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October 25, 2007

TV Cancellations

The only thing more exciting than a fresh crop of new TV shows is the impending cancellation of these shows after only a few episodes! Which of YOUR favorite new programs will be the first to crash and burn?

Journeyman: It's Quantum Leap, but with no sense of humor. Also, the entire show seems to be filmed in near-darkness. Perhaps this is to preserve the anonymity of the actors so that they can continue to get work after this piece of crap gets cancelled?

Pushing Daisies: It's Tru Calling, but without the Hott protagonist. Though it hasn't been cancelled yet, obsessive fans have already started signing an internet petition to save it from its inevitable cancellation. And network executives have already started ignoring that petition.

Cavemen: A TV show based on a commercial for car insurance. Worst attempt to integrate advertising with programming since "CSI: Outback Restaurants". I totally lost my appetite for the Bloomin' Onion after that episode where they found a human toe in the dipping sauce. Even as car insurance mascots go, those bitchy cavemen are among the least appealing. I'd rather see a sitcom based on that creepy green lizard.

Big Shots: A shameless ripoff of the British series Manchild, four attractive and successful men get endlessly emasculated. But if I wanted to see grown men getting emasculated, I'd just watch America's Most Hilarious Groin Injuries on ABC Family. Or Grey's Anatomy. Same difference.

Moonlight: A crime fighting vampire! That's never been done before. Well except for that Buffy the Vampire spinoff, "Angel". And the ridiculous -- yet compelling -- vampire cop show, Forever Knight. And I suppose we must also count all the episodes of Law and Order that featured Fred Thompson. But other than that, totally original. Sadly, Moonlight is hampered by a catastrophic casting decision. Prettyboy Australian actor Alex O'Loughlin makes for the least intimidating bloodsucker since Count Chocula. Plus, he possesses none of the Count's charm or magnetic charisma.

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Heroes: Viewers still love this high-concept NBC drama, but it's still in danger of cancellation! The show is in peril due to its constantly increasing complexity. Right now Heroes has 31 "main characters" spread across 17 distinct story lines. And each episode introduces new characters and plotlines. Exciting for fans, but challenging for producers. The scripts are so complicated, they can only be written by an army of 73 writers whose brains are hardwired directly into a network of experimental supercomputers. The brain interface process burns out most writers' cerebral cortexes in a matter of hours, leaving them barely capable of basic communication. (Many have gone on to join the writing staff of Two and a Half Men). If the Writer's Union cracks down on this, NBC producers may switch to cheap Mexican TV writers. In that case, Heroes won't be cancelled, but rather moved to Telemundo.

ER: WTF, ER is still on TV?

Posted by Joey at October 25, 2007 04:06 AM

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