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October 05, 2007

Fun with Water Restrictions

It's been a hot, dry summer here on the east coast. With the heat and the lack of rain, local reservoirs are at dangerously low levels! If this were a poor country, that would mean death and disease on a catastrophic scale. But since I live in a rich country, I have to endure something even worse: water restrictions. Generally speaking, I'm not the sort of person who follows "laws" or "restrictions" or "biblical commandments". But I've come up with a few FUN-tastic ways of dealing with these water restrictions. If you live in a drought plagued area... or if you just want to be EARTH FRIENDLY, here are my tips for water conservation.

If It's Yellow: One of the first rules of water conservation is "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown flush it down." Truer words were never uttered. But I like to take this to the next level. For me, it's "If it's yellow let it mellow... and if it's brown DON'T HANG AROUND." Flushing a toilet wastes water, so I don't do it. Ever. This is one of many reasons why I never take a dump in the same toilet twice. Usually, I just sneak into my neighbor's apartment while they're at work.

Shower Power: Personal hygiene uses up a huge quantity of water... but conscientious Individuals CAN reduce their water usage. Remember: showers use less water than baths. And Golden Showers use even less than regular ones! Also, the less you bathe, the better. I don't take a shower unless my own personal odor threatens to render me unconscious. I've found that I can delay this inevitable result by days -- even weeks -- by rolling around in sawdust, peanut shells or a pile of sand. Though the moms at the local playground have threatened to call the police if I keep diving into the kids' sandbox.

Squirt Gun Action: One of the worst consequences of water restrictions is how it ruins so many fun outdoor activities. No wading pools, no running through the sprinkler, NO FUN. If you're clever, though, you can find some ways to keep the fun going without wasting precious aqua. Kids and grownups always enjoy a good watergun battle! When I can't use water, I just fill my Sooper-Soaker with paint thinner. Just avoid open flames and try not to aim for the eyes or for any exposed wounds.

Slippery Summer Fun:Everyone like to bust out the old Slip n Slide on a hot summer day, but without liquid lubrication, it's just an ugly plastic tarp in the yard.

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Good news: high viscosity motor oil works just as well as water... and unlike water, we'll NEVER run out of sweet, sweet petroleum! Just remember to change the oil every 3000 slides (or every 5000 slips).

Healthy Refreshment: I don't know about you, but I get thirsty over the summer. Doctors will tell you that you should be drinking 12 glasses of water a day. Whatever. Honestly, how hydrated do you REALLY need to be? Plus, it's a waste of of water! In my experience, Vodka looks very much like water and it's a lot more fun to drink. Kids love it too, particularly when mixed with Kool-Aid.

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Posted by Joey at October 5, 2007 03:42 PM

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