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January 15, 2007

SPOILERTASTIC Preview of FOX's 24

I've got a buddy at FOX TV who just sent me preview screeners of the new season of "24". The ENTIRE SEASON! I can't reveal the identity of the guy who sent me these episodes, let's just say his name rhymes with Poopert Schmerdock. Though our political views couldn't be more different, the two of us bonded years ago as the only two American citizens who eat Vegemite sandwiches.

When he sent me these DVDs, Mr. Schmerdock made me promise I wouldn't reveal any details about the new season. But, right now -- just for you -- I'm going to publish plot summaries for every single episode. Poopert should have known I always break my promises!

This new season is AWESOME... but not perfect. Some fans might complain that there's not quite as much action and suspense as in previous seasons. Others might notice that the show features a few (subtle) promotions for other FOX entertainment properties. I'll let you decide for yourselves. So, I'm giving you fair warning: SPOILER ALERT!!! or whatever. Here is an episode by episode breakdown of this season of "24".

Episode 1, 6am: The clock radio alarm rings in Jack Bauer's apartment. Jack, brutally hungover, reaches over to his nightstand and hits the snooze alarm. Jack sleeps through the rest of the episode, hitting the snooze bar several more times and getting up only once to use the bathroom. As he sleeps, the camera pans to a TV set which is tuned to a TV channel that shows nothing but advertisements for other programs on the FOX schedule.

Episode 2, 7am: Jack finally rolls out of bed. He pours some breakfast cereal into a bowl and grabs some milk out of the fridge. Sniffing the milk, he determines that it's turned sour and pours it down the drain. Jack is now left with a full bowl of cereal and no milk. As he ponders this predicament, he tunes into FOX and Friends on the FOX News Channel.

Episode 3, 8am: Jack takes a shower and gets dressed. Over at CTU (Counter Terrorist Unit) Headquarters, Chloe O'Brian is seated at her workstation, typing furiously on a computer keyboard. Chloe periodically looks over her shoulder, afraid someone might be monitoring her activities. Meanwhile, Milo Pressman and Nadia Yassir access the audio files from a phone tap they had initiated over the weekend.

Episode 4, 9am: Jack gets behind the wheel of his Toyota Prius and drives to work. As he drives, he dials CTU where (Senior Special Agent) Bill Buchanan answers the phone. Buchanan wants to know why Jack is late to work. Jack briefs his boss on the cereal/milk scenario (see Episode 2) and informs him that he is en route to Krispy Kreme to get breakfast. Buchanan threatens to "revoke Jack's torture privileges" if he doesn't bring donuts for the whole office. Jack mutters something under his breath but agrees to Buchanan's demands.

Episode 5, 10am: There's a long line at the Krispy Kreme, Jack reads a newspaper as he waits to purchase his donuts. Meanwhile, at CTU-HQ, Chloe has found a workaround to the internet filtering software (installed by one of Chloe's rivals in Season 5). She giggles gleefully as she successfully logs on to World of Warcraft.

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Meanwhile, Milo and Nadia phone Jack (still on line for donuts) to play him the audio from the wire tap. We discover that, strictly for their own amusement, the two agents had used CTU resources to capture audio from Kevin Federline's cell phone.

Episode 6 11am: Terrorists attack Krispy Kreme. Jack defeats them with nothing but a pot of freshly brewed coffee and a dozen warm glazed donuts.

Episode 7, 12pm: Jack is still at the Krispy Kreme (WTF, he's been there over two hours!). Jack can hardly suppress his laughter as he listens to a recent phone call between clueless Federline and his exasperated publicist. He activates the speaker function on his phone so all the donut shop patrons can enjoy hear the exchange. Jack asks Milo and Nadia what kind of donuts they want, which leads to an embarrassingly lengthy debate regarding Krispy Kreme vs. Dunkin Donuts.

Episode 8, 1pm: Jack FINALLY shows up at CTU-HQ. Everyone in the office grabs donuts, except Chloe who is "questing with her guild" on WoW. Jack checks his email and last night's NBA scores in his cubicle. The Krispy Kreme vs. Dunkin Donuts debate has spread through the office. CTU Operative Morris O'Brian (Chloe's ex-husband) suggests that Tim Hortons donuts are better than both KK and DD. Overhearing this, Bill Buchanan accuses Morris of being a Canadian spy and has agents take him into custody.

Episode 9, 2pm: The whole CTU gang goes for lunch at the Olive Garden. Except for Chloe who was "deep into the Onyxia raiding instance and hoping to level up". Terrorists attack the Olive Garden, Jack defeats them with a salad fork and a basket of breadsticks.

Episode 10, 3pm: Back at the office, a Special Training Consultant conducts an hour-long sexual harassment workshop, mandatory for all personnel. Jack asks if it might be considered sexual harassment when a male Special Agent tortures a female suspect in one of the CTU holding cells. The training consultant assures Jack that this is acceptable, so long as the suspect remains clothed and the interrogator refrains from using any derogatory language of a sexual nature. Milo suggests this rule could effectively end Jack's social life. Everyone gets a good laugh out of this... except for Jack who pulls a gun on Milo.

Episode 11, 4pm: After the workshop, Morris convinces Buchanan that Tim Hortons DOES SO have franchises in the United States. Buchanan drops the espionage charges, but tells Morris "I better not hear you praising Canadian donut chains again." Jack catches up on some paperwork. Milo posts the Kevin Federline voicemail audio on his celebrity gossip blog.

Episode 12, 5pm: Jack clocks out early, listens to Fox Sports Radio on the drive home. Milo and Nadia stick around the office, using surveillance satellites to capture images of Lindsay Lohan doing coke outside a popular LA nightclub.

Episode 13, 6pm: Jack stops by the liquor store on the way home. Terrorists attack liquor store, Jack defeats them with a bottle of Jose Cuervo.

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Episode 14, 7pm: Jack gets home from work, reheats some leftover Chinese take out (originally purchased: Episode 7, Season 3) and spends the hour checking the messages on his (NEWS CORP owned!) Myspace account and googling for "asian ladyboy torture porn".

Episode 15, 8pm: Jack settles in for another evening of brilliantly entertaining FOX Television! First up, a very special episode of "House": a patient has contradicted some weird disease and Dr. House must diagnose the patient WHILE popping vicodin and insulting everyone. Chloe calls Jack during the commercial breaks to comment on how the show is "totally unrealistic".

Episode 16, 9pm: At 9pm, Jack watches Standoff, FOX's action-drama about romantically entangled hostage negotiators. He's surprised the show hasn't already been cancelled. Terrorists attack during a commercial break, Jack defeats them with his remote control and and bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

Episode 17, 10pm: Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell drop by Jack's place. They discuss the upcoming season of American Idol. Toward the end of the episode, Paula Abdul stumbles into the apartment, totally wasted. Jack asks them all to leave.

Episodes 18-23, 11pm through 4am: Jack stays up all night, catching up on his TiVO. In these episodes, Jack works his way through the entire FOX primetime schedule, as well as a few higher profile shows from the FX Network. Terrorists attack a few times, Jack defeats them with a variety of household appliances.

Episode 24, 5am: Jack settles down with a bottle of Jim Beam (purchased in Episode 13) and reminisces about his eventful day. This is one of those annoying flashback episodes. CHEAP.

Posted by Joey at January 15, 2007 08:30 PM

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