July 27, 2007
Support Mike Vick, Buy His Jersey!
Everyone else might be turning their backs on Falcons QB Michael Vick -- but not your boy Joey. Last time I checked, this was the US of frickin' A! In America we are obligated to pretend criminals are innocent until a court of law proves otherwise. In fact, I am so committed in my support of Vick, I decided to head over to the NFL Shop to buy an officially licensed Vick Jersey. Sure, I could have bid on one on Ebay, where there currently seems to be an unusual number of them up for sale (very cheap, too!). But I want my purchase to send a message to the NFL: some of us football fans are still willing to shell out $260 to show our support for a mediocre passer who tortures animals in his spare time.
The other advantage of buying from the Official NFL Shop is that it provides ample options for jersey customization. I could put my own name on the back of the jersey, or any other name I choose!
Screw you, Commissioner Goodell! Leave it to the guy who banned endzone celebrations to ruin everyone's fun. The first 20-30 names I came up with, the NFL store shot down: "Your current entry cannot be processed. Language deemed inappropriate, derogatory, or profane will not be accepted. Please create a new entry." SO LAME!
However, after spending a few hours trying out different names, I've discovered a few good options that nflshop.com WILL accept.
July 24, 2007
EXCLUSIVE MIKE VICK INTERVIEW!
With shocking accusations of Falcons quarterback Michael Vick running a multi-state dogfighting ring, Atlanta's star player has shied away from the media in recent weeks.
GOOD THING I'M NOT THE MEDIA!
Click RIGHT HERE to check out my exclusive interview with Mike Vick.
July 21, 2007
Harry Potter: Early Review
As I type these words, fans of Harry Potter are currently lined up outside bookstores across the country, eagerly awaiting the release of the final chapter of J. K. Rowling's popular series of novels. Meanwhile I, Joey Headset, am sitting in front of my computer. I've got a beer in one hand, and a copy of the new novel in the other! I've actually had it for weeks. IN YOUR FACE LINE WAITING PEOPLE! While those suckers wait to pay full price at Borders or Barnes and Nobles, I bought my copy for $7 dollars from an asian gentleman out behind the 7-11. He was selling them out of the trunk of his car, along with an intrigiuging collection of bootleg Malaysian porn. Anyway, I've finished reading the novel and BOY IS IT TEH AWESOME!
The final novel in the Harry Potter septet is full of surprises. Surprise #1: it's only 45 pages long! Some fans might be disappointed, since the earlier books generally clock in at 400, 500 pages. Personally, I appreciate Rowling's brevity. I'm not what you would call an "avid reader". I'm really not the kinda guy who "reads". You know... "books". But this one is a real page turner! In fact, readers will have to turn through several pages of advertisements before they even get to the first chapter. Most of the ads are for local escort services, which seems a little inappropriate for younger readers. But there are also coupons for my favorite pizza joint! This is quite convenient, since reading makes me MADD HUNGIEZ.
Anyway, on to the novel. SPOILER ALERT or whatever. The book begins as Harry Potter begins his seventh year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft. Unlike previous novels, where the young wizard fights evil wizard Voldemort with his friends Hermione and Ron, book 7 takes Harry in a different direction. Harry spends most of his senior year the way most of us "muggles" do: skipping class and smoking a lot of weed. Magickal weed, in Harry's case. Makes you see unicorns and shit. Harry also starts a band and loses a lot of money on internet poker.
Toward the end of the novel, Harry gets pretty deep into credit card debt and has to go into hiding. He attempts, with varying degrees of success, to hide in plain sight, mixing into crowds in various exotic locations. This segment of the novel is largely presented in a pictorial format.
While in hiding, Harry uses the alias Waldo. Apparently.
I'm not going to ruin the ending for you... let's just say it involves several more pages of ads for escort services. Anyway, the final Harry Potter book is a fitting end for a series that has brought endless pleasure to the sort of people who read Harry Potter novels. Therefore, I award it 6 Joeys. Specifically, 6 Joeys Wearing Goofy Glasses and a Wizard Hat.
July 18, 2007
Hey Hey You You: A Pop Controversy
Ooh, there's a controversy brewing in PopTown!
It seems that Canadian post-teen pop sensation Avril Lavigne has been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. THE POP MUSIC LYRIC SWIPING COOKIE JAR!!!
Members of The Rubinoos, an obscure 70s rock band, claim that Lavigne ripped off their (only) hit song "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend" on recent single "Girlfriend". Needless to say, they've called their lawyers. Though it's not clear if Avril actually broke the law, there certainly are similarities.
Yeah, well. I guess you could call that a STRONG similarity. Not one to be accused of stealing something that was like totally her idea and stuff, Avril fired back. In a blog-style response on her website, Avril denied any meaningful similarities to the Rubinoos song. She does have a point. Whereas the Rubinoos song is a delightful slice of American proto-powerpop, Avril's song is a forgettable specimen of bubblegum brat-punk. But, ultimately, the whole issue comes down to four little words:
"hey hey you you"
Come to think of it, that's only two words. Echoed. This particular pop invocation is hardly new to popular music. Avril herself points out that the Rolling Stones used it in their classic anthem "Get Off of My Cloud". When Mick Jagger sang "hey hey you you get off of my cloud", he spoke for a whole generation of large lipped rockers who were no longer willing to share their hard-earned frozen clusters of water vapor droplets with random interlopers.
Since this song preceded both Lavigne and The Rubinoos, one might conclude that -- rather than the former ripping off the latter -- both artists simply copped the Stones.
Not so fast. The Rolling Stones weren't the first ones to tap the awesome power of Hey Hey You You. Some pop historians believe that Mick Jagger stole the chorus of "Get Off of My Cloud" from none other than "Jazz Singer" Al Jolson.
Jolson's classic "Hey Hey You You (Wan' Me to Shine yo Shoes fo' you Massa?)" has been largely forgotten due to Political Correctness -- but Mick Jagger is an unapologetic fan of Al Jolson. Always has been. Could Jagger have "borrowed" this line from Jolson?
No. Not possible. If pop historians pulled their heads out of their $20,000 stereo systems for five minutes, they would realize that "Hey Hey You You" predates even Al Jolson. BY SEVERAL CENTURIES.
The first documented use of this pop invocation can be found circa 915 AD, in the Gregorian chant "Heu Heu, Tu Tu, Abi a meis Testibus". The literal translation of this latin chant would be "Alas Alas, You You, Depart from my Testicles". However, for our purposes, the modernized translation of "Hey Hey, You You, Get Off of my Nuts" will work just fine.
Avril, Jagger, whoever the fuck was in The Rubinoos -- they were all inspired by an antiquated religious chant. Who says religion is stupid and worthless?
Special thanks to Circa Eyes from the Latin Hotline for Latin Translation support. Also please note that the original caption of the Al Jolson pic above was "I'm like the beta version of Lenny Kravitz."
July 13, 2007
Don't Forget the Singing Bee
In this workaday world of cellphones, tv dinners and random sexual encounters in an Olive Garden restroom, who has time for television?
But even I have my limits. Sure, I'm willing to watch a game show where tone deaf amateur singers try to remember the lyrics to shitty songs from 80s and 90s. But I draw the line at ONE show fitting this description. As it turns out, this is a problem. Shockingly enough, there are actually TWO new karaoke/lyric remembrance game shows on network TV: FOX's Don't Forget the Lyrics and NBC's The Singing Bee.
I know. I can hardly believe it myself.
Since, as a matter of principle, I am not willing to watch both of these programs, I'll need to decide which one is right for me. Let's compare and contrast.
First of all, what do these shows have in common? Well... they're both obvious, predictable, mind-numbing -- everything you could possibly want in a television program! Both shows also happen to reward contestants for their ability to remember song lyrics -- not for their ability to sing those lyrics. If only American Idol worked like this. Actually... I'm not altogether sure it doesn't.
So far as I can tell, the only significant difference between the two shows is the host. Don't Forget the Lyrics is hosted by comedian Wayne Brady. I don't really "get" the appeal of this guy. Perhaps fellow comedian Paul Mooney said it best when he famously stated that "white people love Wayne Brady because he makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X". As game show hosts go, I would add that Wayne Brady makes Wink Martindale look like Alex Trebek.
So, who's hosting FOX's take on this marginal entertainment property? It's none over than Joey Fatone, member of 90s boyband, NSync.
Now kids, don't get too excited -- Joey's not the one who brought Sexy Back. That's Justin Timberlake. Nor is he The Gay One. That's Lance Bass. Obviously, he's NOT The Cute One. That's... whoever the fuck else was in the group. He the one who... well, let's just call him "The Other One." Even when NSync was at the height of its popularity, it was clear Joey Fatone was destined for bigger (read: smaller) and better (read: much smaller) things. As the host of a game show, Fatone can finally let his real talents shine through. Sadly, these talents amount to little more than the ability to speak in full sentences without drooling on himself. Clearly he's more than qualified to become our next president, but does he have the necessary charisma to be an effective game show host? Not so much.
So that's your choice: Brady vs. Fatone. Not much of a choice, really. Rather like being forced to choose between being punched in the nuts or being kicked in the nuts. Either way, OWWWW MY NUTS!@!!%*$*@!
July 09, 2007
The Monday Spew: Age of Love
In Age of Love, washed up tennis player Mark Philippoussis is looking for love. Will he find it among skanky 40-something bitches or will he instead hook up with perky-yet-intolerable 20-something hoes?
"Tune in when seven beautiful, sophisticated women in their 40's, playfully nicknamed the 'Cougars,' vie for the affections of 30-year-old Australian tennis superstar Mark Philippoussis, along with six fun, enthusiastic women in their 20's, coined the 'Kittens.' But only one woman can win Mark's heart. Is she an attractive, experienced woman who knows what she wants and has already carved out a niche of her own? Or, is she a sexy younger woman who lacks the experience of her older counterpart, but has an enthusiasm for life that only comes with the inexperience of youth?"
These are excellent questions. But I've got an even more interestinger question:
Yes. That's the question.
These dating shows are only as interesting as the "twist" behind them. Seriously, how excited are we supposed to get about a battle of bitchy, annoying post-adolescents vs. bitchy, annoying soccermoms? YAWN. That's not a twist. It's hardly even a tweak. Scarcely a twiddle. If you want to get my attention, and the attention of legions of fickle/jaded Reality TV viewers, you need to flip the script on this shizz... BIG TIME!
And that's exactly what I've done. I'm currently in talks with NBC to produce a new dating show that will REALLY get the bitties in the typing pool chattering during their coffee breaks. Here's an except from an upcoming press release:
"When it comes to love, age doesn't matter. But try telling that to a judge!"
"From the Producers of The Bachelor and Dateline's To Catch a Predator comes "Age of Consent", a thrilling new dating competition which asks the question: can you tell the legal hotties from the underage skeezers? Recently paroled bachelor Curtis "Assbag" Monroe hasn't been with a woman in over 18 months. Sexy romantic fun ensues when 12 vivacious bachelorettes compete for his heart -- and for a significant cash prize. The twist: some of these buxom beauties are only 15 years old! Each week these young women (the "Barely Legals") battle the REALLY young women (the Jailbait") for a date with Bachelor Curtis. If Mr. Assbag can eliminate the underage girls and select an age-legal finalist, the new couple will head off on a luxurious island getaway. However, if Curtis chooses wrong, he'll be humiliated by series host Chris Hansen and turned over to the LAPD."
This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call "appointment viewing." Keep an eye out for it this fall.
The Monday Spew: Special TV Edition!
Television: Our Trusted Friend. She's there for us when we're lonely, when we're bored... when we're depressed and bored AND lonely. So, you know, she's there for us pretty much every miserable moment of our worthless lives. HOORAY TELEVISION! TV makes us feel better about ourselves by showing us people dumber and uglier than we are. Then she makes us feel horrible about ourselves by showing us people more beautiful and talented than we can ever hope to be! But that's OK, because then she makes us feel better again by showing us people getting kicked in the nuts while wacky music plays in the background!
For her decades of dedicated service to the human race, today's Monday Spew is dedicated to Ms. Television. Stay tuned for TV reviews, TV previews, and for pictures of hairy men dressed up like Cher BECAUSE TRANSVESTITES ARE ALSO SOMETIMES CALLED "TV". But mostly, it will be about Television because I don't particularly enjoy googling for transvestite pictures.
So far as you know.
(If you can't wait for the Spew to begin, please check out this story I wrote a few months back about purchasing a new television. It is both entertaining AND educational.)
July 02, 2007
The Monday Spew: Fergaliciousness
I learned something interesting today. The word "Fergalicious" is derived from the ancient Greek word "Fergaepoli". This word loosely translates as "one who is filled with syphilis".
Wait... now I'm checking my Latin dictionary. "Fergalicious" might actually be derived from the Latin word "fergalium", which means "shitty Gwen Stefani ripoff."