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October 02, 2007


I love me some High Definition TV. Those of you who bothered to read "Get Your Tube On" know that any TV without HD capability should be summarily thrown in the dumpster. And burned. Then urinated upon, to put out the fire. Then burned again. Then nuked from orbit, just to be sure.

The only trouble with HDTV is that there aren't enough HD channels. Watching standard definition programming on an HD set is like masturbating to the Sears catalog when you work at an adult video store. It's just doesn't make sense. This is why DirecTV's recent announcement of new HD channels sent a wave of ecstasy through my very soul. Here are just a few of the channels I'll soon be able to watch in glorious High Definition:

The Weather Channel HD

Finally! For so long, I've been waiting for HD Weather. In standard definition, I couldn't tell a cold front from a high pressure system. Now that The Weather Channel is broadcasting in HD, I feel like the weather is RIGHT THERE IN MY LIVING ROOM. Come to think of it, that may have more to do with the fact that I've got two broken windows and a leaky roof. But still, HD weather RULZ.


In regular definition, Wolf Blitzer is a pompous ass who knows as much about current events as Ryan Seacrest knows about female lady parts. In HD, Wolf is STILL a pompous ass... but his beard is FREAKING AMAZING. The details you can see -- the subtle interplay between light and shadow: like a mystical grey forest! It just happens to grow on the face of an asshole.

Sports in HD

HD was MADE for sports. Ice hockey, the only sport I actually care about, looks fantastic in HD -- so I'm thrilled that the Versus network is finally HD ready. You haven't seen a hockey brawl until you've seen each blood spatter fly through the air in perfect video clarity. With NFL Network, NBA TV and The Golf Channel joining the HD revolution, fans of *boring* sports will also benefit.

HD Edutainment

HD programming isn't merely for our entertainment. It can also be educational. The History Channel, Discovery, The Science Channel and TLC (The Learning Channel) have all begun broadcasting in HD. If I was the sort of person who wanted to learn new things, I would be going apeshit crazy about these new channels. Of course, I'm not that sort of person. At all. But even I can enjoy these channels and their gorgeous visuals -- so long as I make sure I don't learn anything while I'm watching them.

High Definition programming has transformed television from "the opiate of the masses" to the "crystal meth of the masses". And if crystal meth is good enough for all those people in The Heartland, then it's good enough for all of us.

Posted by Joey at October 2, 2007 05:57 AM

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