April 25, 2007
Curse of the Madden
Congrats and kudos to Vincent Young, Jr.! This Tennesse TItans quarterback will grace the cover of Madden '08, the next installment of Electronic Arts' popular NFL Football game. Being selected for the cover is a great honor. Too bad it is certain to DESTROY Mr. Young... and everyone he loves.
You see, bad things happen to Madden coverboys. Very bad things. Superstars become third-stringers, once promising careers get relegated to the jock-strap hampers of football history. This phenomenon is known is the Madden Curse -- and it's for real.
I respect your opinion, Vince. Really, I do. But you know what happens to people who "don't believe in curses"? In my experience, they get killed by mummies. Ancient Evil Mummies. If curses weren't real, people wouldn't believe in them (Same logic applies to Sasquatch, Flying Saucers and Norwegians). And, in the particular case of the Madden Curse, there's a long record of evidence backing it up. Still don't believe me? Let's look at who's been featured on past Madden covers, and what horrible fate befell them.
Shaun Alexander (2007): After a record setting 05-06 season, Shaun Alexander won the Madden cover honors for the 07' edition. And then the UNTHINKABLE happened: Alexander suffered an injury. The Seahawks running back broke his foot, missing six starts. What are the chances that an NFL running back would miss playing time due to an injury? Obviously it was the Curse!
Donovan McNabb (2006): After appearing on the Madden cover, McNabb had to play on the same team as Terrell Owens -- for the second year in a row! Therefore, we're not talking about the limited edition *Good Citizen* model T.O. from 2005, but rather the *Psycho Jackass* '06 model. Being forced to deal with the douchebaggery of Terrell Owens -- now THAT'S a curse any way you slice it.
Ray Lewis (2005): The first defensive player ever to land his mug on the Madden cover, Ray Lewis suffered terribly for this groundbreaking appearance. The day after EA released the game, Lewis came down with a wicked hemorrhoid (ouch) that could only be treated by rectal surgery (OUCH!!!). Though it was Lewis's face that made the cover, it was his ass that paid the price.
Michael Vick (2004): Michael Vick is the only athlete who has lent his likeness to the Madden cover and avoided any unfortunate consequences. HOWEVER, Vick's alter-ego, Ron Mexico wasn't so lucky. During the '04 season, Mr. Mexico sought treatment for Herpes, Gonorrhea, Syphilis and a particularly nasty case of Tijuana Crotch-Rot. Sure, some might say that Vick's predilection for promiscuous sex with questionable women might have had something to do with these medical issues. But if every NFL player who behaved like Vick had the same kinda luck vis a vis social diseases... well, let's just say that Penicillin-ade would have replaced Gatorade as the official drink of the league long ago.
Daunte Culpepper (2002): For Vikings QB Daunte Culpepper, the Madden Curse took effect the moment he agreed to put himself on the Madden '02 box. Madden 2002 was crap. CRAP! It was the same game as Madden 2001, with slightly better graphics. Total ripoff. Culpepper's reputation will forever be tarnished by his association with this piece of worthless shovelware.
Eddie George (2001): After Electronic Arts honored George with the Madden 2001 cover, the Tennessee Titans RB accidentally decapitated himself with a pair of rusty garden shears.
Athletes who ignore the ancient and terrifying power of the Madden Curse do so AT THEIR PERIL. In the long history of the franchise, only two individuals have truly avoided this curse. Barry Saunders cheated his fate by spontaneously retiring from football in 2000, shortly after the game was released. Other than Saunders, the only other person to beat the curse was John Madden himself (who appeared on the cover of every edition of the game before 1998). The fact that the dark magic of the curse could never affect Madden is yet more proof of what I've been saying for years: that John Madden is, in fact, the Anti-christ.
April 23, 2007
The Monday Spew: Are you ready for some BINGO?
I like game shows. Not HARD game shows like Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune (I can never guess the words LOL!). Those are stupid. I prefer nice simple game shows like Deal or No Deal and Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader (as it turns out, I'm not). But sometimes even those shows are a little too tricky for me. In Deal or No Deal, you have to pick a number, then pick some more numbers, and then decide if you want to pick some more numbers or not. It a lot of work. Why can't they make a game where someone picks all the numbers for you?
They already have!
Bingo is a classic American pastime, enjoyed by 9 year olds, 90 year olds, and virtually no one in-between! Now, by popular demand, ABC TV is bringing BINGO prime time TV. This is a brilliant move. The only thing more exciting than putting little plastic chips on a bingo card is watching other people do it.
Of course, there will be no plastic chips on National Bingo Night. And no ping balls with numbers, no glue sticks or paper cards. N.B.N. is going Hi-Tek with this shit! According to ABC's press release:
"In the studio, a contestant will race against the studio audience as balls numbered from 1-75 are randomly selected from a giant, two-and-a-half story sphere set in a high tech "Bingo Plex" arena."
Two and a half stories... imagine how big they'd have to make the bingo balls that fill the chamber. They must be the size of a mid-size sedan. If one of those things gets loose, it could crush a few dozen people. I'd tune in every week just for the chance of seeing some midwestern family get mashed into paste by a renegade B-16.
Shut up, Elvis.
April 21, 2007
This is Why I'm WHAT?
April 10, 2007
It's 6am. You're already lacing up your sneakers, getting ready for an invigorating 6 mile run. Just as you step out the door you realize: you are SO thirsty! You could always grab some Gatorade, but at this hour, you're just not up for traditional sports drink flavors. "Glacier Freeze" and "Riptide Rush" taste great in the afternoon, but not this early. "God fucking dammit", you think to yourself, "why can't they make Gatorade flavors that are right for the morning?"
CURSE NO MORE EXERCISE ENTHUSIAST!
Introducing Gatorade AM.
It's everything you love about Gatorade, but now in awesome breakfasty flavors like Orange-Strawberry, Tropical-Mango and Lunatic-Sadist. How MORNINGLICIOUS! Finally, Gatorade has developed a product that everyone can use!
And by "everyone", of course, I mean NOBODY.
Who the fuck goes running at 6am? Who's even awake at that hour (aside from Wal-Mart cashiers and those douche-bags on The Today Show)? I'm sure as crap not awake at dawn -- and if I was, the only running I'd be doing is a quick trip to the bathroom before crawling back under the covers.
I don't need special "morning flavors" of sports drink. In fact, I need the very opposite! I play in a hockey league that plays games at 9:30... ***PM***. I go to the gym in the evenings, play soccer at night. "God fucking dammit," I'm thinking to myself, "why can't they make Gatorade flavors that are right for the EVENING."
CURSE NO MORE JOEY HEADSET!
Introducing Gatorade PM -- an innovate sports drink product that I just invented! Gatorade PM contains everything I like about sports drinks, but in flavors I crave in the evenings. Flavors like: Vodka Rush, Bourbon Blast and Malt Liquor Frost. Gatorade PM quenches your thirst, hydrates your body and FUCKS YOU UP.
You just can't ask for more from a sports drink. Or from a bartender.
April 09, 2007
The Monday Spew: Hillary Duff's Dignity
As part of The Monday Spew, I'm going to review a new album every week. This week's selection: Hilary Duff's "Dignity".
Now, admittedly, I may not be the best person to review this album. I don't like Hilary Duff. And I REALLY don't like concept of "human dignity". If you think about it, a pop star with dignity is like a porn star wearing a chastity belt. NO FUN AT ALL. Pop-stars only serve one purpose in this world: entertainment. Ideally, they should provide this entertainment through music -- but anyone who's turned on a radio in the last 5 years knows that's not fucking likely. Therefore, popsters must entertain us in OTHER ways: generating sex tapes, stumbling in and out of rehab, flashing their va-jay-jays at the paparazzi every other week. Has Hillary done any of these simple tasks? HELL NO.
I liked Hilary Duff fine back when she was Disney Channel jailbait. But those days are gone. Now she's just another singing haircut, and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit through 14 tracks of her insipid dance-pop just to put a review up on this site.
So, instead, I'll just copy/paste a review of her album from Amazon:
* * * * * LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I own this cd,and it is my favorite of all cds.I have about 15 cd's,and this will always be my favorite!My dad got it for me as an Easter present because I love Hilary duff.Dignity is probably her best album.i love it.my suggestion is to buy it.ESPECIALLY if you're a big Hilary Duff fan like me!You'll love this album, I wouldn't lie.
Hey, the kid's got 15 WHOLE CDs... she knows what's up. But just in case the kid was lying when she said she wouldn't lie... here's a opposing viewpoint:
* * Not happy...
Okay, is Hilary Duff turning into clone? In this CD, all the songs are dance! She says she wouldn't want to abandon her younger audience, yet I hear all this and even hear a bad word in between! Okay, yeah, some kids may have girlfriends or boyfriends(I do!) but that's not what life is about and that's all Hilary says! UGH! Someone help us...(and her!)
Honestly, I never considered whether or not Hilary Duff was turning into a clone. We'll have to keep an eye on this situation.
The Monday Spew: Hello Pussycats
Screw American Idol. Discerning fans of Reality TV know where the REAL excitement is: On The CW. (That's a television network.) (No, seriously, it is.) America just can't get enough of Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll.
Sure, some cynical assholes might accuse PDP: tSftND of being a cheap Idol ripoff. They might also suggest that the show's respectable ratings can only be because America's Next Top Model fans are too stupid to operate a remote control without assistance -- and therefore unable to change the channel before Next Doll comes on afterwards. Pshaw! The reason why people watch the show is because everyone wants to know the answer to this question: WHO WILL BE THE NEXT MEMBER OF THAT GROUP THAT HAD TWO SONGS ON THE RADIO LAST YEAR!?!?!
Will it be:
Um... wait a minute. I've made a small error. The sexy ladies pictured above aren't contestants on Next Doll. It seems they are actually CURRENT MEMBERS of the group. Did you recognize them? Betcha didn't! In fact, I'd guess most people couldn't pick members of The Pussycat Dolls out of a police lineup. As anyone who's been to Vegas can tell you, trashy dancer girls are fairly interchangeable.
This leads to a rather obvious question: Is an exhaustive search really necessary when adding a new member to this group, when you could just as easily replace EVERY MEMBER of the group without anyone noticing the difference?
April 05, 2007
Have a *Delicious* Easter
Once again, it's time for Easter: the holiest of Christian holidays. During Easter, Christians celebrate the day Jesus Christ joined the ranks of the walking dead. That infamous day began The Messiah's career as a full-fledged, brain-munching zombie who would terrorize Europe for centuries (as detailed in the Book of Mormon). Also, I think there's something about a Divine Bunny that hides eggs.
Though I'm not a Christian, I still love Easter, mostly because of the awesome candy confections that are only available around the holiday! Here are a few of my favorite Easter sweets:
Cadbury's Creme Eggs: These things are like frickin CRACK! The milk chocolate, the mysterious yellow "yolk" -- I could eat three dozen in a sitting. And one time, I actually did eat that many when I found a dollar store that was selling them for $0.25 apiece. I wound up puking creme filling for 8 solid hours, but it was totally worth it!
If you've seen the ads, you probably believe that the Creme Eggs are produced by specially bred rabbits. Clucking rabbits.
Of course, this commercial is pure fiction. Cadbury's Creme Eggs are not produced by rabbits. Can you imagine the sort of genetic engineering that would be required to create a breed of rabbits that could lay creme filled eggs AND make hilarious clucking noises? Such a species would be an abomination; spitting in face of God himself.
Not to worry, Cadbury's festive chocolate eggs are NOT produced by any kind of genetically altered rabbit! Rather, the Cadbury Creme Eggs are produced by chickens. Atomic chickens. These candy spawning birds are specially bred in an underground laboratory underneath the Cadbury Chocolate Company's corporate headquarters.
Peeps: It just wouldn't be Easter without colorful marshmallow peeps.
Strictly speaking, Peeps are not classified as a food product. (Stupid FDA and their "food must be digestible by human beings" regulations.) It's true, most actual foods don't include substances like carnauba wax, a key ingredient in shoe polish and automotive wax. But, on the plus side, this waxy coating makes Peeps completely impervious to fire! Here's a Peep I attempted to roast in a bonfire last summer.
After twenty minutes of searing heat, this little fella was slightly blackened and blistered, but still in remarkably good shape! In the future, I suspect firefighters will wear protective suits made entirely of Peeps. Just remember: though Peeps are heat resistant, they are NOT resistant to microwaves.
Nude Chocolate Jesus: With all this hubbub and hullaballoo about bunnies and colorful eggs, it's too easy to forget the true meaning of the season: Jesus! And what better way to celebrate His crucifixion and eventual
zombification resurrection than by casting Jesus in chocolate -- TOTALLY NUDE -- and then devouring him on Easter Sunday with your closest family and friends. Soon to be available in stores, chocolate Jesuses can be purchased in both dark and white chocolate (though it's a matter of some controversy which one is more accurate). Some of the gormet choco-saviors come with a crunchy Crown of Nougat. It's as delicious as it is blasphemous!
April 03, 2007
The Monday Spew: Josh Groban
I just saw singer-songer writer Josh Groban perform on Jimmy Kimmel Live.
This performance confirmed what I have suspected for a long time: That Josh Groban is more deserving of a savage beating than any other person, anywhere in the world.
April 02, 2007
The Monday Spew: PBJ Day
Yes, there's a day for PBJ. It's today: National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day. Take a moment to reflect on what Peanut Butter and Jelly means to you!
If you're on the east coast, you still have 30 minutes to make yourself a nice sandwich in observance of this holiday.
However, if you're one of millions of Americans with a crippling fear of peanut butter, you should consider celebrating PBJ day by consuming a delightful Peanut Butter & Jelly Martini. It doesn't contain any peanut butter, but it does contain vodka!
This cocktail might also help you celebrate Sizdah be dar, the Iranian version of April Fool's Day. Iranians play wacky pranks on each other on April 3rd, just like we Americans do on the 1st day of April. If you happen to live in Iran, here's a fun practical joke you can play on a buddy. Have your friend come over and, instead of serving him tea, serve him a PBJ cocktail instead. Then, when he takes a sip, alert a local cleric that your friend was consuming alcohol -- a grievous violation of Islamic law. Then, have your friend stoned to death in the public square.
The Monday Spew: J-Lo en Espanol
Hey, Jennifer Lopez has a new album out. It's in SPANISH!
As a fluent speaker of this language (I took two and a half semseters of it in high school), I'm thrilled J-Lo is finally busting out some Spanish language pop. You know, just like Shakira, except crappier.
For all you non-spanish speakers, here are some translations of the song titles:
Tu --------> "You"
Sola --------> "Alone"
Adios --------> "Goodbye"
Por Arriesgarnos --------> "For Arriesgarnos"
Como Ama una Mujer --------> "Hey Look, I'm Singing in Spanish"
Amarte Es Todo --------> "Check out my ass"
Porque Te Marchas --------> "I used to date Puffy (WTF was I thinking)"
Te Voy a Querer --------> "No, seriously, what was I thinking?"
Que Hiciste --------> "Bitch, Don't Make Me Cut You"
Me Haces Falta --------> "Oops, I Did It Again"
The Monday Spew: Cheesecake
Do you like Cheesecake? OF COURSE YOU DO. Everyone loves cheesecake, even lactose intolerant people (for whom cheese based products are a one way ticket to severe gastrointestinal agony). Really, the only thing bad about cheesecake is how difficult it is to eat. Here, look at this slice of White Chocolate Raspberry Cheesecake from the Olive Garden.
Delicious, yes... but that looks like some complicated eatin'! With the crust and the whipped cream and the squiggly red stuff -- I don't even know where to start. Why can't someone take the cheesecake goodness I love and deliver it in a more convenient format?
Now THAT's what I'm talkin about. It's cheesecake filling, in a tub!
"Ready-To-Eat Cheesecake Filling" is brought to us by Kraft Foods, the same innovators who brought us Kraft Crumbles ("They're Crumbelievable!"). "One Step to Dessert Heaven." Sounds awesome! But, as always, you've got to read the fine print. On the package, consumers are instructed to "Simply spread Philadelphia Ready-To-Eat Cheesecake Filling into a 9" Honey Maid graham cracker crust, slice and serve." Spread, slice and serve? That sounds more like THREE steps to dessert heaven, which is two steps more than advertised.
Of course, one must assume that most of the people who buy this product will forgo all three steps -- instead opting to eat the creamy cheese goodness directly out of the tub.
The Monday Spew: An Introduction
What's the Monday Spew? No, it's NOT how I spend monday mornings kneeling in front of the toilet after another late Sunday drinking session. Rather, it's a new feature on this very website!
A lot of exciting things happen over the weekend. But not to me. See, while other people spend their weekends going to clubs, hanging out with friends, overthrowing small island nations... your boy Joey stays at home AND WATCHES TELEVISION! I also surf the internet and read trashy magazines. Why?
SHUT UP CEREAL MASCOTS. I spend the weekend devouring popular culture so I can spend Monday regurgitating it ALL OVER THIS WEBSITE. On Mondays, you can expect a torrent of quick and dirty posts about a wide range of topics. Topics include: stuff, things, crap, whatnot, thingies. And much, much more! So on Mondays, stay tuned to Joey Headset for a variety of useless and annoying posts.
Remember: these posts may not be entertaining, but the time you spend reading them at work is time you're getting paid for, even though you're not working. And that's what America is all about!