February 27, 2008
TV Review: Quarterlife
Let me take you back to simpler time. The 1990s, when flannel covered our asses and the grunge flowed like wine. In the 90s, we believed that people in their mid-20s were creative, interesting and bound to change the world.
Now that it's 2008, we know that we were wrong. So very wrong. And, as they say, "those who cannot learn from history are doomed to be ignorant jackasses." And if NBC's Quarterlife is any indication, ignorant jackasses are well represented in the TV industry. But, of course, we already knew that.
So, Quarterlife is brought to us by the same people who brought us My So-Called Life: the most overrated television program of all time.
THAT'S RIGHT FANBITCHES, I SAID IT: MY SO-CALLED LIFE WAS A PILE OF CONDESCENDING IDIOTIC BULLSHIT AND ANYONE WHO SAYS DIFFERENTLY IS A MORON.
Now that that's out of the way, we can talk about the other people that brought us Quarterlife. Well, it's not a person so much as a thing. The internet. You remember the internet, right? It's the thing you're looking at RIGHT NOW. Like most people, I'm a fan of the internet and a fan of TV. But, unlike most people, I believe that the two should never mix. NEVER EVER EVER. I've addressed this issue before, but to summarize: there are some things TV does well and some things the internet does well. When you attempt to put TV on the internet you end up with crappy resolution video streams that stall every five seconds. And when you try to put the internet on TV you end up with something that sort of looks like TV, but is ultimately unsatisfying.
Despite the name, Quarterlife has nothing to do with quarters... which are like my favorite coin EVAR!
Instead, the show focuses on a bunch of twenty-somethings who work in film and media and are all neurotic and miserable. And they all sleep with each other, but all wish they were sleeping with someone else who they're not sleeping with and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH CHANGE THE FUCKING CHANNEL ALREADY.
The show isn't terrible, I guess -- for an internet-based production. The show certainly LOOKS like it was produced for the net, with crappy lighting and not-particularly-attractive actors and actresses. The whole point of publishing content on the net is to put out edgy material that mainstream networks don't have the balls to broadcast. So the very fact that NBC was willing to put it on the air is proof that it was never worthy of the internet. The internet should be for groundbreaking creations like Ask a Ninja and Two Girls One Cup.
Furthermore, the entire show centers around some annoying chick whose main distinguishing characteristic is that she's has a blog. She blogs. She's a blogger. A member of the blog-o-sphere. How original.
If my website, joeyheadset.com, proves nothing else, it proves that bloggers are not interesting, entertaining or worthy of your attention. EVER.
I give NBC's Quarterlife only one and a half Joeys. And that's only because I'm feeling generous.
February 21, 2008
Your Next Cuban Dictator
After nearly 50 years in power, Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro has resigned. I guess the US economic embargo of Cuba (enacted in the early 1960s) was ultimately effective. THESE THINGS TAKE TIME PEOPLE!
Anyway, with Castro stepping down, there's a serious power vacuum in the country. Officially, the reigns of power have been handed over to Fidel's brother Raul. However, this seems like more of an interim arrangement than a permanent solution. To be blunt: you can't have a guy named Raul running your country. It's just too ridiculous, nobody would ever take you seriously. Come to think of it, Fidel is a pretty silly name too, but at least he was smart enough to execute and imprison thousands of political dissenters. That sort of thing gets you taken seriously pretty quick. But with a name like Raul, Castro's baby bro would have to massacre the entire population of Cuba, PLUS half the residents of Miami before anyone would stop giggling at the mention of his name. That's just not feasible.
But who has the COJONES to pick up where Fidel left off?
That's right, Cubans: I'm throwing my sombrero into the ring to be YOUR next Cuban Dictator. SHUT UP I KNOW THAT CUBANS DON'T WEAR SOMBREROS I'M NOT AN IDIOT.
Anyway, I feel I possess the skills and abilities that would make me an excellent candidate for the Cuban Dictator position. Here are just a few of the reasons why I should be hired for the job:
I've got the LOOK: Say what you will about Fidel Castro, the man has style.
Like Fidel, I buy most of my clothes from Military Surplus catalogs. Plus, I look great with a beard! Enough said.
I've got Madd Skillz: To be an effective dictator, you must possess keen analytical and organizational skills. I don't have either of these, but I'm very good at delegating authority. By delegating, of course, I mean "getting other people to do my job and taking credit for it". I'm also very good at blaming other people every time I fuck something up. This is an important skill because I tend to fuck stuff up quite often.
The final, and most compelling reason why I should be put in charge of Cuba is because...
I'm Sort of a Dick: Ask anyone who knows me. I'm an ass. Like Fidel Castro, most Americans despise me and anxiously await my demise. The CIA has attempted to assassinate me on at least three occasions, two of which involved getting me drunk and putting me behind the wheel of a car (at least that's what I told the judge). Really, the only thing that has prevented me from committing the sort of abhorrent atrocities you'd expect from a world class tyrant is the fact that I have no real power to speak of. If anyone ever made the mistake of putting me in a position of power, I promise I would abuse that power in the most shameful manner imaginable.
Cuban citizens, I ask you: by whom would you rather be oppressed: some jackass named Raul who only got the job because he's the brother of the last guy who crushed you with an iron fist... OR, some jackass who runs a website nobody likes and spends most of his free time watching TV and downloading pornography off the internet? I, Joey Headset, am uniquely qualified to provide you with another 50 years of the despotism and crushing poverty you've come to expect from your leader. I know you'll make right choice. Or at least you would, if anyone actually bothered to give you one.
February 14, 2008
Things Not to Say
Today is St. Valintine's Day, the second most romantic holiday of the year! The only holiday that's more romantic is Mother's Day. And why is that?
Seriously though, Valentine's Day is very important for people who are in relationships. Particularly men, who are expected to take their lady friends to fancy restaurants and shower them in chocolates and flowers, as well as various topical creams and lotions. It's pretty disgusting, really.
Now I can't help you decide what to buy for your girl on this special day, but I can give you a piece of advice that should serve you well during this romantic holiday:
No, seriously. Shut your smoochy hole. Nothing ruins a romantic night quicker than when you say something stupid. Believe me, I speak from EXPERIENCE. I've even assembled a list of comments that, in my experience, men should never ever EVER say to women. Not during Valentine's Day, and not any other day either. So that you might learn from my mistakes, I present this list to you:
"When I said you eat like a pig, I meant that you eat with great enthusiasm!"
"I thought you were asking if you looked PHAT in that dress. Word, yo."
"I only said your sister was hot to be polite. And I only slept with her because I was bored."
"Baby, it's not that I don't listen to you. It's just that the things you say are very boring and my mind can't retain them for longer than 15 seconds."
"I didn't give you syphilis. If you think about it, it's more like you borrowed syphilis from me."
"I'd love to come over and watch Grey's Anatomy with you... but unfortunately, I'm going to be very busy that night doing quite literally anything else."
"Please don't interrupt me while I'm watching commercials."
"I only come home drunk because you expect me to sleep with you."
"If I was really having an affair, why would I be spending all this money on hookers?"
"The only reason I've got all this porn is so that I can decide what size implants I want you to get."
"I tried to save you some of the coke, but Crystelle snorted it all before I could stop her. That's why I was spanking her when you got in."
"Yes, I am sure I gave your mother the correct directions. MapQuest is very accurate about the location of federal prisons."
"If you force me to wear a condom, isn't it like the Pro-Lifers have already won?"
"Yeah, I asked for the Happy Ending at the massage parlor. What, you'd have me end a perfectly good massage with a tragic ending?"
"Where I come from, 'stupid bitch' is a term of endearment. That's just how we roll in suburban Connecticut."
"I didn't hear you complaining about animal testing when you bought your fancy shampoos and cosmetics. But I donate JUST ONE of your cats for medical experimentation... and look who's suddenly the big animal rights activist!"
"I'm registered on that sex offender list for the same reason I'm registered with Selective Service. Because I love America. (And because some 14 year olds look really mature for their age)."
"You know, you look really hot when your mouth is shut."
February 11, 2008
Idea Crisis 2008: Sex and the Stupid
So we've seen how Hollywood has run out of ideas vis a vis films. But there's never any shortage of great new concepts for TV shows, right?
That, clearly, was an example of "sarcasm". Sarcasm is an ancient concept -- but it never feels old (if you don't agree, you should probably stop viewing this website immediately). However, there are some ideas that DO get old -- particularly when you keep REGURGITATING them. Ideas for TV shows can go from brilliant to CRAPulent in only a few derivative iterations. In order to see how this happens, I present the following:
Look, I realize that our planet is on the brink of an environmental catastrophe. We must all attempt to reuse, recycle and -- when necessary -- regurgitate. But MUST this apply to television programs as well?
February 05, 2008
Idea Crisis 2008: Oh the Horror
Let's take a look at two very recent films, both within the so-called horror genre.
The Eyes: Jessica Alba stars as a blind woman who regains her vision through a revolutionary eye-implant procedure. The only catch: her new eyes are EVIL EYES and allow her to SEE WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!
One Missed Call: Shannon Saucsornmoome stars as a young woman who owns a cell phone and often likes to receive voice messages. The only catch? Her voice mail service is EVIL and allows her to HEAR WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO DIE! Or something.
Does this sound familiar? It should. It's been done before. For instance, there's the 2002 film The Ring. Starring Naomi Watts, this film was about a video tape that TELLS YOU WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. And that, in turn, was a remake of a japanese film. It was basically the same film, except that in the Japanese version, the cursed video cassette was Betamax instead of VHS. Also I think there were mecha.
At this point, it seems like Hollywood screenwriters have resorted to wandering around Best Buy, picking random gadgets that could potentially TELL [a film's protagonist] WHEN THEY ARE GOING TO DIE!
Since the writers are still on strike, I figure I can pick up their slack by churning out derivative and idiotic screenplays. Since I'm "no longer welcome" in my local Best Buy, I strolled through a nearby strip mall for inspiration. Here are some promising horror movie concepts I came up with:
Death Toaster: It's a toaster. THAT TELLS YOU WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. Hapless, photogenic teenagers come upon a cursed toaster that dooms them to a horrible death, as well as a dull breakfast.
Curse of the Fortune Cookie: At a popular chinese restaurant, they're serving dumpings... with a side of DOOOOM. Each meal ends with a cursed fortune cookie that TELLS YOU WHEN YOU ARE GOING TO DIE... IN BED!
Donut of Doom: A delicious jelly donut that squirts jelly in such a way that TELLS YOU WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO... you know what, I'm sorry -- I just can't do this anymore. Cursed donuts are too stupid, even for me. At this point, I'm pretty sure that sniffing glue is my best entertainment option.