March 29, 2007
Racism used to be EASY. Back in "the day", you could make vicious, ignorant generalizations about blacks, Chinese, Mexicans -- without fear of offending anyone. Well, anyone besides the blacks, Chinese and Mexicans. I suppose THEY might have gotten offended. But even if they did, nobody cared... other than them. Bigotry was everywhere, and because it was everywhere, it just wasn't a big deal. Life was sweet (for racist assholes)!
Those halcyon days have up and gone -- just ask Mel Gibson. These days, you make one tiny little comment about Jews being "responsible for all the wars in the world" and everybody jumps down your booze-soaked throat! It's getting to the point where bigotry is more trouble than it's worth.
Well put, Mel! If you're brave enough to maintain your ignorant, racist ways in the face of universal repudiation, then so can we all.
But it won't be easy. The bread and butter racism of yesteryear just doesn't WORK anymore. For instance, you can't go around saying terrible things about black people. There are SO MANY OF THEM! They'll boycott your chicken restaurants, diss you in rap songs. Maybe they'll just put a cap in yo ass. In fact, I'll probably get a cap in my ass just for writing those last two sentences. And deservedly so! Face it, all the minorities that racists used to slander have gained significant power and influence. If you make cracks about them, they're likely to crack you back.
So, what's the alternative? Once again, our friend Mel Gibson has the answer. Recently Mr. Gibson was confronted by a college professor who claimed his most recent film, Apocalypto, was racist. Racist... against Mayans. She's right, of course. Yet... Whereas Gibson's anti-semitic remarks caused a massive backlash, his campaign to portray Mayans as ultraviolent savages with a taste for human sacrifice was largely ignored. This is hardly a surprise. Do you know any Mayans? I sure don't. It's a dead culture, right? Outside a handful of academics and activist types, nobody cares what you say about Mayans.
This is a perfect example of what I like to call Niche Racism. A Niche Racist is filled with prejudice and hate, but aims all that vitriol at marginal groups: dead cultures, sub-minorities, people who eat at Arby's. If you're looking to dangle your toes in the waters of bigotry, Niche Racism might be just the thing for you! All you have to do is select an appropriate group to hate. If you find yourself at a loss, here are a few suggestions.
The Swiss: Fuck the Swiss! They're a bunch of chocolate munching, clock-tinkering pansies, with their ridiculous pocketknives and lame-ass policy of political neutrality. And isn't it about time that blonde, blue-eyed people got a taste of the same medicine they've been dishing out to the swarthier races for hundreds of years? I think it is. Plus, when targeting the Swiss for racist abuse, you'll never have to choose between burning a cross or burning a Swiss flag. The Swiss flag IS a cross. So convenient!
Set this puppy on fire and it's like you're getting a racist two-fer-one!
Atlanteans: Calm down, I'm not talking about the fine folks who live in Atlanta, Georgia. Everyone knows Joey H. has mad love for all his peeps in HOT-lanta and, generally speaking, for the entire Dirty South region. Holla. Rather, the Atlanteans I'm referring to are residents of the ancient underwater realm of Atlantis. THEY SUCK CRAP. "But Joey," you might ask, "does Atlantis really exist? I thought it was a myth!"
Good point. My response: WHO CARES? So what if Atlanteans are a fictitious race from a mythical land? Doesn't mean I can't hate them. Anyway, who the fuck chooses to live under the sea? The only people I can think of are The Snorks, and everyone knows they were nothing but cheap rip-offs of the Smurfs.
SHUT UP SNORKS. Anyway, everyone knows that Atlantean men like to have sex with SQUID. Disgusting.
The Mongols: I don't know much about this ancient tribe that once controlled the largest contiguous empire in history. But remember: racism isn't about knowing things, it's about HATING things. Nothing makes you feel more powerful than pissing (metaphorically) all over such a powerful dynasty! In the 13th Century, I could have been flayed alive for calling Genghis Khan's Mongols "smelly little bitches with ugly beards". But Genghis ain't around no more, and his empire is well contained within Mongolia -- a landlocked country with virtually no arable land.
Aging Australian Movie Stars: Strictly speaking, middle aged Australian film actors are not a race/ethnicity. So if you go around trashing them, it's not racism. Not exactly. But, considering what ignorant, gay-bashing, anti-semitic douchebags Australian actors appear to be, you really can't go wrong insulting them.
We'll make an exception in your case, Crocodile Dundee. Your hilarious antics helped America defeat Communism and taught us all a valuable lesson about the importance of carrying a VERY LARGE KNIFE.
March 21, 2007
It's a great time to be alive!
Back in the days of yore, good health was in short supply. There were plagues, pestilences, infestations. Half the available food was rotten, and drinking water was so tainted most people resorted to drinking hard cider instead. Actually that part wasn't so bad. Even so, most folk spent their lives suffering one dismal malady after another.
But not us. We are lucky enough to live in an age of advanced medical science. Modern medicine allows everyone to live rich and full lives. Well, everyone with access to doctors, decent health insurance and the good fortune NOT to be afflicted with a disease that Big Pharm hasn't cured yet. You know, because they're too busy figuring out how to give a 90 year old man a 4 hour erection.
Modern medicine is so advanced, it can do more than just cure diseases... it can invent exciting NEW diseases. What, you thought diseases could only be fashioned by the hand of God? WRONG. Sure, God has unleashed some horrible scourges upon humanity (so He could "test our faith" or some such nonsense). But if you really want to cause suffering on a grand scale, leave it to good old human ingenuity. Weaponized Anthrax, AIDS, Pac-Man Fever... can't blame God for those! Plus, in addition to generating very real, very deadly illnesses, science has also learned to create very unreal -- but no less deadly -- IMAGINARY diseases.
All it takes is a little imagination, a big advertising budget and a complete disregard for medical ethics. Sounds like a job for our friends, the multinational drug conglomerates! Merck, Pfizer, Squibb: they've all discovered that it's much easier to develop a drug first, THEN concoct the fictitious disease the new drug can treat. Here are some of these not-actually-existant illnesses:
Restless Leg Syndrome: Like the old song goes, "I got rhythm, I got music... I got an uncontrollable urge to jerk my limbs around like a muppet with epilepsy!" You know, there was a time when I thought *I* suffered from this syndrome. I don't like sitting still for more than 5 minutes at a time, and my legs DO get restless. However, it turns out that being fidgety is NOT A MEDICAL CONDITION. Rather, it's proof that human beings weren't designed to sit at a fucking desk all day long. Attention RLS sufferers: you don't need a prescription. You need to get up off your ass and take a walk. Stretch the legs a little bit. Do the fucking Hokey Pokey and shake it all about if you need to, just don't pretend you've got a disease. You don't.
Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder: You know how females are crazy? Not crazy in a cute or charming way, like Martin Lawrence's "You So Crazy". More of a Charles Manson/Jeffrey Dahmer crazy. Well, women often blame their lunacy on something called "PMS". You may have heard of it. Now, thanks to the drug companies, women everywhere can claim a new "disorder" -- one which authorizes them to jack up the crazy further than even PMS permitted! Introducing PMDD. It's like PMS, to the EXTREEM! Of course, the drug companies never invent a disease without a pill to treat it. In this case, it's a birth control pill called Yaz. No, not this Yaz. THIS Yaz:
I always wondered what women talk about when I'm not around. Apparently, they talk about potential birth control side effects. Fun.
Social Anxiety Disorder: Speaking of women, here's an interesting fact: Women like nothing better than to humiliate each other in social settings! Of course, they also enjoy emasculating men. And ladies, did you know that when you walk into a room, men stare at you, critiquing your physique and your choice of shoes? It's true. The term Social Anxiety Disorder was invented by the drug companies to convince YOU that crippling social anxiety is some kind of psychological malfunction. It isn't. You SHOULD be nervous around other people, because other people think you're ugly and worthless. And no medication can change that.
Alcoholism: What idiot decided that excessive drinking was a disease? I always thought it was more of a charming character quirk. There isn't even a PILL that treats this condition, so what's the point of pretending it's a medical issue? If you want to make a disease out of something, why not get the medical community cracking on a cure for hangovers! A REAL hangover cure, none of this raw egg, worcester sauce nonsense. Bottom line, I'm tired of people telling me that alcoholism is a disease. Like I said at my last intervention: "I don't have a problem. YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM."
March 09, 2007
Joey on trashfan.com
Important news: I have written a guest review for trashfan.com!
Max, the Trashfan, collects and reviews the TRASHIEST music videos of the 80s. It's like VH1, except without Tori Spelling, Flavor Flav and all those insipid talking heads. For my guest review, I selected the video for Billy Ocean's classic single Loverboy. Head over to trashfan and check it out -- and tell them Joey sent you!
March 05, 2007
PSA: Peanut Butter Crisis
For some people, it's always Peanut Butter Jelly Time. Normally, there's nothing wrong with that. However, in light of recent events, I'm thinking twice before I shove any peanut products down my throat.