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May 05, 2007

Handicapping the Derby

Americans love horse racing. It's like NASCAR, but much slower!!! And no horse race has captured America's imagination like the Kentucky Derby. The tradition, the pageantry... all those crazy rich white people wearing stupid hats. I just can't get enough.

Of course, the Derby is more than just a horse race. There's also the drinking. AND THE GAMBLING. For the drinking, we have the delicious Mint Julip. Personally, I'll be drinking Julipritas, the cocktail I invented last year which allows me to celebrate the Derby and Cinco de Mayo simultaneously. As for the gambling, there's nothing quite as thrilling as betting a month's salary on whether some horse is going to run faster than another horse.

I've done some research on the race -- or "handicapped" it, if you will. Against my better judgement, I'm going to share my painstaking research with you, the Joey Headset reader.

THE FRONTRUNNERS

Even casual fans of the Derby are probably aware that this year's race has two standout contenders: Curlin and Street Sense. Curlin looks very strong, but didn't race as a two-year-old. This is apparently a big deal for people who actually follow and know about such things. However, I would point out that many great racing champions didn't race at the tender age of two: Dale Earnhardt, Lance Armstrong, Speed Racer. If Curlin can't get the job done, the next best option seems to be Street Sense. Sired by the famous racehorse Street Cred, this horse has all the speed of her parent, but hasn't been been convicted of any gang related shootings or stabbings. Remember kids, the difference between street SENSE and street CRED is about 5-10 years at a state correctional facility.

THE LONGSHOTS

Screw the frontrunners. Yeah, I guess you could put some money on a horse that is likely to win. But where's the fun in THAT? The whole point of gambling is to bet on stuff that is extremely unlikely to happen -- but will pay off HUGE should the unthinkable actually occur. That's why my money always goes on the longshots. Here are a few I've got my eye on.

At 14-1, I think you can get great value out of Chunky Lovah, a rather rotund horse with great fighting spirit. If they can pry the feed bag off him before the race, he's got a real shot.

Another intriguing option is Yay or Neigh. Sired by Limpy and grandsired by Gammy Joe, this not-so-thoroughbred was rescued from an unlicensed petting zoo in Cincinnati. Yay or Neigh's unorthodox three-legged gallop style could surprise the competition. Or at least drive them to unstoppable fits of equine laughter.

Finally, it might be worth putting a few dollars on Mr. and Mrs. Ed -- the first hermaphrodite to race for the roses. This "he-mare" might be one of God's Little Accidents, but he she it sure can run!

Of course, there's also the fan-favorite horse, Tiny Jim.

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Yeah... I don't really see him winning.

THE **REALLY** LONGSHOTS

The following list of horses probably won't win the Kentucky Derby. They almost certainly won't place or show either. In fact, there might be good money betting that these horses won't actually cross the finish line. Nevertheless, if you like to gamble, you should consider wagering on:

Meat Torpedo
French Entree
Alexander Haig
Quickdraw McWolfowitz
Caulk Blocker
Dr. Glue
This Lousy Tee Shirt
MacGyver's Left Nut
Discount Dogfood
Mongolian Whore
Pork Byproduct
Black Booty
Violated by Yokels
Hit the Hay
Hay Hay Hay
Haul and Oats
High Ho' Silver
Secretary-what

Posted by Joey at May 5, 2007 09:18 PM

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