October 05, 2007
Fun with Water Restrictions
It's been a hot, dry summer here on the east coast. With the heat and the lack of rain, local reservoirs are at dangerously low levels! If this were a poor country, that would mean death and disease on a catastrophic scale. But since I live in a rich country, I have to endure something even worse: water restrictions. Generally speaking, I'm not the sort of person who follows "laws" or "restrictions" or "biblical commandments". But I've come up with a few FUN-tastic ways of dealing with these water restrictions. If you live in a drought plagued area... or if you just want to be EARTH FRIENDLY, here are my tips for water conservation.
If It's Yellow: One of the first rules of water conservation is "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown flush it down." Truer words were never uttered. But I like to take this to the next level. For me, it's "If it's yellow let it mellow... and if it's brown DON'T HANG AROUND." Flushing a toilet wastes water, so I don't do it. Ever. This is one of many reasons why I never take a dump in the same toilet twice. Usually, I just sneak into my neighbor's apartment while they're at work.
Shower Power: Personal hygiene uses up a huge quantity of water... but conscientious Individuals CAN reduce their water usage. Remember: showers use less water than baths. And Golden Showers use even less than regular ones! Also, the less you bathe, the better. I don't take a shower unless my own personal odor threatens to render me unconscious. I've found that I can delay this inevitable result by days -- even weeks -- by rolling around in sawdust, peanut shells or a pile of sand. Though the moms at the local playground have threatened to call the police if I keep diving into the kids' sandbox.
Squirt Gun Action: One of the worst consequences of water restrictions is how it ruins so many fun outdoor activities. No wading pools, no running through the sprinkler, NO FUN. If you're clever, though, you can find some ways to keep the fun going without wasting precious aqua. Kids and grownups always enjoy a good watergun battle! When I can't use water, I just fill my Sooper-Soaker with paint thinner. Just avoid open flames and try not to aim for the eyes or for any exposed wounds.
Slippery Summer Fun:Everyone like to bust out the old Slip n Slide on a hot summer day, but without liquid lubrication, it's just an ugly plastic tarp in the yard.
Good news: high viscosity motor oil works just as well as water... and unlike water, we'll NEVER run out of sweet, sweet petroleum! Just remember to change the oil every 3000 slides (or every 5000 slips).
Healthy Refreshment: I don't know about you, but I get thirsty over the summer. Doctors will tell you that you should be drinking 12 glasses of water a day. Whatever. Honestly, how hydrated do you REALLY need to be? Plus, it's a waste of of water! In my experience, Vodka looks very much like water and it's a lot more fun to drink. Kids love it too, particularly when mixed with Kool-Aid.
October 04, 2007
PSA: Lava Lamps
Do not -- I repeat -- do NOT drink the liquid you find inside a lava lamp.
Sure, it looks delicious. And god knows it tastes delicious. But don't believe the name of these novelty retro lamps: this liquid is not real lava. Genuine lava is packed with vitamins and minerals (well, mostly minerals). Like Cookie Crisp cereal, molten lava is part of a nutritious breakfast. The fluid inside a lava lamp, however, lacks any nutritional benefits.
Also it's probably toxic or whatever.
Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.
September 19, 2007
A Public Service Announcement (in blank verse)
Today I punched myself by accident.
The accidental blow befell my face,
specifically my nose, which didn't break
but might have done, if fortune hadn't blessed
(or cursed) me with these tiny, girly hands.
A lesson here can benefit us all:
Refrain from all behaviors which allow
your fists and face to meet by happenstance.
And now you know - for knowing is, they say
the greater half of victory (go joe!)
August 30, 2007
Back 2 Skool!
Hey kids, you know what time it is?
No. It's BACK 2 SKOOL time, bitches!
This is my favorite time of year. True, I don't go to school myself. Don't have any school-bound children, either. To be honest, I try to avoid children. They are loud, bratty and if you try to have sex with them you'll just end up having an awkward conversation with Dateline's Chris Hansen (who has NO sense of humor about these sorts of things). The point is this: you don't have to go to school to enjoy the Back to School Experience. For instance, I always pick up school supplies at the end of August: notebooks, pens, erasers. I don't use them for anything, but it's nice having them around. There's an enormous sense of personal satisfaction that comes from owning over thirty protractors.
And every year, there are bold new innovations in Back to School Technology! Here are a few of the most exciting products that any student would be proud to bring to their first day of classes.
From Columbine to Virginia Tech, school shootings are quickly becoming an American tradition. If you want to protect yourself from disgruntled student gunmen, I'd recommend wearing full body armor every day. Either that or move to a country where they don't hand out automatic weapons to emotionally damaged youths. However, if you're merely interested in keeping your STUFF safe from bullets, go get one of these:
This stylish kevlar backback may not protect YOU from getting your ass shot, but it will protect your textbooks. Those things are fucking expensive.
Nothing works up an appetite like a long day of sitting at a desk, trying to stay awake. This is why students get MAD HUNGRY. Grabbing lunch at the school cafeteria is always an option, but -- given the choice -- most youngsters would opt NOT to contract food poisoning. After all, there's nothing educational about explosive diarrhea. It's much better for students to bring their own lunch to school. And what better way to transport a healthy meal than with a colorful lunchbox?
I'm sorry, did I say "lunchbox"? I meant Vintage French Enamel Lunch Pail. Sure, your kids might prefer a shiny new Spongebob Squarepants lunchbox. But you're not going to let any child of YOURS be seen in public with such a crass lunchroom accessory. Much better to give kids a fancy and VERY EXPENSIVE French antique for their lunch storage needs. While you're at it, why not replace the traditional PB & J with a decadent Foie Gras and Escargot salad. Kids just can't get enough goose liver.
Morning Class Wood
Obviously any student is going to need something to write with. Regular old pencils and pens are OK, I guess -- for small-minded students. But what if a student has really BIG ideas? He needs a big ass writing implement. Like this:
For younger students with a creative side, nothing spells fun like C-R-A-Y-O-L-A. Crayons are colorful, non-toxic... and now they are scented!
Crayola's Silly Scents are regular crayons with wacky aromas like "Gargoyle Gas" and "Alien Armpit". Kids will love these, particularly the ones who like to shove crayons up their nose. I've got 3 of them shoved in my nasal cavity right now, and it's DELIGHTFUL. Just one warning: don't leave these Silly Scents in your car on a hot summer day. The resulting smell is reminiscent of melting hippie ASS.
Book of Creation
Another thing that all students need: books. If students didn't read books, NOBODY would. But sometimes, schools make students read books that contain nothing but blasphemous lies. If you know a student who is set to take any biology or natural history classes, make sure they don't leave the house without this book:
Harun Yahya's "Atlas of Creation" is a must have tome for ALL students. The book contains scientific evidence that disproves the theory of evolution. By "scientific evidence", of course, I mean islamic scripture and badly crafted logical fallacies that wouldn't fool a bright seven year old. This is the perfect gift for loudmouthed children who want to disrupt their classes with religious histrionics. And, if the content of the book fails to dissuade teachers from teaching evolution theory, kids can always smash the book into their teacher's face. At 768 pages/13 pounds, kids can really "get their point across" upside their teacher's head.
School may be a soul-sucking bore, but Back to School merchanise is always pure excitement -- even for those of us who dropped out of the 4th grade and never looked back!
Special thanks to reader Leah who suggested some of the items listed above!
June 28, 2007
Covering My Ass: Joey Headset Buys New Underwear!
Well, it finally happened. I'm down to my LAST pair of underwear. Not my last *clean* pair of underwear, my last pair of underwear PERIOD. For a few months I had been rotating two pairs. I'd wear one underpant for a week, or until it was so dirty the smell penetrated dense cloud of aftershave and Axe Bodyspray that surrounds me wherever I go. Then I'd switch over to the alternate pair, laundering the first. By "laundering it", of course, I mean pinning it to my windshield while I drove through the carwash.
This system wasn't perfect, but I was making it work! But with the loss of my backup pair (due to a wedgie contest that got COMPLETELY out of control) I'm now in a dire underpants emergency!
At first I thought I could make a new pair. I've read some intriguing webpages that demonstrate how you can make your own undergarments out of duct tape, twine and grocery bags (plastic, not paper). However, this seems like a LOT of work. Too much, really. I guess I'll have to bite the bullet and buy a new pair. Actually, I'll probably end up buying a few. The underwear industry insists on selling their product in "convenient" 4-packs. Convenient my ass! If you're a thrifty shopper, like me, who only wants to buy a single pair, you're pretty much screwed.
I guess I can always sell the extras on ebay.
Anyway, its been awhile since my last purchase, so I did some research. I was hoping there had been some major advancements in underwear technology: wireless underwear with Bluetooth, electric hybrid underwear with superior ass milage (GET IT? "ASS MILAGE"!!! THAT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS!!! HAHAHA WOOOOO!)... something like that. Sadly, it appears that very little has changed in skivvy-tech. Walking down the Men's Intimates aisle at my favorite apparel emporium, I faced the same dilemma my great grandaddy Tobias J. Headset faced so many years ago: boxers vs briefs.
This debate has raged for centuries, often turning violent. If I'm not mistaken, World War I ignited when a Serbian student assassinated Archduke Ferdinand -- for wearing boxer shorts rather than briefs. It's no surprise men are so divided over this issue: there are compelling arguments in favor of both.
Like most people with testicles, I grew up covering those testicles with plain cotton briefs. Underoos, tighty-whities, nut-grabbers -- there's just something undeniably comforting about them. Putting on a pair of briefs is like stepping into an old pair of slippers. Slippers that cover your man-sack. Briefs also provide excellent testicular support. Strap your scrotum into a pair of briefs, and your little buddies will stay snug and secure. You really don't want your junk sloshing around down there. The fellas know what I'm talking about.
Briefs are functional, practical... but boxers are just SO COOL. Every cool guy you know wears boxer shorts -- it's a fact. Boxers are sleek, sexy, MANLY. Though they lack the crotchular support of briefs, they make up for it through superior ventilation. In those hot summer months, there is nothing more refreshing than a cool breeze circulating around your boy nuggets.
ARGGGH. I can't decide between them! If only there were some middle ground, some compromise between boxers and briefs.
Whoa!!! It's like I've died and gone to underwear heaven! I bet this is what Jesus wore while he was being crucified or boiled in lava or whatever. Boxer Briefs look cool while securing my man-marbles. And they even come in two styles! Regular and African American.
Of course, there are other options. For the adventurous crowd, there's the so-called Banana Hammock. Jock Straps are the perfect choice for men who like to point... but don't like to use their fingers.
And, for those who are perilously lacking in trunk junk, there is underwear with ASS PADDING!
Finally, there is always the bold option of eschewing underwear altogether -- Going Commando, as they say. I admire those who are willing to buck social norms and "let it all hang out". I just worry about chafing. Chafing is bad. If you're going to go this route, you need to make sure that all of your male parts are sufficiently lubricated. From time to time, I like to go without underwear... but I protect my vital organs by slathering the relevant area with a combination of mayonnaise and 10W-40 High Viscosity motor oil. I've actually applied for a patent for this mixture and within the next 6 months I'll be marketing it under the brand name CrotchGard.
March 05, 2007
PSA: Peanut Butter Crisis
For some people, it's always Peanut Butter Jelly Time. Normally, there's nothing wrong with that. However, in light of recent events, I'm thinking twice before I shove any peanut products down my throat.
February 04, 2007
Tips for throwing a FUNTASTIC Super Bowl Party
1. Make sure that you schedule your party on the ACTUAL day of the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl party I threw last July was a dismal failure.
2. Don't invite anyone who actually CARES about the outcome of the game. These people get pissed off when you change the channel to the Cartoon Network in the 4th quarter. Trust me on this.
3. Everyone knows that the only way to make the Super Bowl worth watching is to put bet money on it. A friendly Super Bowl pool is a good way to get your guests involved in the game... but I prefer to make sidebets on individual players. For instance, last year I bet that three of the players on the championship team would be involved in an "incident" outside a strip club within the next 2 months. I made $20 on that bet!
4. Don't serve the same old generic party food -- after all, this is the GOD DAMN SUPER BOWL. Get into the spirit by serving food relating to the two teams playing in the big game. This year the Chicago Bears are competing against the Indianapolis Colts. So, for Chicago, you could get some deep dish pizza. And for Indy... what the hell do they eat in Indiana? Corn chips? Of course, you could also base your menu selections on the team mascot. This year I'm cooking up a festive "Super Bowl Chili" which includes both bear AND horse meat. It tastes like chicken! Well... sort of.
5. Make sure you have enough beer. I usually buy two cases of Old Milwaukee... for each person attending the party. If my guests aren't TOTALLY FUCKING WASTED by the opening kickoff, then I haven't done my job as a host.
6. The Super Bowl is a 4 hour plus MARATHON of televisual entertainment. If you step away from the TV for just a moment, you'll be missing something AWESOME. Even the commercials are worth watching! But this creates a problem: when do you use the bathroom? If you have an extra TV at your place, do your guests a favor by putting that in TV your restroom. If you don't have an extra, put a bucket next to your TV so guests can relieve themselves without leaving the room.
7. After the game, it's fun to get out the old pigskin and "reenact" some of the highlight moments of the game. However, it's best to do this OUTDOORS. Last year I broke my most of the furniture in my apartment during an over the top touchdown celebration. Still, it was totally worth it!
January 10, 2007
How to fix a television
Yesterday, my TV broke.
Obviously, this is a catastrophe. TV, in addition to being my BEST FRIEND, is also my connection to the outside world. When I turn it on, it's like I'm leaving my house and going out on all sorts of wacky adventures. Except I don't have to wear pants.
So here's what happened. My old TV was working fine. I walked out of the room for a minute to get some corn chips, and when I walked back in, the picture was gone! Well, not totally gone. There was one really bright line across the middle of the screen, but the rest was black. I still had audio, but TV without video is radio. And radio is BULLSHIT.
Usually when something like this happens, I panic. I hyperventilate, get heart palpitations, call up my ex-girlfriends to see if any of the guys they cheated with while they were dating me know how to fix a TV. However, on this occasion, I stayed calm. I focused on the problem, considered my options... then I fixed the TV!!!
All right, 'Like a Virgin' era Madonna... I admit that I'm not a handy-man. I never took shop in high school, I don't know how to change a flat tire. And, despite CONSTANT pleas from Sally Struthers, I never did get my correspondence degree in TV/VCR repair.
But I've found that it's seldom necessary to "know how something works" in order to fix it. In my experience, most malfunctioning devices can be repaired through intuition and guile, even when actual knowledge is totally absent.
So, I'm sure you're all wondering exactly how I fixed my TV. SHUT UP YOU ARE SO WONDERING! Without further delay, here's how I fixed my broken set:
I hit it. Repeatedly.
Now, before you all go beating the crap out of your glitchy plasma widescreens, be warned: there is an art to fixing technology via the application of blunt force trauma. It's taken me YEARS to perfect my skills, so don't expect success on the first try. But, if you want to try and you've got some broken TVs or stereos around, here are some tips to get you started.
Rule #1: don't hit in anger. In the film "Enter the Dragon", Bruce Lee tells a young karate student that he must strike his opponents -- not with anger -- but with Emotional Content. What is true for Kung-Fu is also true for electronic device repair. Obviously when your TV malfunctions, you're going to get angry. I know I was! But I was smart enough to take out my anger on my friends and family... NOT on the TV. Only after I calmed down did I start hitting my television. You should only hit the TV hard enough to let it know you mean business, and never so hard you leave visible damage.
Dammit, Fonzie, that is NOT COOL!
Though some like to use a closed fist when hitting a damaged machine, I prefer to use an open-fingered, backhand style (most commonly known as a "pimp slap"). Be sure to remove any diamond rings, bracelets or other assorted hand-bling you might be wearing before attempting this. If an open handed strike proves ineffective, then you may try punching the machine. If that doesn't work, try kicking it. In certain tough cases, I'll resort to pounding the machine with a crowbar or lead pipe until it starts working again. Or at least until I get bored.
Does this method of fixing broken equipment work every time? Yes! Well... no. But, really, what's the alternative? Sending it back to the company for repair will almost certainly cost MORE than replacing the broken machine with a new one. And if you're going to have to buy a new one anyway, why not take the opportunity to send out your old machine in style. Sorry, did I say "style"? I meant "pieces".
Any hey, you never know -- hit your TV just right and it might start working again. It's like I always say: there's no problem in this world that can't be solved with some form of violence.
November 20, 2006
Every holiday season, there's one MUST HAVE gift that all the kids want -- and it's often hard to keep track of what that gift is. Children are a fickle lot. One moment they want a "Tickle Me Elmo", the next they want "Touch Me Inappropriately Grover" or whatever the fuck the ankle-biters are into right now. In 2006, there's good news and bad news for parents. The good news: this year there's no mystery about what gift kids want. They all want a Sony Playstation 3 video game system. The bad news: the PS3 costs $700 and you won't even be able to find one anywhere.
Attention parents: you're screwed. You won't be able to buy a PS3 and Christmas morning will bring nothing but cranky, disappointed children. If I were the parent, I'd smack those bitchy kids upside their heads and tell them to SHUT THEIR SPOILED PIE-HOLES. This is why I don't have children (also, it's a condition of my parole). However, for those of you who actually want to make your children HAPPY, here are some other gifts that your kids might enjoy.
Kids LOVE guns. The only reason why anyone even wants a PS3 is so they can play violent games, like Resistance: Fall of Man. This is a game where you run around killing hordes of badass alien monster type creatures. What do you kill them with? Guns. LOTS OF GUNS. So if you can't buy your kids a game system that will allow them to simulate gunplay, why not get them the next best thing: an actual gun! Of course, your kids will crave only the biggest, deadliest weapons around: assault rifles, grenade launchers, plasma cannons. These weapons are TOTALLY AWESOME. Sadly, the rifle and grenade launcher aren't legal for civilians... and plasma cannons don't actually exist. Yet. Therefore your kid will have to settle for a humble BB gun. Some of the more safety conscious parents might be thinking: "A BB gun... my kid will shoot his eye out!" We've all seen A Christmas Story, you know what I'm talking about.
Statistically speaking, your kid has a better chance of being molested by a member of congress than of shooting his eye out with a BB gun. This is to say, your child will almost certainly shoot his eye out. But, with only one eye, your kid will hardly be able to appreciate the PS3's brilliant high-rez graphics. This will diminish his interest in video games, allowing him to focus his attention on solitary brooding and teenage revenge fantasies.
If your kid isn't interested in guns (*cough* HOMO *cough*) perhaps he might be interested in exploring the exciting mysteries of science... with a brand new chemistry kit! At first, your kid might be disappointed. Chemistry certainly isn't as sexy as a brand new video game system. However, your kid will quickly discover that a chemistry kit can be used for more than lame experiments. Clever children can use a chemistry kit to make Crystal Meth! Kids who can make their own drugs are never at a loss for pals. By pals, of course, I mean skank bitches who are willing to trade sex for meth. Between cooking up the meth, selling it on the street and banging all those meth bitches, your child will be WAY to busy to mess around with video games.
Chemistry sets make great gifts for children who are bright and possess a healthy curiosity about the world around them. However, most children do not fit this description. Your average American child is dull, lacking in basic reasoning skills and his curiosity is limited to imagining what Lindsay Lohan would look like wearing nothing but those revolting freckles. If you give your kid a chemistry set, chances are he won't even be smart enough to blow up his bedroom or poison his little brother. (Yes, I'm assuming this child is male. Who the hell would give a chemistry set to a GIRL?) Parents with stupid children should forget about the chem set and just give their kids a big sack of crystal meth. If your kid is cunning and has an entrepreneurial spirit, he can sell those drugs and make enough money to buy his own PS3. Otherwise, he'll just smoke the crystal meth. Or snort it. Or shove it up his urethra. This might not be the best situation -- kids on meth don't have an appropriate respect for the concept of "bedtime". On the plus side, meth addicted children are very easy to shop for. You won't have to worry about what to get your kid for his birthday. Or Christmas. Or when he's threatening to stab you.
September 18, 2006
PSA: Spinach Recall
In order to claim this website as a tax write-off, I'm required to post "Public Service" messages a few times per month. Stupid government regulations... I HATE serving the public. Anyway, here's an important message that could SAVE YOUR LIFE (or at least affect your choice of salad ingredients).
May 31, 2006
PSA: Don't Get Datelined
NBC's ratings may be in the toilet, but the network has a secret weapon: putting child molesters on TV.
For years, the newsmagazine show Dateline NBC has focused on stories about regular people. People like you and me -- except uglier and stupider than you and me. And, as it turns out, regular people love to solicit underage sex on the internet. Dateline's ongoing To Catch a Predator series is a surefire ratings winner. Producers send operatives into online chat rooms to pose as 13 year old boys/girls, serving as virtual jail-bait. Various well-intentioned men chat these fake teens up, and eventually agree to meet up with them at their homes. When they show up, however, boy are they in for a shock! Instead of getting down on some hot underage tail, they get a good talking to from none other than Chris Hansen. It's bad enough they get arrested for their trouble, but they have to sit there and listen to some NBC douchebag tell them how "child molestation is bad and stuff."
No one deserves to go out like that -- not even kiddie fiddlers. Let me be absolutely clear about this: Joey Headset does not IN ANY WAY endorse illicit underage sex. Even if the girl totally looks over eighteen and you were drunk and she's really mature for her age. But the Constitution of the United States has an amendment addressing the issue of "Cruel and Unusual Punishment", and if I remember my 10th grade civics correctly, the amendment is not in favor of it. Child predators deserve to be arrested, imprisoned, sodomized by cellmates and forced to use low quality prison toilet paper (so scratchy!). However, there is no crime so heinous that the perpetrator should be forced to sit through self-righteous moralizing from Chris Hansen -- a man with as much wit and personality as the MSNBC news ticker.
In the interest of justice, I offer these tips to help would-be child molesters avoid exposure on primetime newsmagazines.
Tip #1: Do your research.
So you've been chatting with someone online who claims to be a 13 year old girl or boy. How can you be sure that the person at the other end of the internet-pipe really is who they say they are? You've got to ask questions! And not just any questions. "What are you wearing?" and "Do you sometimes like to touch yourself?" are traditional child molester queries, but you need to go deeper. The best questions force the respondent to address issues of current teen culture -- something an impostor will know little about. For instance, "What are you wearing when you are watching One Tree Hill?" or "Do you sometimes like to touch yourself while you are listening to the new Hilary Duff album?". Obviously, the only way to determine if their replies are legit is to (stop masturbating long enough to) immerse yourself in teen media: listen to Disney Radio, watch the WB, etc. Of course, the more you experience of teen pop culture, the less likely you are to actually find teenagers attractive, sexually or otherwise. Either way, this technique will help you avoid Dateline's jailbait operatives.
Tip #2: Pick your spots.
According to the Dateline website, the program has already done sting operations in five locations: NYC metro area, Southern CA., DC suburbs, Greenville OH and Ft. Myers FL. Clearly, Dateline likes to hop around the country doing this thing, just like MTV and The Real World. Come to think of it, MTV and Dateline could do a fantastic crossover series: Seven strangers picked to live in a house to find out what happens when child molesters STOP being polite... and START molesting children! Anyway, the point is this: Dateline probably won't do another sting in a location where they've already done it. Therefore, it's much safer to prey upon internet kids in the areas listed above... plus, a lot of the local deviants in those locales have already been arrested. That means less competition for you!
Tip #3: Oops -- you got caught!
Let's say your desire for illegal carnal activity overwhelms your brain, and you disregard all of the tips listed above. You wander into a house ready to party... and there's Chris Hansen and a Dateline camera crew. You could try to run, but every time someone has done that, they get arrested as soon as they run out of the house. Since you will get arrested no matter what, your best move is to bum rush Chris Hansen and punch him in the crotch AS HARD AS YOU CAN. NBC's security and local police will take you down pretty quickly, but if you move fast you can surely get in a few good shots on Hansen before that happens. Even though you will go to jail, at least you know that footage of Chris Hansen getting punched in the nuts (BY YOU!) will circulate on Youtube for years after your arrest. Perhaps the joy that this footage will bring to millions of Americans will persuade the judge to give you a more lenient sentence after you're convicted of assault and child sex solicitation.
Maybe... but probably not.
March 13, 2006
Stupid Teenage Games of the World
I'm all about games. I'm a gamer. Racing games, sports games, first person shooters - I'm all over it. But sometimes, I wish we could go back to a simpler time. A time when games weren't all about frame-rates and massively multiplayer persistent online universes. A time when we gamers would entertain ourselves the old fashioned way: by doing stupid, reckless and life-threatening shit with our friends! Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I feel that the best games are the ones that kill a few dozen people every year. But these days, it seems like kids don't want to throw away their lives just because they're bored, or because they want to look cool. They are content with their DVDs and PSPs and all the free internet porn they can download.
However, I'm happy to say that the young people of the world haven't forgotten the old ways. So long as hormones rage through adolescent blood, teenagers will continue to do idiotic, dangerous things. And I'll be here to make fun of them. So join me, won't you, as I review Stupid Teenage Games of the World.
Let's kick things off in Great Britain, where youngsters have invented a fun little game that combines modern technology with random acts of unprovoked violence. They call it "Happy Slapping", and astonishingly, it has nothing to do with masturbation! Rather, it is a game where one player slaps or punches some random stranger on the street, while another records the incident on their camera-phone. Once recorded, the footage is digitized and circulated on the internet. Sounds like a big steaming load of fun! However, this game is best left to Europeans. If you try slapping random people in America, you are likely to get shot. We carry guns over here.
The Choking Game
Speaking of America, I'm proud to say that my own country has invented a crazy little diversion called The Choking Game. For those of you unfamiliar with this game, you're probably wondering: Am I going to have to choke a bitch?
Yes you are! That is, if you want to play this game, you will have to choke someone - possibly yourself. The rules of the game are quite simple: find someone and strangle them until they nearly pass out. Try to stop before they actually die or suffer permanent brain damage. Although, most of the people who play this game already suffer from some form of brain damage, so this is not a huge concern.
If you do it right, the chokee experiences a euphoric sensation comparable to that which one would experience after snorting a few lines of non-dairy creamer. If you do it wrong, you'll probably end up on an episode of Dateline NBC. Either way, the Choking Game is fun for the entire family.
Supposedly, Japanese kids like to jab their fingers into the anal cavities of unsuspecting acquaintances. The sad thing is, this is the most harmless of the three.
Interactive digital media may be the future of entertainment - but never underestimate the ability of young people to torment and degrade each other for their own personal amusement.
February 28, 2006
Let's Get Tanked
I like molecules.
Some of my favorite stuff contains molecules; stuff like pudding and machetes. Plus, there are so many molecules to choose from! Oxygen is nice for breathing, Potassium Nitrate helps bullets kill people better and Sodium Laureth Sulfate makes my shampoo all LATHERY.
But if I had to choose just one molecule, it would be this one:
Used in perfumes, disinfectants, and solvents, Ethanol is a very popular molecule... and it's about to become even popularer! The General Motors Corporation (or "GM" as it's known in the hood) recently launched a bold new ethenol-based initiative: "Live Green, Go Yellow". "Green", in this case, refers to fresh air, clean water and that girl at the health food store who wears so much patchouli that it very nearly masks the fact she hasn't bathed since the mid-90s. The "Yellow" refers to corn, which can be processed into "E85" ethanol and used as a renewable fuel source in any vehicle equipped with GM's new Flexfuel engine. The whole idea is to ween America off of foreign oil... and I guess that's not such a bad thing. Hell, even President George W. Bush has admitted that America is addicted to oil. And he ought to know; our president knows oil addiction the same way a drug dealer can spot a crack whore at fifty paces.
Personally, I don't care about "living green" or "going yellow". What I care about is getting FUCKED UP as quickly and inexpensively as possible. You see, ethanol is the "active ingredient" in all of my favorite adult beverages! Olde English, MD 20/20, Nyquil - they all contain this wonderful molecule. Before E85 ethanol was available as a vehicular fuel option, I had to actually walk inside a gas station's minimart if I wanted to purchase alcohol products for personal refreshment. Now, I can get my liq-fix right at the pump! Squirt a few gallons into my car, spray a few shots into my liver. Repeat as necessary! Never has hard liquor been this convenient... or this affordable. Three dollars a gallon might be expensive for gasoline, but it's a bargain if you compare it to even the cheapest offerings at your local liquor store.
Only one problem. The "85" in E85 stands for 85% - the actual ethanol content of the fuel. The other 15% percent is good old fashioned petroleum... which is supposedly toxic to human beings. You just KNEW the liquor companies would find SOME way to fuck this up for us. But I figure that if you run this E85 shit through a Brita water filter a few times, it will be OK to drink. Probably.
Of course, the oil companies won't much care for this E85 business. Any money we spend on Ethanol is money we're NOT spending on their overpriced fossil juice. Count on them to start saturating the media with anti-ethanol propaganda.
October 25, 2005
Avian Flu Claims First American Victim
September 30, 2005
PSA: Rusty Nail
Today I stepped on a rusty nail. It sucked.
Despite the constant OBSESSIVE reminders by Bob Villa, I had not had my tetanus booster, so I went to the doctor. The doctor asked me why I was there, so I told him I had stepped on a rusty nail. Then the doctor says "You know, the problem with stepping on a rusty nail is..." and proceeded to describe various aspects of stepping on a nail that are bad.
While I appreciated the doctor's advice, I think he may have misheard me. See, if I had walked into the doctor's office and said "So, doc, I was considering stepping on a rusty nail. What do you think?" THEN I think his lecture would have been quite appropriate. However, I was already with him on the whole "I shouldn't perforate myself on sharp, bacteria-laden bits of metal" thing. I didn't need Dr. Obvious to get me up to speed on that one. I was more interested in learning about how I could prevent my foot from rotting and falling off. Thus far, this has been accomplished through the use of strong anti-biotics. Thanks for asking.
So anyway, for all you kids out there thinking about stepping on a rusty nail: DON'T DO IT! Make sure that any nails you step on have been medically sterilized or whatever.
And remember, drinking a rusty nail is always better than stepping on one.