March 24, 2006
Everyone's talking about Web 2.0. Nobody actually knows what it is, but everyone is still talking about it. That means it's IMPORTANT - and I care about things that are important.
The whole Web 2.0 concept centers around a new wave of internet applications that are pretty much like the old ones, except better somehow. I've been closely following the Web 2.0 phenomenon, and read dozens of articles on how it will affect the future of communication, education, business and social networking. Yet - despite all this talk - net pundits have neglected to consider the one aspect of Web 2.0 that really matters to most internet users: How it will affect pornography.
Since nobody else is talking about it, I've put together a projection of how Web 2.0 will transform the net-porn experience for ourselves and for our future generations of porn-addicted, sexually dysfunctional children. I'll start the projection from our current technological circumstance: Web 1.0:
Web 1.0, Early Internet: The User launches Web Browser and seeks out pornography via Search Engines. Images load slowly, links frequently broken. Online porn experience often unsatisfactory, but the low price-point and lack of required human interaction is a marked improvement over pre-web porn.
Web 2.0, Advanced Internet: Pr0nBlogs, pRSS Feeds and Porn Aggregators streamline the porn acquisition process. The User no longer searches for porn. Rather, the blogs, feeds and portals have already done all the searching for him. The User merely subscribes to the feeds that feature his own preferred variety of perversion.
Web 3.0, Automated Porn Downloads: Direct human agency is finally eliminated from porn selection/acquisition. Rather than subscribing to Porn Feeds, The User downloads software that analyzes their existing porn library and automatically searches/downloads the porn that is best suited to The User's interests. His dirty, filthy interests.
Web 4.0, Smartporn: Automated Pornseeking software is replaced by Automated Porn Synthesis software. As before, the software analyzes The User's porn library. However, rather than searching the net for existing porn, APS software generates new pornography based on the sexual predilections of The User. California's San Fernando Valley suffers a crushing wave of unemployment as Smartporn renders the entire Adult Film Industry obsolete.
Web 5.0, Realtime Adaptive Smartporn: Advanced Neural Networking Algorithms and User Biofeedback eventually lead to a fully adaptive version of Smartporn. It knows what you want, when you want it. Pornography now modulates itself in reaction to the physiological responses of The User. The line between Porn and User becomes dangerously fuzzy.
Web 6.0, Porn Attains Sentience: The symbiosis between Porn and User eventually results in a fully conscious, self-aware Porn Singularity (probably initiated by some random power surge). Even shameless pervs find this development worrisome.
Web 7.0, ??????: Unclear what happens next. Perhaps in the future (as in Soviet Russia), Porn downloads YOU.
February 21, 2006
New Products for You to Try!
If you don't buy lots of stuff, it's like the neo-communists have already won! If you've got a few extra dollars burning a hole in your fannypack, try these exciting new products:
Hylexin: A medicine that combats dark circles beneath your eyes; "serious dark circles". Not to be confused with comical or decorative dark circles, such as those worn by the members of Kiss. Hylexin is classified as a "cosmeceutical".
Activia: It's yogurt with friendly bacteria that are sensitive to the special digestive needs of women. These bacteria are attentive and want to talk about your feelings and will rub your bloated feet, expecting nothing sexual in return. Activa is classified as a "yogurceutical".
Cracktiva: You smoke this product and get very, very high. Cracktiva is classified as a Class A Controlled Substance.
February 10, 2006
Recently, I've seen TV ads for a movie called Running Scared. At first I was thrilled: I thought it was a remake of the excellent 1986 Billy Crystal/Gregory Hines film of the same name. After all, 2006 does mark the 20th anniversary of Running Scared - the finest cop/buddy movie of all time (screw you Lethal Weapon - you destroyed your legacy with all those shitty sequels).
So badly I wanted to revisit Ray Hughes and Danny Costanzo, those two crazy streetwise Chicago cops who tend bar by day and fight drug dealers (played by Jimmy Smits) by night! Sadly:
THE 2006 MOVIE RUNNING SCARED IS NOT A REMAKE OF THE AWESOME 1986 CLASSIC!
And it's a damn shame, too. I was even hoping Michael McDonald's original Running Scared theme song, "Sweet Freedom", might get a cover treatment by John Mayer (or some other jackass who is likely to grow a bushy white beard 20 years from now, crapping all over Motown's entire back catalog).
January 30, 2006
Brokeback Mountain Sequel?
It's official: American women love them some gay cowboys!
Brokeback Mountain is filling movie theaters across the country, particularly in conservative rural and suburban markets - and the audiences are overwhelmingly female. What is it about this film that so appeals to them? It's hard to say. Personally, I think that the movie touches upon a common fantasy of heterosexual women - that their boyfriends and husbands could find some means of expressing their latent homosexuality that doesn't involve smacking them around, secretly browsing gay porn or watching Bill O'Reilly on television.
Now that Hollywood sees that a thought-provoking, controversial art film can actually make money, will they put more money behind thought-proviking films and filmmakers? Fuck no! Instead, they will try to squeeze every last drop of blood out of the gay cowboy concept. Step one: rush to produce a sequel to Brokeback Mountain. A friend of mine who works for a major film studio has forwarded me a number of scripts that are being considered for production. A few of the stronger ones include:
Brokeback Mountain 2: On the Down Low
Question: What could be better than gay cowboys? Answer: Gay BLACK Cowboys! Directed by Spike Lee and featuring Wesley Snipes and DMX in the starring roles, BM2: On the Down Low is certain to match - maybe even surpass - the popularity of the original film. Either that, or it will go straight to DVD and effectively end the careers of Wesley Snipes and DMX. Really, it could go either way.
Brokeback Mountain 2: The Legend of Curly's Wang
Billy Crystal and what's left of Jack Palance join Jake Gyylnhaaall and Heath Ledger in this zany sequel to Brokeback Mountain. During one of their sodomy-tastic trips up the mountain, the boys discover a treasure map! Following the clues left on this cryptic document, Heath and Jake run into a neurotic New Yorker (Crystal) and some really old guy (Palance). Will they discover the secret of Curly's Wang... or will they just have lots of hot gay sex? Either way, viewers are sure to be highly entertained. And aroused (if you're into that sort of thing).
BM II: You Got Served, Cowboy
Question: What could be better than gay cowboys? Answer: Gay DANCING Cowboys! Rival crews (er, posses) of gay cowboy line dancers compete to see who has the dopest, gayest moves in rural Wyoming. The cast would likely include former members of various defunct boybands. They work cheap.
No matter which of these gets selected for production, I will sleep better at night knowing that bored, middle-class women will soon get another fix of gay cowboy cinema. Anything that might help ween them off of insipid Meg Ryan movies can't possibly be a bad thing.
January 05, 2006
2006 Preview: Television
Hot off the heals of our 2006 Fashion Preview, it's high time that we examined...
Television in 2006
You may have seen promos for the new Jenna Elfman comedy on CBS, "Courting Alex". As the former Dharma and Greg star bares her midriff in a variety of revealing outfits, viewers quickly learn two things about Ms. Elfman's post-Dharma career:
1. She's been doing a lot of sit ups.
2. She's still not funny.
What you probably don't know about Jenna's new show is that it's part of a new trend that will be huge in 2006. You see, "Courting Alex" is actually the American version of a British comedy called "According to Bex". Of course, this is nothing new. American TV has been borrowing ideas from the Brits for a while now, most notably with NBC's The Office and (much less successfully) Coupling. It's not surprising that American networks would want to create new shows based on successful British programs. But... According to Bex wasn't a successful program for the BBC. When the program aired on the BBC 1, it was beaten in the ratings by another network showing 100 year old archival footage. Clearly, American TV executives have finally exhausted the world's supply of good ideas for television programs. Starting in 2006, they will start ripping off all the bad ideas. Bad news for you, great news for me. You see, over the years, I've come up with literally thousands of terrible ideas for television programs. Every week I would grab a crayon and scrawl a few dozen of them on an old copy of the Weekly World News and send them to prominent TV executives. Now that bad ideas are in demand, I'll finally be able to see some of my own visions come to life on prime time TV. I can't wait!
Also on CBS, Tom Cavanagh stars in the new series "Love Monkey", based on the popular novel of the same name. If you loved Cavanagh when he starred in NBC's "Ed", then... God, what the fuck is wrong with you? To be fair, the Canadian born actor seems to be much less annoying in this new series... but even 25% of really fucking annoying is still pretty fucking annoying. Do the math.
In the series, Cavanagh plays "a 30-something up and coming single record executive who's navigating the tumultuous and highly amusing waters of work and dating in NYC" Not just amusing, folks - highly amusing. If you're wondering why the show is called Love Monkey, the pilot episode incorporates a lot of simian metaphors; the protagonist "swings from branch to branch", and fears ending up "one lonely monkey". But will the show's writers be able to sustain these monkey references as the series progresses? Doesn't matter... no one will be watching.
Finally, Joey Headset is a HUGE fan of Saturday Night Live. Well, I was a fan. Back when I was, like, 12 years old and staying up until midnight still had some novelty value. Nevertheless, I was thrilled when a friend of mine at NBC forwarded me a list of new recurring characters that will be featured on SNL in 2006. The recurring character sketch has been a staple of SNL since the beginning. Back in the day, it was a way to let talented comedians such as Eddie Murphy and Steve Martin develop a character over the course of multiple sketches. These days, it's more of an efficiency thing; a means of turning one (marginal) joke into a dozen (marginal) sketches. According to this list, here are some new SNL characters that will soon be making America laugh:
- Guy who repeats a particular phrase over and over again.
- Lady who confuses one bodily fluid with another.
- Guy who uses the word Homogenized so often in casual conversation, he abbreviates it by saying "Homo" instead (and people get mad and stuff).
- Lady with scar on face who can't stop laughing at her own jokes, frequently finds that she is the only one laughing.
Fortunately for us all, 2006 will bring a cornucopia of mindless, pandering entertainment product. And when it comes right down to it, what else does life have to offer?
December 31, 2005
2006 Preview: Fashion
If I had to choose one word to describe the year 2005, that word would be "awesome". The last 12 months were filled with countless milestones in music, film, and neuroscience. It may well have been the Bestest Year EVAR. Will 2006 be even better?
No. It won't.
I've looked into it, and I can confidently say that 2006 will be 42% less awesome than 2005. Sorry - not my fault. Well, mostly not my fault. Even though 2006 will almost certainly suck living crap compared to 2005, there are a few interesting trends heading our way in the year to come. So, instead of doing the same stupid "year end lists" that all the other sites are doing, please enjoy this Official 2006 Preview. It's like a year end list - in reverse!
Let's kick it off with a look at...
Fashion in 2006
Wherever I go, the people keep asking me: "OMG what's Joey Headset going to be wearing in 2006?!?!" And every time they ask, I always answer with these two words. SEAFOAM GREEN. If you care about style, if looking good is important to you, here's what you need to do: Take your entire wardrobe, every pair of cargo pants, every button down polo shirt... every miscellaneous sock, and throw it all into a giant sack. Then set that sack on fire. The only threads anyone with taste will be rocking next year will be seafoam green.
"But wait," you might ask, "What labels should I buy, what designers?" Doesn't matter, just as long as it's seafoam green (or as I like to call it, The Color of Dreams).
Another fashion tip for my style-conscious readers: 2006 will be The Year of Corduroy. But not just any old cords. Next year will be all about smooth, sexy horizontal cords - produced by the Cordarounds Corporation! Traditional, vertical Corduroys generate a "groinal friction effect" which can cause uncomfortable burning sensations down there. Horizontal Cordarounds decrease friction, allowing wearers to look awesome without sacrificing below-the-belt comfort.
Finally, a trend that that is certain to rock the world of fashion in '06 is a movement I am calling "NASCAR Chic". You remember NASCAR Dads, right? Imagine them if they were really, really pretentious. And occasionally sober. By March, every hipster bar in Manhattan will look like Quarter Beer Night at Scooter's Left-Turn Grill in Charlotte, NC. Better buy a few dozen Dale Earnhardt t-shirts now, before they start selling them for $675 a pop at Armani.