February 14, 2008

Things Not to Say

Today is St. Valintine's Day, the second most romantic holiday of the year! The only holiday that's more romantic is Mother's Day. And why is that?

BECAUSE I ALWAYS SPEND IT WIT' YO MAMMA! HAHAHAHAHA BURNINATORZ!11!!1!!!elevn!!

Seriously though, Valentine's Day is very important for people who are in relationships. Particularly men, who are expected to take their lady friends to fancy restaurants and shower them in chocolates and flowers, as well as various topical creams and lotions. It's pretty disgusting, really.

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Now I can't help you decide what to buy for your girl on this special day, but I can give you a piece of advice that should serve you well during this romantic holiday:

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

No, seriously. Shut your smoochy hole. Nothing ruins a romantic night quicker than when you say something stupid. Believe me, I speak from EXPERIENCE. I've even assembled a list of comments that, in my experience, men should never ever EVER say to women. Not during Valentine's Day, and not any other day either. So that you might learn from my mistakes, I present this list to you:

"When I said you eat like a pig, I meant that you eat with great enthusiasm!"

"I thought you were asking if you looked PHAT in that dress. Word, yo."

"I only said your sister was hot to be polite. And I only slept with her because I was bored."

"Baby, it's not that I don't listen to you. It's just that the things you say are very boring and my mind can't retain them for longer than 15 seconds."

"I didn't give you syphilis. If you think about it, it's more like you borrowed syphilis from me."

"I'd love to come over and watch Grey's Anatomy with you... but unfortunately, I'm going to be very busy that night doing quite literally anything else."

"Please don't interrupt me while I'm watching commercials."

"I only come home drunk because you expect me to sleep with you."

"If I was really having an affair, why would I be spending all this money on hookers?"

"The only reason I've got all this porn is so that I can decide what size implants I want you to get."

"I tried to save you some of the coke, but Crystelle snorted it all before I could stop her. That's why I was spanking her when you got in."

"Yes, I am sure I gave your mother the correct directions. MapQuest is very accurate about the location of federal prisons."

"If you force me to wear a condom, isn't it like the Pro-Lifers have already won?"

"Yeah, I asked for the Happy Ending at the massage parlor. What, you'd have me end a perfectly good massage with a tragic ending?"

"Where I come from, 'stupid bitch' is a term of endearment. That's just how we roll in suburban Connecticut."

"I didn't hear you complaining about animal testing when you bought your fancy shampoos and cosmetics. But I donate JUST ONE of your cats for medical experimentation... and look who's suddenly the big animal rights activist!"

"I'm registered on that sex offender list for the same reason I'm registered with Selective Service. Because I love America. (And because some 14 year olds look really mature for their age)."

"You know, you look really hot when your mouth is shut."

Posted by Joey at 04:17 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 09, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving!

Let me be the first to wish all of you a very happy Thanksgiving!

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Sorry, Mr. T, I should have been more specific: Happy *Canadian* Thanksgiving! While Americans wait until late November to celebrate turkey day, those wacky Canucks get it over with in October. Americans and Canadians celebrate the holiday similarly: friends and family gather to enjoy a meal together. Really, the only difference is in the menu.

On the big day, Americans eat turkey. So do Canadians! However, our northern friends coat their turkey with a thick layer of maple syrup. From what I hear, they do that with all their poultry dishes. Canadians also enjoy traditional side dishes like sweet potatoes and stuffing. Of course, Canadians enjoy their own special versions of these dishes. We all know that when Canadians eat bacon, they are actually eating ham, or "Canadian Bacon", as they call it. Similarly, the Canadian version of sweet potatoes is actually a porridge made of ham and maple syrup. And their version of "stuffing" is really just a six-pack of Molson Canadian Lager.

After the main course, Canadian families skip dessert -- no punk'n pie or anything like that. Instead Canucks go straight for the Poutine, a delightful combination of french fries, cheese curds and piping hot gravy. How does it taste? Like all foods covered with piping hot gravy, it tastes DELCIOUS.

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September 26, 2007

Fun Facts: Boob Tube

The term "boob tube" is a colorful phrase that people often use to describe television. Also, it rhymes! But most people have no clue where this term comes from. Nor do they care. But since a tiny minority of you might be interested...

The use of the word "tube" to describe a TV harkens back to the days when television sets contained glass vacuum tubes. Vacuums were necessary because the tiny gnomes working their magic inside the television set were allergic to nitrogen, a key component of earth's atmosphere. Modern televisions don't require these tubes because the gnomes have been replaced by pixies (who thrive in a high nitrogen environment).

But why is it called the BOOB tube? You see, early television sets had very small screens.

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Though it was technically possible to display two female breasts on screen simultaneously, the image quality was so poor that viewers couldn't really enjoy them. Therefore, early tv programs would only show one breast at a time. Hence the singular Boob -- as opposed to the plural Boobs.

Heh, boobs.

Anyway, it's a little known fact that many popular actresses couldn't make the transition into the "two boob era", when TV screens expanded to accommodate double boobage. It turns out, these performers only had one good boob. The other was rubbish.

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Posted by Joey at 06:32 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

July 18, 2007

Hey Hey You You: A Pop Controversy

Ooh, there's a controversy brewing in PopTown!

It seems that Canadian post-teen pop sensation Avril Lavigne has been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. THE POP MUSIC LYRIC SWIPING COOKIE JAR!!!

Members of The Rubinoos, an obscure 70s rock band, claim that Lavigne ripped off their (only) hit song "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend" on recent single "Girlfriend". Needless to say, they've called their lawyers. Though it's not clear if Avril actually broke the law, there certainly are similarities.

Yeah, well. I guess you could call that a STRONG similarity. Not one to be accused of stealing something that was like totally her idea and stuff, Avril fired back. In a blog-style response on her website, Avril denied any meaningful similarities to the Rubinoos song. She does have a point. Whereas the Rubinoos song is a delightful slice of American proto-powerpop, Avril's song is a forgettable specimen of bubblegum brat-punk. But, ultimately, the whole issue comes down to four little words:

"hey hey you you"

Come to think of it, that's only two words. Echoed. This particular pop invocation is hardly new to popular music. Avril herself points out that the Rolling Stones used it in their classic anthem "Get Off of My Cloud". When Mick Jagger sang "hey hey you you get off of my cloud", he spoke for a whole generation of large lipped rockers who were no longer willing to share their hard-earned frozen clusters of water vapor droplets with random interlopers.

Since this song preceded both Lavigne and The Rubinoos, one might conclude that -- rather than the former ripping off the latter -- both artists simply copped the Stones.

Not so fast. The Rolling Stones weren't the first ones to tap the awesome power of Hey Hey You You. Some pop historians believe that Mick Jagger stole the chorus of "Get Off of My Cloud" from none other than "Jazz Singer" Al Jolson.

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Jolson's classic "Hey Hey You You (Wan' Me to Shine yo Shoes fo' you Massa?)" has been largely forgotten due to Political Correctness -- but Mick Jagger is an unapologetic fan of Al Jolson. Always has been. Could Jagger have "borrowed" this line from Jolson?

No. Not possible. If pop historians pulled their heads out of their $20,000 stereo systems for five minutes, they would realize that "Hey Hey You You" predates even Al Jolson. BY SEVERAL CENTURIES.

The first documented use of this pop invocation can be found circa 915 AD, in the Gregorian chant "Heu Heu, Tu Tu, Abi a meis Testibus". The literal translation of this latin chant would be "Alas Alas, You You, Depart from my Testicles". However, for our purposes, the modernized translation of "Hey Hey, You You, Get Off of my Nuts" will work just fine.

Avril, Jagger, whoever the fuck was in The Rubinoos -- they were all inspired by an antiquated religious chant. Who says religion is stupid and worthless?

Special thanks to Circa Eyes from the Latin Hotline for Latin Translation support. Also please note that the original caption of the Al Jolson pic above was "I'm like the beta version of Lenny Kravitz."

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March 02, 2007

Fun Facts: Endangered Species

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February 08, 2007

Fun Facts: Black History Month

February is Black History Month. It's also National Bird-Feeding Month, but I'll be damned if I'm going to give free food to any of those filthy, squawking avians. In celebration of Black History Month, here are some Fun Facts about black history you may have overlooked:

Many people believe that African-American botanist George Washington Carver invented peanut butter. This is more folk-tale than reality; peanut butter existed well before Carver published his recipe. However, it is a little known fact that a black man invented peanut-butter's best friend: jelly! This delicious fruity spread was invented by Ferdinand "Jelly Roll" Morton, a man who would go on to become the first true composer of jazz music.

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Most people are familiar with Harriet Tubman and her Underground Railroad. The Railroad not only freed thousands of slaves but also sparked the African American's long love affair with public transportation. Though she was a remarkable woman, Harriet wasn't the only one transporting slaves to freedom. Before the Railroad, there was Carl J. Shoewermin and his Underground Monorail: a 1000 mile subterranean passageway that provided slaves a speedy and comfortable route to liberation. Historically speaking, Shoewinmin's Monorail generally gets short shrift to Tubman's Railroad for two reasons: A) because the Monorail project wasn't completed until well after Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation and B) because much of the Monorail was built by slave labor.

George Jefferson, protagonist of the groundbreaking 1970s sitcom The Jeffersons was a distant relative of "Founding Father," Thomas Jefferson.

The first "yo momma" joke ever recorded was written by the well known abolitionist and statesman, Frederick Douglas. In a letter to his friend Gideon PItts, Jr., Douglas wrote:

My dear friend Gideon,

Yo momma so stupid... she does not comprehend that the religion of the South is a mere covering for the most horrid crimes - a justifier of the most appalling barbarity, a sanctifier of the most hateful frauds, and a dark shelter under which the darkest, foulest, grossest, and most infernal deeds of slaveholders find the strongest protection.

Ooh, snap!
Respectfully yrs,
F. Douglass


Important dates in Black History:

April 6, 1937: Birth of Billy Dee Williams.

July 17, 1942: The International Conspiracy of Jewish Bankers (ICJB) agree to undermine black communities thourgh sneaky Jewish Banking manipulations.

March 24, 1947: The Alliance of Korean Shop-owners (AKS) joins The Jews in their persecution of black communities.

August 12, 1955: "The Man" is born to his parents, John and Jane Man (nee Whitey)

January 4, 1981: The CIA tricks thousands of black people into smoking crack cocaine by convincing them that crack is a new kind of menthol cigarette.

March 13, 1984: Church's Fried Chicken introduces saltpeter into their chicken batter for the purpose of sterilizing black men. In response, Kentucky Fried Chicken pumps their Original Recipe batter full of hormones that triple the fertility of black women.

July 3, 2006: Rapper Lil Kim released from prison.

Posted by Joey at 07:39 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 16, 2006

What's the internet made of?

In the last 24 hours, many websites linked to this story: "Only 1% of Web is Porn". This is certainly a surprise, but it may lead you to wonder: What's the other 99%? Good question! I've done some research and put together this chart to illustrate the answer.

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Posted by Joey at 04:37 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 23, 2006

Fun Facts: Sussudio

Everyone loves Phil Collins! An artist whose career spans four decades, Phil has tried his hand at many different musical styles. Adult Pop, Fusion Jazz, Progressive Rock... Phil Collins has done it all. But, if you're like me, there's only one track that truly satisfies when you're craving that quintessential Phil sound.

"SOOOH SOOOH SOOODIO!"

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Phil Collins is the white James Brown.

The "Sussudio" single was released in 1985 to both critical and popular acclaim. Yet, most listeners are still a bit confused about the meaning of the song's lyrics. In the chorus, Collins sings "just say the word, su-su-sudio." Sussudio sure is a fun word to say, but what the hell does it mean? Many critics assume that it is an exotic girl's name. After all, Phil does spend much of the song referring to "this girl that's been on my mind". Could it be that this special lady happens to be named Sussudio?

No. Don't be ridiculous. Have you ever met a girl called Sussudio? For that matter, have you ever met a boy named Sussudio? Of course not. Obviously, it's not a person's name.

In reality, Sussudio refers to a place, not a person. Specifically, the word Sussudio is a sly reference to Stoudios, a monastery founded in the year 462. Located in Constantinople, this monastery was the home of Saint Theodore the Studite... a monastic ruler who was famous for letting his monks sprinkle nutmeg onto their pease pudding.

Though he doesn't talk about it during interviews, Phil Collins is known to be a man who enjoys the mild flavor of pease pudding. And there's nothing Mr. Collins loves more than sprinkling a bit of nutmeg on all that creamy pea goodness. Phil likes it hot. Phil likes it cold. And, yes, Phil even likes it in the pot, nine days old.

As it turns out, the "girl" Collins pines for in Sussudio is really just an elaborate metaphor for a revolting vegetable dish that even 8th century monks had to be bribed into eating.

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

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May 19, 2006

Fun Facts: When Doves Cry

In 1984, Prince released "When Doves Cry," one of the greatest pop songs of all time! The single sold over two million copies, and topped that year's prestigious Village Voice Pazz & Jop critics poll.

The lyrics to this tune are a bit cryptic. "Dream if u can a courtyard/An ocean of violets in bloom." No one really knows what that's about. However, the chorus to this song does have an interesting story behind it.

In the early 80's, the city of Minneapolis was inundated with pigeons. Filthy, disease ridden pigeons. At the time, Prince's studio was located downtown, where the pigeon problem was most severe. Every day, he was swarmed by these vermin -- one of the animals went so far as to defecate on the man's favorite purple blouse! After a few months of this, Prince swore revenge against the pigeon population of Minneapolis.

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On February 7, 1984, Prince's recording engineer Brian DuPree dropped by the studio early to fix a broken console. Upon entering, he was shocked to discover that the main drum tracking room had been transformed into (for want of a better term) a pigeon torture chamber. Prince had spent the night trapping dozens of the birds in cages, then subjecting them to a variety of unspeakable abuse: prodding with a sharp stick, electrocution, searing flame from an acetylene torch. Prince set up microphones and recorded the sounds of dying pigeons, telling DuPree that he was using the audio for a new song entitled "This is What Happens When U Shit on My Favorite Blouse (Die U Dirty Birds)." Allegedly, cocaine may have played a minor role in this incident.

Most hardcore fans prefer this early demo version, which was never released but has been widely bootlegged over the years. Always the perfectionist, Prince recorded many alternate versions of the track: "This is What it Sounds Like When I Torture Pigeons" turned into "The Sound of Pigeons Screaming" which became "When Pigeons Scream" which was eventually changed to "When Pigeons Cry". Though all of these permutations had a certain charm, Prince was never satisfied with the track. He was just like his mother that way.

It would be months before Prince experienced the creative breakthrough that facilitated the song's completion. This epiphany occured on a Tuesday night, when Prince was watching a PBS nature documentary about "Urban Wildlife". While viewing this program, Prince learned an astonishing fact: pigeons and doves are actually the exact same species. It's hard to believe: Doves are pure symbols of love while pigeons are revolting spreaders of filth. Yet they are very same animal. "There's got to be a metaphor in there somewhere," Prince probably thought as he rushed to the studio... where he banged out the vocal track for "When Doves Cry" in only one take! The rest is pop history.

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

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February 21, 2006

Fun (Olympic!) Facts: Luge

What's it called when little kids sleigh down a snowy mountain? It's called delightful childhood fun! What's it called when a grown man/woman squeezes their ass into a skintight bodysuit and sleighs down a treacherous ice-tunnel? It's called LUGE and it's more fun than slipping and falling in a icy parking lot. Allegedly.

Luge, commonly known as "The Sport of People Too Cheap to buy a Bobsled", requires quick reflexes, total body strength, and nerves of steel. HAHAHAHAHA... I'm kidding; no it doesn't. Remember, these guys are sliding supine down an ice tube on (what amounts to) a glorified cafeteria tray. You can't STEER a cafeteria tray - and anyone who tells you different is probably trying to sell you a really expensive cafeteria tray. Despite broadcasters' claims to the contrary, there is no actual skill involved in the "sport" of luge. Once a competitor hops on the sled, gravity does the rest.

So why do some luge racers succeed while others fail? It all comes down to aerodynamics. World class lugers must possess a body shape that minimizes aerodynamic drag - particularly in the CROTCHULAR region. Because they race feet-first, with legs shoulder length apart, all of the airflow collects between the racer's legs. In fact, extensive wind-tunnel testing has proven that a luger's crotch serves as a nexus of wind resistance (or, in layman's terms, a "drag-sack"). Male racers with a bulging or protruding crotch area will be at a disadvantage on the track (though perhaps they will gain an advantage during certain post-luge social activities).

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

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February 20, 2006

Fun (Olympic!) Facts: Curling

When I turn on MSNBC, I expect to see people in suits yelling at each other. It's called "news" and it's very popular amongst those who actually care what happens to people like you. However, if these news-lovers had tuned into MSNBC this week, they would have seen something totally different: people in uniforms yelling at a rock.

What is this crazy spectacle? It's called "curling", and its the most fun you can have on ice! Well, it's the most fun you can have on ice with brooms and, you know... rocks and shit.

Curling, invented in the 10th century, is commonly referred to as "The Sport of Kings". Specifically, ancient Arctic kings, such as Garbak the Frigid, who forced his slaves to play the sport totally nude (historians agree that Garbak was a total asshole). Though most contemporary Curling enthusiasts prefer to remain clothed, the rules haven't changed much over the centuries. The game is played by two teams of four on a 146 foot long strip of ice. The teams take turns throwing polished 44 pound stones toward a group of concentric rings located at either end of the playing surface. Novice spectators might assume that these rings serve as a target; a bulls-eye that awards points to teams that cast their stones closest to the center. Nothing could be further from the truth.

In reality, the rings serve not as a target, but as a visual aid that helps players place their stones in a mystical pattern - a pentagram, specifically. In curling, each team attempts to position their stones in the shape of a pentagram while disrupting the similar efforts of their opponents. When a team successfully forms a stone pentagram within the concentric circles, they will begin to utter an ancient chant. This, in turn, summons a demon that merrily devours the souls of the losing side.

Obviously, this explains why Canadians dominate the sport. Everyone knows that Canadians don't have souls.

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Posted by Joey at 03:44 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

January 19, 2006

Fun Facts: Of Proof and Pudding

Everyone has heard the expression "The Proof is in the Pudding". Most people will tell you that this expression is a shortened, nonsensical version of "The Proof of the Pudding is in the Tasting". Though this is a common misconception, these two idioms are actually unrelated. "The Proof of the Pudding is in the Tasting" dates back to around 1600, and it simply means that one cannot know how good something is until they have had an opportunity to test or experience it for themselves.

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However, "The Proof is in the Pudding" is actually a reference to a little known quirk of the French legal system in the early 19th century. At that time, the French courts demanded that all evidence be presented to the judge within a large cauldron of pudding. Historians disagree on the origin of this tradition. Some argue that it dates back to the middle ages, when witnesses were required to place their genitalia in a jelly of congealed goat blood during testimony. The purpose of this was to ensure the honesty of the witness (people in the middle ages were totally fucking CRAZY). Other historians believe that 19th century French judges just happened to be a bunch of fat, custard-gulping bastards.

Now you know. And Knowing is Half the Battle.

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November 24, 2005

Fun Facts: Demolition Derby

Everyone loves a good demolition derby... it's an American tradition! But did you know that our friends in Great Britain also enjoy watching cars smash each other into oblivion? However, in Britain, they don't call these exciting spectacles "demolition derbies". You see... for British people, a "derby" is actually a hat.

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For this reason, British people must reserve the term "demolition derby" for when it is necessary to refer to an extremely destructive hat (such as the evil, robotic fedora that nearly destroyed Manchester in 1973).

In Great Britain, demolition derbies are called "banger races". However, many European fans of the sport argue that this term is poorly chosen, and likely to cause confusion. You see, in England, sausages are often called "bangers", so one might hear the term "banger races" and imagine some event in which sausages are raced around a track! Of course, there is rich tradition of competitive sausage racing in Britain, but these events are called "faggot races". No, really... because, in Britain, a popular variety of sausages/meatballs are commonly referred to as "faggots". It is important to note that most sausage racing enthusiasts would prefer not to be called "faggot racers", for pretty obvious reasons.

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Not surprisingly, there can be major misunderstandings when British tourists bring their colorful sausage terminology to the United States. In fact, the US Tourism Board states that 304 British tourists became the victims of aggravated assault in 2004 while simply attempting to order breakfast at a Denny's or Cracker Barrel restaurant.

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Posted by Joey at 03:30 AM | Comments (0)

September 03, 2005

Fun Facts: Julius Caesar

Since HBO recently debuted their new original series, Rome, it's important that we all bone up on our ancient Roman history. Because, along with all that "gritty" violence and full frontal nudity, this series also contains - you know - historical content and crap.

Now, most people are already familiar with one character from the series: Julius Caesar, the infamous Roman general and dictator (played by Irish actor Ciaran Hinds). But few people know how the man got his name. Historians agree that Caesar was named by his mother, Aurelia, in honor of her favorite meal: the Caesar Salad. Perhaps knowing that he had been named after the so called "king of salads" was what precipitated his unquenchable thirst for power! Or maybe he was just born an asshole.

Regarding Caesar's first name, Julius, there is some disagreement among classicists. Some believe that this name was selected in honor of Caesar's father, who was also named Julius. However, recent scholarship suggests that the name was actually inspired by Aurelia's favorite Roman beverage stand, Orange Julius.

Interestingly, Caesar continued this naming tradition with his own progeny. His first child, Little Caesar, was named after the (revolting) pizza chain. However, Caesar's daughter, Pizza Hut, was not named after the (even more revolting) restaurant. Rather, she was named after a character from Caesar's favorite movie, Spaceballs. Of course, the character "Pizza the Hut" (voiced by Tony award winner Dom DeLuise), was named after the restaurant chain.

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Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Posted by Joey at 01:02 AM | Comments (1)

August 10, 2005

Fun Facts: Robert Palmer

Most people enjoy Robert Palmer's classic rock hit, Addicted to Love. But most people don't know that the song was originally titled "Addicted to Crystal Meth". Catchy, yes... but the record label thought it was too controversial to get radio airplay. Palmer went back to the studio to revise the lyrics, but the resulting track "Addicted to Child Pornography" drew similar criticism from Island Records executives. Palmer's second rewrite of the song, "Addicted to Love (The Love of Young Boys)" was more palatable to the label, once they removed all references to man-boy love and surrounded Palmer with creepy clone chicks.

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Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

Posted by Joey at 01:39 AM | Comments (1)