May 28, 2007
The Monday Spew: Gilmore Girls Cancellation Aftermath
The CW, which is apparently a television network (SHUT UP THAT JOKE SO DOESN'T GET OLD), recently cancelled long-running fan-favorite Gilmore Girls.
By "fan-favorite", of course, I mean that the show was EXTREMELY popular -- among the twelve or so people who can actually stand watching it for more than thirty seconds at a time. Hard core fans, who refer to themselves as Gilmorons, are very upset. What will they do without all that
inane asinine "clever" mother-daughter banter? Fans LOVE Gilmore Girls dialogue, which suggests that they've spent so little time around other people that they've forgotten what normal human conversation sounds like. This certainly jives with the Gilmorons' well established reputation as socially inept weirdoes who rarely leave their homes.
Clearly Gilmore fans were never particularly "well-adjusted" individuals. And, in the aftermath of the cancellation, many psychologists worry that hysterical fans might harm themselves. In the interest of preventing mass suicide, here are a few suggestions -- Coping Mechanisms, if you will -- that can help fans of Gilmore Girls survive without their favorite show.
Get Another Kitty-Cat: A Nielson survey from 2005 indicates that the average Gilmore Girls viewer owns somewhere between four and seventeen cats. BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS GET ANOTHER! Nothing takes the sting off of crippling loneliness like a spanking new kitten.
Pray for a Spinoff: The CW just cancelled Veronica Mars -- a show enjoyed by emotionally stable people who have personal relationships with real people. This leaves some empty space in the CW line-up for a show that reaches the creepy shut-in demographic. And what could appeal to that demo better than a Gilmore Girls spinoff! Daughter Rory may have left the nest, but that doesn't mean mom Lorelai can't continue with the fast-paced pop-culture savvy banter! The only difference? Now Lorelai's talking to herself! TV history will be made when The CW debuts "That Crazy Gilmore Lady Who Talks To Herself" this fall.
Xanax and Reruns: Pop a pill, pop in a Gilmore Girls Season 3 DVD. That's a recipe for Friday Night Magic.
May 11, 2007
OJ Friendly Dining Establishments
OJ Simpson is a celebrity. Of sorts. And, as a general rule, celebrities get into ALL the finest restaurants. Spago, The French Laundry, The Olive Garden.
So boy was I surprised when I heard that the Juiceman was denied service at a classy Louisville Restaurant called Jeff Ruby's Steakhouse. HOW DO YOU DENY FOOD TO A FAMOUS PERSON? But then I remembered -- the restaurant in question was a steakhouse. And what do you get at a steakhouse?
Yes. Obviously, dumbass. What's the OTHER thing you get at a steakhouse? Steak-KNIVES. And that's a problem. See, when OJ and knives get together... bad things tend to happen. Allegedly. So you really can't blame a steakhouse for telling OJ to scram. It's a very reasonable safety precaution.
Now, now, OJ... don't get your blood-stained gloves up in a twist. There are plenty of great restaurants that should be happy to serve you. Here are a few suggestions.
Tommy J's House o' Noodles (San Francisco): This upscale ramen joint is famous for its delicious noodle soup dishes. Though the noodles are thick and delightfully "al dente" they are probably NOT thick enough to strangle someone with. So no worries there. Plus, patrons are generally provided chop sticks with their meals. These humble utensils are ideal for noodle-slurping, but are virtually useless as a stabbing weapon. I suppose if you jammed a chopstick through a person's throat, it would probably kill them. But the same could be said for any throat-puncturing object. Therefore, I'm certain that owner and executive chef Tommy J. would Mr. Simpson to his establishment with open arms. Just so long as he's cool with serving brutal murderers.
Cafe Kasbah (Boston): Offering an intriguing menu of Moroccan-fusion cuisine, OJ is in for an exciting dining experience. And the best part? Moroccan food is traditionally eaten with your fingers! No knives, no forks -- just fingers. Even OJ can't kill someone with his fingers. Though I once read that ninjas know seven different ways of killing a man with just their pinky finger. But I'm pretty sure OJ Simpson is NOT a ninja. So he should be OK.
Los Asesinos Biker Bar (Tijuana): This Mexican dive bar has been the site of 33 homicides over the last 10 years, as well as 86 gun and knife related woundings. Those numbers really speak to me. You know what they say? "OJ WELCOME!" Life is cheap at Los Asesinos, and we've already seen how frugal OJ is when it comes to the lives of other people. Like the fictitious bar "Cheers," this is a place where everybody knows your name. Fortunately, they all tend to FORGET your name when the Federales come around, asking how those corpses ended up in the dumpster out back.
With such great dining options available, OJ Simpson need not worry about being thrown out of respectable restaurants. This is America. And in America we don't care if you're black, white, or an unrepentant murderer. Just so long as you're not liberal or gay.
May 08, 2007
The Monday Spew: Sir Mix-a-Lot
Finally, rap music gets some respect from the one institution that has heretofore withheld its props: the British Monarchy.
On Sunday, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II bestowed the title of Knight upon Anthony Ray -- better known to his fans as Sir Mix-a-Lot. Sir Sir Mix-a-lot, as he will henceforth be addressed, was given his title for contributions to the rap music arts and sciences. After his Knighting, Mr. Ray honored Her Majesty with a command performance, including a 25 minute rendition of Baby Got Back accompanied by the London Philharmonic Orchestra.
After the concert, Sir Sir praised Queen Elizabeth II, stating that "Her ass is surprisingly phat... you know, for an 81-year-old white chick."
May 05, 2007
Handicapping the Derby
Americans love horse racing. It's like NASCAR, but much slower!!! And no horse race has captured America's imagination like the Kentucky Derby. The tradition, the pageantry... all those crazy rich white people wearing stupid hats. I just can't get enough.
Of course, the Derby is more than just a horse race. There's also the drinking. AND THE GAMBLING. For the drinking, we have the delicious Mint Julip. Personally, I'll be drinking Julipritas, the cocktail I invented last year which allows me to celebrate the Derby and Cinco de Mayo simultaneously. As for the gambling, there's nothing quite as thrilling as betting a month's salary on whether some horse is going to run faster than another horse.
I've done some research on the race -- or "handicapped" it, if you will. Against my better judgement, I'm going to share my painstaking research with you, the Joey Headset reader.
Even casual fans of the Derby are probably aware that this year's race has two standout contenders: Curlin and Street Sense. Curlin looks very strong, but didn't race as a two-year-old. This is apparently a big deal for people who actually follow and know about such things. However, I would point out that many great racing champions didn't race at the tender age of two: Dale Earnhardt, Lance Armstrong, Speed Racer. If Curlin can't get the job done, the next best option seems to be Street Sense. Sired by the famous racehorse Street Cred, this horse has all the speed of her parent, but hasn't been been convicted of any gang related shootings or stabbings. Remember kids, the difference between street SENSE and street CRED is about 5-10 years at a state correctional facility.
Screw the frontrunners. Yeah, I guess you could put some money on a horse that is likely to win. But where's the fun in THAT? The whole point of gambling is to bet on stuff that is extremely unlikely to happen -- but will pay off HUGE should the unthinkable actually occur. That's why my money always goes on the longshots. Here are a few I've got my eye on.
At 14-1, I think you can get great value out of Chunky Lovah, a rather rotund horse with great fighting spirit. If they can pry the feed bag off him before the race, he's got a real shot.
Another intriguing option is Yay or Neigh. Sired by Limpy and grandsired by Gammy Joe, this not-so-thoroughbred was rescued from an unlicensed petting zoo in Cincinnati. Yay or Neigh's unorthodox three-legged gallop style could surprise the competition. Or at least drive them to unstoppable fits of equine laughter.
Finally, it might be worth putting a few dollars on Mr. and Mrs. Ed -- the first hermaphrodite to race for the roses. This "he-mare" might be one of God's Little Accidents, but
he she it sure can run!
Of course, there's also the fan-favorite horse, Tiny Jim.
Yeah... I don't really see him winning.
THE **REALLY** LONGSHOTS
The following list of horses probably won't win the Kentucky Derby. They almost certainly won't place or show either. In fact, there might be good money betting that these horses won't actually cross the finish line. Nevertheless, if you like to gamble, you should consider wagering on:
This Lousy Tee Shirt
MacGyver's Left Nut
Violated by Yokels
Hit the Hay
Hay Hay Hay
Haul and Oats
High Ho' Silver