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November 16, 2007

How Arnold can end the strike

The Writer's Strike has been on for over a week now, and it seems no closer to resolution than when it started. Both the writers and studios are trading barbs and recriminations in the press, and neither side seems particularly anxious to restart negotiations. Clearly, there is only one man who can bring this strike to an end.


As Governor of California and a major Hollywood player, nobody is more qualified to end this strike than Arnold Schwarzenegger. On paper, at least. In reality, The Terminator has no actual experience dealing with unions, work stoppages, or economic catastrophes (aside from the catastrophes he personally initiated).

What Schwarzenegger lacks in real-world experience, however, he more than makes up for with his extensive *fictional* experience. A veteran of countless films, Arnold knows a thing or two about conflict resolution. Let's take a moment to consider how the lessons Arnold learned as an actor might translate to effective means of ending this strike, once and for all.

For instance: The strike was initiated by the Writers Guild of America East, the president of which is a man named Michael Winship. Schwarzenegger could travel back in time (totally nude, naturally) to when Winship had yet to be born... and slaughter Winship's pregnant mother. With a machine gun. Then, in a sort of "sequel" to this plan, Arnold could travel back in time again... this time crushing the skull of WGA West president Patric Verrone -- back when he was just a twelve year old boy. With both Writers Guild presidents Terminated, history will unfold rather differently. By 2007 writers will pen scripts for minimum wage, without any complaints -- lest they suffer the wrath of the film studios' army of killer cyborgs.

Though this plan is undeniably AWESOME, it could be hampered by a lack of available time travel technology. Sure, scientists can split the atom and cure gonorrhea, but apparently they can't figure out how to accomplish the simple task of sending a 6'2" Austrian man back in time. Pathetic. However, this is not a problem -- big Ahl's got a few other tricks up his sleeve. He could go undercover as a kindergarten teacher, kidnap the son of AMPTP President, Nick Counter. If Mr. Schwarzenegger sent Mr. Counter one of his child's fingers in the mail every day the strike continued, I think we'd see an end to this thing sooner rather than later. If this is too brutal, Arnold could always Get His Ass To Mars and lead a mutant resistance against the AMPTP. Sure, this plan may require that Arnold take some vicious testicular abuse from Sharon Stone, but it's totally worth it!

If all else fails, I suppose the Governator could don a loin cloth, pick up a HUGE sword and start impaling every writer and/or producer he can find. Facing the very real possibility of brutal decapitation, I'd guess both parties would be much more open to settling this thing.

Posted by Joey at November 16, 2007 07:26 AM

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Oh Joey, I'm sure this sort of nihilistic tripe worked in your prep school newspaper's comedy column but perhaps if you looked past your trust fund that lets face it, is behind most blogger's freedom to write. you might see the issues that drive a strike, that is getting a fair share of digital revenues. Not everyone has the luxury of writing for free, so matter how charmingly sophomoric the effort.

Posted by: eringobiteme at November 16, 2007 07:17 PM

umm... what? You say that as if you think he's actually suggesting that Arnold Schwarzenegger needs to somehow magically end it.

Also, I love how you sort of attempt an insult that doesn't go anywhere. His supposed trust fund is beyond most blogger's freedom to write? What the fuck does that mean?

Posted by: Bob at November 19, 2007 02:45 AM

You know, Bob, the irony is that Eringo's description of my writing as "charmingly sophomoric" is probably the nicest thing anyone has written about me in this site's comments section. Usually they just call me "ASSFACE" and be done with it.

For what it's worth, I'm squarely on the side of the WGA in this strike. They deserve their share of new media/DVD revenues, because that's obviously going to be where more and more of the revenue will be coming from in the future. And if this turns out NOT to be the case, then all the writers are asking for is a small chunk of nuthin (which you'd think the studios would be happy to give them).

The point is, however, that EVERYONE suffers the longer this strike goes on... in particular a lot of people who get laid off when TV productions shut down.

As for my trust fund... where is that exactly? I was really hoping to start rocking some kinda J. Schwartz "OC"/"Gossip Girl" lifestyle.

Posted by: joey at November 20, 2007 02:40 AM

And BTW, don't you think that if Joeyheadset.com was funded by some big ass trust fund, it wouldn't... you know... suck so bad? I could actually hire professional web designers. And writers. FUNNY WRITERS who would post like 15 times a day like all the really popular sites.

Although, come to think of it, if I did have a trust fund, I wouldn't waste my time with the Blog-O-Sphere. I'd be too busy kicking it with Paris and Lindsey and those adorably simian Olsen twins.

Posted by: joey at November 20, 2007 03:47 AM

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