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January 04, 2007

Game Review: ComeOutPoker.com

As I've mentioned before, I like to play poker on the internet. It's fun, and if you play it at the high-roller stakes I'm accustomed to, you can win the sort of money you'd pull down working the deep fryer at a 2nd tier chain restaurant. Like Bennigans or T. J. McGristles.

The site I currently play is OK, I guess... but it's a little drab. I look at the virtual poker tables and wonder: Where's the flair? Where's the fabulousness? Where's the GAY?

Well, it's right here: ComeOutPoker.com. As the name suggests, this is the first online poker room for gays, lesbians, and the transgendered. Some might wonder if there's really a market for Gay Poker on the Internet! I think there is. Gays already have their own bars, their own gyms and the entirety of American musical theater. Why NOT a gay-friendly online card room?

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I'm not gay myself, but I must admit... I am a little gay-poker curious. I'm particularly intrigued by the special rules this sites uses in their poker games. They have introduced a unique varient of Texas Hold'em called ComeOut Hold'em. The main difference between this game and regular poker: in this gay version, STRAIGHTS NEVER WIN! Hahahahaha! Get it? NO STRAIGHTS. ROFLOLZ!!! This is clearly the gayest version of poker ever invented. It occurs to me, though... it could be GAYER.

Getting rid of the straights was an excellent first step in gaying up poker. But let's take it a step further. As most of you know, Texas Hold'em is a game in which each player is given two cards. The most powerful starting hand a player can be dealt is a pair of aces (also known as "bullets" or "pocket rockets"). Sounds a little too hetero to me. In a truly gay poker variant, the best starting hand should be a pair of queens. OBVIOUSLY. So queens should be ranked above both aces and kings. For that matter, jacks should also be ranked higher -- unlike the manly Kings, the sexuality of Jacks has always been a little ambiguous.

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With straights out of the game, straight flushes must also be eliminated -- that's the strongest hand you have when playing the hetero version. Therefore, the best hand you can get in a gay-poker game will be 4 of a Kind. From now, we'll refer to this hand as a "Turkish Bathhouse". Three of a Kind will be called a "threesome" and Full Houses will be known as a "prison shower". Flushes can be renamed as... I don't know, "Barbra Streisand" or perhaps some cute euphemism for sodomy (both popular amongst gays, if Will and Grace taught me anything).

Poker is one of the world's great games... and gay poker is certain to be one of the world's great GAY games, right along with Cricket and Wrestling (both professional and amateur). I certainly wish ComeOutPoker great success. If they can make gay poker work, there's countless other games or sports that could benefit from a process of gayification. Imagine gay gymnastics, gay figure skating, gay women's professional basketball. No doubt, the future of sports can only get gayer!

I give ComeOutPoker the highest rating any gay poker site can receive: 5 Pink Texas Hold'em Playing Joeys (in a Cowboy Hat).

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Posted by Joey at January 4, 2007 06:28 AM

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