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February 05, 2008

Idea Crisis 2008: Oh the Horror

Let's take a look at two very recent films, both within the so-called horror genre.

The Eyes: Jessica Alba stars as a blind woman who regains her vision through a revolutionary eye-implant procedure. The only catch: her new eyes are EVIL EYES and allow her to SEE WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!

One Missed Call: Shannon Saucsornmoome stars as a young woman who owns a cell phone and often likes to receive voice messages. The only catch? Her voice mail service is EVIL and allows her to HEAR WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO DIE! Or something.

Does this sound familiar? It should. It's been done before. For instance, there's the 2002 film The Ring. Starring Naomi Watts, this film was about a video tape that TELLS YOU WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. And that, in turn, was a remake of a japanese film. It was basically the same film, except that in the Japanese version, the cursed video cassette was Betamax instead of VHS. Also I think there were mecha.

At this point, it seems like Hollywood screenwriters have resorted to wandering around Best Buy, picking random gadgets that could potentially TELL [a film's protagonist] WHEN THEY ARE GOING TO DIE!

Since the writers are still on strike, I figure I can pick up their slack by churning out derivative and idiotic screenplays. Since I'm "no longer welcome" in my local Best Buy, I strolled through a nearby strip mall for inspiration. Here are some promising horror movie concepts I came up with:

Death Toaster: It's a toaster. THAT TELLS YOU WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. Hapless, photogenic teenagers come upon a cursed toaster that dooms them to a horrible death, as well as a dull breakfast.


Curse of the Fortune Cookie: At a popular chinese restaurant, they're serving dumpings... with a side of DOOOOM. Each meal ends with a cursed fortune cookie that TELLS YOU WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO DIE... IN BED!

Donut of Doom: A delicious jelly donut that squirts jelly in such a way that TELLS YOU WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO... you know what, I'm sorry -- I just can't do this anymore. Cursed donuts are too stupid, even for me. At this point, I'm pretty sure that sniffing glue is my best entertainment option.

Posted by Joey at February 5, 2008 07:45 AM

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I think you missed out on the most obvious one of all: the web 2.0 service that tells you when you are going to die, shares that information with your friends (selling ad space to the bereavement industry), and then sells the information to life insurance agencies for a healthy profit. The chilling end is when the service is acquired by and incorporated into Yahoo.

Posted by: Prairie Dogg at February 5, 2008 06:42 PM

Right. And Yahoo! is about to get purchased by Microsoft. So, in this nightmare version of the future, Bill Gates will possess total control of Life and Death.

Posted by: joey at February 6, 2008 04:21 AM

And then he'll copyright and patent his control and at that point we have a similar Apocolyptic scenario as described in the first Monday Spew!

Everything ties to Joey...

Posted by: Marcus Pan at April 2, 2008 02:53 AM

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