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June 28, 2007

Covering My Ass: Joey Headset Buys New Underwear!

Well, it finally happened. I'm down to my LAST pair of underwear. Not my last *clean* pair of underwear, my last pair of underwear PERIOD. For a few months I had been rotating two pairs. I'd wear one underpant for a week, or until it was so dirty the smell penetrated dense cloud of aftershave and Axe Bodyspray that surrounds me wherever I go. Then I'd switch over to the alternate pair, laundering the first. By "laundering it", of course, I mean pinning it to my windshield while I drove through the carwash.

This system wasn't perfect, but I was making it work! But with the loss of my backup pair (due to a wedgie contest that got COMPLETELY out of control) I'm now in a dire underpants emergency!

At first I thought I could make a new pair. I've read some intriguing webpages that demonstrate how you can make your own undergarments out of duct tape, twine and grocery bags (plastic, not paper). However, this seems like a LOT of work. Too much, really. I guess I'll have to bite the bullet and buy a new pair. Actually, I'll probably end up buying a few. The underwear industry insists on selling their product in "convenient" 4-packs. Convenient my ass! If you're a thrifty shopper, like me, who only wants to buy a single pair, you're pretty much screwed.

I guess I can always sell the extras on ebay.

Anyway, its been awhile since my last purchase, so I did some research. I was hoping there had been some major advancements in underwear technology: wireless underwear with Bluetooth, electric hybrid underwear with superior ass milage (GET IT? "ASS MILAGE"!!! THAT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS!!! HAHAHA WOOOOO!)... something like that. Sadly, it appears that very little has changed in skivvy-tech. Walking down the Men's Intimates aisle at my favorite apparel emporium, I faced the same dilemma my great grandaddy Tobias J. Headset faced so many years ago: boxers vs briefs.

This debate has raged for centuries, often turning violent. If I'm not mistaken, World War I ignited when a Serbian student assassinated Archduke Ferdinand -- for wearing boxer shorts rather than briefs. It's no surprise men are so divided over this issue: there are compelling arguments in favor of both.

Like most people with testicles, I grew up covering those testicles with plain cotton briefs. Underoos, tighty-whities, nut-grabbers -- there's just something undeniably comforting about them. Putting on a pair of briefs is like stepping into an old pair of slippers. Slippers that cover your man-sack. Briefs also provide excellent testicular support. Strap your scrotum into a pair of briefs, and your little buddies will stay snug and secure. You really don't want your junk sloshing around down there. The fellas know what I'm talking about.

Briefs are functional, practical... but boxers are just SO COOL. Every cool guy you know wears boxer shorts -- it's a fact. Boxers are sleek, sexy, MANLY. Though they lack the crotchular support of briefs, they make up for it through superior ventilation. In those hot summer months, there is nothing more refreshing than a cool breeze circulating around your boy nuggets.

ARGGGH. I can't decide between them! If only there were some middle ground, some compromise between boxers and briefs.

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Whoa!!! It's like I've died and gone to underwear heaven! I bet this is what Jesus wore while he was being crucified or boiled in lava or whatever. Boxer Briefs look cool while securing my man-marbles. And they even come in two styles! Regular and African American.

ttt_bxrbrf_hmoz_1.jpg

Of course, there are other options. For the adventurous crowd, there's the so-called Banana Hammock. Jock Straps are the perfect choice for men who like to point... but don't like to use their fingers.

ttt_cma_bnahmk_3.jpg

And, for those who are perilously lacking in trunk junk, there is underwear with ASS PADDING!

Finally, there is always the bold option of eschewing underwear altogether -- Going Commando, as they say. I admire those who are willing to buck social norms and "let it all hang out". I just worry about chafing. Chafing is bad. If you're going to go this route, you need to make sure that all of your male parts are sufficiently lubricated. From time to time, I like to go without underwear... but I protect my vital organs by slathering the relevant area with a combination of mayonnaise and 10W-40 High Viscosity motor oil. I've actually applied for a patent for this mixture and within the next 6 months I'll be marketing it under the brand name CrotchGard.

Posted by Joey at June 28, 2007 03:58 AM

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