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May 11, 2007

OJ Friendly Dining Establishments

OJ Simpson is a celebrity. Of sorts. And, as a general rule, celebrities get into ALL the finest restaurants. Spago, The French Laundry, The Olive Garden.

So boy was I surprised when I heard that the Juiceman was denied service at a classy Louisville Restaurant called Jeff Ruby's Steakhouse. HOW DO YOU DENY FOOD TO A FAMOUS PERSON? But then I remembered -- the restaurant in question was a steakhouse. And what do you get at a steakhouse?

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Yes. Obviously, dumbass. What's the OTHER thing you get at a steakhouse? Steak-KNIVES. And that's a problem. See, when OJ and knives get together... bad things tend to happen. Allegedly. So you really can't blame a steakhouse for telling OJ to scram. It's a very reasonable safety precaution.

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Now, now, OJ... don't get your blood-stained gloves up in a twist. There are plenty of great restaurants that should be happy to serve you. Here are a few suggestions.

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Tommy J's House o' Noodles (San Francisco): This upscale ramen joint is famous for its delicious noodle soup dishes. Though the noodles are thick and delightfully "al dente" they are probably NOT thick enough to strangle someone with. So no worries there. Plus, patrons are generally provided chop sticks with their meals. These humble utensils are ideal for noodle-slurping, but are virtually useless as a stabbing weapon. I suppose if you jammed a chopstick through a person's throat, it would probably kill them. But the same could be said for any throat-puncturing object. Therefore, I'm certain that owner and executive chef Tommy J. would Mr. Simpson to his establishment with open arms. Just so long as he's cool with serving brutal murderers.

Cafe Kasbah (Boston): Offering an intriguing menu of Moroccan-fusion cuisine, OJ is in for an exciting dining experience. And the best part? Moroccan food is traditionally eaten with your fingers! No knives, no forks -- just fingers. Even OJ can't kill someone with his fingers. Though I once read that ninjas know seven different ways of killing a man with just their pinky finger. But I'm pretty sure OJ Simpson is NOT a ninja. So he should be OK.

Los Asesinos Biker Bar (Tijuana): This Mexican dive bar has been the site of 33 homicides over the last 10 years, as well as 86 gun and knife related woundings. Those numbers really speak to me. You know what they say? "OJ WELCOME!" Life is cheap at Los Asesinos, and we've already seen how frugal OJ is when it comes to the lives of other people. Like the fictitious bar "Cheers," this is a place where everybody knows your name. Fortunately, they all tend to FORGET your name when the Federales come around, asking how those corpses ended up in the dumpster out back.

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With such great dining options available, OJ Simpson need not worry about being thrown out of respectable restaurants. This is America. And in America we don't care if you're black, white, or an unrepentant murderer. Just so long as you're not liberal or gay.

Posted by Joey at May 11, 2007 04:47 AM

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