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January 02, 2007

My New Years Resolutions for 2007

In case you were wondering, here are my new year's resolutions:

1. Eat my greens. This year I'm going to eat more healthy green foods: lime Jello, Mountain Dew, mint chocolate chip ice cream.


Mmm. Eating healthy never tasted so great! Just so long as I remember to avoid green vegetables. Those will fucking KILL YOU.

2. Exercise impulse control. Both my therapist and my parole officer agree: I need to "control my impulses". To put it another way, I need to think BEFORE I act. In the past I've tended to reverse the order of these operations, acting first, thinking second. Sometimes, this can be fun! No one ever accuses me of being predicable -- my hilarious antics often surprise even myself. Despite this, in 2007 I'm committed to maintaining self-control and self-discipline. Next time I drop my trousers at the Olive Garden, you better believe I'll have a very good reason for doing so.

3. Destroy My Enemies. This seems to pop up on my list every year. It's not that I fail to keep this resolution... far from it. Last year I successfully destroyed nearly a dozen of my sworn enemies. Saddam Hussein, Kevin Federline, Augusto Pinochet, Tom DeLay, Taco Bell: I personally ENDED all of them, plus many more. So why is this resolution back for 2007? Because I have new enemies! Ryan Seacrest, Joan Cusack, and Kentucky Fried Chicken are just a few people/restaurants I intend to undermine this year. Like that fat, jolly man always said, "I'm making a list and checking it twice." What was that man's name? Oh, that's right. Richard Nixon.

4. Update Joey Headset more frequently. In recent months, the volume of Joey Headset content has diminished somewhat. While other blogs posted 20 updates a day relating to Britney, K-Fed, politics and whatever the fuck else other people blog about -- Joeyheadset.com remained stagnant. However, in the '07, you can expect a LOT more exciting web-humor-content posted EVERY DAY. I've recently discovered that I can increase the quantity of content I produce by significantly reducing the quality of that content.


That's a challenging question, Papa Smurf. I don't have a concrete answer. All I can say is, you never know until you try.

Posted by Joey at January 2, 2007 12:48 AM

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