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June 01, 2007

TV Review: Pirate Master

Everyone loves pirates! They wear cool costumes, sing festive songs and say "ARRRGH" a lot. What's not to love?

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In fact, pirates are so lovable, CBS has created a new Reality show based around their thrilling aquatic adventures. Pirate Master is the first television program that casts regular people as treasure-seeking, swashbuckling pirates! Really, there's only one problem with the show.

It's total bullshit.

In Pirate Master, the contestants dress up like pirates and sail around looking for hidden treasure. Of course, pirates are strongly associated with treasure, particularly of the buried variety. But pirates didn't make their living digging up treasure that other pirates had buried. Obviously. If piracy worked that way, the whole enterprise would have been nothing more than a gigantic pyramid scheme. As a general rule, most pirates preferred to hold onto their treasure, as opposed to burying it in remote locations for random land-lubbers to stumble upon.

So how DID pirates get their hands on all that booty? By stealing shit and killing people, mostly. And raping. Don't forget the raping!

This is the problem with CBS's Pirate Master. No raping, no killing, no stealing. Not even a humble Pegboy! All these so called pirates do is sail around, looking for conveniently placed treasure chests. And they bicker a lot (which is a given for programs in this genre).

Personally, I'd love to see a REAL Pirate Reality show -- one that's based on historical fact rather than Disney-esque fiction. Any authentic show about pirates must include the following:

Murder
Scurvy
Dismemberment
Sodomy
Infected Stab Wounds
Trollops
Walking the Plank
Dysentery
MORE SODOMY

Until Pirate Master incorporates the elements listed above, I can only award the show four Joeys Wearing Pirate Hats.

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Posted by Joey at June 1, 2007 04:48 PM

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