have a TV show, Pat. You do. Your show, The 700 Club, is syndicated into millions of homes. All I've got is this shitty web page. See the difference?
When you appear on the 700 Club and suggest that someone needs to be rubbed out, there's a fair number of crazy-ass fuckers in your viewing audience who are just crazy-ass enough to do something about it. And do your viewers have guns? Oh my, yes. So, Pat, when you call for assassinations - as you did the other day for Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez - it is sort of a big deal. Do you seriously not get that?
Now... to be clear, I don't give a damn what happens to the president of Venezuela. Maybe the guy deserves to get his head blown off by some CIA wet team. What do I know. Like most Americans, I probably couldn't even find Venezuela on a map. Unless the map was clearly labeled... which I suppose most maps are, these days. I guess I could just scan the map until I see a country that has the word "Venezuela" written across it in big block letters. But that could take a while. Maybe if I used Google maps...
Anyway, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, Pat. But this is becoming a bit of a habit with you. You've publicly asked God to kill members of the Supreme Court. You suggested that someone needs to detonate a nuclear device inside the State Department's headquarters.
Have you considered doing Yoga or maybe subscribing to NetFlix or something? I think you're in a bad place, man... perhaps you should take up a hobby. Or maybe a pet. Studies have shown that dog-owners are 43% less likely to call for the assassination of world leaders.
Think it over.
August 15, 2005
Paula Abdul beds skanky vocalist, retains job
See if you can complete this sentence, from a recent Associated Press wire piece:
"Attorneys Marcell McRae, a former federal prosecutor, and Ivy Kagan Bierman jointly handled the probe. The 3 1/2-month inquiry included interviews with 43 people and a review of material provided by ____"
If you guessed "the Bush Administration", "Karl Rove's personal counsel", or "former Enron executives"... give yourself a star. A brown star. The color brown representing your total, complete ignorance.
No, the correct conclusion to this sentence was "Abdul and Clark". As in, American Idol judge Paula Abdul and former Idol contestant Corey Clark.
Back in May a shocking ABC Dateline expose (entitled "Fallen Idol") revealed shocking accusations of shockingly inappropriate sexual relations between these two. Clark, described by some as "a poor man's Kevin Federline", was quoted in the piece as follows:
"That night, as we were having sex, I kept flashing on her videos and thinking, 'Oh, my God! I'm doing it with Paula Abdul,' " he says. "But I kept my cool and I did my thing."
Of course, Corey Clark is not alone. Many of us think about Paula Abdul's videos while having sex. With Paula Abdul. Whether, during the sexual act, we think of Paula herself or of her defunct animated sidekick MC Skat Kat hardly matters.
The point is, FOX TV, makers of such controversial programming as "When Animals Attack" and "When Right Wing Assholes Attack" (more commonly known as The O'Reilly Factor) actually hired an independent counsel to investigate Clark's accusations. FOX's commitment to preserving the integrity of American Idol is certainly impressive. Lest we forget, this is the same competition that has produced superstars such as:
That white dude with the big fro
The big fat R&B guy Conan makes fun of
That skinnier R&B chick who won it, then disappeared
Some dull blonde country singer who pimps chocolate bars
Clearly FOX can't allow some horny, aging pop star to subvert the results of such an important cultural institution. Fortunately, after nearly four months of investigation, the independent counsel concluded that Clark's sex accusations could not be proven. Therefore, Abdul will keep her job. Such as it is.
However, I wonder if FOX's independent counsel had enough authority to investigate this matter to the fullest extent. Personally, I think that this job was far better suited to the same group that watchdogs professional sports: The US Senate. If Jose Canseco injecting human growth hormone into his ass is the business of Congress, shouldn't we depend on them to maintain the integrity of a TV singing contest? Until I turn on CSPAN and see Paula Abdul sitting on Capital Hill, being grilled by Rick Santorum and Joe Lieberman, I don't think I can ever look at Idol the same way again.