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February 14, 2008

Things Not to Say

Today is St. Valintine's Day, the second most romantic holiday of the year! The only holiday that's more romantic is Mother's Day. And why is that?

BECAUSE I ALWAYS SPEND IT WIT' YO MAMMA! HAHAHAHAHA BURNINATORZ!11!!1!!!elevn!!

Seriously though, Valentine's Day is very important for people who are in relationships. Particularly men, who are expected to take their lady friends to fancy restaurants and shower them in chocolates and flowers, as well as various topical creams and lotions. It's pretty disgusting, really.

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Now I can't help you decide what to buy for your girl on this special day, but I can give you a piece of advice that should serve you well during this romantic holiday:

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

No, seriously. Shut your smoochy hole. Nothing ruins a romantic night quicker than when you say something stupid. Believe me, I speak from EXPERIENCE. I've even assembled a list of comments that, in my experience, men should never ever EVER say to women. Not during Valentine's Day, and not any other day either. So that you might learn from my mistakes, I present this list to you:

"When I said you eat like a pig, I meant that you eat with great enthusiasm!"

"I thought you were asking if you looked PHAT in that dress. Word, yo."

"I only said your sister was hot to be polite. And I only slept with her because I was bored."

"Baby, it's not that I don't listen to you. It's just that the things you say are very boring and my mind can't retain them for longer than 15 seconds."

"I didn't give you syphilis. If you think about it, it's more like you borrowed syphilis from me."

"I'd love to come over and watch Grey's Anatomy with you... but unfortunately, I'm going to be very busy that night doing quite literally anything else."

"Please don't interrupt me while I'm watching commercials."

"I only come home drunk because you expect me to sleep with you."

"If I was really having an affair, why would I be spending all this money on hookers?"

"The only reason I've got all this porn is so that I can decide what size implants I want you to get."

"I tried to save you some of the coke, but Crystelle snorted it all before I could stop her. That's why I was spanking her when you got in."

"Yes, I am sure I gave your mother the correct directions. MapQuest is very accurate about the location of federal prisons."

"If you force me to wear a condom, isn't it like the Pro-Lifers have already won?"

"Yeah, I asked for the Happy Ending at the massage parlor. What, you'd have me end a perfectly good massage with a tragic ending?"

"Where I come from, 'stupid bitch' is a term of endearment. That's just how we roll in suburban Connecticut."

"I didn't hear you complaining about animal testing when you bought your fancy shampoos and cosmetics. But I donate JUST ONE of your cats for medical experimentation... and look who's suddenly the big animal rights activist!"

"I'm registered on that sex offender list for the same reason I'm registered with Selective Service. Because I love America. (And because some 14 year olds look really mature for their age)."

"You know, you look really hot when your mouth is shut."

Posted by Joey at February 14, 2008 04:17 AM

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