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September 18, 2007

Where the Sun Don't Shine

Do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling? You know, down there?

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No. Not down there. The other down there. It's the down there you're probably sitting on right now.

Yes, that's the one.

Like many Americans, I often wish that I could feel fresher. Especially after my bathroom activities! But, as usual, modern science has let me down. I can't believe that in the year 2007, we're all still using toilet paper: the same ass cleansing technique they used back in the 80's. The freaking 580s. I guess all those scientists are too busy with their AIDS and their Global Warming to figure out a better way for your boy Joey to sanitize his sphincter.

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SWEET TACO EATING JESUS!

It's like I've died and gone to SPARKLING ANUS HEAVEN! The fine folks at the Toto Corporation have used their rectal expertise to design the ultimate post-defication experience: The Washlet. What does this high tech toilet seat do for you and your nether regions? According to their excellent website, cleanishappy.com, the Washlet boasts these luxury functions:


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So, so awesome! And yet... it could be EVEN MORE AWESOMER.

I love the idea of getting a fresh blast of clean water after I've completed my excremental mission. But I'm worried that The Washlet only addresses the surface of the problem, the exterior. For a truly clean feeling -- inside and out -- I need a machine that GETS UP IN THERE and takes care of BUSINESS. If I don't feel a little VIOLATED after my post-defecation clensing, The Washlet clearly isn't doing its job.

Also, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to hook this thing into the water supply in the bathroom. I'd have to call a plumber, and you know how expensive that could get. Wouldn't it be easier to design a model I could just plug into my garden hose?

Finally, there's GOT to be some way a high tech toilet seat could connect to the internet. Maybe it could collect data on my daily... contributions. And then compare them to other Washlet users. Think of it as a High Score list for your bowels. Or, it could take photos of my bowel movements and upload them to the web. In a sense, this fecal blog would be doing literally what most personal blogs have been doing figuratively for years!

But even if the company makes all these changes to The Washlet, there's still a fundamental problem with the device: a lack of portability. Why should I have to get up, walk to the bathroom, drop my pants AND sit down before I can avail myself of the Washlet's functionality? Just thinking about it makes me tired. I'm a busy guy. I've got websites to browse and sitcoms to watch. I need a high tech toilet that goes where I go. If these guys are so freaking smart, why can't they just build the toilet right into my pants? Because it really doesn't matter how nice you make a toilet, if I still have to get up from my TV to use it...

Well, I'd rather just wear a diaper.

Posted by Joey at September 18, 2007 04:47 AM

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