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September 11, 2007

Brave New Pizza (Part II)

Pizza. It's what's for dinner.

No, that's been done before. How about this:

Pizza. IT'S WHAT YOU CAN GO SHOVE UP YOUR ASS!

Geez. Sorry about that. I've really got some issues to work through.

Anyway, let's talk pizza! Last time I addressed this subject, I was concerned that pizza purveyors were all TRYING TO KILL US. This time, I'm more concerned about fake pizza.

dnf_bnp2_dnid_1.jpg

That's right, The Noid, defunct pizza icon! Fake pizza is a product that is marketed as pizza, but has questionable pizza credentials. Let's see what's being dished out this month:

Subway Pizza

Subway restaurants are mostly known for sandwiches -- and for that annoying Jared fucker who JUST WON'T GO AWAY. But Jared and his corporate masters are no longer content to rule the sammichsphere (like the blog-o-sphere, but for sammiches!). Now they want to take on big pizza franchises. Introducing Subway's personal deep dish pizzas! In a stroke of synergistic genius, Subway bakes these pizzas in the same ovens they use to toast their subs. Actually... now that I think about it, that sounds a little suspicious. Even so, they're cheap and they sort of look like pizza.

dnf_bnp2_sbwpza_2,jpg.jpg

But is it pizza? I don't know. Last time I went to Subway, I nearly ordered one of these. But then I remembered that there's a quite decent pizzeria right next door to my local Subway. So, ordering some weird flash-baked frankenpizza when the real thing is just a few steps away... well, that would just be retarded. And not retarded in a good way.

Oreo Pizza

Uh. For a moment, let's try to forget the eye-searing image of men bearded with chunks of crushed cookies. God knows I'll be seeing it in my dreams for years to come. We must limit our thoughts to the product itself: a dessert pizza composed of Oreo cookies and some white goo. If this were a CRUDE website, I could compare this white Oreo goo to another kind of white goo that teenage boys often produce while perusing Hannah Montana fansites. But I'm not going to make that comparison.

But is it PIZZA?? I don't think so. See, I have philosophical objections to the very concept of a "dessert pizza". Pizza -- REAL pizza -- has bready crust, cheese, and a zesty tomato sauce. Domino's Oreo Pizza has none of these. If this THING is a pizza then my ass is beef jerky (teriyaki style).

Chinese Pizza

I really don't know where to start with this one. You'll just have to check this out for yourself:

A little backstory: Domino's Pizza is a multi-national franchise, and they do brisk business in India. Of course, India has somewhat different pizza preferences than Americans. They top their pizzas with spicy chicken rather than pepperoni and sausage. And, it seems, they like Chinese flavored pizzas.

dnf_bnp2_cnpza_3.jpg

BUT IS IT PIZZA???

Sure it is. You know what? From now on, EVERYTHING is pizza. Tacos are pizza. Marshmallows are pizza. Pop rocks and pixie sticks: also pizza Even things that aren't food... we can call them pizza TOO! Christmas ornaments, tennis shoes, sofa-beds -- "Hey bro, can I crash on your PIZZA tonight???" -- it's ALL PIZZA. As for me, I'm just about ready to pop a fistfull of prescription pizza-killer tablets and wash them down with a 40oz Malt Pizza.

Because a world that can't distinguish between things that are pizza and things that are NOT pizza... that's no world I want to live in.

Thanks to Flickr user Slice for the Subway pizza images. And thanks to the Brand Autopsy blog for montaging them so nicely! Now, if only I could get someone else to actually WRITE this site for me, I'd be all set.

Posted by Joey at September 11, 2007 01:32 PM

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