June 28, 2007
Covering My Ass: Joey Headset Buys New Underwear!
Well, it finally happened. I'm down to my LAST pair of underwear. Not my last *clean* pair of underwear, my last pair of underwear PERIOD. For a few months I had been rotating two pairs. I'd wear one underpant for a week, or until it was so dirty the smell penetrated dense cloud of aftershave and Axe Bodyspray that surrounds me wherever I go. Then I'd switch over to the alternate pair, laundering the first. By "laundering it", of course, I mean pinning it to my windshield while I drove through the carwash.
This system wasn't perfect, but I was making it work! But with the loss of my backup pair (due to a wedgie contest that got COMPLETELY out of control) I'm now in a dire underpants emergency!
At first I thought I could make a new pair. I've read some intriguing webpages that demonstrate how you can make your own undergarments out of duct tape, twine and grocery bags (plastic, not paper). However, this seems like a LOT of work. Too much, really. I guess I'll have to bite the bullet and buy a new pair. Actually, I'll probably end up buying a few. The underwear industry insists on selling their product in "convenient" 4-packs. Convenient my ass! If you're a thrifty shopper, like me, who only wants to buy a single pair, you're pretty much screwed.
I guess I can always sell the extras on ebay.
Anyway, its been awhile since my last purchase, so I did some research. I was hoping there had been some major advancements in underwear technology: wireless underwear with Bluetooth, electric hybrid underwear with superior ass milage (GET IT? "ASS MILAGE"!!! THAT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS!!! HAHAHA WOOOOO!)... something like that. Sadly, it appears that very little has changed in skivvy-tech. Walking down the Men's Intimates aisle at my favorite apparel emporium, I faced the same dilemma my great grandaddy Tobias J. Headset faced so many years ago: boxers vs briefs.
This debate has raged for centuries, often turning violent. If I'm not mistaken, World War I ignited when a Serbian student assassinated Archduke Ferdinand -- for wearing boxer shorts rather than briefs. It's no surprise men are so divided over this issue: there are compelling arguments in favor of both.
Like most people with testicles, I grew up covering those testicles with plain cotton briefs. Underoos, tighty-whities, nut-grabbers -- there's just something undeniably comforting about them. Putting on a pair of briefs is like stepping into an old pair of slippers. Slippers that cover your man-sack. Briefs also provide excellent testicular support. Strap your scrotum into a pair of briefs, and your little buddies will stay snug and secure. You really don't want your junk sloshing around down there. The fellas know what I'm talking about.
Briefs are functional, practical... but boxers are just SO COOL. Every cool guy you know wears boxer shorts -- it's a fact. Boxers are sleek, sexy, MANLY. Though they lack the crotchular support of briefs, they make up for it through superior ventilation. In those hot summer months, there is nothing more refreshing than a cool breeze circulating around your boy nuggets.
ARGGGH. I can't decide between them! If only there were some middle ground, some compromise between boxers and briefs.
Whoa!!! It's like I've died and gone to underwear heaven! I bet this is what Jesus wore while he was being crucified or boiled in lava or whatever. Boxer Briefs look cool while securing my man-marbles. And they even come in two styles! Regular and African American.
Of course, there are other options. For the adventurous crowd, there's the so-called Banana Hammock. Jock Straps are the perfect choice for men who like to point... but don't like to use their fingers.
And, for those who are perilously lacking in trunk junk, there is underwear with ASS PADDING!
Finally, there is always the bold option of eschewing underwear altogether -- Going Commando, as they say. I admire those who are willing to buck social norms and "let it all hang out". I just worry about chafing. Chafing is bad. If you're going to go this route, you need to make sure that all of your male parts are sufficiently lubricated. From time to time, I like to go without underwear... but I protect my vital organs by slathering the relevant area with a combination of mayonnaise and 10W-40 High Viscosity motor oil. I've actually applied for a patent for this mixture and within the next 6 months I'll be marketing it under the brand name CrotchGard.
June 25, 2007
Customer Service Scenario #1
Question: A customer complains that her coffee isn't hot enough and demands a fresh cup.
A) Say: "I'm sorry you weren't satisfied with your coffee, m'am, We'll take care of that right away." and serve her a fresh cup.
B) Take the coffee out of her hand, throw it in her face and (as she's screaming in agony) yell "SEEMS LIKE IT'S HOT ENOUGH NOW, DON'T IT, BITCH?"
Answer: This is a trick question. The correct answer is A *and* B. Great customer service is all about give and take. In this case the employee should:
- Take the customer's existing cup of coffee.
- Give her 2nd degree facial burns.
- Take an opportunity to show what happens to customers who whine about their coffee. And...
- Give her a fresh cup of coffee, just to show here that there's no hard feelings.
By meeting your customer's needs -- but only after inflicting grievous bodily injury upon her -- you're sending a strong message. You're telling the customer: "Your satisfaction is important to us -- BUT DON'T STEP TO US OR WE'LL FUCK YOU THE HELL UP."
Photo by Curtis Perry.
June 19, 2007
Know Your Units
There's a rapper called Young Buck. He's a member of G-Unit, a sort of Anarchafeminist Hip hop collective. Well, he was a member. Now he's started his own unit. A New Unit. The inturrnet is all a flutter about this fairly shitty rapper and his amazing New Unit. With the inclusion of Young Buck's newly spawned Unit, there are quite a lot of Units out there. It's so hard to keep track of them all! In order to make it easier, I offer the following.
June 11, 2007
Veronica Mars Cancelled
It's official: The CW has cancelled Veronica Mars! Since this was the only show I actually watch on this so-called television network, I wonder... what spectacular shows do they have in development that are so HELLA-SUPER-AWESOME that they'd be willing to flush their only decent show down the toilet just to make room on the schedule?
Needless to say, all my questions were answered when I ventured onto the CW website to check out their Fall 2007 line-up. They've got so many AMAZING shows on the way, it's quite understandable why Veronica Mars had to be brushed aside. Here are just a few of the televisual treats that await CW viewers this fall!
Rich young (mostly) white people are obsessed with some inturrnet blog written by some anonymous rich young (mostly) white person. Will the hot hot socialites find out the identity of the Gossip Girl blogger (thereby ensuring the immediate end of the series)? Will hot sexy rich teens hook up and then betray each other by hooking up with other hot sexiness? And, of course, lets not forget the BIG QUESTION: will anyone watch this for the 3-4 weeks it will last before its inevitable cancelation???
Carson Kressley (the REALLY gay guy on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy) and some other bitch "referee an eight-episode competition that dares to pit mother-daughter teams against each other in a no-holds-barred beauty pageant". This is the perfect show for bulimics who are too lazy to stick fingers down their throat.
You know those fun video clips you like to watch on the internet? Haven't you ever wished you could watch the exact same videos... ON TELEVISION? I could go on about how stupid this is. And on. AND ON. Actually... I already have, in my classic essay "The Internet. On TV!"
It's a half hour of fashion and pop culture reports by annoying American Idol rejects and former Reality TV contestants. The perfect show for Americans who don't have health insurance and can't afford to pay for their lobotomy out-of-pocket.
Reality show. Farm Boy wants to meet a nice City Girl to be his Missus. Bitchery and inanity ensue. You've never seen anything like this show! (Unless you've watched television at any point in the last 10 years, in which case you've likely seen 5 or 6 shows exactly like it).
Hot young twenty somethings learn that working a job is "like totally hard n' stuff"! Television viewers learn that The WB is the biggest piece of shit excuse for a television network EVAR.
June 10, 2007
Sopranos Series Finale Spoilers!
A lot of you are anxiously anticipating The Soprano's SERIES FINALE later on tonight. As usual, I received an early copy for review (SHUT UP I DO SO RECEIVE PREVIEW COPIES OF POPULAR TELEVISION PROGRAMS!) and I am now prepared to
ruin the ending provide you with exclusive spoilers!
If you are one of those losers who actually prefers to watch TV shows and movies without already knowing exactly what's going to happen, stop reading now.
In recent episodes, life has been hard for Mr. Anthony Soprano. Rival mobsters are trying to kill him and the FBI is looking to put his fat, Italian-American ass in prison. Trapped like a gerbil in a cage, Tony is desperate to find a way out. And, in the series finale, that's exactly what he does.
In the final episode, Tony evades both federal authorities and mafia assassins by hiding out in a convent. DRESSED AS A NUN!
A shocking ending, with HILARIOUS consequences! See Tony, er "Sister Antonia" threaten to wack one of his sunday school students after he suggests the portly Antonia lose a few pounds. See that adorable tyke learn that Sister Antonia doesn't use a ruler to wack unruly students... he uses a Glock! Also check out the wacky hijinx ensue when Sister Antonia has to coach a baseball team of troubled inner-city youths.
We can only hope that this series finale represents, not the end of The Sopranos, but the beginning of a brilliant new spinoff series.
June 01, 2007
TV Review: Pirate Master
Everyone loves pirates! They wear cool costumes, sing festive songs and say "ARRRGH" a lot. What's not to love?
In fact, pirates are so lovable, CBS has created a new Reality show based around their thrilling aquatic adventures. Pirate Master is the first television program that casts regular people as treasure-seeking, swashbuckling pirates! Really, there's only one problem with the show.
It's total bullshit.
In Pirate Master, the contestants dress up like pirates and sail around looking for hidden treasure. Of course, pirates are strongly associated with treasure, particularly of the buried variety. But pirates didn't make their living digging up treasure that other pirates had buried. Obviously. If piracy worked that way, the whole enterprise would have been nothing more than a gigantic pyramid scheme. As a general rule, most pirates preferred to hold onto their treasure, as opposed to burying it in remote locations for random land-lubbers to stumble upon.
So how DID pirates get their hands on all that booty? By stealing shit and killing people, mostly. And raping. Don't forget the raping!
This is the problem with CBS's Pirate Master. No raping, no killing, no stealing. Not even a humble Pegboy! All these so called pirates do is sail around, looking for conveniently placed treasure chests. And they bicker a lot (which is a given for programs in this genre).
Personally, I'd love to see a REAL Pirate Reality show -- one that's based on historical fact rather than Disney-esque fiction. Any authentic show about pirates must include the following:
Infected Stab Wounds
Walking the Plank
Until Pirate Master incorporates the elements listed above, I can only award the show four Joeys Wearing Pirate Hats.