August 02, 2007

Keeping Them Straight

I don't usually watch the news. TV News is mostly geared toward the sort of people who care about things that have happened. And that's not me. I don't care what has happened and I'm not particularly concerned about the things that may happen in the future. I'll leave these matters to historians and psychics, respectively.

However, The News has become a lot more appealing in recent months. Mostly because they've switched from dull politics coverage to AWESOME full time coverage of the three most important people in America: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Lindsey Lohan.

These three young women are the epitome of what they call "Young Hollywood". Old Hollywood was all about beautiful people who could act, sing and dance. BORING. Young Hollywood is all about stupid, ugly, talentless bitches who get fucked up on drugs, flash their revolting genitalia for photographers and then smash their cars into random shit.

The only trouble with Hilton, Richie and Lohan: it's so hard to keep them straight. By "keep them straight" I don't mean keeping them sober. There isn't a rehab facility in the country that can keep these bitches from inhaling their own weight in Colombian Nose Candy every week. No, when I say it's hard to keep them straight, I mean it's difficult to distinguish between them. One coked out celebutante with a drug problem and a suspended license is very much like another. For this reason I've created a special chart that will help me (and YOU!) tell these young ladies apart.

Distinguishing Characteristic Paris Hilton Lindsey Lohan Nicole Richie
claims to be an actress
*
*
*
has taken acting classes
put out pop record
*
*
*
pop record ignored by audiences
*
*
*
has been arrested
*
*
*
has been incarcerated
*
will be incarcerated
*
*
daddy owns hotels
*
daddy did jailtime
*
daddy danced on the ceiling
*
physically repulsive
*
*
personally repulsive
*
*
*
well versed in post-structuralst theory
completed college
attended college
*
completed high school
*
*
Convicted of DUI
*
*
*
gone through rehab
*
*
*
convited of DUI post-rehab
*
*
*
vagina exposed in photos
*
*
has redeeming qualities
stupid
*
*
*
boring
*
*
*
worthless
*
*
*
coke whore
*
*
*
distraction from crumbling democracy
*
*
*
will die in pool of own vomit
*
*
*

Posted by Joey at 05:53 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 30, 2006

Easy Target: Josh Hartnett

Josh Hartnett's career isn't just hot... it's HOT HOT HOT!!! This heartthrob has hosted Saturday Night Live, starred alongside Harrison Ford in Hollywood Homicide, and you'll soon see him lighting up cinemas in the titular role of Lucky Number Slevin. Though critics have described Hartnett's on-screen performances as "stiff" and "wooden", they would certainly sing a different tune if they knew how the young actor got into The Biz.

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Josh started his career as a plank of one-inch thick mahogany, cut from the dense forests of Honduras. Even then, industry experts knew he was something special: he was selected as one of Timber Harvesting magazine's "Hot Young Commercial Timber Planks to Watch in '96"! Just as the young slab of wood was about to start his career as part of a lovely dining room table, his career took a dramatically unexpected turn!

On a warm September night in 1997, famous acting coach Spence Davis broke into a lumber yard, attempting to stash the body of a male prostitute who had ODed while servicing him in a nearby parking lot. After dumping the corpse in a pile of sawdust, Spence boasted to his assistant/accomplice that he could turn anyone into an actor. "Fuck, I could make a star out of an inanimate object!", said the coked-up acting teacher. At that very moment, Spence met Josh for the first time, literally tripping over him as he fled the lumber yard. Thus begin a fruitful partnership that would last until 2001, when an auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap ended Davis's career. And life.

Although Spence's attempts at teaching Hartnett to act were unsuccessful (spectacularly unsuccessful), Davis did manage to teach the young man to have sex with casting directors and studio executives. Just ask any ER doctor in the greater Los Angeles area - splinters of Hartnett have been pulled out of some of Hollywood's highest profile rectums.

So, while it might be true that Josh Hartnett can't act any better than a stack of firewood... what the fuck do you expect from an actual piece of lumber?

Posted by Joey at 01:41 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

October 11, 2005

Easy Target: Brian Austin Green

I've got a question for the American Broadcasting Company.

What did America ever do to you? Did we piss you off in some way? Did we take a dump on your driveway? Did we sleep with your sister, then not call her? We must have done something pretty awful, because that's the only possible justification for your new sitcom, "Freddie".

No, you are not hallucinating - it's a Freddie Prinze Jr. "vehicle". You remember Freddie Prinze Jr., perhaps the only actor in the world who employs fewer facial expressions than Keanu Reeves? Only Andie MacDowell has fewer, but I'm pretty sure she's actually an animatronic robot, built from dismantled parts stolen from a (now defunct) Chucky Cheese in Trenton, NJ. But I don't have the energy to go after Prinze right now. Why bother, when the co-star of his sitcom is Brian Austin fucking Green!

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Honestly, when he put out that rap album, I just assumed I would never see him on TV again. At least not outside of a Beverly Hills 90210 rerun... or an episode of "Punk'd: Marginal Celebrity Edition". Green is marginal even by 90210 standards. Jason Priestly drives racecars, at least. Jennie Garth is on some WB sitcom. And Shannon Dougherty is a noted bitch, so at least she's got that going for her. For fuck's sake, Luke Perry probably isn't doing anything - couldn't they have dragged his ass away from whatever Olive Garden he's working at and put him on the show instead?

It's just not right that Brian Austin Green gets to be on TV again. It's like letting Hitler try out for American Idol. If I could channel Randy Jackson for a moment: "Yeah, Adolf, you did your thing, Dawg. BUT YOU KILLED 11 MILLION PEOPLE SO YOU DO NOT GET TO BE ON AMERICAN IDOL. FUCK OFF HITLER!"

Perhaps I am overstating my case?

Look, all I'm saying is this: the fact that a person was once on a TV show is not - in and of itself - a good reason to cast that person on another TV show. Especially if that person sucks. Like Brian Austin Green.

Posted by Joey at 04:03 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 17, 2005

Easy Target: Bravo TV

On an episode of Bravo's groundbreaking reality series, Being Bobby Brown, Bobby recounts an amusing incident in which he helped relieve his wife Whitney's constipation. Manually. In that moment, when Bobby describes the process of reaching into Whitney Houston's ass and pulling out chunks of impacted feces, one can't help but think of how this anecdote serves as an apt metaphor for the entire Bravo network. In this metaphor, Bobby represents Bravo's series development executives, Whitney (her ass, actually) represents popular culture. And those big wads of shit... those represent Bravo's entire programming schedule.


Let's go back in time for a moment. Back to 1980. Back when Paris Hilton was nothing but a glimmer in Kathy Hilton's eyes. A nasty, slutty, stupid-as-all-get-out glimmer. Ah yes, 1980: the year when Bravo emerged as a commercial-free arts orientated movie network. Must have been pretty sweet, back then - turn on your TV and see some foreign films or performing arts programming. Even though the network only broadcast 12 hours a day, it was 12 hours of quality. Or so I've been told... it's not like I actually watched Bravo in the 80's. I was prepubescent for much of the decade, and - at the time - was more interested in cartoons. So give me a fucking break.

The point is, Bravo wasn't always what they are now. And what they are now is basically a shite delivery system. The network's current slogan, "See What Happens" would be more accurate if it were changed to "You Fuckers Will Watch ANYTHING". Let's review some of Bravo's current/recent programming:

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: It's true, there's no problem in my life that can't be fixed with $300 worth of moisturizer.

Celebrity Poker Showdown: Because there isn't enough poker on TV already.

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List: Bitch, you'd be lucky just to get on the waiting list for the D-List.

Manhunt, Boy Meets Boy, Gay Weddings: OK, Bravo. We get it. Gay people watch shite television too.

Battle of the Network Reality Stars: Kill me now.

Of course, Bravo isn't the worst offender when it comes to filling airtime with dull reality debacles and cheap regurgitations of pop culture. Vh1 retains that title (and will likely be the subject of a future Easy Target). However, when you consider that Bravo began as a sophisticated arts network, the network deserves special HATE for their spiraling descent into crap-gramming.

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Posted by Joey at 02:22 AM | Comments (0)