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August 30, 2007

Back 2 Skool!

Hey kids, you know what time it is?


No. It's BACK 2 SKOOL time, bitches!

This is my favorite time of year. True, I don't go to school myself. Don't have any school-bound children, either. To be honest, I try to avoid children. They are loud, bratty and if you try to have sex with them you'll just end up having an awkward conversation with Dateline's Chris Hansen (who has NO sense of humor about these sorts of things). The point is this: you don't have to go to school to enjoy the Back to School Experience. For instance, I always pick up school supplies at the end of August: notebooks, pens, erasers. I don't use them for anything, but it's nice having them around. There's an enormous sense of personal satisfaction that comes from owning over thirty protractors.

And every year, there are bold new innovations in Back to School Technology! Here are a few of the most exciting products that any student would be proud to bring to their first day of classes.

Ballistic Backpack

From Columbine to Virginia Tech, school shootings are quickly becoming an American tradition. If you want to protect yourself from disgruntled student gunmen, I'd recommend wearing full body armor every day. Either that or move to a country where they don't hand out automatic weapons to emotionally damaged youths. However, if you're merely interested in keeping your STUFF safe from bullets, go get one of these:

This stylish kevlar backback may not protect YOU from getting your ass shot, but it will protect your textbooks. Those things are fucking expensive.

Fancypants Lunchbox

Nothing works up an appetite like a long day of sitting at a desk, trying to stay awake. This is why students get MAD HUNGRY. Grabbing lunch at the school cafeteria is always an option, but -- given the choice -- most youngsters would opt NOT to contract food poisoning. After all, there's nothing educational about explosive diarrhea. It's much better for students to bring their own lunch to school. And what better way to transport a healthy meal than with a colorful lunchbox?


I'm sorry, did I say "lunchbox"? I meant Vintage French Enamel Lunch Pail. Sure, your kids might prefer a shiny new Spongebob Squarepants lunchbox. But you're not going to let any child of YOURS be seen in public with such a crass lunchroom accessory. Much better to give kids a fancy and VERY EXPENSIVE French antique for their lunch storage needs. While you're at it, why not replace the traditional PB & J with a decadent Foie Gras and Escargot salad. Kids just can't get enough goose liver.

Morning Class Wood

Obviously any student is going to need something to write with. Regular old pencils and pens are OK, I guess -- for small-minded students. But what if a student has really BIG ideas? He needs a big ass writing implement. Like this:


Sensory Overload

For younger students with a creative side, nothing spells fun like C-R-A-Y-O-L-A. Crayons are colorful, non-toxic... and now they are scented!


Crayola's Silly Scents are regular crayons with wacky aromas like "Gargoyle Gas" and "Alien Armpit". Kids will love these, particularly the ones who like to shove crayons up their nose. I've got 3 of them shoved in my nasal cavity right now, and it's DELIGHTFUL. Just one warning: don't leave these Silly Scents in your car on a hot summer day. The resulting smell is reminiscent of melting hippie ASS.

Book of Creation

Another thing that all students need: books. If students didn't read books, NOBODY would. But sometimes, schools make students read books that contain nothing but blasphemous lies. If you know a student who is set to take any biology or natural history classes, make sure they don't leave the house without this book:


Harun Yahya's "Atlas of Creation" is a must have tome for ALL students. The book contains scientific evidence that disproves the theory of evolution. By "scientific evidence", of course, I mean islamic scripture and badly crafted logical fallacies that wouldn't fool a bright seven year old. This is the perfect gift for loudmouthed children who want to disrupt their classes with religious histrionics. And, if the content of the book fails to dissuade teachers from teaching evolution theory, kids can always smash the book into their teacher's face. At 768 pages/13 pounds, kids can really "get their point across" upside their teacher's head.


School may be a soul-sucking bore, but Back to School merchanise is always pure excitement -- even for those of us who dropped out of the 4th grade and never looked back!

Special thanks to reader Leah who suggested some of the items listed above!

Posted by Joey at August 30, 2007 03:28 AM

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