May 04, 2008
Twitter Updates on the Right Hand Side, Yo.
For those of you who actually have a life and don't mess around with Twitter, you can now view my Twitter updates right here on JoeyHeadset.com! Thanks to my EXPERT cutting and pasting skills, I've inserted some code that allows you to view my Twitter updates on the nav-bar to the right.
Enjoy! Or don't.
May 03, 2008
Twit Me Baby One More Time
See what I did there? That was a reference to a pop song that was popular many years ago. COMEDY GOLD BITCHES!!!
Anyway... if you're like me, you are quick to jump on every imaginable internet trend just as soon as all the cool people are already pretty bored with it. Along those lines, I have hitched my wagon to the epic time-suck that is Twitter. If you would like to "follow" me and my daily activities WHICH ARE VERY EXCITING PEOPLE you can track me down under the name:
(wait for it...)
(you'll never guess it...)
(get ready for a big surprise...)
December 04, 2007
Why No Joey?
In the last week,
hundreds of a couple of loyal occasional Joey Headset readers have written me, asking why there has been no new material posted to the site. The truth is: I've stopped writing to demonstrate my support for the writers on strike with the WGA. While these men and women fight for a fair deal from those Hollywood Fatcats, I shall stand behind them, by throwing down my pen/wireless keyboard as a show of solidarity.
And, just to be clear, my lack of updates has NOTHING to do with the fact that I just bought an XBOX 360 and couldn't be bothered to sit down and write anything. Those rumors are totally false! (so far as you know) Anyway, strike or no strike, there will be new content very soon... plus an EXCITING SPECIAL NEWS ANNOUNCEMENT coming in the quite near future.
Stay tuned, Bitchez.
October 09, 2007
Let me be the first to wish all of you a very happy Thanksgiving!
Sorry, Mr. T, I should have been more specific: Happy *Canadian* Thanksgiving! While Americans wait until late November to celebrate turkey day, those wacky Canucks get it over with in October. Americans and Canadians celebrate the holiday similarly: friends and family gather to enjoy a meal together. Really, the only difference is in the menu.
On the big day, Americans eat turkey. So do Canadians! However, our northern friends coat their turkey with a thick layer of maple syrup. From what I hear, they do that with all their poultry dishes. Canadians also enjoy traditional side dishes like sweet potatoes and stuffing. Of course, Canadians enjoy their own special versions of these dishes. We all know that when Canadians eat bacon, they are actually eating ham, or "Canadian Bacon", as they call it. Similarly, the Canadian version of sweet potatoes is actually a porridge made of ham and maple syrup. And their version of "stuffing" is really just a six-pack of Molson Canadian Lager.
After the main course, Canadian families skip dessert -- no punk'n pie or anything like that. Instead Canucks go straight for the Poutine, a delightful combination of french fries, cheese curds and piping hot gravy. How does it taste? Like all foods covered with piping hot gravy, it tastes DELCIOUS.
September 25, 2007
Television. If life were worth living, TV is what would make it worth living. And there's never been a better time to start watching TV than right now. All the networks are debuting their fall schedule, including some very exciting NEW shows. If you don't watch them now, you won't be able to bitch and moan when they get cancelled after two or three episodes! And isn't that the best part of being a television viewer?
All this week, I'll be watching and posting about TV on this very internet web site! Stay tuned.
August 08, 2007
In order to better serve you, the internet website reading public, I carefully monitor all of the traffic to joeyheadset.com through a sophisticated "webstats" software package. These webstats reveal how many visitors the site receives, which web browsers they are using and which pages they are viewing. The software also provides data regarding users' blood type, ethnic background and sexual orientation. Additionally, these stats let me know what keywords users were searching for when they came across my site.
When checking my stats today, I was shocked to see that some users have found my site while searching for the term "Albino Porn".
While I am always happy to see increased traffic to my website, I am worried that users are viewing my site for the wrong reasons. Obviously there is no pornography here -- and certainly no pornography that features albinos. I like albinos as much as the next guy, but I have no interest in seeing them engage in sexual intercourse. Not even hot, nasty, triple-x hardcore sex.
I didn't even realize that albino porn was a bona fide genre of porn. I've been around the inter-block a few times, and I'm pretty sure I haven't stumbled across any albino themed porn. Animal porn? Sure. Robot porn? Absolutely. I've even come upon a massive stash of Down Syndrome porn... which, in retrospect, I rather wish I could purge from my memory. But in all of my internet travels, I have never seen any pigmentally challenged individuals sexing at each other.
Maybe this is a an unexploited market. For all I know, there are hundreds -- maybe thousands! -- of frustrated albino porn enthusiasts who can't find any erotic images that satisfy their own peculiar fetish. How easy it would be for some unscrupulous web-person to trick these fetishists into visiting their website, just by cramming their site full of carefully selected keywords!
Anyway, if you have reached this website hoping for ALBINO PORN, you will not find any on this site. No ALBINO SEX PICS, no HOT ALBINO ON ALBINO ACTION. If you've come looking for sexy ALBINO LESBIAN ENCOUNTERS, you won't find that here. Nor will you find ALBINO BI-CURIOUS STUDS... delightful as they might be. Though I would normally be happy to offer SEXY ALBINO ASIANS IN LATEX LINGERIE, I don't have access to any such material. And I'm just as lacking when it comes to DIRTY ALBINO MIDGETS LICKING JELLO PUDDING OFF OF ALBINO TRANSSEXUAL FARM ANIMALS.
So, in summary, you will not find any sexual content involving albinos on this, the Joey Headset, website. I apologize for any inconvenience.
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March 09, 2007
Joey on trashfan.com
Important news: I have written a guest review for trashfan.com!
Max, the Trashfan, collects and reviews the TRASHIEST music videos of the 80s. It's like VH1, except without Tori Spelling, Flavor Flav and all those insipid talking heads. For my guest review, I selected the video for Billy Ocean's classic single Loverboy. Head over to trashfan and check it out -- and tell them Joey sent you!
January 02, 2007
My New Years Resolutions for 2007
In case you were wondering, here are my new year's resolutions:
1. Eat my greens. This year I'm going to eat more healthy green foods: lime Jello, Mountain Dew, mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Mmm. Eating healthy never tasted so great! Just so long as I remember to avoid green vegetables. Those will fucking KILL YOU.
2. Exercise impulse control. Both my therapist and my parole officer agree: I need to "control my impulses". To put it another way, I need to think BEFORE I act. In the past I've tended to reverse the order of these operations, acting first, thinking second. Sometimes, this can be fun! No one ever accuses me of being predicable -- my hilarious antics often surprise even myself. Despite this, in 2007 I'm committed to maintaining self-control and self-discipline. Next time I drop my trousers at the Olive Garden, you better believe I'll have a very good reason for doing so.
3. Destroy My Enemies. This seems to pop up on my list every year. It's not that I fail to keep this resolution... far from it. Last year I successfully destroyed nearly a dozen of my sworn enemies. Saddam Hussein, Kevin Federline, Augusto Pinochet, Tom DeLay, Taco Bell: I personally ENDED all of them, plus many more. So why is this resolution back for 2007? Because I have new enemies! Ryan Seacrest, Joan Cusack, and Kentucky Fried Chicken are just a few people/restaurants I intend to undermine this year. Like that fat, jolly man always said, "I'm making a list and checking it twice." What was that man's name? Oh, that's right. Richard Nixon.
4. Update Joey Headset more frequently. In recent months, the volume of Joey Headset content has diminished somewhat. While other blogs posted 20 updates a day relating to Britney, K-Fed, politics and whatever the fuck else other people blog about -- Joeyheadset.com remained stagnant. However, in the '07, you can expect a LOT more exciting web-humor-content posted EVERY DAY. I've recently discovered that I can increase the quantity of content I produce by significantly reducing the quality of that content.
That's a challenging question, Papa Smurf. I don't have a concrete answer. All I can say is, you never know until you try.
October 25, 2006
Joey in Legends Magazine
I'm pleased to announce that joeyheadset.com has forged a STRATEGIC ALLIANCE with Legends Magazine. Legends is a much-beloved print/web zine covering the darker side of popular culture: gothic, industrial, horror flicks, Tony Danza. In the months to come, you will see some "classic" Joey material adapted for Legends, as well as some new material written exclusively for their publication. Check out Legends Mag today... and tell them that JOEY sent you!
October 03, 2006
Joey Headset on Myspace
Would you like to be my friend? My SPECIAL INTERNET FRIEND?
If so, here's some happy news especially for YOU. Joey Headset is finally on Myspace. W00t! Though I find the entire concept of "social networking" sites utterly repugnant, I figured that joining the Myspace would give me a new way of connecting with my readers. Also, I heard Myspace was a great place to solicit sex from underage girls.
So... what can you expect to see on the Joey Headset Myspace page? Special updates? Exclusive content? No. Not so much. I can barely be bothered to update this site, I'll be damned if I'm going to crank out new material just for the Myspace site. Nevertheless, if you want to be my "friend" on Myspace, I'll be happy to have you.
Unless you suck.
August 31, 2006
My Personal Makeover: Pants
When you think of Joey Headset, I know what you're thinking: Suave, Debonair Man About Town. Dressed to Kill. The Fellas want to be him, the Ladies want to be with him. (Some of the Fellas also want to be with him, and Joey thinks that's cool, though he's not really to that sort of thing.) Yeah... most people think that Joey Headset lives a glamourous life on the bleeding edge of current fashion trends.
It's all a lie.
Let me be totally honest (for once). I've got NO STYLE. If you saw me in real life, you wouldn't think that the T-Shirt/Jeans wearing individual before you was the same person who brings you the HILARIOUS internet-web-humor you've come to expect from JH.com.
If this was Reality TV, I wouldn't need to DO anything about my style deficiency. All of my concerns would be resolved when a cluster of gay dudes ambushed me in my apartment. They would make fun of my haircut, make crude comments about my crotch... then they'd send me to an elite salon and buy me a brand new wardrobe. Sadly, this is NOT Reality TV. It's just Reality... and in Reality, no one's going to show up and magically make me look COOL. If I'm going to experience a Style Makeover, I'm going to have to do it myself.
But where to begin? There's really no aspect of my personal appearance that couldn't use some work. For instance, my wardrobe hasn't been updated in... well, in FOREVER. I just can't get up for clothes shoping... if I could, I'd just walk around BUCK NAKED like they do on those National Geographic specials. However, the Government and their Stupid Laws would have me wear clothes every single time I leave the house. Total bullshit. And it's not just the Government. Many retail outlets enforce a "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" policy. If you think that's bad, you should know that this policy is even more restrictive than it seems. As stated, you would think that a gentleman wearing nothing but a pair of Doc Martens and a "Frankie Says Relax" T-shirt would be allowed to buy beer at 7-11. It turns out that in addition to shirt and shoes, those bastards also demand that you wear PANTS!
For me, this is a problem. Looking though my closet, it seems I only own two actual pairs of pants. If you count my hockey pads, that makes three, but I find that wearing hockey pads in public encourages strangers to kick me in the crotch. I probably deserve this crotch kicking, but I'd still prefer to avoid it.
Obviously, my first step in this Personal Makeover project is to buy some new pants. It's been awhile since the last time I went shopping for trousers though... I wonder if anything has changed. They still have two legs and zippers and sometimes pockets, right? Are there any new and innovative developments in pants technology that I should know about? I assume that nanotechnology is somehow involved now. Probably there are pants that are actually made up of millions of tiny robots. It sounds pretty cool, but I'm not sure I want robots so close to my junk. We've all seen Robocop and know what can happen when a robot gets pissed off.
Since I'm not willing to trust my genitals to robotic slacks, I should probably seek out more traditional ass-wear. I've read some men's fashion magazines and I have a vague idea what people are wearing this searson. I could easily go to the mall and buy some of those same pants. But by the time I got around to wearing them, they will have fallen out of fashion. Anyway, it seems like all the most fashionable trouser styles have a strong retro influence. Everything people wear today was inspired by the pants people were wearing back in the day. Really the only way to go is to find a style of pants that were once popular, but have not yet experienced a nostalgia-fueled resurgence. If I can predict the next retro pants trend, I can finally cover my naughty bits in STYLE.
One popular trouser variant that's poised to make a comeback is Parachute Pants. Popular in the early 90s, MC Hammer was famous for wearing these shiny and voluminous breeches.
Good call, MC Hammer! I've always wanted to wear huge and luminous pants. Now I have an excuse! When MC Hammer makes his own triumphant comeback, Parachute Pants are certain to grace the asses of fashionistas 'rould the world. When this happens (any day now) I'll be ready.
Other likely targets for future retro-resurgance are Acid Washed Jeans, Bellbottoms and Pantaloons. After an all-night ebay session, I will soon be equipped with a closet full of ALL of these. If fashion trends go the way I've predicted, people will soon be staring admiringly at my ass. You know, rather than just calling me one.
August 07, 2006
Longtime readers of Joey Headset may have recently noticed a decrease in posting-frequency on the site. I've noticed this too! Throughout the day, I fire up my web browser to see if I've posted any exciting new material... and I'm frequently disappointed!
However, today when I typed "www.joeyheadset.com" into my browser window, I was shocked to discover that my site now looked like this:
WTF? Had I, in the midst of some drunken stupor, replaced my humor site with a 4th rate search index? It does sound like the sort of thing I might do... but in this case, I'm off the hook. It turns out that I had mistyped my own URL. Rather than typing "joeyheadset.com" I typed "joeyheadset.cm". An embarrassing error, but NOT MY FAULT. The *o* key on my keyboard has been gummed up for weeks, probably due to some combination of dirt, barbecue sauce and Cherry Coke residue. OK, I guess that part sort of is my fault.
Anyway, this rogue .cm version of my site is an example of Typo Squatting. This is where shady individuals register a domain name that is one letter off from a popular site, hoping to catch some traffic when users mistype the address. The key phrase here is "popular site". It makes no sense to typo-squat a site that no one links, visits or cares about in any way. This leads me to wonder: what sort of pathetic, low-self-esteem squatter would bother doing this to my site? After doing a bit of research, I learned that all of the .cm domains are controlled by the African nation of Cameroon.
Had I done something to TOTALLY piss off someone in Cameroon, such that they would squat my domain simply out of spite? Again, it does sound like the sort of thing I might do... but again, I'm off the hook.
It seems that Cameroonian net-jackers are now squatting EVERY SINGLE .com domain in existence -- not just mine. Google.cm, yahoo.cm, filthyasianwhores.cm: they all lead to the same page (the same one pictured above).
So, it turns out that no one has singled out my site for squatting. It's a little disappointing, really. Perhaps if I start posting more, I too can gain the sort of following that would merit unethical efforts to steal my web-traffic. Until then, I would encourage those of you who already read this site to be VERY CAREFUL when you type my domain into your browser. If your typing skills lack precision, perhaps you should use a "bookmark" or avail yourself of my convenient "RSS Feed".
Unless, of course, you actually prefer the .cm version of Joey Headset. I've closely compared the two sites and even *I* can't decide which one I like best.
May 18, 2006
What am I Worth?
There was a time people actually believed you could make money from a website.
"But Joey... Money from a WEBSITE? That's impossible!"
It's easy to understand why you might think that, Nameless Rhetorical Device Person. But remember, this was a kinder, gentler time... the 1990s! This was back when venture capital flowed like wine and Seattle grunge music flowed like some other thing that flows like wine. If you had a website, you could be sure that somebody would be willing to invest in it. Hell, you didn't even need a website to get funding -- or a computer, for that matter. If you had nothing more than a piece of crumpled notebook paper with a crude drawing of a webpage... you could still get a few million in seed money. The 90s were FREAKING AWESOME! Sadly, that wonderful decade ended six years ago.
Or did it?
Actually, I'm pretty sure it did -- checked my day planner and everything. However, there is good news: we may be on the brink of a new Golden Age of Internet Profitability! Recently, a friend directed me to this link at LeapFish.com, a website that analyzes the value of internet domain names. As you can see (if you clicked the link), the joeyheadset.com domain name is worth $12,422.00.
WHOOOOO!!!! I'm sitting on a freaking gold mine! I had no idea my domain name was worth so much.
"But Joey... you would never sell out, would you? I thought you were all about keeping it REAL!"
Let me make this perfectly clear: I AM ALWAYS, ALWAYS READY TO SELL OUT. If someone called me right now and offered me $12,422 for the joeyheadset.com web domain, you better believe I would sell it. Fuck, I'd probably sell it for a 6-pack of Schlitz and a bag of beef jerky.
However, before I accept any dried meat products, I should further investigate the true value of this website. After all, the figure mentioned above only reflects the value of the domain name "joeyheadset.com". It doesn't take into account the treasure trove of quality content that already exists on the site! If I charged only $12,422 for this site, it would be like selling an old suitcase for $10 at a yard sale... when that suitcase happens to contain 20 bricks of pure, uncut colombian cocaine! (I have the most popular yard sales in my neighborhood). Once you add in the value of the content, Joey Headset is going to be worth that much more.
In order to prove this definitively, I tracked down a website that calculates the TOTAL WORTH of a website... not just the value of the domain it happens to be parked on. After churning through some complicated calculation algorithms, this Blog Worth Calculator spewed forth the following:
An interesting result. It seems that my whole website is worth $6,774.48 while just the domain is worth $12,422.00. Therefore, I must conclude that the internet-web-humor I've lovingly crafted for your enertainment has actually DECREASED the value of my domain by $5647.52!
Wow. I must really, really suck.
May 02, 2006
Growing the Brand
I am proud to announce that Joeyheadset.com has increased its daily web traffic by 226% over the last three months! Don't believe me? Check out this very-plausible looking graph:
That's 3 months of solid growth. Feel the excitement! Catch this feeling! Get on board the buzz-train before it pulls out of the station AND GOES TO SOME OTHER STATION! The steady increase in joeyheadset visitors is remarkable -- especially when you consider this graph, depicting the quality level of Joey Headset content over the same period:
With my website's traffic on the rise, I can finally start looking for new ways to
take your money grow the Joey Headset brand. In the area of web-humor-entertainment, Joey Headset is already a well-respected brand with impressive name recognition among key demographics. (key demographics = shut-ins and people with severe emotional problems). In fact, my brand is strong enough to facilitate synergistic expansion into NEW markets. For instance, audiences that already enjoy reading my bitchy TV reviews should also be willing to try my new signature cologne. I'm calling it, "Joey: The Fragrance". It's a bold new scent that SMELLS LIKE SELF-LOATHING. If that works out, I'm also planning to release a line of Joey branded feminine hygiene products.
Another way for me to make money off the Joey Headset brand is through advertising. Lots and lots of advertising.
"But Joey, if you put ads on this site, won't that make you a SELLOUT?"
An interesting and surprisingly complicated question. The short answer is "not really". The long answer is "yeah, pretty much." But keep in mind, there are distinct advantages to selling out. I could use the ad revenue to generate premium, rich-media content and to introduce contests and promotions featuring all manner of fabulous prizes. Hell, I could even use the money to go out and SEE some of the movies I review.
Of course, the operative word here is "could". I could use the extra money to improve the site, but in reality, I would probably just spend it on liquor and video games.
If it turns out the Joey Headset brand isn't strong enough to generate revenue through synergistic marketing and ad-whoring, I guess I could just do like everyone else on the web: sell T-shirts. Everyone loves T-shirts.
April 11, 2006
My 100th Post!
What you're reading right now is post number 100 on this, the Joey Headset website. That's right: my website is now 100 posts old. It's been a wild ride, full of chills and thrills, cutting satire and insightful cultural commentary! For my 100th post, I wanted to do something really special. But that sounded like a lot of work, so instead I'm just going to post links to some of my older articles. Think of this as a "best-of" episode: an opportunity for new readers to catch up on some classic Joey Headset moments they might have missed. So now, with no further introduction: The VERY BEST of Joey Headset's first 100 posts!
You see that thing above? It's a tumbleweed. Well, it's an animated picture of a tumbleweed. It symbolizes the fact that there really is no legitimate "best of" for this stupid-ass site. Honestly, this website sucks. I suck for writing it, you probably suck for reading it. I'm not trying to be all emo about it... but come on, I'm just saying what you're already thinking. Even the damn tumbleweed graphic I did is crap. The image was supposed to rotate as it moves across the screen -- except I messed up and then was too lazy to fix it. That's the sort of substandard quality you've come to expect from my website. I'm all about cultivating low expectations, then failing even to live up to them. You can't squeeze blood from a stone, you can't polish a turd, and you really can't salvage a "best-of" out of the steaming pile of crap that is JoeyHeadset.com.
But what the hell, let's do it anyway!
Some people enjoyed my profile of director Uwe Boll, a cinematic visionary. Fewer people enjoyed my list of six reasons why Billy Ocean is better than Lionel Richie. I posted a furious rant about a TV commercial jingle which you might find amusing. Or not. A while back I provided my readers with "Fun Facts" about Demolition Derbies and Julius Caesar -- though they weren't that entertaining, at least they were educational. Finally, I've done a few webcomics which I guess some people like since they keep jacking them from my site and posting them on message boards.
So there it is... the so-called Best of Joey Headset. Let hope the next 100 posts are better than the ones linked above. They certainly couldn't be much worse.
March 22, 2006
Just created a new banner for the site. (It's the thing at the top of the page that says "DOWN for a JACK MOVE"). This one has more of the BOLD, IN YOUR FACE attitude you've come to expect from joeyheadset.com. The beige and seafoam green of yesteryear have made way for an impactful blue and gold theme that really grows the brand.
Hope you like it or whatever.
February 24, 2006
From time to time, I check the "webstats" for this site. I'm always curious to see how many people are visiting the site, what pages they are viewing and what links they followed to get here. All this month, I have been rather surprised to see that my top three referrers - the sites that have sent the most traffic my way - included the following:
These links are "NSFW". Obviously.
Honestly, I have no idea why these pages have posted links to my site. Lest there be any confusion, let me be perfectly clear:
There are NO gay orgy videos on joeyheadset.com.
There is NO hairy lesbian movie sex on joeyheadset.com.
Whatever "asian cum shemale shot" is - you will NOT find it on joeyheadset.com.
Not yet, anyway. Come back in March.
February 11, 2006
Joey's Blue Period
... is OVER. I finally replaced that horrific baby blue background with a custom-made background image. Good ol' Photoshop filter effects: "Making Actual Artistic Talent Unnecessary Since 1993". This will be the first in a series of cosmetic changes I'll be making in the days to come. But don't worry: even though the look of the site will be drastically improved, the quality of the content will remain embarrassingly low.
Just the way you like it.
September 27, 2005
Joey goes Digital, part 2
A few days ago I got DirecTV installed at my place... and I said I was going to keep a DirecTV diary to relate my TV watching experiences. As you may have noticed, no such diary has materialized. In fact, nothing has appeared on this site since I got my DirecTV (with its 4000 channels of digital goodness).
Well, that was pretty predictable, wasn't it? See, there was something I didn't consider when I promised to do the diary. At the time, I didn't realize that in order to post on this site, I would have to actually stop watching DirecTV long enough to sit down at the computer and write something. Clearly, that wasn't going to happen.
Here's the problem: Back with my old cable TV system, there were only 50 channels. So I would turn on the TV, and it would take me about 5-10 minutes to flip through all the channels and see that there was nothing on worth watching. Then I would go back to writing angry rants on the internet... or downloading porn. Whichever. But now that I have 7000 channels, by the time I'm done flipping through all of them, an hour has gone by (at least), and there's a good chance that half the channels I'd already checked have something new on. So I have to check them all over again. Some might call this a "vicious circle", but I prefer to think of it as "an optimal excuse for not having a girlfriend". The point is, since the satellite got installed, I've scarcely left the warm embrace of my 100% digital signal. And if I wasn't going to leave the TV to eat or bathe or urinate into something more appropriate than an empty coke can, I sure as hell wasn't going to leave just so I could update some stupid website.
The good news is that I seem to have developed a tolerance over the last 48 hours. I can now drag myself away from the TV for brief periods... just long enough for me to post on this site... assuming I can get my hands to stop shaking while I type. Withdrawl's a bitch. Anyway, I'm hoping my tolerance increases over the next few days so that I can resume a regular posting schedule... at least until October 5th. That's when the NHL season starts, and my Center Ice package kicks in. Wouldn't count on hearing much from me after that.
September 21, 2005
Joey goes Digital
So... guess who just got set up with DirecTV?
Here's a hint:
That's right: I, Joey Headset, now have access to 3000 channels of pure digital goodness. But it didn't come easy. I had to knock down trees to make this happen. When I say, "I had to knock down trees", I don't mean "I had to hire some tree guy to come to my house and cut down some trees for me". No... I was out there with an axe, choppin' and shit. If you will forgive me the obscure video game reference, I was an "Ax Battler". Although I think Ax Battler used a sword... it was the dwarf who actually swung the axe.
Anyway, I plan to keep a DirecTV diary on this site for the next few days. This will not only allow me to share my joyous televisual experiences as they happen, but also to demonstrate - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that I have absolutely no fucking life, whatsoever.
I'll be fun. Really.