March 29, 2007

Niche Racism

Racism used to be EASY. Back in "the day", you could make vicious, ignorant generalizations about blacks, Chinese, Mexicans -- without fear of offending anyone. Well, anyone besides the blacks, Chinese and Mexicans. I suppose THEY might have gotten offended. But even if they did, nobody cared... other than them. Bigotry was everywhere, and because it was everywhere, it just wasn't a big deal. Life was sweet (for racist assholes)!

Those halcyon days have up and gone -- just ask Mel Gibson. These days, you make one tiny little comment about Jews being "responsible for all the wars in the world" and everybody jumps down your booze-soaked throat! It's getting to the point where bigotry is more trouble than it's worth.


Well put, Mel! If you're brave enough to maintain your ignorant, racist ways in the face of universal repudiation, then so can we all.

But it won't be easy. The bread and butter racism of yesteryear just doesn't WORK anymore. For instance, you can't go around saying terrible things about black people. There are SO MANY OF THEM! They'll boycott your chicken restaurants, diss you in rap songs. Maybe they'll just put a cap in yo ass. In fact, I'll probably get a cap in my ass just for writing those last two sentences. And deservedly so! Face it, all the minorities that racists used to slander have gained significant power and influence. If you make cracks about them, they're likely to crack you back.

So, what's the alternative? Once again, our friend Mel Gibson has the answer. Recently Mr. Gibson was confronted by a college professor who claimed his most recent film, Apocalypto, was racist. Racist... against Mayans. She's right, of course. Yet... Whereas Gibson's anti-semitic remarks caused a massive backlash, his campaign to portray Mayans as ultraviolent savages with a taste for human sacrifice was largely ignored. This is hardly a surprise. Do you know any Mayans? I sure don't. It's a dead culture, right? Outside a handful of academics and activist types, nobody cares what you say about Mayans.

This is a perfect example of what I like to call Niche Racism. A Niche Racist is filled with prejudice and hate, but aims all that vitriol at marginal groups: dead cultures, sub-minorities, people who eat at Arby's. If you're looking to dangle your toes in the waters of bigotry, Niche Racism might be just the thing for you! All you have to do is select an appropriate group to hate. If you find yourself at a loss, here are a few suggestions.

The Swiss: Fuck the Swiss! They're a bunch of chocolate munching, clock-tinkering pansies, with their ridiculous pocketknives and lame-ass policy of political neutrality. And isn't it about time that blonde, blue-eyed people got a taste of the same medicine they've been dishing out to the swarthier races for hundreds of years? I think it is. Plus, when targeting the Swiss for racist abuse, you'll never have to choose between burning a cross or burning a Swiss flag. The Swiss flag IS a cross. So convenient!


Set this puppy on fire and it's like you're getting a racist two-fer-one!

Atlanteans: Calm down, I'm not talking about the fine folks who live in Atlanta, Georgia. Everyone knows Joey H. has mad love for all his peeps in HOT-lanta and, generally speaking, for the entire Dirty South region. Holla. Rather, the Atlanteans I'm referring to are residents of the ancient underwater realm of Atlantis. THEY SUCK CRAP. "But Joey," you might ask, "does Atlantis really exist? I thought it was a myth!"

Good point. My response: WHO CARES? So what if Atlanteans are a fictitious race from a mythical land? Doesn't mean I can't hate them. Anyway, who the fuck chooses to live under the sea? The only people I can think of are The Snorks, and everyone knows they were nothing but cheap rip-offs of the Smurfs.


SHUT UP SNORKS. Anyway, everyone knows that Atlantean men like to have sex with SQUID. Disgusting.

The Mongols: I don't know much about this ancient tribe that once controlled the largest contiguous empire in history. But remember: racism isn't about knowing things, it's about HATING things. Nothing makes you feel more powerful than pissing (metaphorically) all over such a powerful dynasty! In the 13th Century, I could have been flayed alive for calling Genghis Khan's Mongols "smelly little bitches with ugly beards". But Genghis ain't around no more, and his empire is well contained within Mongolia -- a landlocked country with virtually no arable land.


Aging Australian Movie Stars: Strictly speaking, middle aged Australian film actors are not a race/ethnicity. So if you go around trashing them, it's not racism. Not exactly. But, considering what ignorant, gay-bashing, anti-semitic douchebags Australian actors appear to be, you really can't go wrong insulting them.


We'll make an exception in your case, Crocodile Dundee. Your hilarious antics helped America defeat Communism and taught us all a valuable lesson about the importance of carrying a VERY LARGE KNIFE.

Posted by Joey at 04:36 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 12, 2007

I (want to) Know Kung-Fu

I've always been jealous of people who know martial arts. The kicking, the punching... occasionally the groping. It's all so freaking cool! Also, I hear it makes you a more complete person. A friend of mine is a black-belt, and he's always extolling the virtues of karate training: how it strengthens your body, helps you develop mental and spiritual discipline. Sounds great! But honestly, I don't care about any of that. I just want to learn how to kick someone's ass. (If I could also learn to rip out a man's heart and show it to him before he dies, that would be a bonus.)

To be clear: I'm not interested in "self-defense". What's the point of learning to beat the crap out of people if you can't crack open a can of whoop-ass until someone else throws the first punch?


Think about it: how many times a week does someone take a swing at YOU? In my case, somewhere in the 3-8 range. More if I happen to visit the Olive Garden that week... but that's still not enough. I've always believed that the best defense is a strong offense -- and if I learn martial arts, I intend to use my skills ALL THE TIME.

The actual training doesn't scare me. If the movies I've seen are accurate, you can learn any martial art in just a few minutes. All you need is some deft editing and a stirring musical theme playing in the background. The part I'm worried about is deciding which martial art I should study. There are SO MANY of them out there! I've done some research into some of the most promising martial arts, and I've broken each down into Pros and Cons to help me choose the one that's right for me.

Ninjitsu (AKA Ninjalistics)

Pros: Stylish black uniform. Training includes armed and unarmed combat, as well as lessons in weather forcasting and demolitions. Used by Ninjas!

Cons: Black uniform gets awfully hot in the summertime. Lots of expensive equipment to buy (have you price-checked shuriken lately?). Too much emphasis on stealth, I'd prefer to kick ass in front of an audience. Centuries old feud with Pirates could cause hassles on the open sea.

Krav Maga (AKA Jew-jitsu)

Pros: Used to train the Israeli military. Efficient and deadly. Teaches you to use any available object as a weapon (always fun!). Your mom always wanted to you settle down with a nice Jewish martial art.

Cons: Might have to learn to speak hebrew. Massive guilt trips from instructor when you miss a training session. Some retailers frown upon using merchandise as improvised weapons (beware of "You Break it You Buy it" policies). Jokes about "jew-fu" could get old really quick. Outside of Israel, how many badass Jews do YOU know?

Gun Kata (AKA Gun-fu)

Pros: Finally, a martial art designed around gunplay! Pulling trigger much easier than flying roundhouse kick. Allows me to incorporate the skills I learned playing all those hours of Duck Hunt.

Cons: Great when attacked by multiple gun-weilding assassins... probably overkill when harassed by some drunk guy at a bar. What happens when you run out of ammo? Though undeniably badass, Gun Kata is a fictitious martial art -- might be hard to find a teacher.


Zui Quan (AKA Drunken Fist)

Pros: Drinking and fighting go together like drinking and driving. Punch with one hand, dial up ex-girlfriends with the other. Binge drinking could SAVE YOUR LIFE. Heck, you had me at "drunken".

Cons: What happens when you run out of beer?

Posted by Joey at 10:35 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

October 18, 2006

Supplementing My Income

I'm always looking for ways to earn a little extra money. Well... "earn" might not be the right word. That suggests I'm willing to work for the money, which isn't really my thing. For this reason, I was thrilled to discover that I could bring in some extra cash playing poker on the internet. I'm not a very good poker player, but there are many players who are even worse than I am! It's pretty easy to take their money. Plus, I don't have to get up from my computer, which is WHERE I KEEP MY PORN.

What a perfect situation. So perfect, congress decided to make it illegal.


You see, Internet Poker is a threat to National Security. Specifically, it threatens our ports -- that's why they added an anti-poker amendment to a port security bill. I'm not sure how poker threatens the ports... maybe they're afraid that customs officials will be so busy "check-rasing the flop" that they won't notice while terrorists smuggle WMDs into the suburbs.

Also, it turns out that gambling is IMMORAL and BAD FOR SOCIETY. The Republicans who passed the law said so, and they're sort of experts when it comes to morality and stuff! Did you know that poker kills over 30,000 people every year? Wait... no, that's firearms, and we all know there's nothing immoral about unrestricted gun ownership. Anyone who says differently is just begging to get shot.

The good news for me is that the internet poker law can't be effectively enforced. I could easily continue playing without fear of imprisonment. But if poker truly is immoral, I should find a new method of supplementing my income... one that is harmonious with the moral values of our Republican congress. War Profiteering seems to be pretty popular -- particularly among the people who voted to make poker illegal. But how am I supposed to make money off of people murdering each other overseas? I can't even make money off of people killing each other here in the US. Believe me, I've tried.

I heard that some people get paid NOT to grow corn... that sounds like something I could do. I'm already very good at not growing corn! However, I think you have to live in the middle of the country and own a crapload of land in order to get money for not growing stuff. I think that's totally unfair, but there's nothing I can do about it.

Fortunately, I just devised a great money making plan that beats war profiteering AND scamming agricultural subsidies:


A new and ultra-conservative Supreme Court is gearing up to overturn Roe Vs. Wade -- the court case that established abortion as a constitutional right. Once they do that, most states will pass all sorts of laws preventing doctors from performing procedures that would terminate a pregnancy. This is where I step in! Every prohibition creates a black market, and you know that women aren't going to stop getting themselves knocked up just because a bunch of angry old men took away their "Plan B". This is where your boy Joey steps in!

I know that most people think that abortion is a "medical procedure" that should be performed by "real doctors" with "medical training". But if the government makes the procedure illegal for doctors, I'm guessing these preggo bitches will have to take what they can get. And what they can get is ME. Anyway, how hard can it be to terminate a pregnancy? Can't be any harder than causing a pregnancy, and that shit's so easy, you can do it accidentally.


Obviously, I'd need to to a little research... mostly to figure out which part of a woman's body contains the fetus (or "baby sac" as it is more commonly known). I'm pretty sure the fetus is near the femur, but I'll need to double-check that. Once I track down the baby-zone, all I need to do is [CENSORED, SEE COMMENTS FOR MORE INFORMATION]. It's that simple! And these don't have to be "back-alley" abortions. We could do them anywhere: in basements, garages... behind the dumpster out by Applebee's. It's all good!

I really feel good about my new part-time gig. Abortion is lucrative, ethical and I figure it's a great way of meeting young women who aren't afraid to "give up the booty". I mean, that's how they ended up preggers in the first place.

It is... isn't it?

Posted by Joey at 05:00 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack