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January 19, 2007

Get Your Tube On: A Joey Headset Guide to Buying a New TV

A few days ago, I told you how I fixed my broken TV set. By HITTING it. Physical violence is certainly a viable means of fixing nonfunctional electronic equipment, but I failed to mention one downside: the effects tend to be somewhat temporary in nature.

When my TV first showed signs of failure, I struck it just once and it snapped back to life. SO SATISFYING! However, a couple of days later, it broke down again. So I hit it again, a few times until the picture returned. This worked fine, until it blinked out again the next day. This time I had to wail on the thing with my fist for about half an hour until I could get it working. Within a few hours, it was down again and no amount of pugilistic abuse could get it working again.

I had no choice: I had to buy a new TV.

But this is hardly a tragedy. There is perhaps no more AMERICAN act than that of buying a new television. Voting is patriotic, I guess. So is killing people who don't worship Jesus Christ. But, for my money, the most pro-American thing any of us can do is buy consumer electronics for home entertainment. And the TV is the Uber-Mack-Daddy of the home entertainment world.

But before we talk about buying a new TV, let's observe a moment of silence for my old unit (I called her Bessie Lou):

old tv.jpg

I bought this TV at an auction where they were liquidating the assets of a defunct mental health facility. Got a SWEET deal on it too! Obviously, lot has changed in televisual technology since the days of Bessie Lou. Now there's widescreen TV, HDTV, Plasma TV. Even VeganTV, made entirely out of soy and soy byproducts.

Before purchasing a new television, you first need to decide how much you're willing to spend. They say a good rule of thumb for buying a wedding ring is 2 months salary. Seems reasonable, right? Well, a TV will provide you with AT LEAST twice as much pleasure as any wedding ring (or any wife/husband who would be wearing it). Therefore, when buying a new TV, you should be willing to spend at least 4 months salary. Therefore, if you make $30,000 dollars a year, you should look at TVs in the $10,000 range.

Once you know how much you'll be set back on your purchase, you'll need to select a model. First of all, any TV you purchase absolutely MUST be High Definition. You haven't seen those bitches on The View until you've seen them in glorious HD! And, if you're a sports fan, you'll go freaking nuts when you see athletic competition on an HD set. If you look closely, you can almost see the steroids pulsing through your favorite player's veins.


But what HD standard should you go for? Is 1080i really better than 1080p? Good news: these numbers don't actually mean anything. The only thing that REALLY matters is that you buy the largest TV you can afford. Or the largest one you can fit in your apartment. At first, you might be slightly embarrassed to own such a large TV, particularly when girls come over. They might think you're overcompensating for inadequacies in other areas... such as the puny hybrid car you drive. But the great thing about buying a gigantic television is that -- after a few weeks of telegasmic bliss -- you'll lose all interest in the opposite sex. Or in social activity of any kind.

Remember: someone who says "I didn't go out Friday night, I stayed in my apartment watching TV" is a complete LOSER. But, someone who says "I didn't go out Friday night, I stayed in my apartment watching my WIDE SCREEN HDTV"... well, that person is probably also a loser. But at least he's a loser with an awesome TV. And, at the end of the day, isn't that what REALLY matters?

Posted by Joey at January 19, 2007 04:49 AM

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