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August 30, 2007

Back 2 Skool!

Hey kids, you know what time it is?

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No. It's BACK 2 SKOOL time, bitches!

This is my favorite time of year. True, I don't go to school myself. Don't have any school-bound children, either. To be honest, I try to avoid children. They are loud, bratty and if you try to have sex with them you'll just end up having an awkward conversation with Dateline's Chris Hansen (who has NO sense of humor about these sorts of things). The point is this: you don't have to go to school to enjoy the Back to School Experience. For instance, I always pick up school supplies at the end of August: notebooks, pens, erasers. I don't use them for anything, but it's nice having them around. There's an enormous sense of personal satisfaction that comes from owning over thirty protractors.

And every year, there are bold new innovations in Back to School Technology! Here are a few of the most exciting products that any student would be proud to bring to their first day of classes.

Ballistic Backpack

From Columbine to Virginia Tech, school shootings are quickly becoming an American tradition. If you want to protect yourself from disgruntled student gunmen, I'd recommend wearing full body armor every day. Either that or move to a country where they don't hand out automatic weapons to emotionally damaged youths. However, if you're merely interested in keeping your STUFF safe from bullets, go get one of these:

This stylish kevlar backback may not protect YOU from getting your ass shot, but it will protect your textbooks. Those things are fucking expensive.

Fancypants Lunchbox

Nothing works up an appetite like a long day of sitting at a desk, trying to stay awake. This is why students get MAD HUNGRY. Grabbing lunch at the school cafeteria is always an option, but -- given the choice -- most youngsters would opt NOT to contract food poisoning. After all, there's nothing educational about explosive diarrhea. It's much better for students to bring their own lunch to school. And what better way to transport a healthy meal than with a colorful lunchbox?

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I'm sorry, did I say "lunchbox"? I meant Vintage French Enamel Lunch Pail. Sure, your kids might prefer a shiny new Spongebob Squarepants lunchbox. But you're not going to let any child of YOURS be seen in public with such a crass lunchroom accessory. Much better to give kids a fancy and VERY EXPENSIVE French antique for their lunch storage needs. While you're at it, why not replace the traditional PB & J with a decadent Foie Gras and Escargot salad. Kids just can't get enough goose liver.

Morning Class Wood

Obviously any student is going to need something to write with. Regular old pencils and pens are OK, I guess -- for small-minded students. But what if a student has really BIG ideas? He needs a big ass writing implement. Like this:

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Sensory Overload

For younger students with a creative side, nothing spells fun like C-R-A-Y-O-L-A. Crayons are colorful, non-toxic... and now they are scented!

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Crayola's Silly Scents are regular crayons with wacky aromas like "Gargoyle Gas" and "Alien Armpit". Kids will love these, particularly the ones who like to shove crayons up their nose. I've got 3 of them shoved in my nasal cavity right now, and it's DELIGHTFUL. Just one warning: don't leave these Silly Scents in your car on a hot summer day. The resulting smell is reminiscent of melting hippie ASS.

Book of Creation

Another thing that all students need: books. If students didn't read books, NOBODY would. But sometimes, schools make students read books that contain nothing but blasphemous lies. If you know a student who is set to take any biology or natural history classes, make sure they don't leave the house without this book:

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Harun Yahya's "Atlas of Creation" is a must have tome for ALL students. The book contains scientific evidence that disproves the theory of evolution. By "scientific evidence", of course, I mean islamic scripture and badly crafted logical fallacies that wouldn't fool a bright seven year old. This is the perfect gift for loudmouthed children who want to disrupt their classes with religious histrionics. And, if the content of the book fails to dissuade teachers from teaching evolution theory, kids can always smash the book into their teacher's face. At 768 pages/13 pounds, kids can really "get their point across" upside their teacher's head.

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School may be a soul-sucking bore, but Back to School merchanise is always pure excitement -- even for those of us who dropped out of the 4th grade and never looked back!

Special thanks to reader Leah who suggested some of the items listed above!

Posted by Joey at 03:28 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 08, 2007

Albino Porn

In order to better serve you, the internet website reading public, I carefully monitor all of the traffic to joeyheadset.com through a sophisticated "webstats" software package. These webstats reveal how many visitors the site receives, which web browsers they are using and which pages they are viewing. The software also provides data regarding users' blood type, ethnic background and sexual orientation. Additionally, these stats let me know what keywords users were searching for when they came across my site.

When checking my stats today, I was shocked to see that some users have found my site while searching for the term "Albino Porn".

Uh... WTF?

While I am always happy to see increased traffic to my website, I am worried that users are viewing my site for the wrong reasons. Obviously there is no pornography here -- and certainly no pornography that features albinos. I like albinos as much as the next guy, but I have no interest in seeing them engage in sexual intercourse. Not even hot, nasty, triple-x hardcore sex.

I didn't even realize that albino porn was a bona fide genre of porn. I've been around the inter-block a few times, and I'm pretty sure I haven't stumbled across any albino themed porn. Animal porn? Sure. Robot porn? Absolutely. I've even come upon a massive stash of Down Syndrome porn... which, in retrospect, I rather wish I could purge from my memory. But in all of my internet travels, I have never seen any pigmentally challenged individuals sexing at each other.

Maybe this is a an unexploited market. For all I know, there are hundreds -- maybe thousands! -- of frustrated albino porn enthusiasts who can't find any erotic images that satisfy their own peculiar fetish. How easy it would be for some unscrupulous web-person to trick these fetishists into visiting their website, just by cramming their site full of carefully selected keywords!

Anyway, if you have reached this website hoping for ALBINO PORN, you will not find any on this site. No ALBINO SEX PICS, no HOT ALBINO ON ALBINO ACTION. If you've come looking for sexy ALBINO LESBIAN ENCOUNTERS, you won't find that here. Nor will you find ALBINO BI-CURIOUS STUDS... delightful as they might be. Though I would normally be happy to offer SEXY ALBINO ASIANS IN LATEX LINGERIE, I don't have access to any such material. And I'm just as lacking when it comes to DIRTY ALBINO MIDGETS LICKING JELLO PUDDING OFF OF ALBINO TRANSSEXUAL FARM ANIMALS.

So, in summary, you will not find any sexual content involving albinos on this, the Joey Headset, website. I apologize for any inconvenience.

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Posted by Joey at 05:07 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

August 02, 2007

Keeping Them Straight

I don't usually watch the news. TV News is mostly geared toward the sort of people who care about things that have happened. And that's not me. I don't care what has happened and I'm not particularly concerned about the things that may happen in the future. I'll leave these matters to historians and psychics, respectively.

However, The News has become a lot more appealing in recent months. Mostly because they've switched from dull politics coverage to AWESOME full time coverage of the three most important people in America: Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Lindsey Lohan.

These three young women are the epitome of what they call "Young Hollywood". Old Hollywood was all about beautiful people who could act, sing and dance. BORING. Young Hollywood is all about stupid, ugly, talentless bitches who get fucked up on drugs, flash their revolting genitalia for photographers and then smash their cars into random shit.

The only trouble with Hilton, Richie and Lohan: it's so hard to keep them straight. By "keep them straight" I don't mean keeping them sober. There isn't a rehab facility in the country that can keep these bitches from inhaling their own weight in Colombian Nose Candy every week. No, when I say it's hard to keep them straight, I mean it's difficult to distinguish between them. One coked out celebutante with a drug problem and a suspended license is very much like another. For this reason I've created a special chart that will help me (and YOU!) tell these young ladies apart.

Distinguishing Characteristic Paris Hilton Lindsey Lohan Nicole Richie
claims to be an actress
*
*
*
has taken acting classes
put out pop record
*
*
*
pop record ignored by audiences
*
*
*
has been arrested
*
*
*
has been incarcerated
*
will be incarcerated
*
*
daddy owns hotels
*
daddy did jailtime
*
daddy danced on the ceiling
*
physically repulsive
*
*
personally repulsive
*
*
*
well versed in post-structuralst theory
completed college
attended college
*
completed high school
*
*
Convicted of DUI
*
*
*
gone through rehab
*
*
*
convited of DUI post-rehab
*
*
*
vagina exposed in photos
*
*
has redeeming qualities
stupid
*
*
*
boring
*
*
*
worthless
*
*
*
coke whore
*
*
*
distraction from crumbling democracy
*
*
*
will die in pool of own vomit
*
*
*

Posted by Joey at 05:53 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 01, 2007

Awesome Song Titles

I enjoy popular music.

By "popular", of course, I mean obscure. And by "music" I mean German fetish pornography.

But I do like to keep on top of the popular music scene! And the best way to do this is to check the list of Most Downloaded Songs on the iTunes Music Store. Today, I found two particularly intriguing tracks. "Thnks Fr Th Mmrs" by Fall Out Boy and "Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin)" by T-Pain feat. Yung Joc. These songs are freaking AWESOME!!! I haven't downloaded them, obviously. I didn't even get around to listening to the preview. BUT... I love the song titles. Any pop group that can't be bothered to run their album's tracklist through a spellchecker -- you can't help but respect their utter indifference to correct spelling and syntax.

And, if you enjoy these songs as much as I do, you'll love these new tracks that are certain to be huge hits in weeks to come!

"Gett wif Deez Bittshez" by Da Crunck Onz

"IMSewDeepRest" by Generic Shitty Emo Band

"I Blang 4 Jebus" by Ca$h Moneh Christianz

"j#0*fh #ar)948" by F34f9 S249fj awaowef098w3wefwefaweoifh

Posted by Joey at 05:07 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack