September 19, 2007
A Public Service Announcement (in blank verse)
Today I punched myself by accident.
The accidental blow befell my face,
specifically my nose, which didn't break
but might have done, if fortune hadn't blessed
(or cursed) me with these tiny, girly hands.
A lesson here can benefit us all:
Refrain from all behaviors which allow
your fists and face to meet by happenstance.
And now you know - for knowing is, they say
the greater half of victory (go joe!)
November 06, 2006
Joey Headset, Novelist
Like most pretentious assholes, I believe I've got The Great American Novel somewhere inside me. I can't say exactly where inside me (and numerous body-cavity searches have failed to shed any light on the matter). But I'm not discouraged. One way or the other, I intend to become a novelist.
There are many great reasons to write a novel. First of all, I've heard that many people enjoy reading. I'm not one of them, of course. I don't read novels, but I do sometimes watch movies based on novels. In my experience, these movies almost always suck. So, if I write a novel that doesn't suck, maybe there will eventually be a movie based on it that won't be a total ripoff. I'd probably get free tickets too, if it was based on my novel... so that's another plus!
Another reason to write a novel is because novelists get MAD respect. Just look at some of the brilliant and dignified individuals who are published fiction writers:
The life of a novelist is glamorous and exciting. I often see them on TV talk shows and is all "WOW, HOW DID YOU GET THE INSPIRATION FOR THAT CHARACTER?" and the writers are all "BLAH BLAH I KNOW A LOT OF BIG WORDS." That should be me out there, touring the talk show circuit and plugging my novel! I'd be all "BLAH BLAH I'M SO INTERESTING BUY MY BOOK."
Really, there's only reason I haven't yet written a novel. I'm lazy. Very lazy. Honestly, I can scarcely summon the will to bathe myself and put on clean underwear (though I suppose I wouldn't be expected to do either of these if I were a professional writer). Writing a novel always seemed like it would require more effort than I was willing to expend. Until now!
I recently discovered that November is National Novel Writing Month, AKA NaNoWriMo. The concept is very simple: NaNoWriMo challenges would-be novelists to conceive, draft and complete a 50,000 word novel is just 30 days. At this very moment, hundreds of talentless hacks are spewing horrible prose into their MacBooks and ThinkPads. Soon, I will be one of those talentless hacks! Since I only just learned about NaNoWriMo, I'm already behind the pace. If I'm going to get this novel done on time, I'll need to get started RIGHT AWAY. Well, right away... after I watch some TV and play a few rounds of Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2007 on my PS2. TIGER TIGER WOODS YA'LL!
As I proceed with this novel, I'll post updates to let you know how it's going. Good novelists suffer for their art. I intend to make you suffer right along with me.
October 21, 2006
Joey Shocks the Monkey
You may have seen this on Slashdot or Stereogum: Peter Gabriel hosted a contest to see who could do the best remix of his hit single from 1982, "Shock the Monkey". Though a winner has already been selected, I felt I had to contribute my own Shock the Monkey remix. I'm calling this the Joey Headset ULTRALITERAL mix. I hope you enjoy it!
July 24, 2006
Poem: Downloading Porn at Starbucks
Looking over the last few months of posts, I'm starting to worry about my image. The "Joey Headset" portrayed on this site watches too much TV, listens to vacuous pop music and probably hasn't read a book since he graduated from college. I will not let this portrayal stand -- I don't care how accurate it is!
In the interest of adding some much needed culture to this site, I'm starting a new "Creative Writings" section. To get this this party started right, I've written a beautiful poem! Poetry is extremely CULTURAL, and very popular among adolescents with low self-esteem (that's my target demographic). Here's my first effort, I hope you enjoy it.
Downloading Porn at Starbucks
a poem by Joseph J. Headset
I've pissed off the baristas
really they should say something
pass along a tersely worded note
invoking corporate policy
it's cool though
the wifi signal here discriminates not
between the lefty blogs, the instant messengers
that occupy the other patrons
the hardcore German fetish she-male bondage porn
perused by ME
while I nurse this Mocha Venti Frappuccino(TM)
got the levels jacked
on these shitty laptop speakers
(NO I DON'T USE HEADPHONES)
so, fellow customers
the sounds of lustful spankings
leather striking spandex covered German ass
moans and dirty talk
(behind the counter,
baristas glare and whisper
dispensing dirty looks
like so much Italian Roast)
I paid five dollars for this stupid drink
five dollars for this fucking cup of coffee
I figure I'm entitled now
to sip and sit
enjoy this air conditioning
and, of course
to download all the nasty
the internet provides