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February 01, 2007

Review: Microsoft Vista

Microsoft, the company that brought us Windows, the XBox and (from what I've read) the Holocaust, has a brand new release: Vista! Since no one else seems to be reviewing it, I figured I'd give it a test drive and see what all the fuss is about.

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Selecting a Vista

I've backed up all my data, cleared my schedule for the next two weeks and put a local suicide hotline on speed-dial. I'm ready to GET MY VISTA ON! But first I must select which version of the software I'm going to buy. You see, Vista comes in several different flavors or "editions.". No matter who you are, there's a version of Vista that's right for you! The deluxe version is called Windows Vista ULTIMATE and it costs $400. For that kind of money Bill Gates better come to my house, install the software himself, then cook me a nice dinner. And after that, he better put out. There are, however, more economical options. The cheapest is a budget version called "Windows Vista Home Basic", which is almost entirely functional. For the purposes of this review, I selected the "Urban Bling Edition". It comes with a big ass gold chain with the Windows logo presented in diamonds and rubies! PIMPTASTIC.

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Installation

The installation process for Vista is pretty straightforward. Just pop the disc in, enter your name, address, email, home phone, cell phone, fax number, registration code, confirmation code, social security number, image scans of 3 photo IDs, ATM pin number, your mother's maiden name, the name of your first pet, date of birth, date of conception, place of conception, and your favorite pizza topping. That's all it takes to begin the process of initiating the Vista installation sequence. After your personal data is verified (48-72 hours, tops), the installation is complete!

Now begins the process of ACTIVATION.

To activate Vista, you must undergo retinal and thumbprint scanning -- a standard security measure. Well, it's standard if you work for the CIA. Somewhat less common is the additional requirement that you supply tissue, blood and stool samples. Admittedly, this an annoyance, though Microsoft does provide the necessary swabs, pipettes and sterile collection trays necessary for the task.

The Vista Experience

Finally, time to fire up Vista and see if it lives up to the hype! Though, to be perfectly honest, I didn't read much of the pre-release press on this software. I'm not even sure what Vista is FOR.

After messing with it for a few hours, I get the feeling that Vista is one of those Massively Multiplayer Online Timesuck Games. Initially, the user is cast in the role of some hapless office drone. The game simulates a suite of office software with staggering realism. The spreadsheet and word processor "levels" are so convincing... well, let's just say you won't be needing a boss key when you play Vista at work!

Vista features sandbox-style gameplay. Very open-ended... almost to a fault. What the hell am I supposed DO in this game? Even after hours of play, I hadn't made any progress toward my mission objectives. Nor had I determined what those mission objectives WERE. According to the text on the Vista box, your mission has something to do with "productivity". HELLO, IF I WANTED TO BE *PRODUCTIVE* I WOULDN'T BE FUCKING AROUND WITH WINDOWS! I did locate a rather entertaining mini-game which involved clearing a virtual minefield... but even that got old pretty quick.

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Ultimately, Microsoft Windows Vista is a disappointment. After all the hype, I expected more: explosions, virtual reality goggles, sexy dancing girls, a cock-fighting simulation. All I got was this pointless game that simulates the work-life of some dull middle-management suit-drone.

Honestly... if I wanted to spend my days pretending to work, I'd go out and get myself a JOB.

Posted by Joey at February 1, 2007 07:24 AM

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