September 11, 2007

Brave New Pizza (Part II)

Pizza. It's what's for dinner.

No, that's been done before. How about this:

Pizza. IT'S WHAT YOU CAN GO SHOVE UP YOUR ASS!

Geez. Sorry about that. I've really got some issues to work through.

Anyway, let's talk pizza! Last time I addressed this subject, I was concerned that pizza purveyors were all TRYING TO KILL US. This time, I'm more concerned about fake pizza.

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That's right, The Noid, defunct pizza icon! Fake pizza is a product that is marketed as pizza, but has questionable pizza credentials. Let's see what's being dished out this month:

Subway Pizza

Subway restaurants are mostly known for sandwiches -- and for that annoying Jared fucker who JUST WON'T GO AWAY. But Jared and his corporate masters are no longer content to rule the sammichsphere (like the blog-o-sphere, but for sammiches!). Now they want to take on big pizza franchises. Introducing Subway's personal deep dish pizzas! In a stroke of synergistic genius, Subway bakes these pizzas in the same ovens they use to toast their subs. Actually... now that I think about it, that sounds a little suspicious. Even so, they're cheap and they sort of look like pizza.

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But is it pizza? I don't know. Last time I went to Subway, I nearly ordered one of these. But then I remembered that there's a quite decent pizzeria right next door to my local Subway. So, ordering some weird flash-baked frankenpizza when the real thing is just a few steps away... well, that would just be retarded. And not retarded in a good way.

Oreo Pizza

Uh. For a moment, let's try to forget the eye-searing image of men bearded with chunks of crushed cookies. God knows I'll be seeing it in my dreams for years to come. We must limit our thoughts to the product itself: a dessert pizza composed of Oreo cookies and some white goo. If this were a CRUDE website, I could compare this white Oreo goo to another kind of white goo that teenage boys often produce while perusing Hannah Montana fansites. But I'm not going to make that comparison.

But is it PIZZA?? I don't think so. See, I have philosophical objections to the very concept of a "dessert pizza". Pizza -- REAL pizza -- has bready crust, cheese, and a zesty tomato sauce. Domino's Oreo Pizza has none of these. If this THING is a pizza then my ass is beef jerky (teriyaki style).

Chinese Pizza

I really don't know where to start with this one. You'll just have to check this out for yourself:

A little backstory: Domino's Pizza is a multi-national franchise, and they do brisk business in India. Of course, India has somewhat different pizza preferences than Americans. They top their pizzas with spicy chicken rather than pepperoni and sausage. And, it seems, they like Chinese flavored pizzas.

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BUT IS IT PIZZA???

Sure it is. You know what? From now on, EVERYTHING is pizza. Tacos are pizza. Marshmallows are pizza. Pop rocks and pixie sticks: also pizza Even things that aren't food... we can call them pizza TOO! Christmas ornaments, tennis shoes, sofa-beds -- "Hey bro, can I crash on your PIZZA tonight???" -- it's ALL PIZZA. As for me, I'm just about ready to pop a fistfull of prescription pizza-killer tablets and wash them down with a 40oz Malt Pizza.

Because a world that can't distinguish between things that are pizza and things that are NOT pizza... that's no world I want to live in.

Thanks to Flickr user Slice for the Subway pizza images. And thanks to the Brand Autopsy blog for montaging them so nicely! Now, if only I could get someone else to actually WRITE this site for me, I'd be all set.

Posted by Joey at 01:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 10, 2007

Gatorade AM

It's 6am. You're already lacing up your sneakers, getting ready for an invigorating 6 mile run. Just as you step out the door you realize: you are SO thirsty! You could always grab some Gatorade, but at this hour, you're just not up for traditional sports drink flavors. "Glacier Freeze" and "Riptide Rush" taste great in the afternoon, but not this early. "God fucking dammit", you think to yourself, "why can't they make Gatorade flavors that are right for the morning?"

CURSE NO MORE EXERCISE ENTHUSIAST!

Introducing Gatorade AM.

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It's everything you love about Gatorade, but now in awesome breakfasty flavors like Orange-Strawberry, Tropical-Mango and Lunatic-Sadist. How MORNINGLICIOUS! Finally, Gatorade has developed a product that everyone can use!

And by "everyone", of course, I mean NOBODY.

Who the fuck goes running at 6am? Who's even awake at that hour (aside from Wal-Mart cashiers and those douche-bags on The Today Show)? I'm sure as crap not awake at dawn -- and if I was, the only running I'd be doing is a quick trip to the bathroom before crawling back under the covers.

I don't need special "morning flavors" of sports drink. In fact, I need the very opposite! I play in a hockey league that plays games at 9:30... ***PM***. I go to the gym in the evenings, play soccer at night. "God fucking dammit," I'm thinking to myself, "why can't they make Gatorade flavors that are right for the EVENING."

CURSE NO MORE JOEY HEADSET!

Introducing Gatorade PM -- an innovate sports drink product that I just invented! Gatorade PM contains everything I like about sports drinks, but in flavors I crave in the evenings. Flavors like: Vodka Rush, Bourbon Blast and Malt Liquor Frost. Gatorade PM quenches your thirst, hydrates your body and FUCKS YOU UP.

You just can't ask for more from a sports drink. Or from a bartender.

Posted by Joey at 03:37 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

April 05, 2007

Have a *Delicious* Easter

Once again, it's time for Easter: the holiest of Christian holidays. During Easter, Christians celebrate the day Jesus Christ joined the ranks of the walking dead. That infamous day began The Messiah's career as a full-fledged, brain-munching zombie who would terrorize Europe for centuries (as detailed in the Book of Mormon). Also, I think there's something about a Divine Bunny that hides eggs.

Though I'm not a Christian, I still love Easter, mostly because of the awesome candy confections that are only available around the holiday! Here are a few of my favorite Easter sweets:

Cadbury's Creme Eggs: These things are like frickin CRACK! The milk chocolate, the mysterious yellow "yolk" -- I could eat three dozen in a sitting. And one time, I actually did eat that many when I found a dollar store that was selling them for $0.25 apiece. I wound up puking creme filling for 8 solid hours, but it was totally worth it!

If you've seen the ads, you probably believe that the Creme Eggs are produced by specially bred rabbits. Clucking rabbits.

Of course, this commercial is pure fiction. Cadbury's Creme Eggs are not produced by rabbits. Can you imagine the sort of genetic engineering that would be required to create a breed of rabbits that could lay creme filled eggs AND make hilarious clucking noises? Such a species would be an abomination; spitting in face of God himself.

Not to worry, Cadbury's festive chocolate eggs are NOT produced by any kind of genetically altered rabbit! Rather, the Cadbury Creme Eggs are produced by chickens. Atomic chickens. These candy spawning birds are specially bred in an underground laboratory underneath the Cadbury Chocolate Company's corporate headquarters.

Peeps: It just wouldn't be Easter without colorful marshmallow peeps.

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Strictly speaking, Peeps are not classified as a food product. (Stupid FDA and their "food must be digestible by human beings" regulations.) It's true, most actual foods don't include substances like carnauba wax, a key ingredient in shoe polish and automotive wax. But, on the plus side, this waxy coating makes Peeps completely impervious to fire! Here's a Peep I attempted to roast in a bonfire last summer.

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After twenty minutes of searing heat, this little fella was slightly blackened and blistered, but still in remarkably good shape! In the future, I suspect firefighters will wear protective suits made entirely of Peeps. Just remember: though Peeps are heat resistant, they are NOT resistant to microwaves.

Nude Chocolate Jesus: With all this hubbub and hullaballoo about bunnies and colorful eggs, it's too easy to forget the true meaning of the season: Jesus! And what better way to celebrate His crucifixion and eventual zombification resurrection than by casting Jesus in chocolate -- TOTALLY NUDE -- and then devouring him on Easter Sunday with your closest family and friends. Soon to be available in stores, chocolate Jesuses can be purchased in both dark and white chocolate (though it's a matter of some controversy which one is more accurate). Some of the gormet choco-saviors come with a crunchy Crown of Nougat. It's as delicious as it is blasphemous!

Posted by Joey at 08:42 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 02, 2007

The Monday Spew: An Introduction

What's the Monday Spew? No, it's NOT how I spend monday mornings kneeling in front of the toilet after another late Sunday drinking session. Rather, it's a new feature on this very website!

A lot of exciting things happen over the weekend. But not to me. See, while other people spend their weekends going to clubs, hanging out with friends, overthrowing small island nations... your boy Joey stays at home AND WATCHES TELEVISION! I also surf the internet and read trashy magazines. Why?

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SHUT UP CEREAL MASCOTS. I spend the weekend devouring popular culture so I can spend Monday regurgitating it ALL OVER THIS WEBSITE. On Mondays, you can expect a torrent of quick and dirty posts about a wide range of topics. Topics include: stuff, things, crap, whatnot, thingies. And much, much more! So on Mondays, stay tuned to Joey Headset for a variety of useless and annoying posts.

Remember: these posts may not be entertaining, but the time you spend reading them at work is time you're getting paid for, even though you're not working. And that's what America is all about!

Posted by Joey at 08:50 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

November 25, 2006

Stuffed for the Holidays

It's Thanksgiving, and you know what that means: TURKEY TIME! Everyone loves to eat turkey on thanksgiving. Everyone except vegetarians, but they can go fuck themselves. For the rest of us, there's only one bird that satisfies on the forth Thursday in November.

Yet... a turkey is ONLY ONE BIRD. The time you spend eating turkey is time you could have spent eating other animals. This is the dilemma of the holiday season. So much food to shove down your throat, but limited time and stomach space. In the future, medical breakthroughs will allow Americans to replace their traditional digestive systems with cybernetically enhanced systems, such as the UltraGut 4000. In the meantime, we have the Turducken.

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It's a chicken, stuffed inside a duck, stuffed inside a turkey. SO AWESOME! In every delicious mouthful, you get to eat three different animals! This must be what Noah felt like when he forced the animals on the Ark to devour each other, just because he was bored of slaughtering and eating God's creatures one at a time. Seriously, what the fuck did you think he ate when he got hungry on that boat? God never told him to pack two of each energy bar.

Obviously the Turducken is the most festive of holiday entrees. But, couldn't it be even MORE festive than it already is? The concept of shoving one animal inside another is great, but why stop at just three animals? A large chicken has plenty of cavity space that would allow for the insertion of another, smaller animal. A suckling pig, perhaps? And you could probably find room inside that pig for a cornish game hen. The hen is rather small, but you could put a small frog inside it, and inside the frog you could shove a couple of snails. If frogs and snails are good enough for French people to eat they're good enough for you and me! Well, for you at least.

So now we have, not a Turducken, but a Turduckenpighenfroescargot. Sounds delightful! But why stop there? Sadly, there are no edible animals small enough to shove inside a snail. However, there are plenty of animals larger than a turkey, into which we could shove our entire Turduckenpig... etc. Imagine a cow stuffed with a goat stuffed with a lamb stuffed with the aforementioned Turduck concoction. The cow, in turn, could be shoved inside a buffalo which could be inserted into a whale. The resulting food extravaganza would be called a Whabuffacowgolamturk... fuck it, let's just call it DELICIOUS.

Remember, the more animals you eat, the more God loves you. It says so in the bible, right next to the passage about how "vicious, ignorant assholes shall inherit the earth".

Posted by Joey at 04:37 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 14, 2006

Bring Back the TRANS fats

Bowing down to pressure from Nutritionistas, Kentucky Fried Chicken is joining the rest of the fast food industry in dropping trans fats from their menu. This move has been a long time coming. For years, health experts have insisted that trans fats cause heart disease, diabetes and even liver damage. I'm no expert on health, but I am an expert on DELICIOUSNESS. As an expert, I can say authoritatively: trans fats are delicious!

Of course, this is hardly surprising. ALL fats are delicious. And, as fats go, trans fats are actually less delicious than the regular ones. Remember: margarine = trans fat, butter = regular fat. Obviously butter tastes better, and it doesn't even kill you as fast as the fake stuff. So why would anyone choose to use trans fats? Fast food companies used them because they have a longer shelf life. A KFC drumstick cooked in partially hydrogenated soybean oil will stay extra-tasty-crispy for up to 12 years. Coincidentally, that's how long the breading from that chicken will remain in your gastrointestinal tract. Trans fats are cheap, convenient, and toxic to human beings. Trans fats are what fast food is all about, and KFC should be ashamed to let them go.

If KFC really wants to ban something from their restaurants, they shouldn't ban trans fats. They should ban fat trannies!

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I don't need science or doctors to tell me what I should eat. That's what TELEVISION is for. If KFC runs ads telling me I should eat a bowl of chicken, cheese, corn, gravy and marshed portaters, then that's exactly what I'm going to do. Fuck, I'll eat small rodents if KFC covers them in the Colonel's "secret recipe" of eleven herbs and partially hydrogenated spices. If those deep fried rodent morsels weren't Finger Lickin' Good, why would KFC waste money advertising them? Trust me when I tell you that I will never capitulate to the will of the granola crunching health maniacs who would turn every greasy chicken joint in America into a vegan cafe. I'll eat anything KFC is willing to serve, and I don't care WHAT effects it might have on my health. Trans fats, faux fats, ultra fats, quantum fats -- BRING EM' ON, MOTHERFUCKER!

But I still won't eat at Arby's. Even I have my limit.

Posted by Joey at 04:23 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 25, 2006

Saving Micky D's

What happened to McDonald's?

McDonald's used to be the big daddy of fast food franchises. They had it ALL -- burgers, fries... larger burgers, larger fries. But while the competition innovated, the Golden Arches stagnated. Wendy's currently offers salads and baked potatoes, Hardee's provides fried chicken and biscuits. Burger King... well, they're doing straight up crazy shit. Remember the BK Stacker? And what does Mr. McDonald have to say about all this? "Hey guys, here's a new 'Premium' Chicken Sandwich... and, uh... we're thinking about offering breakfast all day along!"

Pathetic.

McDonald's holds a special place in American culture. They are the fatteners of our asses, the bringers of diabetes to our children -- they are the reason why the terrorists hate us. Journalist Thomas Friedman once wrote that no country that has a McDonald's has ever gone to war against another country with a McDonald's. The decline of the McDonald's franchise doesn't just threaten the economy, it could eventually cause World War III!

Though war certainly makes for GREAT television, I can't in good conscience let this happen. For this reason, I offer the following humble suggestions for how McDonald's can once again claim its title as the premiere fast food restaurant in America -- and the world.

First and foremost, McDonald's needs more menu variety. When Ray Kroc founded the franchise in the late 50s, it was sufficient to serve nothing more than burgers, fries and shakes. You know, traditional drive-in fare. But in the modern fast food era, this is not enough. Customers crave variety, and though Micky D. has taken a few tentative steps toward expanding their menu, they need to start thinking outside the box. WAY outside the box! Let's brainstorm for a moment... what's the last thing you would expect to see on a McDonald's menu? Sushi? Herb encrusted lamb shanks? Baked bean sandwiches? Yes, these would be surprising... perhaps even surprisingly delicious! However, I've got an even better idea. McDonald's has never really capitalized on the uniquely Scottish nature of their franchise's name-identity. In the long history of the restaurant, they have never served any traditional Scottish cuisine. I say it's time for the company to embrace their ethnic heritage.

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Mmm! Americans will love the taste of McHaggis just like they love the taste (metaphorically) of ignorance and violence! And McDonald's already has a classic slogan they can adapt when marketing this delicacy: "Two all-sheep lungs, liver, heart, onion, stock, oatmeal, spices in a boiled sheep's stomach!"

Speaking of edible viscera, I've always been a big fan of Chicken McNuggets. They are everything I like about chicken, but in convenient bite sized chunklets that may or may not be made of chicken. I wonder, why can't McDonald's make all of their menu items available in some kind of McNugget format? Cheeseburger McNuggets would be pretty awesome, as would Big MacNuggets. Who knows, in the future we might even be able to enjoy an icy cool Coca-Cola in the form of refreshing CokeNuggets.

Also, do you remember Ronald McDonald? That ass-clown has got to go. Clowns are freaky and unpleasant. They are not funny, they are not entertaining, and most people who dress up like clowns are actually child molesters. It's a fact. McDonald's needs a new mascot, and they don't have to look far to find one. They already have a wonderful character who would serve brilliantly in this role.

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This is Grimace. He was named after the facial expression most McDonald's executives make when they first learn the terrible secret of "special sauce". Grimace is a spokeman, er... spokesthing we can trust. He's blobby, he's androgynous, he's purple. He looks like AMERICA. Except for the androgynous and purple part.

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When lefty activists need a poignant symbol to deface at anti-globalization protests, they need look no further than the Golden Arches. And, if McDonalds makes the simple changes I've proposed, those arches will represent corporate greed and American gluttony for decades to come.

Posted by Joey at 11:55 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 19, 2006

23 Flavors

Huh. The makers of Dr. Pepper now claim that their soda includes 23 distinct flavors. As the kids are fond of saying, that is "madd flavas".

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Of course, the Pepper-Masters will not divulge their secret recipe. If they revealed the 23 flavors of Dr. Pepper, no one would need to purchase it. People could just buy the ingredients at Wal-Mart and brew up a batch in their bathtub (same way my college roommates used to make gin).

However, I've got good news for all of you Dr. Pepper maniacs! Your boy Joey happens to be a Soft Drink Connoisseur. After sampling Dr. P on several occasions, I believe I have isolated each of the delicate and complex flavors in this beverage. Though I expect my website will quickly be shut down by the Cadbury-Schweppes Corporation, I will now list all 23 of those flavors:

Flavor #1: Caramel.

Flavor #2: Vanilla.

Flavor #3: Plum.

Flavor #4: Sandalwood.

Flavors #5-#23: **ASS**.

Posted by Joey at 12:21 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

July 12, 2006

Go Stack Yourself

Take a look at this:

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It's a cheeseburger. More specifically, it's 3 slices of beef, three slices of cheese and 6 strips of crispy delicious bacon. This food product, available at your local Burger King restaurant, is called the BK Stacker. And the best part? This is only the MEDIUM SIZED version of the sandwich!

You see, the BK Stacker is available in 3 different configurations. The version pictured above is the Triple, what with it having 3 slabs of beef. For lighter appetites (by American standards) there's the Double... which is really nothing more than a Double Bacon Cheeseburger with "Stacker Sauce". And then there's the Big Daddy Stacker: The Quad.

4 beef patties, 8 strips of bacon and 4 slices of cheese. Now that's a cheeseburger! Though there's no way I will ever EVER put one of these into my body, I can still enjoy it vicariously by scoping out the burger's nutritional data.

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Some fascinating data here, worthy of further analysis. First of all, the sandwich is only 1000 calories! That's pretty filling, but it could be worse. Hardee's Monster Thickburger contains 1410 calories, and it only has two patties (though both patties are 2/3 lbs -- hope your colon has a sense of humor!). I was also surprised to find that the sesame seed bun contains fewer calories than the 8 strips of bacon. Attention calorie counters: you'd be better off replacing the bun with an ADDITIONAL 8 STRIPS OF BACON! Finally, how is it that the whole burger weighs 311 grams... but the individual ingredients don't weigh anything at all? Look at the "Weight(g)" column to the right of the ingredients: Bun, sauce, bacon, cheese, and beef: all weighing in at precisely 0 grams. Maybe its a typo. But I have another theory.

I believe that BK has developed a new kind of "weightless fat". Perhaps pigs and cows raised in a zero-gravity environment yield zero-gravity meat and cheese. SHUT UP THAT IS SO PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE! These new weightless food products will allow BK patrons to eat ridiculously huge burgers without gaining any weight.

To be clear, these patrons will still become morbidly and hilariously obese. But at least their lower body mass will increase the fuel efficiency of their extra-wide SUVs.

Posted by Joey at 05:50 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 17, 2006

Eat Like a Man

Being a man isn't easy -- and it's getting harder every day.

In the old days, all you needed in order to be a man was a drinking problem, a criminal record and a few dangly bits between your legs. So long as you worked hard (or at least bitched a lot about how hard you work) and treated your woman right (or at least didn't leave visible marks when you smacked her around) no one could call your manliness into question.

These days, the rules are different. Being a man is no longer just about farting a lot and beating people up. Now there are dietary restrictions! If you watch television -- and I suspect you do -- you've probably seen this commercial:

The upshot of this ad: if you are really a man, you will go to Burger King and scarf down a Texas Double Whopper as soon as physically possible. "I'll eat this meat until my innie turns into an outie". Indeed! The Whopper in question is a deluxe hamburger with two beef patties, two slices of American cheese, mayonnaise and a few strips of bacon. For those keeping keeping score, this burger will run you 1050 calories (620 from fat) and 210mg of cholesterol. On the plus side, one of these burgers will supply 15 percent of your daily Vitamin C requirement. So at least you won't suffer from scurvy while your ass expands like Starbuck's through the pacific northwest. SHUT UP THAT IS AN APT METAPHOR!!!

The commercial playfully co-opts various masculine cliches. Of particular interest is the line, "I'll admit i've been fed quiche" -- a reference to Bruce Feirstein's assertion that Real Men Don't Eat Quiche. I've never understood this. Quiche is a food that's made of eggs, cheese and (usually) some form of meat. What's so fucking unmanly about that? It's basically an omelet inside a pie crust. There's nothing effeminate about omelets, and you better not try to tell me that there's something "gay" about pie. Not to my face!

So go ahead, eat like a man. Shove meat and cheese down your throat with gleeful abandon. Just remember one thing: you can eat a man and you can look like a man... but you can't do both at once. Not unless you happen to be Butterbean.

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Posted by Joey at 05:40 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 06, 2006

The Juleprita

Right now, on the east coast, it is 2:30 AM. Yesterday, of course, was Cinco De Mayo: a Mexican holiday celebrating a massive beatdown of French expeditionary forces at the Battle of Puebla (circa 1862). The holiday is also celebrated in America, where (like most holidays) it mostly serves as an excuse to drink. Though the makers of Corona contend that their beer is the official drink of Cinco de Mayo festivities, most people I know would prefer to drink Margaritas. They taste better than crappy Mexican beer, plus get you drunk considerably faster.

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Tomorrow, if you didn't already know, is the 132nd running of the Kentucky Derby. As sporting events go, it's not that interesting: the whole thing only takes about two minutes. In this sense it's slightly less boring than NASCAR (though NASCAR does have those hilariously deadly car wrecks). However, the great thing about the Derby isn't the horse race itself -- it's all the traditions surrounding the race. For instance, the Kentucky Derby is the only sporting event that has its VERY OWN COCKTAIL: the delicious Mint Julep.

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The Julep is yet another fabulous innovation brought to us by wealthy, alcoholic White Anglo-Saxon Protestants. This drink's got it all! It's got bourbon and mint and bourbon and sugar... AND BOURBON!

It's not every year that Cinco De Mayo and the Kentucky Derby come on consecutive days. In order to celebrate this happy convergence, I've invented a delightful new cocktail: The Juliprita! It's the perfect drink for those lonely hours between your tequila induced Cinco-buzz and your shameless Derby-day bourbon bender. Here's the recipe:


Ingredients:

2.5 oz. Tequila
2.5 oz. Bourbon
1.5 oz. Triple Sec
5 Sprigs Mint (if unavailable, just crush a dozen Altoids into a fine powder)
1 oz Lime Juice (use real limes, NO MIX!)
Sugar
Kosher Salt

Mixing instructions:

Dump all liquor into a cocktail shaker (or a well-chilled bucket). Slosh it around a bit until it seems mixed. Drop mint sprigs and most of the sugar into liquor and muddle it with a blunt muddling instrument until you get pretty bored of muddling. Moisten the rim of any clean glass you can find with the husk of a lime (you DID use real limes, RIGHT?) and dip half of the glass's rim into kosher salt. Then, dip the other half into what's left of the sugar. Dump some ice into the shaker/bucket and then shake it. SHAKE IT REAL GOOD. Pour the drink into your salt and sugar lined glass.

Enjoy!

Posted by Joey at 02:33 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

April 13, 2006

BlaK is the new Black

As a member of the Blog-O-Sphere, it's very important for me to try new products before everyone else. That way, by the time most other people are getting interested in something, I'm already nicely jaded about it (thereby allowing me to piss all over their enthusiasm). That's just the kind of guy I am!

My obsession with trying new products is especially keen when it comes to soft drinks -- Coke products in particular. So when I heard that the Coca-Cola Company had just released a new PREMIUM beverage, I actually phoned up local convenience stores to find out who was stocking it. What can I say, I'm a Coke Whore!

(Wow. That REALLY wasn't the best way to express my appreciation for Coca-Cola beverage products.)

Anyway, last night my annoying phone calls finally paid off! I infiltrated a local Quik-E Mart, and found the newest version of my favorite Cola: Coca-Cola BlaK.

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What is Blak? I could describe it for you, but it would be much easier to copy/paste from a Coke press release:

"Coca-Cola Blak is not just a flavor extension. It is a blend of unique Coke refreshment with the true essence of coffee and has a rich smooth texture and has a coffee-like froth when poured. We believe we have created a new category of soft drink -- an adult product in a carbonated beverage -- and a whole new drinking experience. This brand is ideal for any part of the day when people are looking for renewed energy or simply to take a break."

OK. Let's break this down. First of all, WTF is a "Flavor Extension"? Is that a fancy way of describing Cherry Coke, Vanilla Coke, Coke with Lemon, Coke with Lime, Coke Your Roommate Peed in While You Were Passed Out From Drinking? Secondly, what it is that makes a soft drink "adult"? In my experience, the only ingredient that makes a beverage qualify as "adult" is alcohol. Hence the term, Adult Beverage. However, BlaK has no alcohol content. Not even a little. Finally, regarding the alleged smooth texture and "coffee-like froth" of this drink -- I'm calling bullshit on that one. I poured Coke BlaK into a glass before I consumed it. It poured like Coke, it looked like Coke... it even frothed like Coke.

"But Joey, how did it taste?!?!" It tasted like Coke -- with a delightful coffee essence! I won't lie: this is a tasty drink. The fusion of Coca-Cola with coffee may be questionable in theory, but it's quite appealing in practice. The fact that this drink is a "mid-calorie" beverage (half of its sugar is real, half is artificial) didn't even bother me, since the coffee flavor masked the diet-cola aftertaste. I'm a big fan of Coca-Cola BlaK. However, there is no way I will ever buy it again.

Why? Take a look at this.

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NO NOT MY HAIRY ARMS! Look at the price label. That's $1.79 for only 8 ounces! You can get a 20oz bottle of any other version of Coke for considerably less. Why the hell did they have to make it so damn expensive? It's just regular Coke with a little bit of coffee flavored syrup added to it. Do they really expect me to believe that coffee flavored syrup costs that much more than cherry or vanilla flavored syrup? I checked a few websites that sell flavored syrups, and they charged the same for all three flavors.

So if you really want to get the BlaK experience, but don't want to get totally ripped off, I suggest you buy your own coffee syrup and flavor your regular cola to taste. Either that or take a sip of Coke, a sip of actual coffee, and just swish them around in your mouth a bit before swallowing. It's cheap, and it gets you caffeinated. You really can't ask for more than that.

Posted by Joey at 04:09 AM | TrackBack

April 04, 2006

Brave New Pizza

"Pizza. It's what's for dinner!"

No... wait. That one's been done before. Let's try this again.

"Pizza. IT'S WHAT YOU SHOVE DOWN YOUR THROAT YOU FAT FUCK!"

Offended? You should be! But not at me. Except for the part where I called you a fat fuck. You should probably be offended at that. But mostly you should be offended at the four major national pizza chains: Pizza Hut, Domino's, Little Caesar's and Papa John's. Those bastards have turned pizza from delicious cuisine into a one way ticket to Morbid Obesityville.

I think the problem reached a tipping point back in 2003, when Pizza Hut debuted their Stuffed Crust Gold "pizza". I use the quotation marks there because this menu item only qualifies as a "pizza" in the most general sense. Fuck, it barely even qualifies as FOOD. If you recall, the Stuffed Crust Gold was a pizza that had mozzarella cheese baked inside the crust (hence the Stuffed) and a layer of cheddar cheese baked on top of the crust (hence the gold). For those keeping score, that's cheese on the pizza, cheese in the crust and cheese on the crust. God help us if Pizza Hut's food scientists ever figure out how to make the crust itself out of cheese. Either that or they will dispense with the crust entirely and just fill the cardboard pizza box to the brim with molten cheese, sprinkling pepperoni on top.

Until that day arrives, we will have to be content with innovations in pizza scale. Domino's recently introduced the XLP - the Extra Large Pizza. It's 30% bigger!

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Papa John's responded with their cinematically branded Kong's King-Size Pizza. It's also 30% bigger! Plus, if you buy one, you get $3 off Peter Jackson's King Kong on DVD, as well as 20% off your next coronary bypass.

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Look, I don't want to rain on anyone's marketing synergy parade, but I must point out that King Kong is an APE. As such he mostly eats fruits and grasses - maybe the occasional insect. KING KONG DOESN'T EAT CHEESE OR SAUSAGE OR PEPPERONI. An authentic King Kong pizza would be topped with pineapple and dung beetles. And no one in their right mind would eat a pizza topped with pineapple.

Even non-pizza franchises are getting in on the hyper-gluttonous fun. The other day, I drove past an A&W restaurant and saw something that nearly made me drive off the road. A sign advertising "cheese curds". CHEESE CURDS! Allow me to quote from their website:

"Cheese Curds have been popular in Wisconsin for years. But unless you've grown up tailgating in the shadow of Lambeau Field, or ice fishing on Muskellunge Lake, you might not have had the pleasure of enjoying Cheese Curds. Doesn't the name inspire your curiosity?"

Does it inspire my curiosity? Sure it does... the same way watching Oz on HBO inspired my curiousity about prison rape. But if you send me to prison, I'M NOT DROPPING THE SOAP JUST TO SATIATE MY CURIOSITY! Similarly, I shall not be putting my mouth anywhere near something called a cheese curd. I don't give a shit what they do in Wisconsin.

Posted by Joey at 06:00 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

March 20, 2006

Get Your Grape On: A Joey Headset Guide to Wine

If you are anything like me, you get invited to a lot of parties; parties where you don't really know the hosts or feel like talking to any of the guests. At social occasions such as these, I've found that the best strategy is to drink until the people around you seem tolerable. Or at least until you get thrown out. Your results may very.

Personally, I prefer not to drink anything that I can't find at my local convenience store. I don't like surprises. However, at the parties I attend, people usually bring wine. Nothing wrong with that, per se... I'll drink wine if someone else is paying for it. The trouble is, when people bring wine to parties, they also like to talk about the wine. Even worse, they expect YOU to talk about it too! "I love the notes of apricot and tobacco in this California Chardonnay - WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

If you've ever found yourself in this awkward situation, you need some wine schoolin' and you need it pronto. Sit back, relax and let my knowledge wash over you like an Australian Shiraz enema. That's a kind of wine (see, you're already learning)!

Wine is produced when old, bearded men pour grape juice into barrels and combine it with grain alcohol. The alcohol kills off deadly bacteria strains that live inside grapes. Raw grapes, like most forms of fruit/vegetable, are indigestible by humans unless mixed with alcohol, sweetened with high fructose corn syrup or smothered in ranch dressing. For this reason, the safest wine to drink is the Wine Cooler - which contains both alcohol and corn syrup. Interesting historical note: Wine was invented by the ancient Greeks because having sex with young boys made them very thirsty. The fruity beverage not only quenched their thirst, but also made the young boys a little more "receptive" to their advances.

Unlike Gatorade or Kool-Aid, which comes in dozens of delicious flavors, wines all taste exactly the same. They all taste like wine. Though wine doesn't come in "flavors", it does come in many colors. White and red are the most common, but yellow, green and orange wines are not uncommon.

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So, you might be wondering: "If all wines taste the same, how can I tell the good ones from the ones that suck crap?" This is easily accomplished. You can determine the quality of any wine by inspecting the bottle. On the wine's label, look for a one or two digit number followed by the letters "ABV" (this stands for Alcohol By Volume). The higher the number, the better the wine. It's that simple! You will find that the finest wines are classified as Fortified Wines. When I bring a bottle of wine to a fancy dinner party, I never bring anything weaker than 18% ABV. Thunderbird, MD 20/20, Cisco, Night Train - these are all excellent "vintages" that can be appreciated by both connoisseurs and train-yard derelicts.

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Now you know virtually all there is to know about wine! Feel free to talk loudly about it at parties; use lots of big words and try to make other people feel stupid. Because the stupider other people feel, the smarter you seem.

Posted by Joey at 01:38 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

March 08, 2006

The Joey Headset Diet

If you are anything like me, you want to look good in a swimsuit. I would never actually wear a swimsuit, because I never go swimming (I'm afraid of the water; and of buoyancy). But if I did go swimming, I'd want to look good doing it. Who wouldn't?

As we transition from Winter into Spring, many of us will want to lose those extra pounds we gained over the holidays. But losing weight is soooo hard! Sensible diet/exercise programs are painful and unpleasant. Non-sensible, batshit crazy diets may seem like a good alternative, but they tend not to work and also sometimes kill you. Finally, there's bulimia. It gets the job done, but habitual vomiting isn't for everyone.

So how are you going to lose those extra pounds?

THE JOEY HEADSET DIET

This diet is simple and effective. Here's how it works:

Go out and buy yourself a packet of Pop Rocks - the fun candy that makes NOISES in your MOUTH. I bet you didn't know that a packet of Pop Rocks is only 34 calories. You ingest more calories than that every time you pass within 50 yards of Burger King! Go ahead and eat the Pop Rocks - be sure to consume the whole packet in one sitting. In fact, it's best if you can pour the contents into your mouth all at once. It will be like there is a party in your mouth and only people who make popping and crackling noises are invited!

That's all there is to it. Eat one packet of Pop Rocks a day and those pounds will just melt away. "But Joey, what if I get hungry after I eat this noisy candy product?" Don't worry, hypothetical question asking person! After eating an entire packet of Pop Rocks, you will find that you are not very hungry anymore. In fact, you will probably want to lie down in the fetal position for the rest of the afternoon (while your stomach wonders what the fuck it did to deserve such a barrage of lactose derived depth charges).

Remember, people: if Dr. Phil can sell a book of diet advice, then damn anyone is qualified to tell people how to lose weight.

Posted by Joey at 04:47 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack