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March 29, 2007

Niche Racism

Racism used to be EASY. Back in "the day", you could make vicious, ignorant generalizations about blacks, Chinese, Mexicans -- without fear of offending anyone. Well, anyone besides the blacks, Chinese and Mexicans. I suppose THEY might have gotten offended. But even if they did, nobody cared... other than them. Bigotry was everywhere, and because it was everywhere, it just wasn't a big deal. Life was sweet (for racist assholes)!

Those halcyon days have up and gone -- just ask Mel Gibson. These days, you make one tiny little comment about Jews being "responsible for all the wars in the world" and everybody jumps down your booze-soaked throat! It's getting to the point where bigotry is more trouble than it's worth.

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Well put, Mel! If you're brave enough to maintain your ignorant, racist ways in the face of universal repudiation, then so can we all.

But it won't be easy. The bread and butter racism of yesteryear just doesn't WORK anymore. For instance, you can't go around saying terrible things about black people. There are SO MANY OF THEM! They'll boycott your chicken restaurants, diss you in rap songs. Maybe they'll just put a cap in yo ass. In fact, I'll probably get a cap in my ass just for writing those last two sentences. And deservedly so! Face it, all the minorities that racists used to slander have gained significant power and influence. If you make cracks about them, they're likely to crack you back.

So, what's the alternative? Once again, our friend Mel Gibson has the answer. Recently Mr. Gibson was confronted by a college professor who claimed his most recent film, Apocalypto, was racist. Racist... against Mayans. She's right, of course. Yet... Whereas Gibson's anti-semitic remarks caused a massive backlash, his campaign to portray Mayans as ultraviolent savages with a taste for human sacrifice was largely ignored. This is hardly a surprise. Do you know any Mayans? I sure don't. It's a dead culture, right? Outside a handful of academics and activist types, nobody cares what you say about Mayans.

This is a perfect example of what I like to call Niche Racism. A Niche Racist is filled with prejudice and hate, but aims all that vitriol at marginal groups: dead cultures, sub-minorities, people who eat at Arby's. If you're looking to dangle your toes in the waters of bigotry, Niche Racism might be just the thing for you! All you have to do is select an appropriate group to hate. If you find yourself at a loss, here are a few suggestions.

The Swiss: Fuck the Swiss! They're a bunch of chocolate munching, clock-tinkering pansies, with their ridiculous pocketknives and lame-ass policy of political neutrality. And isn't it about time that blonde, blue-eyed people got a taste of the same medicine they've been dishing out to the swarthier races for hundreds of years? I think it is. Plus, when targeting the Swiss for racist abuse, you'll never have to choose between burning a cross or burning a Swiss flag. The Swiss flag IS a cross. So convenient!

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Set this puppy on fire and it's like you're getting a racist two-fer-one!

Atlanteans: Calm down, I'm not talking about the fine folks who live in Atlanta, Georgia. Everyone knows Joey H. has mad love for all his peeps in HOT-lanta and, generally speaking, for the entire Dirty South region. Holla. Rather, the Atlanteans I'm referring to are residents of the ancient underwater realm of Atlantis. THEY SUCK CRAP. "But Joey," you might ask, "does Atlantis really exist? I thought it was a myth!"

Good point. My response: WHO CARES? So what if Atlanteans are a fictitious race from a mythical land? Doesn't mean I can't hate them. Anyway, who the fuck chooses to live under the sea? The only people I can think of are The Snorks, and everyone knows they were nothing but cheap rip-offs of the Smurfs.

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SHUT UP SNORKS. Anyway, everyone knows that Atlantean men like to have sex with SQUID. Disgusting.

The Mongols: I don't know much about this ancient tribe that once controlled the largest contiguous empire in history. But remember: racism isn't about knowing things, it's about HATING things. Nothing makes you feel more powerful than pissing (metaphorically) all over such a powerful dynasty! In the 13th Century, I could have been flayed alive for calling Genghis Khan's Mongols "smelly little bitches with ugly beards". But Genghis ain't around no more, and his empire is well contained within Mongolia -- a landlocked country with virtually no arable land.

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Aging Australian Movie Stars: Strictly speaking, middle aged Australian film actors are not a race/ethnicity. So if you go around trashing them, it's not racism. Not exactly. But, considering what ignorant, gay-bashing, anti-semitic douchebags Australian actors appear to be, you really can't go wrong insulting them.

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We'll make an exception in your case, Crocodile Dundee. Your hilarious antics helped America defeat Communism and taught us all a valuable lesson about the importance of carrying a VERY LARGE KNIFE.

Posted by Joey at March 29, 2007 04:36 AM

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