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April 05, 2007

Have a *Delicious* Easter

Once again, it's time for Easter: the holiest of Christian holidays. During Easter, Christians celebrate the day Jesus Christ joined the ranks of the walking dead. That infamous day began The Messiah's career as a full-fledged, brain-munching zombie who would terrorize Europe for centuries (as detailed in the Book of Mormon). Also, I think there's something about a Divine Bunny that hides eggs.

Though I'm not a Christian, I still love Easter, mostly because of the awesome candy confections that are only available around the holiday! Here are a few of my favorite Easter sweets:

Cadbury's Creme Eggs: These things are like frickin CRACK! The milk chocolate, the mysterious yellow "yolk" -- I could eat three dozen in a sitting. And one time, I actually did eat that many when I found a dollar store that was selling them for $0.25 apiece. I wound up puking creme filling for 8 solid hours, but it was totally worth it!

If you've seen the ads, you probably believe that the Creme Eggs are produced by specially bred rabbits. Clucking rabbits.

Of course, this commercial is pure fiction. Cadbury's Creme Eggs are not produced by rabbits. Can you imagine the sort of genetic engineering that would be required to create a breed of rabbits that could lay creme filled eggs AND make hilarious clucking noises? Such a species would be an abomination; spitting in face of God himself.

Not to worry, Cadbury's festive chocolate eggs are NOT produced by any kind of genetically altered rabbit! Rather, the Cadbury Creme Eggs are produced by chickens. Atomic chickens. These candy spawning birds are specially bred in an underground laboratory underneath the Cadbury Chocolate Company's corporate headquarters.

Peeps: It just wouldn't be Easter without colorful marshmallow peeps.

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Strictly speaking, Peeps are not classified as a food product. (Stupid FDA and their "food must be digestible by human beings" regulations.) It's true, most actual foods don't include substances like carnauba wax, a key ingredient in shoe polish and automotive wax. But, on the plus side, this waxy coating makes Peeps completely impervious to fire! Here's a Peep I attempted to roast in a bonfire last summer.

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After twenty minutes of searing heat, this little fella was slightly blackened and blistered, but still in remarkably good shape! In the future, I suspect firefighters will wear protective suits made entirely of Peeps. Just remember: though Peeps are heat resistant, they are NOT resistant to microwaves.

Nude Chocolate Jesus: With all this hubbub and hullaballoo about bunnies and colorful eggs, it's too easy to forget the true meaning of the season: Jesus! And what better way to celebrate His crucifixion and eventual zombification resurrection than by casting Jesus in chocolate -- TOTALLY NUDE -- and then devouring him on Easter Sunday with your closest family and friends. Soon to be available in stores, chocolate Jesuses can be purchased in both dark and white chocolate (though it's a matter of some controversy which one is more accurate). Some of the gormet choco-saviors come with a crunchy Crown of Nougat. It's as delicious as it is blasphemous!

Posted by Joey at April 5, 2007 08:42 AM

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