February 26, 2007
Get Your Buzz On, a Joey Headset Guide to Energy Drinks
If you're like me, you rely on chemicals to facilitate every aspect of your daily life. Working, sleeping, social interaction -- I couldn't do any of these without alcohol, alcohol, and more alcohol (respectively). But sometimes I'm not looking to get buzzed in the drunken, totally fucked-up sense. Rather, I need that OTHER kind of buzz... the kind I can only obtain from a delicious and healthful Energy Drink!
What exactly is an energy drink? There's a short and long answer to this question. The short answer: It's a soda that costs $3. The long answer: It's a soda that costs $3 for just 8oz.
Listen to me you smiley-faced bastard: The day Joey Headset drinks generic soda is the day a FLYING PIG wins olympic gold in the ski jumping competition... IN HELL.
Are energy drinks more expensive than regular soda? You bet they are -- and they're worth the money. You see, soft drinks contain only sugar and caffeine, whereas energy drinks contain sugar, caffeine AND a wild assortment of Special Ingredients. Though different brands each have their own distinct mix, some of the more common additives include: taurine, guarana, inositol, carnitine, and wild yak urine (most notably in Red Yak, the popular Mongolian beverage). These special ingredients are what give energy drinks their invigorating and revitalizing punch!
By law, I'm required to tell you that the previous statement has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. Hell, it hasn't even been evaluated by the American Beverage Association, who officially classify energy drinks as "novelty refreshment beverage products" that "are not designed to be a functional beverage product". I don't know about you, but I'm ready to fork over my $3 RIGHT NOW!
Good question Cap'n! Walk into any convenience store and you'll find yourself staring down a dizzying array of Monsters and No Fears and Full Throttles. You can't pick just by looking at the label -- each drink presents itself as more HARD CORE and XXXTREME than the next. It's enough to make you want to forget energy drinks and chug a jumbo bottle of Nyquil instead -- to soothe your nerves. Relax, my nyquil gulping friend, there's good news! Energy drinks are like snowflakes: technically they are all different, but in every meaningful sense, they are all exactly the same. There are at least 1,500 different brands on the market, and I'm pretty sure that 1,475 of those are the exact same drink. They just put them in different cans. Even so, there are a few things to consider when purchasing an energy drink.
First of all, never NEVER buy a diet or lo-cal energy drink. The primary active ingredient in all of these beverages is the SUGAR. Sugar = energy. If you don't feel like you're one sip away from lapsing into a diabetic coma after slamming an energy drink, then you've wasted your money. Drinking a diet energy drink is like kissing your sister. And I'm referring specifically to YOUR sister, who everyone knows is a dirty whore. Like a dirty whore, diet energy drinks are without any redeeming value. Avoid them at all costs.
Second of all, you should never EVER buy an energy drink endorsed by Steven Seagal. I mean... seriously, WTF?
Finally, there are a few brands that are worthy of special consideration.
Red Bull: The grandaddy of energy drinks, Red Bull was around when all the other drinks were nothing but a twinkle in the eye of a multinational beverage conglomerate. The stimulating effects of Red Bull are well known. The first time I drank it, I spent the rest of the day lying in bed with heart palpitations. Probably didn't help that I chased the Red Bull with a Starbucks Doubleshot espresso drink. Really, the only downside of Red Bull is the taste. If I had to select one word to describe the delicate flavor of Red Bull, that word would be ASS. Not just regular ass, either. A harsh, medicinal variety of ass. For its powerful kick and chemical-waste flavor, I award Red Bull three Joeys. JITTERY JOEYS!
Cocaine: Naming an energy drink after a controlled substance? Now THAT'S edgy marketing!
But does the drink live up to its name? Hmm... let's see. Cocaine the drug is an intense stimulant, responsible for the popularity of leg warmers, American Gladiators and the music of Night Ranger. Cocaine the energy drink is just a soft drink with an extra shot of caffeine. No, it does NOT live up to its name. But remember, when you buy an energy drink, 90% of what you're paying for is edgy marketing. So you might as well choose a drink with a marketing schtick so XXXTREEEM that most retailers will refuse to sell it. For this bold strategy, I'll give Cocaine five Jittery Joeys.
Coca-Sek: Some drinks talk a good game and some actually deliver the goods. This Columbian drink, translated as "Coca of the Sun", is the only energy drink made from real coca leaves. You know what else is made from coca leaves? Cocaine. No, not the energy drink, actual Cocaine! The same drug that President George W. Bush didn't necessarily abuse in the 80s. This is not to say that a can of Coca-Sek has the same effect as three lines of coke snorted off a hooker's tits with a hundred dollar bill. Trust me, it doesn't. Even so, this drink reportedly provides a unique and stimulating buzz. I say "reportedly" because the drink isn't available in the US, and never will be -- the Coca-Cola corporation has a few hundred lawyers who'll make damn sure of that. Despite its lack of availability, I give Coca-Sek 8 JJs.
Energy drinks are more than overpriced sodas. They're overpriced sodas, TO THE MAXXX!!!! Go out and buy yourself one today. And here's a tip: if you want to maximize the effects of an energy drink, chase it with a few hits of CRYSTAL METH. It's like crack, but for white people!
February 16, 2007
Who's the Daddy?
Unless you've been living in a bomb shelter for the last week (lucky bastard), you already know: Anna Nicole Smith is dead. A recent mother, her newborn is currently in the middle of a ferocious multi-way custody battle. Dozens, if not hundreds, of men claim to be the biological father of one Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern. Here are just a few of the most likely candidates.
February 12, 2007
I (want to) Know Kung-Fu
I've always been jealous of people who know martial arts. The kicking, the punching... occasionally the groping. It's all so freaking cool! Also, I hear it makes you a more complete person. A friend of mine is a black-belt, and he's always extolling the virtues of karate training: how it strengthens your body, helps you develop mental and spiritual discipline. Sounds great! But honestly, I don't care about any of that. I just want to learn how to kick someone's ass. (If I could also learn to rip out a man's heart and show it to him before he dies, that would be a bonus.)
To be clear: I'm not interested in "self-defense". What's the point of learning to beat the crap out of people if you can't crack open a can of whoop-ass until someone else throws the first punch?
Think about it: how many times a week does someone take a swing at YOU? In my case, somewhere in the 3-8 range. More if I happen to visit the Olive Garden that week... but that's still not enough. I've always believed that the best defense is a strong offense -- and if I learn martial arts, I intend to use my skills ALL THE TIME.
The actual training doesn't scare me. If the movies I've seen are accurate, you can learn any martial art in just a few minutes. All you need is some deft editing and a stirring musical theme playing in the background. The part I'm worried about is deciding which martial art I should study. There are SO MANY of them out there! I've done some research into some of the most promising martial arts, and I've broken each down into Pros and Cons to help me choose the one that's right for me.
Ninjitsu (AKA Ninjalistics)
Cons: Black uniform gets awfully hot in the summertime. Lots of expensive equipment to buy (have you price-checked shuriken lately?). Too much emphasis on stealth, I'd prefer to kick ass in front of an audience. Centuries old feud with Pirates could cause hassles on the open sea.
Krav Maga (AKA Jew-jitsu)
Pros: Used to train the Israeli military. Efficient and deadly. Teaches you to use any available object as a weapon (always fun!). Your mom always wanted to you settle down with a nice Jewish martial art.
Cons: Might have to learn to speak hebrew. Massive guilt trips from instructor when you miss a training session. Some retailers frown upon using merchandise as improvised weapons (beware of "You Break it You Buy it" policies). Jokes about "jew-fu" could get old really quick. Outside of Israel, how many badass Jews do YOU know?
Gun Kata (AKA Gun-fu)
Pros: Finally, a martial art designed around gunplay! Pulling trigger much easier than flying roundhouse kick. Allows me to incorporate the skills I learned playing all those hours of Duck Hunt.
Cons: Great when attacked by multiple gun-weilding assassins... probably overkill when harassed by some drunk guy at a bar. What happens when you run out of ammo? Though undeniably badass, Gun Kata is a fictitious martial art -- might be hard to find a teacher.
Zui Quan (AKA Drunken Fist)
Pros: Drinking and fighting go together like drinking and driving. Punch with one hand, dial up ex-girlfriends with the other. Binge drinking could SAVE YOUR LIFE. Heck, you had me at "drunken".
Cons: What happens when you run out of beer?
February 08, 2007
Fun Facts: Black History Month
February is Black History Month. It's also National Bird-Feeding Month, but I'll be damned if I'm going to give free food to any of those filthy, squawking avians. In celebration of Black History Month, here are some Fun Facts about black history you may have overlooked:
Many people believe that African-American botanist George Washington Carver invented peanut butter. This is more folk-tale than reality; peanut butter existed well before Carver published his recipe. However, it is a little known fact that a black man invented peanut-butter's best friend: jelly! This delicious fruity spread was invented by Ferdinand "Jelly Roll" Morton, a man who would go on to become the first true composer of jazz music.
Most people are familiar with Harriet Tubman and her Underground Railroad. The Railroad not only freed thousands of slaves but also sparked the African American's long love affair with public transportation. Though she was a remarkable woman, Harriet wasn't the only one transporting slaves to freedom. Before the Railroad, there was Carl J. Shoewermin and his Underground Monorail: a 1000 mile subterranean passageway that provided slaves a speedy and comfortable route to liberation. Historically speaking, Shoewinmin's Monorail generally gets short shrift to Tubman's Railroad for two reasons: A) because the Monorail project wasn't completed until well after Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation and B) because much of the Monorail was built by slave labor.
George Jefferson, protagonist of the groundbreaking 1970s sitcom The Jeffersons was a distant relative of "Founding Father," Thomas Jefferson.
The first "yo momma" joke ever recorded was written by the well known abolitionist and statesman, Frederick Douglas. In a letter to his friend Gideon PItts, Jr., Douglas wrote:
My dear friend Gideon,
Yo momma so stupid... she does not comprehend that the religion of the South is a mere covering for the most horrid crimes - a justifier of the most appalling barbarity, a sanctifier of the most hateful frauds, and a dark shelter under which the darkest, foulest, grossest, and most infernal deeds of slaveholders find the strongest protection.
Important dates in Black History:
April 6, 1937: Birth of Billy Dee Williams.
July 17, 1942: The International Conspiracy of Jewish Bankers (ICJB) agree to undermine black communities thourgh sneaky Jewish Banking manipulations.
March 24, 1947: The Alliance of Korean Shop-owners (AKS) joins The Jews in their persecution of black communities.
August 12, 1955: "The Man" is born to his parents, John and Jane Man (nee Whitey)
January 4, 1981: The CIA tricks thousands of black people into smoking crack cocaine by convincing them that crack is a new kind of menthol cigarette.
March 13, 1984: Church's Fried Chicken introduces saltpeter into their chicken batter for the purpose of sterilizing black men. In response, Kentucky Fried Chicken pumps their Original Recipe batter full of hormones that triple the fertility of black women.
July 3, 2006: Rapper Lil Kim released from prison.
February 04, 2007
Tips for throwing a FUNTASTIC Super Bowl Party
1. Make sure that you schedule your party on the ACTUAL day of the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl party I threw last July was a dismal failure.
2. Don't invite anyone who actually CARES about the outcome of the game. These people get pissed off when you change the channel to the Cartoon Network in the 4th quarter. Trust me on this.
3. Everyone knows that the only way to make the Super Bowl worth watching is to put bet money on it. A friendly Super Bowl pool is a good way to get your guests involved in the game... but I prefer to make sidebets on individual players. For instance, last year I bet that three of the players on the championship team would be involved in an "incident" outside a strip club within the next 2 months. I made $20 on that bet!
4. Don't serve the same old generic party food -- after all, this is the GOD DAMN SUPER BOWL. Get into the spirit by serving food relating to the two teams playing in the big game. This year the Chicago Bears are competing against the Indianapolis Colts. So, for Chicago, you could get some deep dish pizza. And for Indy... what the hell do they eat in Indiana? Corn chips? Of course, you could also base your menu selections on the team mascot. This year I'm cooking up a festive "Super Bowl Chili" which includes both bear AND horse meat. It tastes like chicken! Well... sort of.
5. Make sure you have enough beer. I usually buy two cases of Old Milwaukee... for each person attending the party. If my guests aren't TOTALLY FUCKING WASTED by the opening kickoff, then I haven't done my job as a host.
6. The Super Bowl is a 4 hour plus MARATHON of televisual entertainment. If you step away from the TV for just a moment, you'll be missing something AWESOME. Even the commercials are worth watching! But this creates a problem: when do you use the bathroom? If you have an extra TV at your place, do your guests a favor by putting that in TV your restroom. If you don't have an extra, put a bucket next to your TV so guests can relieve themselves without leaving the room.
7. After the game, it's fun to get out the old pigskin and "reenact" some of the highlight moments of the game. However, it's best to do this OUTDOORS. Last year I broke my most of the furniture in my apartment during an over the top touchdown celebration. Still, it was totally worth it!
February 01, 2007
Review: Microsoft Vista
Microsoft, the company that brought us Windows, the XBox and (from what I've read) the Holocaust, has a brand new release: Vista! Since no one else seems to be reviewing it, I figured I'd give it a test drive and see what all the fuss is about.
Selecting a Vista
I've backed up all my data, cleared my schedule for the next two weeks and put a local suicide hotline on speed-dial. I'm ready to GET MY VISTA ON! But first I must select which version of the software I'm going to buy. You see, Vista comes in several different flavors or "editions.". No matter who you are, there's a version of Vista that's right for you! The deluxe version is called Windows Vista ULTIMATE and it costs $400. For that kind of money Bill Gates better come to my house, install the software himself, then cook me a nice dinner. And after that, he better put out. There are, however, more economical options. The cheapest is a budget version called "Windows Vista Home Basic", which is almost entirely functional. For the purposes of this review, I selected the "Urban Bling Edition". It comes with a big ass gold chain with the Windows logo presented in diamonds and rubies! PIMPTASTIC.
The installation process for Vista is pretty straightforward. Just pop the disc in, enter your name, address, email, home phone, cell phone, fax number, registration code, confirmation code, social security number, image scans of 3 photo IDs, ATM pin number, your mother's maiden name, the name of your first pet, date of birth, date of conception, place of conception, and your favorite pizza topping. That's all it takes to begin the process of initiating the Vista installation sequence. After your personal data is verified (48-72 hours, tops), the installation is complete!
Now begins the process of ACTIVATION.
To activate Vista, you must undergo retinal and thumbprint scanning -- a standard security measure. Well, it's standard if you work for the CIA. Somewhat less common is the additional requirement that you supply tissue, blood and stool samples. Admittedly, this an annoyance, though Microsoft does provide the necessary swabs, pipettes and sterile collection trays necessary for the task.
The Vista Experience
Finally, time to fire up Vista and see if it lives up to the hype! Though, to be perfectly honest, I didn't read much of the pre-release press on this software. I'm not even sure what Vista is FOR.
After messing with it for a few hours, I get the feeling that Vista is one of those Massively Multiplayer Online Timesuck Games. Initially, the user is cast in the role of some hapless office drone. The game simulates a suite of office software with staggering realism. The spreadsheet and word processor "levels" are so convincing... well, let's just say you won't be needing a boss key when you play Vista at work!
Vista features sandbox-style gameplay. Very open-ended... almost to a fault. What the hell am I supposed DO in this game? Even after hours of play, I hadn't made any progress toward my mission objectives. Nor had I determined what those mission objectives WERE. According to the text on the Vista box, your mission has something to do with "productivity". HELLO, IF I WANTED TO BE *PRODUCTIVE* I WOULDN'T BE FUCKING AROUND WITH WINDOWS! I did locate a rather entertaining mini-game which involved clearing a virtual minefield... but even that got old pretty quick.
Ultimately, Microsoft Windows Vista is a disappointment. After all the hype, I expected more: explosions, virtual reality goggles, sexy dancing girls, a cock-fighting simulation. All I got was this pointless game that simulates the work-life of some dull middle-management suit-drone.
Honestly... if I wanted to spend my days pretending to work, I'd go out and get myself a JOB.