April 14, 2008

Ebay Customer Service Moment

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Posted by Joey at 11:40 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

May 11, 2007

OJ Friendly Dining Establishments

OJ Simpson is a celebrity. Of sorts. And, as a general rule, celebrities get into ALL the finest restaurants. Spago, The French Laundry, The Olive Garden.

So boy was I surprised when I heard that the Juiceman was denied service at a classy Louisville Restaurant called Jeff Ruby's Steakhouse. HOW DO YOU DENY FOOD TO A FAMOUS PERSON? But then I remembered -- the restaurant in question was a steakhouse. And what do you get at a steakhouse?

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Yes. Obviously, dumbass. What's the OTHER thing you get at a steakhouse? Steak-KNIVES. And that's a problem. See, when OJ and knives get together... bad things tend to happen. Allegedly. So you really can't blame a steakhouse for telling OJ to scram. It's a very reasonable safety precaution.

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Now, now, OJ... don't get your blood-stained gloves up in a twist. There are plenty of great restaurants that should be happy to serve you. Here are a few suggestions.

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Tommy J's House o' Noodles (San Francisco): This upscale ramen joint is famous for its delicious noodle soup dishes. Though the noodles are thick and delightfully "al dente" they are probably NOT thick enough to strangle someone with. So no worries there. Plus, patrons are generally provided chop sticks with their meals. These humble utensils are ideal for noodle-slurping, but are virtually useless as a stabbing weapon. I suppose if you jammed a chopstick through a person's throat, it would probably kill them. But the same could be said for any throat-puncturing object. Therefore, I'm certain that owner and executive chef Tommy J. would Mr. Simpson to his establishment with open arms. Just so long as he's cool with serving brutal murderers.

Cafe Kasbah (Boston): Offering an intriguing menu of Moroccan-fusion cuisine, OJ is in for an exciting dining experience. And the best part? Moroccan food is traditionally eaten with your fingers! No knives, no forks -- just fingers. Even OJ can't kill someone with his fingers. Though I once read that ninjas know seven different ways of killing a man with just their pinky finger. But I'm pretty sure OJ Simpson is NOT a ninja. So he should be OK.

Los Asesinos Biker Bar (Tijuana): This Mexican dive bar has been the site of 33 homicides over the last 10 years, as well as 86 gun and knife related woundings. Those numbers really speak to me. You know what they say? "OJ WELCOME!" Life is cheap at Los Asesinos, and we've already seen how frugal OJ is when it comes to the lives of other people. Like the fictitious bar "Cheers," this is a place where everybody knows your name. Fortunately, they all tend to FORGET your name when the Federales come around, asking how those corpses ended up in the dumpster out back.

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With such great dining options available, OJ Simpson need not worry about being thrown out of respectable restaurants. This is America. And in America we don't care if you're black, white, or an unrepentant murderer. Just so long as you're not liberal or gay.

Posted by Joey at 04:47 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

January 18, 2007

Generic Blog Post

["Breaking news" about freckly redhead actress entering rehab. Bad jokes about alcohol and cocaine abuse, reference to actress as "firecrotch" and link to months-old photo of actress's exposed vagina in limousine.]

[Whining about how I feel fat after the holidays. Gushing about how awesome my friends are. Confessing on how I like to cut myself sometimes. Desperate cries for attention, begging readers to "friend me" on social networking site.]

[Embedded Youtube video of former pop singer/American Idol judge slurring her speech and acting intoxicated on a morning news show. Comment about how obvious it is she is drunk, quote from publicist contending that she wasn't. Assorted cheap shots about her looks, her weight, her co-hosts and the cartoon cat she used to perform with.]

[Apology about how I haven't posted in a while, excuses about being busy, not having internet access, etc.]

[Achingly earnest reaction to ABC Medical Drama actor who allegedly called gay actor on his show a distasteful slur. Call for offending actor to be fired, link to corresponding internet petition.]

[Very brief, insubstantial post designed to fill time in between legitimate updates.]

Posted by Joey at 06:35 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 19, 2006

Joey Headset Gift Guide: Strickly 4 da Ladeez

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This installment of our gift guide goes out to all the fellas, trying to do what those ladies tell us. Specifically, they tell us to buy them shit. CONSTANTLY. Look at your calendar and you'll see dozens of occasions that mandate buying gifts for your Significant Other. There are birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, Sorry I Slept with your Sister Day... and of course, there's Christmas. If you fail to get her something nice for December 25th, you'll be spending New Year's Eve drinking alone and playing with your Wii (appalling pun INTENDED). Don't let this happen to you! Please consult this selection of gifts that are perfect for that special bitch or ho in your life.

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You've probably seen the TV commercials for Pajamagrams. What a great idea! Get some sexy PJs for your girl, and maybe she'll be willing to take them off for you (or, if not for you, perhaps for some other guy she met on the internet). Of course, there is the matter of what SIZE pajamas you order. Do you know what size your girl wears? You could always ask her... but if she's like most women, she will lie. Shamelessly. If you buy her the size she tells you she wears, it will be too small for her. When she can't fit in them, she'll be ashamed and angry and she'll take it out on YOU. If you buy her a LARGER size which actually FITS her, she'll be ashamed and angry because she'll think you think she's fat. Again, she'll take it out on you. Finally, if you make the mistake of ordering something TOO BIG for her... well, then your just TOTALLY fucked. Come to think of it... this pajamagram thing is a terrible, terrible idea.

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So what do women like other than clothes? Well... from what I can tell, they like soaps. Tiny, expensive little bars of soap. (Man, girls are fucking RETARDED). But what if you're dating a religious girl? Maybe she's a card carrying evangelical you're looking to defile and then kick to the curb. Well, if fundamentalist Christians care about ANYTHING, they care about fetuses. (Or is it Feti?) Unborn babies occupy a special place in your average conservative lady's heart. She cares about embryos more than she cares about reproductive freedom, social stability -- even more than she cares about actual, living, already-born babies. Especially if those babies belong to poor, dark-skinned people in other countries. For a girl like this, the ideal gift must not only satisfy her irrational obsession with the unborn, but also her irrational love of tiny bars of soap. Don't worry, I've got just the thing:

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The fine folks at fetosoap.com are offering clear glycerine soaps with an ADORABLE little fetus cold chillin' on the inside! I'm not sure if the fetus inside this soap is real or just a plastic simulacrum... but either way, it's a gift that's certain to earn you the favor of your religious girlfriend.

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Lots of women get tattoos. They think tattoos make them look HOTT -- and they're right! But what happens when a women gets a new job where visible ink won't be tolerated? Clearly this girl needs her very own Tattoo Removal System. Fortunately, Black and Decker makes just such a device.

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Sure, she may have a hard time explaining to coworkers how all the skin on her left shoulder got shredded off, but it will probably be easier than explaining why she has a tattoo of the Taco Bell dog humping the Ukranian flag. Plus, when your girl isn't using it, you can use this Tattoo Removal Device to sand down some of your woodworking projects.

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Women love to look pretty -- even women who are addicted to crystal meth. Since meth tends to cause a gal's teeth to fall out, your drug-freak girlfriend is always looking for a way to beautify her busted choppers. Introducing Paul Wall's new line of budget Grillz, Ballin' on a Budget. This is exactly what your girl needs to make her mouth look all PURDY.

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Just make sure she REMOVES her jewel encrusted mouthpiece before... well, you know what I'm talking about here. You don't want your JUNK getting tangled up in that mess.

Posted by Joey at 09:39 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 15, 2006

Joey Headset Gift Guide: Just 4 Kidz

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Christmas, just like Wu-Tang, is for The Children. The snotty, foul-smelling, best-argument-for-keeping-abortion-legal Children. And during the holidays, evernyone knows that youth must be served. Just ask Mark Foley, a Florida Republican who spent much of his congressional career serving youth. Or attempting to, at any rate.

Since the magic of the holidays is so geared toward the youngsters, we're kicking off the Joey Headset Gift Guide with a special selection of gifts Just 4 Kidz.

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The **IT** gift for toddlers this year Fisher-Price's Elmo T.M.X. This next-gen version of Tickle-Me-Elmo is pretty cool, but not as cool as Elmo THX 1138: a visionary collaboration between George Lucas and the Children's Television Workshop. Any toddler who is fond of dystopian sci-fi cinema will LOVE this toy. Take a look at Elmo THX 1138 in action:

Posted by Joey at 10:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

December 14, 2006

The Joey Headset Gift Guide - Introduction

Some people say Jesus is the "Reason for the Season". That's great. But last time I checked, Jesus hadn't BOUGHT me anything. Not even a gift certificate for the Olive Garden! And for yours truly, the True Meaning of Christmas is people buying stuff. For me.

Of course, there is a DARK side to Christmas -- and I'm not talking about Slasher, The Most Murderous Reindeer. The dark side of the holidays is that you have to buy stuff for other people. Otherwise they stop buying you stuff, which is total bullshit. It's bad enough that you have to spend your money on people who aren't you, but you also have to figure out what other people might want to receive. This can be very difficult, especially when you don't really care about or listen to other people. It's always tempting to keep things simple and give all your friends and loved ones gift certificates to the Olive Garden. But remember: some people have been BANNED from the Olive Garden due to various incidents of public nudity and breadstick related violence. Or maybe that's just me.

Look, the point is that a good gift should come from the heart. And by the heart, I mean the internet! That's why I'm using my little chunk of the net to recommend delightful gifts that will provide endless joy to everyone you know! In days to come, I'll be profiling all the HOTT gifts of this holiday season, plus some unusual items that no one on your gift list will expect. Just like nobody expects to pass a kidney stone.

Stay tuned!

Posted by Joey at 04:41 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

October 13, 2006

ROCKIN VW Promotion

I need a car.

Actually, I already have a car, but it no longer meets my needs. You see, any car I drive has to look COOL and have plenty of room for BITCHES. Also, it would be a plus if the car actually STARTED when I turn the key, rather than making a harsh grinding sound... as my current vehicle often does.

When shopping for a new ride, one must consider many different factors: price, gas mileage, reliability, crash ratings. These are all important features -- but fuck all that, I'm buying the car that comes with the coolest promotional gift.

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If I buy a Volkswagen Rabbit, Beetle or Jetta right now, I get a free electric guitar! And I can plug it into my car stereo!!! I am an avid Air Guitarist, and I've been waiting for an opportunity to transition my skills into Real Guitar. Plus, I've been looking for something entertaining to do while I drive... though I wonder how I'm going to talk on my cell phone, eat a burrito AND play guitar at the same time. Oh, and I guess I'll also need to steer the car... unless I can get one of those GPS systems that steers the car automatically. Those do exist, right?

But, I shouldn't be too hasty here. Though Volkswagen's guitar promotion is tempting, there are some other appealing promotions out there: Toyota is offering a free pair of Birkenstocks to every dirty, smelly hippy who buys one of their hybrid Prius vehicles. That's a sweet deal! Also, Chevrolet is offering a free mullet to anyone who test drives a 2007 Camaro. Stylish!

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Finally, if you purchase a new Hummer H3, you will receive a complimentary dildo from the Hummer Corporation. This may be the best deal of all -- now everyone who drives a Hummer can go fuck themselves! Of course, I've been encouraging them to do this for years...

Posted by Joey at 04:14 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 31, 2006

My Personal Makeover: Pants

When you think of Joey Headset, I know what you're thinking: Suave, Debonair Man About Town. Dressed to Kill. The Fellas want to be him, the Ladies want to be with him. (Some of the Fellas also want to be with him, and Joey thinks that's cool, though he's not really to that sort of thing.) Yeah... most people think that Joey Headset lives a glamourous life on the bleeding edge of current fashion trends.

It's all a lie.

Let me be totally honest (for once). I've got NO STYLE. If you saw me in real life, you wouldn't think that the T-Shirt/Jeans wearing individual before you was the same person who brings you the HILARIOUS internet-web-humor you've come to expect from JH.com.

If this was Reality TV, I wouldn't need to DO anything about my style deficiency. All of my concerns would be resolved when a cluster of gay dudes ambushed me in my apartment. They would make fun of my haircut, make crude comments about my crotch... then they'd send me to an elite salon and buy me a brand new wardrobe. Sadly, this is NOT Reality TV. It's just Reality... and in Reality, no one's going to show up and magically make me look COOL. If I'm going to experience a Style Makeover, I'm going to have to do it myself.

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But where to begin? There's really no aspect of my personal appearance that couldn't use some work. For instance, my wardrobe hasn't been updated in... well, in FOREVER. I just can't get up for clothes shoping... if I could, I'd just walk around BUCK NAKED like they do on those National Geographic specials. However, the Government and their Stupid Laws would have me wear clothes every single time I leave the house. Total bullshit. And it's not just the Government. Many retail outlets enforce a "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" policy. If you think that's bad, you should know that this policy is even more restrictive than it seems. As stated, you would think that a gentleman wearing nothing but a pair of Doc Martens and a "Frankie Says Relax" T-shirt would be allowed to buy beer at 7-11. It turns out that in addition to shirt and shoes, those bastards also demand that you wear PANTS!

For me, this is a problem. Looking though my closet, it seems I only own two actual pairs of pants. If you count my hockey pads, that makes three, but I find that wearing hockey pads in public encourages strangers to kick me in the crotch. I probably deserve this crotch kicking, but I'd still prefer to avoid it.

Obviously, my first step in this Personal Makeover project is to buy some new pants. It's been awhile since the last time I went shopping for trousers though... I wonder if anything has changed. They still have two legs and zippers and sometimes pockets, right? Are there any new and innovative developments in pants technology that I should know about? I assume that nanotechnology is somehow involved now. Probably there are pants that are actually made up of millions of tiny robots. It sounds pretty cool, but I'm not sure I want robots so close to my junk. We've all seen Robocop and know what can happen when a robot gets pissed off.

Since I'm not willing to trust my genitals to robotic slacks, I should probably seek out more traditional ass-wear. I've read some men's fashion magazines and I have a vague idea what people are wearing this searson. I could easily go to the mall and buy some of those same pants. But by the time I got around to wearing them, they will have fallen out of fashion. Anyway, it seems like all the most fashionable trouser styles have a strong retro influence. Everything people wear today was inspired by the pants people were wearing back in the day. Really the only way to go is to find a style of pants that were once popular, but have not yet experienced a nostalgia-fueled resurgence. If I can predict the next retro pants trend, I can finally cover my naughty bits in STYLE.

One popular trouser variant that's poised to make a comeback is Parachute Pants. Popular in the early 90s, MC Hammer was famous for wearing these shiny and voluminous breeches.

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Good call, MC Hammer! I've always wanted to wear huge and luminous pants. Now I have an excuse! When MC Hammer makes his own triumphant comeback, Parachute Pants are certain to grace the asses of fashionistas 'rould the world. When this happens (any day now) I'll be ready.

Other likely targets for future retro-resurgance are Acid Washed Jeans, Bellbottoms and Pantaloons. After an all-night ebay session, I will soon be equipped with a closet full of ALL of these. If fashion trends go the way I've predicted, people will soon be staring admiringly at my ass. You know, rather than just calling me one.

Posted by Joey at 03:03 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 22, 2006

Random Thoughts

Sometimes my mind fills up with random and useless thoughts. Rather than ignoring these thoughts, like normal people do, I post my random thoughts on the internet. You know, for your enjoyment (or whatever).

On a TV talk show, when a guest begins an anecdote by saying "You know, it's funny...", rest assured: it's not.

I wonder what Kato Kaelin is doing RIGHT NOW.

Memo to Taking Back Sunday: If we just give you Sunday back, will you STOP MAKING MUSIC?

Whether she's skinny or fat, I still don't like Kirstie Alley.

Ditto for Renee Zellweger.

I miss guitar solos.

I think the most humiliating job in America belongs to Gary Anthony Williams: the only black cast member of Blue Collar TV.

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America's Got Talent? Evidently not.

NFL Europe would be better if they had European soccer presenters calling the game. "The kick is up... and it's a FIELD GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLL!"

I don't care what anyone says, Kevin Federline is a talented rapper.

If you like Erykah Badu (but think she's too beautiful and talented) you'll LOVE India Arie!

Ellen DeGeneres is to dancing what Stephen Hawking is to singing.

Lindsay Lohan is to singing what Lindsay Lohan is to acting.

No, I don't Think I Can Dance. I don't think you lot can dance either.

Attn. Matt Stone and Trey Parker: I actually don't need you to tell me what cartoons are or aren't funny. For instance, no one needed to tell me that South Park hasn't been funny since the first season.

The internet has rendered softcore pornography obsolete.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Billy Ocean is the thinking man's Lionel Richie.

Posted by Joey at 01:04 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

August 18, 2006

My SPAM Portfolio: UPDATE

On Monday, I invested $2,500 in the stock market. The three stocks I purchased were recommended by a group of financial insiders who emailed me with (unsolicited) stock tips over the weekend. Now that trading has suspended for the week, let's see how my portfolio is doing!

For $500 dollars, I picked up 1851 shares of CDPN.PK, the China Datacom Corporation. Apparently, the 9 year olds working in Beijing's infamous "data sweatshops" worked EXTRA hard this week: the stock increased by 48%, from .27 to .40 per share. My $500 dollar investment is now worth $740. So far, so good!

Based on some hot tips from total strangers, I put $1000 into AGAO.OB, AGA Resources. I don't know what an AGA Resource is, but I know their stock price has increased. I got in at $1.94 and sold my shares at $2.00. Only a small profit of $30, but still a positive result.

Finally, there's KMA Global Solutions. I was pretty high on this stock, based not only on some emphatic email tips but also on my love of solutions and things that are global. However, the stock did not perform as well as I had hoped. Not even close. In fact, I think I may have been duped, tricked, deceived... pretty much fucked over in every conceivable way. Here, take a look at stock's performance over the last 5 days:

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I bought 800 shares of KMAG.PK at $1.25 per share. When I sold it, it was only worth $0.65. I lost $480, nearly half my investment. I might have gotten more value out of this stock by holding on to it and using the stock certificates as toilet paper. From now on, I'm investing my money in PROBLEMS, not solutions.

Overall, my $2,500 investment depreciated to $2,290. Maybe I shouldn't get my stock tips from emails with subject lines like "BACON CONCEIVED" and "POTENCY ACCIDENT". On the other hand, I just got an email from this Nigerian PRINCE who needs an American citizen to help him transfer $10,000,000 out of Africa. If I give him my savings account numbers (HRF552838-T488) and Social Security Number (248-55-4891) he's going to let me keep 5%. Hot damn, that must be at least $5,000! Someone's springing for dessert at the Olive Garden tonight!

Posted by Joey at 07:10 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 14, 2006

My SPAM Portfolio

For a while now, I've been planning to overhaul my personal investment strategy. Currently, most of my income gets invested in a diversified portfolio of beer and various snack-food products. This strategy hasn't yielded the sort of returns I was hoping for. I work hard for my money (let's pretend that's true for the sake of argument). Shouldn't my money work hard for me? You bet it should!

I figure the best way to get my money off its (metaphorically) fat, lazy ass is to invest it in the stock market. But that's SO COMPLICATED! There must be DOZENS of stocks out there, and I don't know much about any of them. I'm not that interested in learning, either. A while back, I heard good things about a company called Enron, but I can't even find them listed on the NYSE. Clearly, if I'm going to make this investing thing work for me, I'm going to need some expert advice.

Fortunately, I've got a secret weapon. Over the weekend, I started receiving email from an EXCLUSIVE Insider Stock Tips mailing list. I don't know how this happened! I certainly never subscribed to this service. Maybe they got my address from the V!agra vendors or the people selling RolAx W@tches -- I get a lot of email from them too. It really doesn't matter how I got connected to this network of financial insiders... now that I'm getting these primo stock tips, I'm going to ride this wave all the way to FISCAL DOMINANCE.

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I've cashed in an old savings bond, sold my collection of vintage canadian bottle openers and borrowed some money from this guy down at the pool hall. Now that I've got some "investment capital", I'm ready to Get My Stocks On! Over the weekend I received a number of quality stock tips. One of them was from someone named Alvaro Thornton, who is very enthusiastic about a company called KMA Global Solutions. If you know me, you know I'm a big fan of solutions. Especially GLOBAL solutions. The stock sounds good already! As if I needed extra convincing, Mr. Thornton stated thusly: "KMAG has dropped a number of forward moving news releases over the last few months. This one is getting ready to go places. The price is low and primed to buy. Keep an eye on this one and get on it first thing Monday morning." That's all I needed to hear! I called my broker Jaco (he's also my bookie) and told him to put $1,000 into KMAG.PK. Getting in at $1.25, I now own 800 shares. Kick ass!

Next up is a stock that EVERYBODY is talking about: AGAO.OB. In the last 48 hours I've received countless emails from Rebecca Gomez, Frederic Soto, Arthur Moon, Mathilda Sharp and others -- all telling me to jump on this stock. Now... I don't know who any of these people are. I'm not even sure that these are "real people". But whoever they may or may not be, they all agree that AGA Resources is primed for a "second wave" of returns. I told Jaco to pick up $1,000 worth of this stock at 1.94, so now my portfolio includes 515 shares.

Finally, I got an email from Eliseo C. Palmer, who sent me an URGENT "Trading Alert" for CDPN.PK. That's the China Datacom Corporation. Eliseo promises this stock is "ready to explode", and that's good enough for me. Plus, the stock is really cheap! Trading at $0.27 per share, I got Jaco to get me 1851 shares for only $500. I feel like such a BIG SHOT now, I'm probably going to spend the rest of the day drinking scotch and watching CNBC!

I realize that some people do "research" and take the advice of a "licensed money manager", but I'm confident that unsolicited email stock tips are just as good. Maybe even better! I'll be tracking these stocks throughout the week. On Friday, I'll report back and let you know how RICH I am.

UPDATE: Follow THIS LINK to see how my portfolio fared!

Posted by Joey at 05:13 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

August 07, 2006

joeyheadset.CM

Longtime readers of Joey Headset may have recently noticed a decrease in posting-frequency on the site. I've noticed this too! Throughout the day, I fire up my web browser to see if I've posted any exciting new material... and I'm frequently disappointed!

However, today when I typed "www.joeyheadset.com" into my browser window, I was shocked to discover that my site now looked like this:

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WTF? Had I, in the midst of some drunken stupor, replaced my humor site with a 4th rate search index? It does sound like the sort of thing I might do... but in this case, I'm off the hook. It turns out that I had mistyped my own URL. Rather than typing "joeyheadset.com" I typed "joeyheadset.cm". An embarrassing error, but NOT MY FAULT. The *o* key on my keyboard has been gummed up for weeks, probably due to some combination of dirt, barbecue sauce and Cherry Coke residue. OK, I guess that part sort of is my fault.

Anyway, this rogue .cm version of my site is an example of Typo Squatting. This is where shady individuals register a domain name that is one letter off from a popular site, hoping to catch some traffic when users mistype the address. The key phrase here is "popular site". It makes no sense to typo-squat a site that no one links, visits or cares about in any way. This leads me to wonder: what sort of pathetic, low-self-esteem squatter would bother doing this to my site? After doing a bit of research, I learned that all of the .cm domains are controlled by the African nation of Cameroon.

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Had I done something to TOTALLY piss off someone in Cameroon, such that they would squat my domain simply out of spite? Again, it does sound like the sort of thing I might do... but again, I'm off the hook.

It seems that Cameroonian net-jackers are now squatting EVERY SINGLE .com domain in existence -- not just mine. Google.cm, yahoo.cm, filthyasianwhores.cm: they all lead to the same page (the same one pictured above).

So, it turns out that no one has singled out my site for squatting. It's a little disappointing, really. Perhaps if I start posting more, I too can gain the sort of following that would merit unethical efforts to steal my web-traffic. Until then, I would encourage those of you who already read this site to be VERY CAREFUL when you type my domain into your browser. If your typing skills lack precision, perhaps you should use a "bookmark" or avail yourself of my convenient "RSS Feed".

Unless, of course, you actually prefer the .cm version of Joey Headset. I've closely compared the two sites and even *I* can't decide which one I like best.

Posted by Joey at 11:31 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

June 11, 2006

And the TONY Award Goes To...

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Posted by Joey at 11:44 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

May 21, 2006

Your Sunday Puzzle

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ACROSS

1 Sex enjoyed by prisoners (and boybands)
4 Talentless fuckwit "Daly"
5 Talentless fuck (no wit) "Paris"
7 What VH1 and MTV broadcast 24/7
10 What you can go and do to yourself if you don't like this puzzle
12 Porn and some other stuff
15 Not funny (abbreviated)
16 Where boring people post their stupid opinions

DOWN

2 Good place to solicit teenage sex (and check out bands or whatever)
3 Everything you think, eg.
5 Talentless fuckwit "Joey"
6 Talentless fuckwit "Lindsay"
8 Life
9 Bands you haven't heard of, reviewed by people you can't stand
11 Like the band U2, but even boringer.
13 Explains popularity of NASCAR
14 People who watch Gilmore Girls

Posted by Joey at 02:39 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

March 31, 2006

I *AM* the man now. Dog.

For a while now, I've been an admirer of You the Man Now Dog. Back in the day, it took time and effort to create something really annoying on the internet. Thanks to the fine folks at YTMND, anyone can unleash a stunningly irritating web meme on the web browsing public... and it only takes a few minutes.

Tonight, I created my very own YTMND site: http://goldenpuke.ytmnd.com/. I would tell you to "enjoy!"... but that would be rather like telling you to enjoy getting punched in the crotch. However, if you DO enjoy getting punched in the crotch, you may also like the site linked above.

Posted by Joey at 02:54 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 14, 2006

RIP Peter Tamarkin

Peter Tamarkin, host of the classic game show Press Your Luck, died Monday in a tragic plane accident.

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Posted by Joey at 04:39 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

March 10, 2006

Random Crap Roundup

Local TV news is only good at two things: Covering local weather and presenting stories about awful things happening to people who live near you. If there's a Winter Storm Watch in effect, or if your neighbor just shot your other neighbor in the face - local news is there for you! But what happens when these two core elements of local news combine (like Voltron)? What happens when one story incorporates both local weather and horrific tragedies inflicted upon people in your area? As it turns out, what you end up with is a story about a local man overdosing on heroin, then losing his job.

Oh, did I mention... that local man just happens to be the weather guy at my local NBC affiliate!!! Local news just can't any better than this. You can even watch a video of this drug abusing weatherman being interviewed by his former co-workers. Oooh... the humiliation! Adding extra pizzazz to an already zesty story, one week after the overdose, another weatherman at the same TV station admitted that he was ALSO addicted to heroin.

TV News is fun.

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If you can't get enough of American Idol, you're a complete fucking idiot. Fortunately for you, the FOX Reality Channel is all about servicing the needs of complete fucking idiots. FOX Reality's new program, "American Idol Extra" will incorporate special backstage footage, as well as...

I'm sorry, just trying to finish that sentence bored me to the point where I wanted to die.

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Also in the news: web site operator Joey Headset has failed in his attempt to find something genuinely interesting to write about on a Thursday night. When asked for comment, Headset stated: "Yeah... I'm just drawing a blank here. I got nothin. I even resorted to browsing the Yahoo! News entertainment headlines - still couldn't find anything." When asked how he could struggle doing his daily update while other "Bloggers" update several times a day, Headset was quoted as saying: "FUCK YOU. I'm trying to write full length comedy pieces! Everyone else just links to each other's stupid posts. The Blog-O-Sphere is one ginormous circle jerk, and I'm the one dude stuck in the middle, jerking all by myself! Uh... crap. You know, I'm not really happy with the way that came out - can you just forget I said anything? Please don't quote me on that."

Posted by Joey at 03:16 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 18, 2006

Which Golden Girl are YOU?

People on the internet love to take personality tests. I think it is because most of them don't actually have a personality, so they rely upon these tests to assign them one. Anyway... for your amusement (well, mostly for MY amusement) I created a very special personality test:

Which Golden Girl are YOU?

In case you were wondering, here's my result:

You are... DOROTHY!
You are... DOROTHY!

Posted by Joey at 01:59 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 14, 2006

Happy fucking Valentines Day

It's Valentine's Day, and I've got nothing to show for it. No cards, no chocolates, not even one of those anonymous "I've got an S.T.D, you should get checked" emails. Attention Saint Valentinus: FUCK YOU.

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At least I can always count on my old friends in the SPAM community to give me some love on this, the most romantic of days. Here is a collection of the most ROMANTIC Valentine's Day Spam I've received today.

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Subject: Fucking St. Valentine

What are you to do if you have bad erection? Especially
in the forthcoming Saint Valentines Day???
Don t worry, it is not the last of pea-time...
The most simple way is to visit our site, order the
medication and that is all you are to do!

Do not kill the clock!

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Subject: If you have always dreamed of being called a sex machine

Are you tired of your friend bragging about having wonderful sex every night?
You can get the same with our Viagra Soft Tabs.
Are you ready for the new, extremely pleasant and irresistible adventures in bed?
Do you want to lose your head and wake up drowning in the ocean of your own sperm?
Then Soft Viagra tabs are just for you.
Make her scream like never before.

----------------

Subject: Feel the fire with Viagra Pro.

You want erection of your dick - Viagra Pro will make it quick.
You dream of rivers of sperm, of penis enormous and firm,
just listen to your inner voice Viagra Pro should be your choice.

----------------

Subject: Cuming like a giant is trendy; Spermamax can help you with it.

Spermamax is premium combination of herbs,
vitamins and minerals that can improve not
only your sperm but also your life.
To achieve something in your life, you need to have a child. If you have any problems with reproduction, Spermamax can help you.
Spermamax will make your sperm restless.

----------------

Subject: Do you want to see the fountain of sperm?

Hello!
My name is Erectile Dysfunction.
I have a lot of friends such us: bad sex, awful mood, dissatisfied wife, short erections and spoiled condoms.
But I do have one enemy - its name is Soft Cialis Tabs.
When they appear, I disappear.

Cialis Soft Tabs. Masculinity and man power.

----------------

Subject: For your wife's last b-day you gave her a vibrator because of your hopeless Erectile Dysfunction.

Your neighbors lost their alarm-clock?
Don't worry, the sounds of your satisfaction from having sex with our new Soft Cialis Tabs
will make them wake up every morning or even have sleepless nights if you enlarge your dose.

----------------

Aw... thanks SPAMMERS. You always know how to brighten my day!

Posted by Joey at 05:33 PM

January 26, 2006

Technorati wants PROOF

Proof of my identrifrication. With any luck, this post will disappear very shortly. In the meantime, please enjoy my brand new Technorati Profile.

Posted by Joey at 05:45 PM | Comments (0)

October 10, 2005

Random Crap Roundup

What is less essential to contemporary culture than the music of the Pet Shop Boys?

The music of two Swedish girls performing the songs of the Pet Shop Boys! The West End Girls (ugh) features a brunette who sings in an amusing accent and a blonde who stands quietly behind the brunette. Both of them wear hard hats, either in homage to some ancient PSB schtick, or to protect themselves from some unspecified debris that threatens the tender noggins of scandinavian pop singers. (Discovered via the excellent Pop Justice website)

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If you are a total dick, you can drive around in a Hummer. If you are a total dick with a large quantity of disposable income, you can be driven around in a Hummer Limousine.

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This luxurious vehicle combines the gas-guzzling power of a Hummer H2 with the fuel-devouring comfort of a deluxe limo. "The Hummer Limousine: It's Not an S.U.V. It's an F-YOU-V!"

In unrelated automotive news, This guy loves his Subaru. He really, really loves his Subaru. (NSFW - unless you work for a Subaru dealership. And even then, probably not.)

Posted by Joey at 03:42 AM | Comments (0)

August 16, 2005

Random TV episode synopsis of the week:

Kill Reality
ETV Aug 15 10:00pm
Series/Reality, 60 Mins.
Episode 104
A reality star's medical problems affect the shoot; a gay actor must perform a heterosexual love scene; two characters are burned to death.

(sadly, no "reality stars" were actually burned to death in this episode)

Posted by Joey at 01:32 AM | Comments (0)