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April 25, 2007

Curse of the Madden

Congrats and kudos to Vincent Young, Jr.! This Tennesse TItans quarterback will grace the cover of Madden '08, the next installment of Electronic Arts' popular NFL Football game. Being selected for the cover is a great honor. Too bad it is certain to DESTROY Mr. Young... and everyone he loves.

You see, bad things happen to Madden coverboys. Very bad things. Superstars become third-stringers, once promising careers get relegated to the jock-strap hampers of football history. This phenomenon is known is the Madden Curse -- and it's for real.

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I respect your opinion, Vince. Really, I do. But you know what happens to people who "don't believe in curses"? In my experience, they get killed by mummies. Ancient Evil Mummies. If curses weren't real, people wouldn't believe in them (Same logic applies to Sasquatch, Flying Saucers and Norwegians). And, in the particular case of the Madden Curse, there's a long record of evidence backing it up. Still don't believe me? Let's look at who's been featured on past Madden covers, and what horrible fate befell them.

Shaun Alexander (2007): After a record setting 05-06 season, Shaun Alexander won the Madden cover honors for the 07' edition. And then the UNTHINKABLE happened: Alexander suffered an injury. The Seahawks running back broke his foot, missing six starts. What are the chances that an NFL running back would miss playing time due to an injury? Obviously it was the Curse!

Donovan McNabb (2006): After appearing on the Madden cover, McNabb had to play on the same team as Terrell Owens -- for the second year in a row! Therefore, we're not talking about the limited edition *Good Citizen* model T.O. from 2005, but rather the *Psycho Jackass* '06 model. Being forced to deal with the douchebaggery of Terrell Owens -- now THAT'S a curse any way you slice it.

Ray Lewis (2005): The first defensive player ever to land his mug on the Madden cover, Ray Lewis suffered terribly for this groundbreaking appearance. The day after EA released the game, Lewis came down with a wicked hemorrhoid (ouch) that could only be treated by rectal surgery (OUCH!!!). Though it was Lewis's face that made the cover, it was his ass that paid the price.

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Michael Vick (2004): Michael Vick is the only athlete who has lent his likeness to the Madden cover and avoided any unfortunate consequences. HOWEVER, Vick's alter-ego, Ron Mexico wasn't so lucky. During the '04 season, Mr. Mexico sought treatment for Herpes, Gonorrhea, Syphilis and a particularly nasty case of Tijuana Crotch-Rot. Sure, some might say that Vick's predilection for promiscuous sex with questionable women might have had something to do with these medical issues. But if every NFL player who behaved like Vick had the same kinda luck vis a vis social diseases... well, let's just say that Penicillin-ade would have replaced Gatorade as the official drink of the league long ago.

Daunte Culpepper (2002): For Vikings QB Daunte Culpepper, the Madden Curse took effect the moment he agreed to put himself on the Madden '02 box. Madden 2002 was crap. CRAP! It was the same game as Madden 2001, with slightly better graphics. Total ripoff. Culpepper's reputation will forever be tarnished by his association with this piece of worthless shovelware.

Eddie George (2001): After Electronic Arts honored George with the Madden 2001 cover, the Tennessee Titans RB accidentally decapitated himself with a pair of rusty garden shears.

Athletes who ignore the ancient and terrifying power of the Madden Curse do so AT THEIR PERIL. In the long history of the franchise, only two individuals have truly avoided this curse. Barry Saunders cheated his fate by spontaneously retiring from football in 2000, shortly after the game was released. Other than Saunders, the only other person to beat the curse was John Madden himself (who appeared on the cover of every edition of the game before 1998). The fact that the dark magic of the curse could never affect Madden is yet more proof of what I've been saying for years: that John Madden is, in fact, the Anti-christ.

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Posted by Joey at April 25, 2007 06:06 AM

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