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August 02, 2007

Keeping Them Straight

I don't usually watch the news. TV News is mostly geared toward the sort of people who care about things that have happened. And that's not me. I don't care what has happened and I'm not particularly concerned about the things that may happen in the future. I'll leave these matters to historians and psychics, respectively.

However, The News has become a lot more appealing in recent months. Mostly because they've switched from dull politics coverage to AWESOME full time coverage of the three most important people in America: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Lindsey Lohan.

These three young women are the epitome of what they call "Young Hollywood". Old Hollywood was all about beautiful people who could act, sing and dance. BORING. Young Hollywood is all about stupid, ugly, talentless bitches who get fucked up on drugs, flash their revolting genitalia for photographers and then smash their cars into random shit.

The only trouble with Hilton, Richie and Lohan: it's so hard to keep them straight. By "keep them straight" I don't mean keeping them sober. There isn't a rehab facility in the country that can keep these bitches from inhaling their own weight in Colombian Nose Candy every week. No, when I say it's hard to keep them straight, I mean it's difficult to distinguish between them. One coked out celebutante with a drug problem and a suspended license is very much like another. For this reason I've created a special chart that will help me (and YOU!) tell these young ladies apart.

Distinguishing Characteristic Paris Hilton Lindsey Lohan Nicole Richie
claims to be an actress
*
*
*
has taken acting classes
put out pop record
*
*
*
pop record ignored by audiences
*
*
*
has been arrested
*
*
*
has been incarcerated
*
will be incarcerated
*
*
daddy owns hotels
*
daddy did jailtime
*
daddy danced on the ceiling
*
physically repulsive
*
*
personally repulsive
*
*
*
well versed in post-structuralst theory
completed college
attended college
*
completed high school
*
*
Convicted of DUI
*
*
*
gone through rehab
*
*
*
convited of DUI post-rehab
*
*
*
vagina exposed in photos
*
*
has redeeming qualities
stupid
*
*
*
boring
*
*
*
worthless
*
*
*
coke whore
*
*
*
distraction from crumbling democracy
*
*
*
will die in pool of own vomit
*
*
*

Posted by Joey at August 2, 2007 05:53 AM

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