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September 24, 2007

Movie Review: Good Luck Chuck

The immovable object versus the irresistible force. An omnipotent God versus a stone so heavy even He cannot lift it. Jessica Alba versus Dane Cook.

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Allow me to explain, Cheesehead Lincoln. Good Luck Chuck is the latest in a series of Hollywood films that explore a philosophical conundrum known as the irresistible force paradox. In this particular implementation, we have a woman (Alba) so irresistible no man can take his eyes off her... and a man so repulsive (Cook) it's impossible to for anyone look at him. And they both appear on screen at the very same time!

The result is a movie that is both unwatchable AND ridiculously compelling. Sort of like a Tijuana Donkey Show. But less sophisticated.

The plot of the movie is utterly trite and unworthy of recapitulation. Alba spends most of the film taking her clothes off and smashing her head into things. The latter is intended to funny, the former is intended to be AWESOME. But only one of these two intentions is realized. I'll leave it to you, The Very Clever Joey Headset Reader, to figure out which one it is. Here's a clue:

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OMG JESSICA ALBA IN HER UNDERWEAR SO AWESOME !111!111ELEVEN!!1

Whereas undressed Jessica Alba provides first rate cinematic eye candy, leading man Dane Cook has the opposite effect on male viewers. On the big screen, Cook's face has roughly the same effect that chemical castration is supposed to have on child molesters. Speaking of child molesters, Dane Cook's acting ability rivals that of the To Catch a Predator guys who claim they were "just there to talk".

Of course, there is one thing that Cook and Alba have in common: neither of them are funny. At all. I mean, not even a little bit. For Alba, this isn't a problem. She's hot, so no one expects her to be funny. Dane Cook, however, is billed as a "comedian". Again, not so much. The funniest thing he does in this film is get hit in the nuts by a wild assortment of projectiles. But ANYONE can make you laugh by getting smashed in the crotch. For example, nobody would accuse Senator John Kerry of being a Laff Riot, but if I dropped a bowling ball onto his nads, you better believe that hilarity would ensure! The mark of a true comedic craftsman is the ability to make people laugh WITHOUT sacrificing the man-sack. In this regard, Dane Cook is woefully ill-equipped (both in the comedic ability and the man-sack department).

Eventually, some clever internet person will re-edit Good Luck Chuck so that all you ever see on screen is Jessica Alba. All images of Dane Cook will be replaced by... I dunno, maybe more images of Alba? If they could figure out a way to have her make-out WITH HERSELF, this might become the greatest movie of all time! Until then, I can only give this film 3 Joeys... plus a complementary bag of chips.

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Posted by Joey at September 24, 2007 05:09 AM

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