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September 01, 2007

This Week in Revenge Fantasies

I'm an American, God dammit. And, like most Americans, I don't get mad. I get even.

Well. I don't really get even very often. But I spend a lot of time thinking about getting even. Perfect example: just last week, this assbag in an SUV jacked a sweet parking space from me in the Olive Garden parking lot. I didn't say anything to him. But I've spent every waking hour since thinking about RUNNING HIS STUPID ASS OVER WITH HIS OWN SUV AND THEN STOMPING ON HIS STUPID FUCKING FACE!!!!!

This is perfectly natural. The only thing more American than revenge itself is a good old fashioned REVENGE FANTASY. As usual, Hollywood is on top of the national zeitgeist. Theaters are currently offering a variety of films that appeal to the ass-kicking, name-taking, first-shooting, later-question-asking vigilante in each of us. But which cinematic revenge fantasy is right for you? Let's take a look.

Film: War
Cast: Jet Li, Jason Statham
Motivation for Revenge: FBI Agent Must avenge the brutal murder of his partner.
Means of Revenge: Kung Fu. Gunplay. Luring enemy into one of the film's massive and deadly plot holes.
Will Appeal to...: British FBI Agents with madd Kung Fu skills and a recently murdered partner. People with a few hours to kill in the middle of the afternoon.


Film: Death Sentence
Cast: Kevin Bacon, Aisha Tyler, John Goodman
Motivation for Revenge: Dull suburbanite businessman Nick Hume must transform himself into a murderous bad-ass in order to Protect His Family. Middle aged white guy proceeds to slaughter heavily armed drug gang.
Means of Revenge: Knives. Guns. Rage (as substitute for actual combat training).
Will Appeal to...: Very angry people. Very stupid people. People who can deliberately shut off the part of their brain that considers whether something makes sense.

Film: The Brave One
Cast: Jodie Foster, Terrence Howard
Motivation for Revenge: Jodie's fiancee beaten to death by ethnic bad guys (for no particular reason, cuz that's how ethnic bad guys ROLL).
Means of Revenge: Girl power! White power! Also guns.
Will Appeal to...: Militant lesbians. Slightly less militant lesbians. People who were actually able to sit through that Jennifer Lopez movie with roughly the same plot.


Film: Mr. Bean's Holiday
Cast: Rowan Atkinson
Motivation for Revenge: A group of filmmakers construct mind-numbing, insipid "comedy". Their reasons for inflicting this abhorrent film upon audiences remain a mystery.
Means of Revenge: This film.
Will Appeal to...: n/a


Posted by Joey at September 1, 2007 01:35 AM

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Wow, this is actually a decent site. You lure me in with the promises of albino porn (you bastard) and keep me here with the funny. Good business model.

Posted by: Bob at September 9, 2007 01:53 AM

Thanks! It's like I always say:

"Joey Headset: You'll come for the Albino Porn, but you'll stay for the bitchy attempts at humor."

Posted by: joey at September 12, 2007 01:12 PM

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