August 04, 2006

Ask Joey: Jealousy

It's time for another exciting edition of "Ask Joey", the internet's very first unsolicited advice column. If you have problems, I'm here to dispense some Tough Love (often excluding the Love part).

When I do "Ask Joey", I usually track down a question that was asked and answered in some other advice column -- then I post my own sarcastic and unnecessarily vicious response. It's what I do. However, the question this month comes from one "Refined Heroine", a woman who is having some jealousy issues. It's a common problem, but here's the twist: Miss Heroine actually sent this question directly to me! Honestly, I wasn't expecting this. Posting a typical (abusive) response just doesn't seem right in this situation. Therefore, I'm going to try something rather different: a sincere attempt to provide useful advice!

Here's the question:

Hi Joey,

Your blog always makes me wonder how much I need to learn to blur the boundary between being sarcastic and being funny.

Ok, here is my question. When i'm in a relationship, it's very easy for me to be jealous. I know it is not good but I just can't help it. I can't see the pics of his exgirls. He has printed a lot and I want to stick them together.

Can you give me some advice about how not to be jealous?

Best,
Refined Heroine

Interesting question! Here's my response:

Dear "Refined Heroine": First of all, thanks for visiting the site! Personally, I've never learned to blur the line between sarcasm and humor. In fact, I refuse to concede that such a boundary exists. This may explain why people often express a desire to "kick my ass".

Regarding your question: You are not alone! When you're in a relationship, it's very easy to succumb to jealousy. Especially when your boyfriend's ex-girls are all skank ass bitches, which I take it they are. If your man is too embarrassed to let you see photos of his previous girlfriends, one must assume that these girls are shameless ho-bags of the highest degree. For this reason, I don't see a problem with your jealousy here. From what you're telling me, you have every right to be jealous. Men do enjoy the company of skank bitches, and God knows that skank bitches enjoy the company of men. In your situation, I'd be jealous too.

Now, when you say "He has printed a lot and I wanted to stick them together", I can't say if this is a good idea or not because I'm not sure what you're talking about. Your boyfriend has printed images of his exes, and you intend to bind them all together using some kind of adhesive? This sounds OK to me... just be sure to use a well ventilated room. You really don't want to suck down too much of those adhesive fumes!


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If you need advice, Joey Headset is here for YOU! Just send your questions to any major advice columnist. If they publish your question and Joey stumbles upon it, he may post a response on this very website! Alternately, you could try emailing your question directly to Joey at this address: joey (at) joeyheadset.com.

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June 20, 2006

Ask Joey

It's time for another exciting edition of Ask Joey, the internet's very first unsolicited advice column. You have questions, I have answers... does it really matter that you never specifically asked those questions of me? I sure don't think so!

This month, our question comes from "Rejected", an anonymous teenage girl. She sent this question to the fine folks at Campus Life, a Christian magazine for Christian youths:

Dear College Life: Every time I tell a guy I like him, I end up feeling rejected and alone. Not only do they always say they don't like me, but one guy even told me that I was ugly and no one would like me! I just can't seem to get over that. I really want a boyfriend, and I am becoming very self-conscious. I worry a lot about how I look and what people think of me. There's a guy I have a huge crush on, and my friends asked him if he thinks I'm pretty. He said no, and I started feeling bad all over again. In our True Love Waits class, we were asked to write down what's important to us in a guy, and he's everything I'm looking for. But I've been rejected again. Sometimes I wonder if God just doesn't want me to be with anyone and I'm just supposed to be single for the rest of my life. I feel like giving up.

The magazine attempted to answer this question, but delivered nothing more than useless platitudes and Biblical citations. As an act of public service (or "Mitzvah", as the Christians would say), I will provide a REAL answer to this heartfelt question:

Dear "Rejected": You sound like a smart girl! As a smart girl, you can probably determine whether or not you're ugly all by yourself. It's really not that hard to figure out. Go and get yourself any fashion magazine. Look at the photos of all those HOT models and compare those women to what you see in the mirror. If you're not seeing a strong resemblance, chances are you're one big steaming pile of ugly! The fact that boys don't want any part of THAT ASS confirms your suspicions. Remember, boys are incredibly shallow. If you weren't ugly, you'd be getting all the attention you could handle. Fuck it, girl, you've already had two boys tell you STRAIGHT UP that your face makes them want to puke. How much more evidence do you need?

All signs point to the fact that you are totally repulsive. However, this doesn't mean that no one will ever love you. Your real problem is the whole "I'm a Good Christian Girl" thing. That's SO played out. If you looked like Angelina Jolie, maybe you could get away with that shit... you could find a Good Christian Boy who is willing to "wait" for you. But you don't look like Angelina, and ain't no one waiting for you to give up the booty when that booty ain't shit to begin with.

If you really want a boyfriend, I've got two words of advice for you:

PUT OUT!!!

It doesn't matter how ugly you are; if you earn a reputation as a girl who gives it up on the cheap, the boys will come a-flocking. You won't just have "a boyfriend", you'll have boyfriends -- dozens of them, if you play your cards right! Sure, you may catch a few dirty looks when you stumble into True Love Waits class. But at least you'll know that you're getting some and they SO aren't. That makes you prettier than them... in God's eyes, and in everyone else's.

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If you need advice, Joey Headset is here for YOU! Just send your questions to any major advice columnist. If they publish your question and Joey stumbles upon it, he may post a response on this very website! Alternately, you could try emailing your question directly to Joey at this address: joey (at) joeyheadset.com.

Posted by Joey at 01:12 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

April 22, 2006

Ask Joey

As you already know, I am a very wise person. I always know what other people should do. I never seem to know what I should do, but when it comes to the lives of friends and acquaintances, I'm infallible. I'm like the Pope, except without the cool hat.

For this reason, I've decided to start up my very own advice column!

"But Joey, who's gonna ask you for advice? You are an asshole and nobody cares what you think about anything. NOBODY!"

Good point! Fortunately, I've found a way around this. Until such time as I can get other people to ask me for advice, I'm going to borrow (ie. steal) questions that have been asked of lesser advice columnists, and provide my own superior responses.

Let's kick off this new feature with a question that was sent to America's premier advice columnist, Dear Abby:

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ron," and I are at odds over parenting our 7-year-old son, "Brett." My husband is very domestic. He cooks like a world-class chef and does more housework than any man I know of.
I have read Dr. James Dobson's books on family. He clearly states that a father should be the manly role model for the son, to prevent the son from being homosexual. I'm concerned that Brett will learn feminine ways from my husband and turn out to be gay. How can I convince Ron that he needs to teach Brett the more manly things in life? -- WORRIED MOM IN FLORIDA

Dear Abby's response to this question was stupid and worthless. Here's MY response:

DEAR FLORIDA FAG-HAG: Your husband sounds like a total homo, and your son will surely turn out the same way if you don't do something about it. First of all, why is "Ron" doing all the cooking and housework in your home? What the hell are you doing all day, watching Oprah and sucking down bon-bons? Why don't you drag your fat ass off the sofa and start cooking and cleaning like a WOMAN is supposed to. Stupid bitch.

Once you and the Ronster have your gender roles sorted out, your husband will need to demonstrate his manliness at every opportunity. I would suggest that you invite "Brett" into the bedroom during you and Ron's lovemaking sessions. Your son needs to see how a man TAKES CARE OF BUSINESS. Also, it would be a good idea to let the kid see your hubby smack you around from time to time -- just so he knows who's in charge.

Of course, even if you do all this, there's a fair chance that the damage has already been done. Your son "Brett" may already be A Homosexual. If this is the case, I'd suggest you consult Dr. James Dobson's excellent book, "God's Tough Love: How to Beat the GAY Out of Your Child".

If this doesn't work, you'll need to think "outside the box". When I was growing up, my father caught me smoking in the alley behind our house. As punishment, he made me smoke a whole carton of Lucky Strikes! I never smoked again! Perhaps you should try a similar technique with your own child. Get Ron (and, if necessary, some of his friends) to sodomize your son continuously for 16 hours.

Scared Straight, indeed!

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If you need advice, Joey Headset is here for YOU! Just send your questions to any major advice columnist. If they publish your question and Joey stumbles upon it, he may post a response on this very website! Alternately, you could try emailing your question directly to Joey at this address: joey (at) joeyheadset.com.

Posted by Joey at 04:43 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack