February 26, 2007
Get Your Buzz On, a Joey Headset Guide to Energy Drinks
If you're like me, you rely on chemicals to facilitate every aspect of your daily life. Working, sleeping, social interaction -- I couldn't do any of these without alcohol, alcohol, and more alcohol (respectively). But sometimes I'm not looking to get buzzed in the drunken, totally fucked-up sense. Rather, I need that OTHER kind of buzz... the kind I can only obtain from a delicious and healthful Energy Drink!
What exactly is an energy drink? There's a short and long answer to this question. The short answer: It's a soda that costs $3. The long answer: It's a soda that costs $3 for just 8oz.
Listen to me you smiley-faced bastard: The day Joey Headset drinks generic soda is the day a FLYING PIG wins olympic gold in the ski jumping competition... IN HELL.
Are energy drinks more expensive than regular soda? You bet they are -- and they're worth the money. You see, soft drinks contain only sugar and caffeine, whereas energy drinks contain sugar, caffeine AND a wild assortment of Special Ingredients. Though different brands each have their own distinct mix, some of the more common additives include: taurine, guarana, inositol, carnitine, and wild yak urine (most notably in Red Yak, the popular Mongolian beverage). These special ingredients are what give energy drinks their invigorating and revitalizing punch!
By law, I'm required to tell you that the previous statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. Hell, it hasn't even been evaluated by the American Beverage Association, who officially classify energy drinks as "novelty refreshment beverage products" that "are not designed to be a functional beverage product". I don't know about you, but I'm ready to fork over my $3 RIGHT NOW!
Good question Cap'n! Walk into any convenience store and you'll find yourself staring down a dizzying array of Monsters and No Fears and Full Throttles. You can't pick just by looking at the label -- each drink presents itself as more HARD CORE and XXXTREME than the next. It's enough to make you want to forget energy drinks and chug a jumbo bottle of Nyquil instead -- to soothe your nerves. Relax, my nyquil gulping friend, there's good news! Energy drinks are like snowflakes: technically they are all different, but in every meaningful sense, they are all exactly the same. There are at least 1,500 different brands on the market, and I'm pretty sure that 1,475 of those are the exact same drink. They just put them in different cans. Even so, there are a few things to consider when purchasing an energy drink.
First of all, never NEVER buy a diet or lo-cal energy drink. The primary active ingredient in all of these beverages is the SUGAR. Sugar = energy. If you don't feel like you're one sip away from lapsing into a diabetic coma after slamming an energy drink, then you've wasted your money. Drinking a diet energy drink is like kissing your sister. And I'm referring specifically to YOUR sister, who everyone knows is a dirty whore. Like a dirty whore, diet energy drinks are without any redeeming value. Avoid them at all costs.
Second of all, you should never EVER buy an energy drink endorsed by Steven Seagal. I mean... seriously, WTF?
Finally, there are a few brands that are worthy of special consideration.
Red Bull: The grandaddy of energy drinks, Red Bull was around when all the other drinks were nothing but a twinkle in the eye of a multinational beverage conglomerate. The stimulating effects of Red Bull are well known. The first time I drank it, I spent the rest of the day lying in bed with heart palpitations. Probably didn't help that I chased the Red Bull with a Starbucks Doubleshot espresso drink. Really, the only downside of Red Bull is the taste. If I had to select one word to describe the delicate flavor of Red Bull, that word would be ASS. Not just regular ass, either. A harsh, medicinal variety of ass. For its powerful kick and chemical-waste flavor, I award Red Bull three Joeys. JITTERY JOEYS!
Cocaine: Naming an energy drink after a controlled substance? Now THAT'S edgy marketing!
But does the drink live up to its name? Hmm... let's see. Cocaine the drug is an intense stimulant, responsible for the popularity of leg warmers, American Gladiators and the music of Night Ranger. Cocaine the energy drink is just a soft drink with an extra shot of caffeine. No, it does NOT live up to its name. But remember, when you buy an energy drink, 90% of what you're paying for is edgy marketing. So you might as well choose a drink with a marketing schtick so XXXTREEEM that most retailers will refuse to sell it. For this bold strategy, I'll give Cocaine five Jittery Joeys.
Coca-Sek: Some drinks talk a good game and some actually deliver the goods. This Columbian drink, translated as "Coca of the Sun", is the only energy drink made from real coca leaves. You know what else is made from coca leaves? Cocaine. No, not the energy drink, actual Cocaine! The same drug that President George W. Bush didn't necessarily abuse in the 80s. This is not to say that a can of Coca-Sek has the same effect as three lines of coke snorted off a hooker's tits with a hundred dollar bill. Trust me, it doesn't. Even so, this drink reportedly provides a unique and stimulating buzz. I say "reportedly" because the drink isn't available in the US, and never will be -- the Coca-Cola corporation has a few hundred lawyers who'll make damn sure of that. Despite its lack of availability, I give Coca-Sek 8 JJs.
Energy drinks are more than overpriced sodas. They're overpriced sodas, TO THE MAXXX!!!! Go out and buy yourself one today. And here's a tip: if you want to maximize the effects of an energy drink, chase it with a few hits of CRYSTAL METH. It's like crack, but for white people!
January 19, 2007
Get Your Tube On: A Joey Headset Guide to Buying a New TV
A few days ago, I told you how I fixed my broken TV set. By HITTING it. Physical violence is certainly a viable means of fixing nonfunctional electronic equipment, but I failed to mention one downside: the effects tend to be somewhat temporary in nature.
When my TV first showed signs of failure, I struck it just once and it snapped back to life. SO SATISFYING! However, a couple of days later, it broke down again. So I hit it again, a few times until the picture returned. This worked fine, until it blinked out again the next day. This time I had to wail on the thing with my fist for about half an hour until I could get it working. Within a few hours, it was down again and no amount of pugilistic abuse could get it working again.
I had no choice: I had to buy a new TV.
But this is hardly a tragedy. There is perhaps no more AMERICAN act than that of buying a new television. Voting is patriotic, I guess. So is killing people who don't worship Jesus Christ. But, for my money, the most pro-American thing any of us can do is buy consumer electronics for home entertainment. And the TV is the Uber-Mack-Daddy of the home entertainment world.
But before we talk about buying a new TV, let's observe a moment of silence for my old unit (I called her Bessie Lou):
I bought this TV at an auction where they were liquidating the assets of a defunct mental health facility. Got a SWEET deal on it too! Obviously, lot has changed in televisual technology since the days of Bessie Lou. Now there's widescreen TV, HDTV, Plasma TV. Even VeganTV, made entirely out of soy and soy byproducts.
Before purchasing a new television, you first need to decide how much you're willing to spend. They say a good rule of thumb for buying a wedding ring is 2 months salary. Seems reasonable, right? Well, a TV will provide you with AT LEAST twice as much pleasure as any wedding ring (or any wife/husband who would be wearing it). Therefore, when buying a new TV, you should be willing to spend at least 4 months salary. Therefore, if you make $30,000 dollars a year, you should look at TVs in the $10,000 range.
Once you know how much you'll be set back on your purchase, you'll need to select a model. First of all, any TV you purchase absolutely MUST be High Definition. You haven't seen those bitches on The View until you've seen them in glorious HD! And, if you're a sports fan, you'll go freaking nuts when you see athletic competition on an HD set. If you look closely, you can almost see the steroids pulsing through your favorite player's veins.
But what HD standard should you go for? Is 1080i really better than 1080p? Good news: these numbers don't actually mean anything. The only thing that REALLY matters is that you buy the largest TV you can afford. Or the largest one you can fit in your apartment. At first, you might be slightly embarrassed to own such a large TV, particularly when girls come over. They might think you're overcompensating for inadequacies in other areas... such as the puny hybrid car you drive. But the great thing about buying a gigantic television is that -- after a few weeks of telegasmic bliss -- you'll lose all interest in the opposite sex. Or in social activity of any kind.
Remember: someone who says "I didn't go out Friday night, I stayed in my apartment watching TV" is a complete LOSER. But, someone who says "I didn't go out Friday night, I stayed in my apartment watching my WIDE SCREEN HDTV"... well, that person is probably also a loser. But at least he's a loser with an awesome TV. And, at the end of the day, isn't that what REALLY matters?
October 27, 2006
Get Your Scare On: A Joey Headset Guide to Halloween
Regarding Halloween, I believe it was the rap group Wreckx-N-Effect that said it best when they said "I ain't into trickin, just the treatin -- and I ain't into treatin every trick that I'm eatin!" Truer words were never spoken. Of course, the song that included this lyric was entitled "Rump Shaker". So I suppose it's possible they weren't talking about Halloween so much as they were talking about... well, rump shaking. Even so, the sentiment is still valid! Halloween is the scariest and awesomeist holiday around. But it's SO misunderstood! Most people don't even know the history of the holiday.
Halloween was established in the late 1880's by George Renninger, a professional confectioner. After inventing Candy Corn, one of the least appealing candy products of all time, Renninger struggled to sell those putrid crap-nuggets to the public.
Renninger had little luck... until he tripped over an old fruitcake he had placed under the leg of a wobbly coffee table. He thought to himself, "No one actually likes fruitcakes, but they always buy them at Christmas, just because they're TRADITIONAL." In a sudden burst of inspiration, Renninger created Halloween: a holiday specifically designed to sell Candy Corn. Renninger couldn't make palatable candy to save his life... but he was a marketing GENIUS!
Halloween is a special kind of holiday. We observe typical holidays by over-indulging on alcohol. This is true for Christmas, New Years, Columbus Day... Ramadan. Halloween is different because we celebrate by over-indulging on candy rather than booze. This is not to say there's no drinking on Halloween. There is drinking. A LOT of drinking. But it's really more about the candy, and various forms of recreational vandalism. Remember: Halloween is the only day of the year when destroying other people's property is perfectly legal. Well, it's legal so long as no one sees you do it. Some people like to TP their neighbor's yard or throw eggs at their front door. Personally, I like to go that extra mile and smash up the windows on his Madza Miata. One time, I even set his dog on fire. That's a Halloween neither I nor my neighbor will soon forget!
Of course, we can't neglect the most popular aspect of Halloween: the costumes! When it comes to Halloween costumes, there are different expectations for girls and guys. For the ladies, Halloween isn't a time for dressing up -- it's a time for dressing in not very much at all! I know it gets chilly in late October, but trust your friend Joey when he tells you bitches: less (clothing) is more! But this doesn't mean you have to dress like a WHORE. Though, come to think of it, a whore costume would be an excellent choice. However, there are other options. You could show up to a Halloween party dressed as a vampire. A SLUTTY vampire. Also acceptable: slutty nurses, slutty wood nymphs, slutty tax accountants. As long as the costume is slutty, it's ALL GOOD. Unless you're ugly. In that case, you should come dressed as a ghost... or any other costume where you cover yourself with a sheet.
Fellas have much more flexibility when selecting costumes. Be creative! Last year I went out dressed as a vicious gang member. I wore a blue bandana (CRIPS 4 LIFE!) and carried a big knife. When I went out Trick-or-Treating, I didn't just get lots of candy. I also got watches, jewelry... even a couple of wallets! Best Halloween EVER. The year before that, I went out dressed as a male prostitute.
Sadly, nobody wanted to give me any treats. But a few people I met out on the street were interested in TRICKS -- and they were even willing to pay for them. I'll take $50 cash over "fun-sized" Snickers any day of the week!
Halloween is the most fun you have without breaking state or federal laws. Have a great time Trick-or-Treating... and STAY SAFE! If you find any razor blades in your candy, be sure to rinse them thoroughly before popping them in your mouth.
September 10, 2006
Get Your Roster On: A Joey Headset Guide to Fantasy Football
You can't get away from it: Fantasy football is everywhere. You probably have friends who play... and if you don't have any friends, it's pretty likely you're already playing. Hell, I play in thirteen different leagues, and I don't even LIKE fantasy football. Yet, I do enjoy spending my Saturday nights obsessively checking injury reports and re-shuffling my rosters. Trust me, this is way better than getting drunk and talking to girls.
Touche, drunk bitches.
A lot of people ask, "where's the FANTASY in fantasy football?" This is a perfectly reasonable question. Personally, the only fantasy I have relating to football involves the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders, a desert island and a giant tube of Astroglide. Sometimes, if I've been drinking, Tom Brady is also there. I'd rather not go into details about that. Anyway, this game is called Fantasy Football for the same reason Dungeons and Dragons is called a Fantasy Role Playing Game: because Fantasy Football is set in a thrilling fictional world of swords, magic and mystery! Dragons, wizards, elves, Norwegians -- they're all in the game, along with your favorite professional football players.
NFL fans who are new to fantasy football often have a hard time adjusting their strategy to the fantasy elements of the game. For example: most fans agree that the Chicago Bears have one of the strongest defensive lines in the league. But can Chicago's D-line withstand the awesome force of a Fireball cast by a 13th level Magic User? Certainly not! Well, not unless they had each equipped a +2 Jockstrap of Fire Resistance -- a very sensible choice, considering the prevalence of Pyromancy in the West Coast Offense.
If you are just getting started in fantasy football, here are some guidelines you should follow when drafting your team and setting your roster. Follow these tips and you'll not only dominate your league, but you might even secure access to the Mystical Power Crystal of Ul-goreth:
QB Charisma: Be sure to draft a quarterback with a high Charisma ranking. Obviously, many QBs use Charisma as their "dump stat" (most notably, Arizona's Kurt Warner). However, passers with a CHR score of 16+ get big bonuses in pass protection from their linemen, as well as increased performance from their receivers. Remember: no player wants to sacrifice their body for a quarterback who's a total dick.
Heal that Hammy: If you drafted Terrell Owens, Steve Smith or Hines Ward, make sure your team cleric has memorized several Cure Tweaked Hamstring spells. The same goes for your Healerback, if you're still playing with the old 2.5 rulebook. Also, if you drafted T.O. you might want to equip him with a Ring of Ego Suppression.
Smashmouth Defense: Members of the Barbarian character class are popular choices when drafting linebackers. However, most leagues do not allow Barbarian defenders to wear helmets or to bring their giant warhammers onto the field. Also, Barbarians tend to get penalized more than most character classes. Nothing brings out a shower of yellow flags faster than an inside linebacker devouring the entrails of a tight end he just disemboweled after a tackle. Smart fantasy players often select linebackers in the Rogue/Thief player class. They are great at "stealing" errant passes and do double damage when sacking quarterbacks from behind.
Home Team Advantage: When setting your roster, never underestimate the edge teams gain when playing on their home field. Road teams must contend with a variety of obstacles: everything from crowd noise and unfamiliar terrain to pit traps and magical runes that summon demons from the 5th Infernal Plane. Consider San Diego's season opener at Oakland. LaDainian Tomlinson is probably best running back in the league. But even he will have a hard time gaining yardage if he triggers the poison dart trap Oakland has set on the 50 yard line. Similarly, you won't see Chargers TE Antonio Gates hauling down many passes in the red zone if he gets dismembered by the Giant Spiders that live in the visiting team's locker room at McAfee Coliseum. (Rob Ryan, Oakland's defensive coordinator, is known for his masterful use of arachnoidal blitz packages.)
Fantasy football has been bringing together jocks and geeks almost as long as atomic wedgies and locker room swirlies. Join a league today, and experience the competition, the camaraderie and the lost productivity that's certain to undermine the American economy. After all, those 11 year old sweatshop workers in China don't have much time for fantasy football. Those crazy kids are just too busy -- too busy making EVERYTHING YOU OWN.
August 24, 2006
Get Your Kilo On: A Joey Headset Guide to the Metric System
What do Liberia, Myanmar and the United States have in common? If you guessed "rampant infant mortality" or "governance via a brutal military junta", you very nearly guessed right! Actually, the one thing all three have in common is this: They are the only nations in the world that have NOT officially adopted the metric system.
Of course, if you live in Liberia or Myanmar, you don't have the internet. Or computers. So, you're probably not reading this right now. However, if you live in the USA, you might be reading this... and wondering just what the hell this "metric system" is all about. As usual, I have all the answers you need. Get out pad and paper, I'm taking you to Metric School.
Before the invention of the metric system, there were no standard systems of measurement. Everyone measured things differently, using idiosyncratic units of measurement that nobody else comprehended. This made it rather difficult for young men to brag about the size of their genitalia.
Invented in France in the late 1700s, the metric system created a standardized system of wang comparison. It also facilitated commerce and science and other crap I don't care about. The metric system quickly spread across Europe, just like the bubonic plague... or Hitler. And, like Hitler, the metric system wasn't content to enforce its will upon only one continent. In South America, Asia, Africa, one nation after another succumbed to Metric Fever.
It really is amazing how quickly the metric system caught on, considering how COMPLICATED it is. Think about the elegant simplicity of our American system of length measurement: There are 12 inches in a foot, 3 feet in a yard, and 1,760 yards in a mile. 12/3/1,760. What could be simpler than that? Compare this to the erratic complexity of the metric units of length: There are 10 millimeters in a centimeter. However, there are only 10 centimeters in a decimeter. And, though it's natural to assume that there are 41 decimeters within a meter, there are actually only 10. 10/10/10. How the hell is anyone supposed to remember that?
Despite its staggering complexity, the metric system does have its advantages. For instance, 1 ounce of whiskey is equal in quantity to almost 30 milliliters of that same whiskey. However: 30 milliliters of whiskey gets you 30 times more drunk than 1 ounce of whiskey. Not only is this AWESOME, but it also explains why Ireland was so quick to embrace the metric system. Here's another example: NBA superstar Shaquille O'Neal is 7 feet, 1 inches tall. He's a big guy... but not as big as Yao Ming, who stretches out to 7 feet, 6 inches. You might not think that 5 inches makes such a difference, but remember that Yao is Chinese -- and in China, they use the metric system. Once you convert his height to centimeters, it turns out Yao Ming is actually FOUR TIMES taller than Shaq. Plus, he has a much better free throw percentage.
For many years, Metric Activists have campaigned to get the United States to fully adopt the metric system. I admire their commitment to the cause, but we all know its never ever EVER going to happen. The United States of America isn't about to start accommodating other nations. Not now. Converting to the same system used by every civilized nation on earth, after all this time, would be nothing but a sign of weakness. When America flies its jets over other countries, dropping 500lb bombs on their cities, the world knows the USA MEANS BUSINESS. If we Americans started blowing people up with 226.79 kilogram bombs, no one would take us seriously. Sure, civilians would still be maimed, and buildings would still be leveled, but it just wouldn't be the same. It would be like the terrorists had already won. So let the rest of the world play around with their deci-this and milli-that. This is America, and we won't ever change our system of measurement because WE'RE #1!
Though, metrically speaking, we are #0.349.
July 31, 2006
Get Your Text On: A Joey Headset Guide to Text Messaging
Back in the day, cell phones were rare. Even the smallest ones weighed over 10lbs and the only people who needed them were drug dealers and stock brokers. These days, cell phones are everywhere! They weigh less than 10 ounces, and the only people who need them are drug dealers and stock brokers. Some things never change.
But you don't need to need a mobile phone in order to enjoy one! In fact, it isn't even necessary to have a working mobile to reap the benefits. Last week I managed to break my phone ("accidentally" slammed it against the wall), but I'm still getting great use out of it! I talk very loudly into my phone in restaurants, fiddle with it endlessly when people are trying to talk to me... and I don't have to pay any monthly charges!
However, there are a few advantages to owning a functional cell phone. The most notable advantage is Text Messaging, also known as Short Message Service (SMS) or simply Texting. Sure, you can "make phone calls" on your phone, but that is so 2005. Why talk to someone on a phone when you can spend half an hour typing out annoying little messages to them? Other than the fact that the former is useful and convenient and the latter is useless and a massive pain in the ass, I can't think of a single reason why one would opt for voice telephony over neo-telegraphy.
Though "texting" is unquestionably AWESOME, text n00bs often have some questions about how the whole thing works. "Do I have to pay extra on my calling plan for Text Messaging?" "Really? How much do I have to pay?" "Seriously, they actually expect me to PAY for this service?". These are all excellent (and very common) questions. I can't answer any of them. Sorry. Go ask Catherine Zeta-Jones over at T-Mobile. She seems to be pretty up on this stuff.
For those of you who don't mind jacking up your monthly charges $0.10 at a time, you may have more practical questions. "I own a Sprint/Samsung m250 camera phone and I need to know how I get to the texting menu from the main options menu." Sorry, I can't help you there, either. You should probably head to the nearest shopping mall and see if you can track down a 14-16 year old girl who has the same model phone as you. Teenage girls are master Textnicians, and are always happy to teach "creepy old dudes" the Texting Arts. Of course, they will probably be too busy to actually talk to you, instead opting to communicate via text messages on your phone. For you -- the txt-neophyte -- this may be a problem, for obvious reasons. Also, I would be irresponsible if I didn't mention this: one should be careful when stalking teenage girls in public places. Mall security doesn't always have the greatest sense of humor about this sort of thing.
Once you learn how to access the SMS function on your phone, you'll need to get some practice. Don't worry if you're "all-thumbs"... because thumbs are the only appendages you need when it comes to Text Messaging (also hitchhiking)! Nimble thumbs will allow you to communicate at a furious rate of 7 or 8 Words Per Minute, just like the pros. Also, if you are looking to increase your texting speed, you can learn "txtspk" -- an abbreviated version of English. You know, English: the language of Shkspr. In txtspk, his famous line: "To be or not to be, that is the question." would translate to "2 b o not 2 b dat iz d :-Q." In this case, txtspk has shortened the original phrase from 32 characters to only 18. That's a 56% increase in texting efficiency and only a 214% decrease in message intelligibility -- a bargain any way you look at it. Here is another bit of famous Shksprian verse, from King Lear. See if you can translate it to txtspk yourself:
"O, reason not the need: our basest beggars
Are in the poorest thing superfluous:
Allow not nature more than nature needs,
Man's life's as cheap as beast's: thou art a lady;"
Here's the correct translation:
"O rsn nt d nEd: r bsst bgrz
R n d prrst tng sprflzz
Low n n@t4R m5&* tn n@t4R ndz
MnZ L()4 #)H $#@ek#kj"
Beautiful AND efficient. If only Wlm S. had possessed a mobile phone and a working knowledge of txtspk. Think of all the extra plays he could have written!
Now you know everything you need to Get Your Text On in style. Stretch out those thumbs and text everyone you know! But don't bother texting me. My phone is still broken... and I'm planning on keeping it that way.
July 01, 2006
Get Your Drift On, a Joey Headset Guide to Drift Racing
Drift Racing is the fastest growing sport in the world! Well... perhaps that's an exaggeration. Certainly it's the fastest growing motor sport in the world. At the very least, it's the fastest growing motor sport that doesn't rhyme with ASSCAR.
If you're unfamiliar with Drift Racing, it's the same underground street racing seen in The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift and on the G4 Network's Formula D. Assuming you (like most Americans) haven't actually seen either of these, here's a video clip:
Looking at that video, I bet many of you are thinking "wow, I wish I could do that in my Ford Fiesta!" Good news: you can. All you need is a car, a limitless budget for auto-repairs and an excellent relationship with your local law enforcement community. That last one is very important, especially if you enjoy drifting in a school zone. I know I do.
There are many different techniques used by Professional Drift Athletes. There's the Power Oversteer method, the Shift Lock system and a procedure known as Clutch Kick. Though these techniques have WAY COOL names, they're awfully complicated. They all require a working knowledge of weight transfer and slip differential and BLAH BLAH BOOORRINNG. In reality, you don't need a degree in mechanical engineering to "get your drift on" just like the pros. All they're doing is forcing an automobile into a barely-controlled skid around tight corners at an extreme velocity. How hard can that be?
Through trial and error, I've discovered it's not very hard at all. I've developed two techniques that anyone can use to experience the thrill of drifting for themselves.
Technique 1: 2 Pedals 2 the Metal
Stretch out those calf muscles, you're going to need them! In an automatic transmission vehicle, drift can be attained by accelerating to 85 MPH and then slamming the brakes hard while jamming the throttle to the floor. By braking and accelerating simultaneously, you create what physicists call "drift-mentum" -- a force that propels your vehicle sideways (and, eventually, straight into the repair shop).
Though this technique works fine for automatic transmission vehicles, SERIOUS drivers all prefer manual transmissions. Working the gears manually gives you much more control over the vehicle, though it does make it harder to talk on your mobile phone while eating a seven layer burrito and searching for podcasts on your iPod. Harder... but not impossible.
Technique 2: Tokyo Shift
For manual transmission vehicles, the trick is to engage two sets of opposing gears in quick succession. What I like to do is get the car into 5th gear on the highway, then suddenly downshift into Reverse. This method forces the vehicle to compromise between forward and backward momentum, thereby sliding the car into a lateral trajectory. When you execute this maneuver, your car may produce a soft whizzing or harsh grinding sound, accompanied by an acrid smoke wafting from the gearbox. Don't worry, this is perfectly normal! Even so, I always recommend that novice (and even advanced) drifters practice their craft on rental cars.
With a little bit of skill and a whole lot of disposable income, you'll soon be drifting like grandpa behind the wheel of his 1972 Buick Centurion. Drift on!
June 03, 2006
Get Your Ink On: A Joey Headset Guide to Tattoos
Nothing looks cooler than a tattoo.
Not this tattoo, obviously. But, as a general rule, tattoos = AWESOME. And these days, everyone seems to be getting one. Though ink used to be just for rock stars, military men and skank ass bitches, more and more regular people are getting them. Regular, boring, ugly, stupid people like you and me. Well... mostly you. As a public service to my readers, I offer this guide to the exciting and diverse world of body art.
First, a bit of history: The art of tattooing, or tattoonometry, is an ancient one. The first tattoos were worn by tribal warriors of the Neolithic period. These brave combatants marked their bodies to commemorate victories on the field of battle. Tattoos were also popular amongst Neolithic hipsters who hoped to obtain the street-cred of warriors, without all that messy bloodshed. Inked-up hipsters of this sort usually worked in record stores. Neolithic record stores.
In these ancient times, tattoo technology was predictably crude. Tribal tattooists would apply pigment to the tip of a blade and then stab you over and over again until some kind of interesting image appeared on your skin. Frequently, this would not occur until well after you had bled to death. Fortunately for you, modern technology has greatly improved the tattooing process. Now the stabby-blade is electric and can perforate you 150 times a second! It still hurts like hell, but at least you may survive the procedure long enough to regret it.
If you intend to get some ink done on your own bad self, you will need to make a few critical decisions. First of all, you must choose a place to park your tattoo. Tattoos can be applied anywhere you have skin. Shoulders, wrists and ankles are the most popular spots, but I've found that that the ASS is the best tattoo location. More than any other part of the human anatomy, the ass serves as a spacious blank canvas for a skin artist. If Monopoly were a game about tattoo placement, Boardwalk would be your left ass cheek and Park Place would be your right (the cleft area in-between... we'll call that Community Chest). On a personal note, I have several tattoos in the ass region, and I love showing them off. Particularly when I'm at the Olive Garden. Hey, why spend the money on a tattoo if you're not going to let anyone see it? (Just don't use this argument with a judge when you're charged with indecent exposure -- I've found it to be less-than-effective.)
Of course, you will also need to determine what you want the tattoo to look like. Choosing a design is a deeply personal decision. You want to pick an image that is meaningful to you, something that lets the world know who you are. That's why I suggest that everyone gets this image tattooed somewhere on their body.
Come on... how sweet would that look on your left bicep?
If you're not hardcore enough to sport a Joey Headset tattoo, you could always get a heart or a rose or some weird asian character you can't even read. No matter what you decide upon, be sure to keep a copy of your chosen design in your wallet at all times. You never know when you might drunkenly stumble into a tattoo parlour at 3AM. In fact, my experience tells me that this is the ONLY circumstance in which anyone gets a tattoo. If you don't already possess a well-conceived tattoo design in this situation, you'll end up getting something "spontaneous". And in tattoos, spontaneous is never good. If you don't believe me, I'd be happy to show you the depiction of Papa Smurf urinating on a Volkswagen logo that adorns my left thigh. It ain't pretty.
Once you've chosen your tattoo design, you will need to find a skilled artist to execute it. Finding the right artist can be the most difficult part of the process. Here are a few guidelines:
When picking a tattoo studio, I've found that cheaper is always better. I don't trust any place that charges more for a tattoo than I would pay for an oil change at Jiffy Lube. Hell, I'd let the boys at Jiffy Lube do my ink if I could -- they do nice work over there. Besides, those expensive studios do most of their business with Angelina Jolie, who gets a new tattoo every other month (in the off-months, she adopts more refugee babies). Really cheap studios make a profit by doing a high volume of work. An artist who does 20 tats a day is going to be a hell of a lot sharper than one who only does a few. It's a fact!
It's also important that get your tattoo done at an establishment that is professional and classy. You shouldn't even consider getting inked at a place called John Smith's Tattoos or Main Street Tattoo Studio. No imagination! I've gotten all my tats at a place called Nawty Dawg'z Tatz n' More. It's not just a tattoo studio, it's also a pool hall. And a laundromat! I could wash my socks, play a few games of 9-ball and get some sweet ink done -- all at the some joint. So convenient! Sadly, Nawty Dawg'z shut down last month. Allegedly, there were cock fights going on in the back room. Stupid government and their anti-cockfighting laws.
Remember: getting a tattoo is a choice that lasts a lifetime. And, like all permanent choices, you WILL eventually regret it. However, if you do your homework and get it done right, you can at least postpone those inevitable feelings of remorse until middle age. By then, you'll probably regret so many other decions you've made, your embarrassing tattoos won't even rank in the top ten.
March 20, 2006
Get Your Grape On: A Joey Headset Guide to Wine
If you are anything like me, you get invited to a lot of parties; parties where you don't really know the hosts or feel like talking to any of the guests. At social occasions such as these, I've found that the best strategy is to drink until the people around you seem tolerable. Or at least until you get thrown out. Your results may very.
Personally, I prefer not to drink anything that I can't find at my local convenience store. I don't like surprises. However, at the parties I attend, people usually bring wine. Nothing wrong with that, per se... I'll drink wine if someone else is paying for it. The trouble is, when people bring wine to parties, they also like to talk about the wine. Even worse, they expect YOU to talk about it too! "I love the notes of apricot and tobacco in this California Chardonnay - WHAT DO YOU THINK?"
If you've ever found yourself in this awkward situation, you need some wine schoolin' and you need it pronto. Sit back, relax and let my knowledge wash over you like an Australian Shiraz enema. That's a kind of wine (see, you're already learning)!
Wine is produced when old, bearded men pour grape juice into barrels and combine it with grain alcohol. The alcohol kills off deadly bacteria strains that live inside grapes. Raw grapes, like most forms of fruit/vegetable, are indigestible by humans unless mixed with alcohol, sweetened with high fructose corn syrup or smothered in ranch dressing. For this reason, the safest wine to drink is the Wine Cooler - which contains both alcohol and corn syrup. Interesting historical note: Wine was invented by the ancient Greeks because having sex with young boys made them very thirsty. The fruity beverage not only quenched their thirst, but also made the young boys a little more "receptive" to their advances.
Unlike Gatorade or Kool-Aid, which comes in dozens of delicious flavors, wines all taste exactly the same. They all taste like wine. Though wine doesn't come in "flavors", it does come in many colors. White and red are the most common, but yellow, green and orange wines are not uncommon.
So, you might be wondering: "If all wines taste the same, how can I tell the good ones from the ones that suck crap?" This is easily accomplished. You can determine the quality of any wine by inspecting the bottle. On the wine's label, look for a one or two digit number followed by the letters "ABV" (this stands for Alcohol By Volume). The higher the number, the better the wine. It's that simple! You will find that the finest wines are classified as Fortified Wines. When I bring a bottle of wine to a fancy dinner party, I never bring anything weaker than 18% ABV. Thunderbird, MD 20/20, Cisco, Night Train - these are all excellent "vintages" that can be appreciated by both connoisseurs and train-yard derelicts.
Now you know virtually all there is to know about wine! Feel free to talk loudly about it at parties; use lots of big words and try to make other people feel stupid. Because the stupider other people feel, the smarter you seem.