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February 21, 2008

Your Next Cuban Dictator

After nearly 50 years in power, Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro has resigned. I guess the US economic embargo of Cuba (enacted in the early 1960s) was ultimately effective. THESE THINGS TAKE TIME PEOPLE!

Anyway, with Castro stepping down, there's a serious power vacuum in the country. Officially, the reigns of power have been handed over to Fidel's brother Raul. However, this seems like more of an interim arrangement than a permanent solution. To be blunt: you can't have a guy named Raul running your country. It's just too ridiculous, nobody would ever take you seriously. Come to think of it, Fidel is a pretty silly name too, but at least he was smart enough to execute and imprison thousands of political dissenters. That sort of thing gets you taken seriously pretty quick. But with a name like Raul, Castro's baby bro would have to massacre the entire population of Cuba, PLUS half the residents of Miami before anyone would stop giggling at the mention of his name. That's just not feasible.

But who has the COJONES to pick up where Fidel left off?


That's right, Cubans: I'm throwing my sombrero into the ring to be YOUR next Cuban Dictator. SHUT UP I KNOW THAT CUBANS DON'T WEAR SOMBREROS I'M NOT AN IDIOT.

Anyway, I feel I possess the skills and abilities that would make me an excellent candidate for the Cuban Dictator position. Here are just a few of the reasons why I should be hired for the job:

I've got the LOOK: Say what you will about Fidel Castro, the man has style.


Like Fidel, I buy most of my clothes from Military Surplus catalogs. Plus, I look great with a beard! Enough said.

I've got Madd Skillz: To be an effective dictator, you must possess keen analytical and organizational skills. I don't have either of these, but I'm very good at delegating authority. By delegating, of course, I mean "getting other people to do my job and taking credit for it". I'm also very good at blaming other people every time I fuck something up. This is an important skill because I tend to fuck stuff up quite often.

The final, and most compelling reason why I should be put in charge of Cuba is because...

I'm Sort of a Dick: Ask anyone who knows me. I'm an ass. Like Fidel Castro, most Americans despise me and anxiously await my demise. The CIA has attempted to assassinate me on at least three occasions, two of which involved getting me drunk and putting me behind the wheel of a car (at least that's what I told the judge). Really, the only thing that has prevented me from committing the sort of abhorrent atrocities you'd expect from a world class tyrant is the fact that I have no real power to speak of. If anyone ever made the mistake of putting me in a position of power, I promise I would abuse that power in the most shameful manner imaginable.


Cuban citizens, I ask you: by whom would you rather be oppressed: some jackass named Raul who only got the job because he's the brother of the last guy who crushed you with an iron fist... OR, some jackass who runs a website nobody likes and spends most of his free time watching TV and downloading pornography off the internet? I, Joey Headset, am uniquely qualified to provide you with another 50 years of the despotism and crushing poverty you've come to expect from your leader. I know you'll make right choice. Or at least you would, if anyone actually bothered to give you one.

Posted by Joey at February 21, 2008 08:03 AM

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