September 26, 2007
Fun Facts: Boob Tube
The term "boob tube" is a colorful phrase that people often use to describe television. Also, it rhymes! But most people have no clue where this term comes from. Nor do they care. But since a tiny minority of you might be interested...
The use of the word "tube" to describe a TV harkens back to the days when television sets contained glass vacuum tubes. Vacuums were necessary because the tiny gnomes working their magic inside the television set were allergic to nitrogen, a key component of earth's atmosphere. Modern televisions don't require these tubes because the gnomes have been replaced by pixies (who thrive in a high nitrogen environment).
But why is it called the BOOB tube? You see, early television sets had very small screens.
Though it was technically possible to display two female breasts on screen simultaneously, the image quality was so poor that viewers couldn't really enjoy them. Therefore, early tv programs would only show one breast at a time. Hence the singular Boob -- as opposed to the plural Boobs.
Anyway, it's a little known fact that many popular actresses couldn't make the transition into the "two boob era", when TV screens expanded to accommodate double boobage. It turns out, these performers only had one good boob. The other was rubbish.
Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.
New Television Programs
Every fall, a new crop of television programs arrives for our viewing enjoyment. Each of these programs is worthy of an in-depth review. But I'm too lazy for that. Here's all you need to know:
This was not the House, M.D. spin-off show I had been hoping for. Though, to be fair, it was rather optimistic for me to believe that CBS would greenlight a drama focused on the adventures of a mahogany walking stick.
Gossip Girl (WB)
As a television program, this fails. As an hour long advertisement for some expensive mobile phone service, it succeeds. Sort of.
The Big Bang Theory (CBS)
Smart people are ugly and socially inept. Attractive blondes are airheads. CBS comedies aren't funny. See these stereotypes (and many more) reenforced Mondays at 8:30, 7:30 central!
Kid Nation (CBS)
A social experiment designed to see what would happen if bratty children were put in charge of society. But isn't that what we've been doing for the last seven years?
Private Practice (ABC)
Spin-off of ABC's hit show Grey's Anatomy. Because only one hour of annoying, self-obsessed physicians and their endless emotional reguritations per week apparently wasn't enough.
Survivor: China (CBS)
Over 1.3 billion people currently live in China. How hard could it be to "survive" there?
September 25, 2007
Television. If life were worth living, TV is what would make it worth living. And there's never been a better time to start watching TV than right now. All the networks are debuting their fall schedule, including some very exciting NEW shows. If you don't watch them now, you won't be able to bitch and moan when they get cancelled after two or three episodes! And isn't that the best part of being a television viewer?
All this week, I'll be watching and posting about TV on this very internet web site! Stay tuned.
September 24, 2007
Movie Review: Good Luck Chuck
The immovable object versus the irresistible force. An omnipotent God versus a stone so heavy even He cannot lift it. Jessica Alba versus Dane Cook.
Allow me to explain, Cheesehead Lincoln. Good Luck Chuck is the latest in a series of Hollywood films that explore a philosophical conundrum known as the irresistible force paradox. In this particular implementation, we have a woman (Alba) so irresistible no man can take his eyes off her... and a man so repulsive (Cook) it's impossible to for anyone look at him. And they both appear on screen at the very same time!
The result is a movie that is both unwatchable AND ridiculously compelling. Sort of like a Tijuana Donkey Show. But less sophisticated.
The plot of the movie is utterly trite and unworthy of recapitulation. Alba spends most of the film taking her clothes off and smashing her head into things. The latter is intended to funny, the former is intended to be AWESOME. But only one of these two intentions is realized. I'll leave it to you, The Very Clever Joey Headset Reader, to figure out which one it is. Here's a clue:
OMG JESSICA ALBA IN HER UNDERWEAR SO AWESOME !111!111ELEVEN!!1
Whereas undressed Jessica Alba provides first rate cinematic eye candy, leading man Dane Cook has the opposite effect on male viewers. On the big screen, Cook's face has roughly the same effect that chemical castration is supposed to have on child molesters. Speaking of child molesters, Dane Cook's acting ability rivals that of the To Catch a Predator guys who claim they were "just there to talk".
Of course, there is one thing that Cook and Alba have in common: neither of them are funny. At all. I mean, not even a little bit. For Alba, this isn't a problem. She's hot, so no one expects her to be funny. Dane Cook, however, is billed as a "comedian". Again, not so much. The funniest thing he does in this film is get hit in the nuts by a wild assortment of projectiles. But ANYONE can make you laugh by getting smashed in the crotch. For example, nobody would accuse Senator John Kerry of being a Laff Riot, but if I dropped a bowling ball onto his nads, you better believe that hilarity would ensure! The mark of a true comedic craftsman is the ability to make people laugh WITHOUT sacrificing the man-sack. In this regard, Dane Cook is woefully ill-equipped (both in the comedic ability and the man-sack department).
Eventually, some clever internet person will re-edit Good Luck Chuck so that all you ever see on screen is Jessica Alba. All images of Dane Cook will be replaced by... I dunno, maybe more images of Alba? If they could figure out a way to have her make-out WITH HERSELF, this might become the greatest movie of all time! Until then, I can only give this film 3 Joeys... plus a complementary bag of chips.
September 19, 2007
A Public Service Announcement (in blank verse)
Today I punched myself by accident.
The accidental blow befell my face,
specifically my nose, which didn't break
but might have done, if fortune hadn't blessed
(or cursed) me with these tiny, girly hands.
A lesson here can benefit us all:
Refrain from all behaviors which allow
your fists and face to meet by happenstance.
And now you know - for knowing is, they say
the greater half of victory (go joe!)
September 18, 2007
Where the Sun Don't Shine
Do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling? You know, down there?
No. Not down there. The other down there. It's the down there you're probably sitting on right now.
Yes, that's the one.
Like many Americans, I often wish that I could feel fresher. Especially after my bathroom activities! But, as usual, modern science has let me down. I can't believe that in the year 2007, we're all still using toilet paper: the same ass cleansing technique they used back in the 80's. The freaking 580s. I guess all those scientists are too busy with their AIDS and their Global Warming to figure out a better way for your boy Joey to sanitize his sphincter.
It's like I've died and gone to SPARKLING ANUS HEAVEN! The fine folks at the Toto Corporation have used their rectal expertise to design the ultimate post-defication experience: The Washlet. What does this high tech toilet seat do for you and your nether regions? According to their excellent website, cleanishappy.com, the Washlet boasts these luxury functions:
So, so awesome! And yet... it could be EVEN MORE AWESOMER.
I love the idea of getting a fresh blast of clean water after I've completed my excremental mission. But I'm worried that The Washlet only addresses the surface of the problem, the exterior. For a truly clean feeling -- inside and out -- I need a machine that GETS UP IN THERE and takes care of BUSINESS. If I don't feel a little VIOLATED after my post-defecation clensing, The Washlet clearly isn't doing its job.
Also, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to hook this thing into the water supply in the bathroom. I'd have to call a plumber, and you know how expensive that could get. Wouldn't it be easier to design a model I could just plug into my garden hose?
Finally, there's GOT to be some way a high tech toilet seat could connect to the internet. Maybe it could collect data on my daily... contributions. And then compare them to other Washlet users. Think of it as a High Score list for your bowels. Or, it could take photos of my bowel movements and upload them to the web. In a sense, this fecal blog would be doing literally what most personal blogs have been doing figuratively for years!
But even if the company makes all these changes to The Washlet, there's still a fundamental problem with the device: a lack of portability. Why should I have to get up, walk to the bathroom, drop my pants AND sit down before I can avail myself of the Washlet's functionality? Just thinking about it makes me tired. I'm a busy guy. I've got websites to browse and sitcoms to watch. I need a high tech toilet that goes where I go. If these guys are so freaking smart, why can't they just build the toilet right into my pants? Because it really doesn't matter how nice you make a toilet, if I still have to get up from my TV to use it...
Well, I'd rather just wear a diaper.
September 11, 2007
Brave New Pizza (Part II)
Pizza. It's what's for dinner.
No, that's been done before. How about this:
Pizza. IT'S WHAT YOU CAN GO SHOVE UP YOUR ASS!
Geez. Sorry about that. I've really got some issues to work through.
Anyway, let's talk pizza! Last time I addressed this subject, I was concerned that pizza purveyors were all TRYING TO KILL US. This time, I'm more concerned about fake pizza.
That's right, The Noid, defunct pizza icon! Fake pizza is a product that is marketed as pizza, but has questionable pizza credentials. Let's see what's being dished out this month:
Subway restaurants are mostly known for sandwiches -- and for that annoying Jared fucker who JUST WON'T GO AWAY. But Jared and his corporate masters are no longer content to rule the sammichsphere (like the blog-o-sphere, but for sammiches!). Now they want to take on big pizza franchises. Introducing Subway's personal deep dish pizzas! In a stroke of synergistic genius, Subway bakes these pizzas in the same ovens they use to toast their subs. Actually... now that I think about it, that sounds a little suspicious. Even so, they're cheap and they sort of look like pizza.
But is it pizza? I don't know. Last time I went to Subway, I nearly ordered one of these. But then I remembered that there's a quite decent pizzeria right next door to my local Subway. So, ordering some weird flash-baked frankenpizza when the real thing is just a few steps away... well, that would just be retarded. And not retarded in a good way.
Uh. For a moment, let's try to forget the eye-searing image of men bearded with chunks of crushed cookies. God knows I'll be seeing it in my dreams for years to come. We must limit our thoughts to the product itself: a dessert pizza composed of Oreo cookies and some white goo. If this were a CRUDE website, I could compare this white Oreo goo to another kind of white goo that teenage boys often produce while perusing Hannah Montana fansites. But I'm not going to make that comparison.
But is it PIZZA?? I don't think so. See, I have philosophical objections to the very concept of a "dessert pizza". Pizza -- REAL pizza -- has bready crust, cheese, and a zesty tomato sauce. Domino's Oreo Pizza has none of these. If this THING is a pizza then my ass is beef jerky (teriyaki style).
I really don't know where to start with this one. You'll just have to check this out for yourself:
A little backstory: Domino's Pizza is a multi-national franchise, and they do brisk business in India. Of course, India has somewhat different pizza preferences than Americans. They top their pizzas with spicy chicken rather than pepperoni and sausage. And, it seems, they like Chinese flavored pizzas.
BUT IS IT PIZZA???
Sure it is. You know what? From now on, EVERYTHING is pizza. Tacos are pizza. Marshmallows are pizza. Pop rocks and pixie sticks: also pizza Even things that aren't food... we can call them pizza TOO! Christmas ornaments, tennis shoes, sofa-beds -- "Hey bro, can I crash on your PIZZA tonight???" -- it's ALL PIZZA. As for me, I'm just about ready to pop a fistfull of prescription pizza-killer tablets and wash them down with a 40oz Malt Pizza.
Because a world that can't distinguish between things that are pizza and things that are NOT pizza... that's no world I want to live in.
Thanks to Flickr user Slice for the Subway pizza images. And thanks to the Brand Autopsy blog for montaging them so nicely! Now, if only I could get someone else to actually WRITE this site for me, I'd be all set.
September 01, 2007
This Week in Revenge Fantasies
I'm an American, God dammit. And, like most Americans, I don't get mad. I get even.
Well. I don't really get even very often. But I spend a lot of time thinking about getting even. Perfect example: just last week, this assbag in an SUV jacked a sweet parking space from me in the Olive Garden parking lot. I didn't say anything to him. But I've spent every waking hour since thinking about RUNNING HIS STUPID ASS OVER WITH HIS OWN SUV AND THEN STOMPING ON HIS STUPID FUCKING FACE!!!!!
This is perfectly natural. The only thing more American than revenge itself is a good old fashioned REVENGE FANTASY. As usual, Hollywood is on top of the national zeitgeist. Theaters are currently offering a variety of films that appeal to the ass-kicking, name-taking, first-shooting, later-question-asking vigilante in each of us. But which cinematic revenge fantasy is right for you? Let's take a look.
Cast: Jet Li, Jason Statham
Motivation for Revenge: FBI Agent Must avenge the brutal murder of his partner.
Means of Revenge: Kung Fu. Gunplay. Luring enemy into one of the film's massive and deadly plot holes.
Will Appeal to...: British FBI Agents with madd Kung Fu skills and a recently murdered partner. People with a few hours to kill in the middle of the afternoon.
Film: Death Sentence
Cast: Kevin Bacon, Aisha Tyler, John Goodman
Motivation for Revenge: Dull suburbanite businessman Nick Hume must transform himself into a murderous bad-ass in order to Protect His Family. Middle aged white guy proceeds to slaughter heavily armed drug gang.
Means of Revenge: Knives. Guns. Rage (as substitute for actual combat training).
Will Appeal to...: Very angry people. Very stupid people. People who can deliberately shut off the part of their brain that considers whether something makes sense.
Film: The Brave One
Cast: Jodie Foster, Terrence Howard
Motivation for Revenge: Jodie's fiancee beaten to death by ethnic bad guys (for no particular reason, cuz that's how ethnic bad guys ROLL).
Means of Revenge: Girl power! White power! Also guns.
Will Appeal to...: Militant lesbians. Slightly less militant lesbians. People who were actually able to sit through that Jennifer Lopez movie with roughly the same plot.
Film: Mr. Bean's Holiday
Cast: Rowan Atkinson
Motivation for Revenge: A group of filmmakers construct mind-numbing, insipid "comedy". Their reasons for inflicting this abhorrent film upon audiences remain a mystery.
Means of Revenge: This film.
Will Appeal to...: n/a