January 30, 2007
What If They Lived?
All the best rappers are DEAD rappers. And it's a damn shame! I often wonder what some of the most famous dead rappers would be doing these days, if they had lived...
January 19, 2007
Get Your Tube On: A Joey Headset Guide to Buying a New TV
A few days ago, I told you how I fixed my broken TV set. By HITTING it. Physical violence is certainly a viable means of fixing nonfunctional electronic equipment, but I failed to mention one downside: the effects tend to be somewhat temporary in nature.
When my TV first showed signs of failure, I struck it just once and it snapped back to life. SO SATISFYING! However, a couple of days later, it broke down again. So I hit it again, a few times until the picture returned. This worked fine, until it blinked out again the next day. This time I had to wail on the thing with my fist for about half an hour until I could get it working. Within a few hours, it was down again and no amount of pugilistic abuse could get it working again.
I had no choice: I had to buy a new TV.
But this is hardly a tragedy. There is perhaps no more AMERICAN act than that of buying a new television. Voting is patriotic, I guess. So is killing people who don't worship Jesus Christ. But, for my money, the most pro-American thing any of us can do is buy consumer electronics for home entertainment. And the TV is the Uber-Mack-Daddy of the home entertainment world.
But before we talk about buying a new TV, let's observe a moment of silence for my old unit (I called her Bessie Lou):
I bought this TV at an auction where they were liquidating the assets of a defunct mental health facility. Got a SWEET deal on it too! Obviously, lot has changed in televisual technology since the days of Bessie Lou. Now there's widescreen TV, HDTV, Plasma TV. Even VeganTV, made entirely out of soy and soy byproducts.
Before purchasing a new television, you first need to decide how much you're willing to spend. They say a good rule of thumb for buying a wedding ring is 2 months salary. Seems reasonable, right? Well, a TV will provide you with AT LEAST twice as much pleasure as any wedding ring (or any wife/husband who would be wearing it). Therefore, when buying a new TV, you should be willing to spend at least 4 months salary. Therefore, if you make $30,000 dollars a year, you should look at TVs in the $10,000 range.
Once you know how much you'll be set back on your purchase, you'll need to select a model. First of all, any TV you purchase absolutely MUST be High Definition. You haven't seen those bitches on The View until you've seen them in glorious HD! And, if you're a sports fan, you'll go freaking nuts when you see athletic competition on an HD set. If you look closely, you can almost see the steroids pulsing through your favorite player's veins.
But what HD standard should you go for? Is 1080i really better than 1080p? Good news: these numbers don't actually mean anything. The only thing that REALLY matters is that you buy the largest TV you can afford. Or the largest one you can fit in your apartment. At first, you might be slightly embarrassed to own such a large TV, particularly when girls come over. They might think you're overcompensating for inadequacies in other areas... such as the puny hybrid car you drive. But the great thing about buying a gigantic television is that -- after a few weeks of telegasmic bliss -- you'll lose all interest in the opposite sex. Or in social activity of any kind.
Remember: someone who says "I didn't go out Friday night, I stayed in my apartment watching TV" is a complete LOSER. But, someone who says "I didn't go out Friday night, I stayed in my apartment watching my WIDE SCREEN HDTV"... well, that person is probably also a loser. But at least he's a loser with an awesome TV. And, at the end of the day, isn't that what REALLY matters?
January 18, 2007
Generic Blog Post
["Breaking news" about freckly redhead actress entering rehab. Bad jokes about alcohol and cocaine abuse, reference to actress as "firecrotch" and link to months-old photo of actress's exposed vagina in limousine.]
[Whining about how I feel fat after the holidays. Gushing about how awesome my friends are. Confessing on how I like to cut myself sometimes. Desperate cries for attention, begging readers to "friend me" on social networking site.]
[Embedded Youtube video of former pop singer/American Idol judge slurring her speech and acting intoxicated on a morning news show. Comment about how obvious it is she is drunk, quote from publicist contending that she wasn't. Assorted cheap shots about her looks, her weight, her co-hosts and the cartoon cat she used to perform with.]
[Apology about how I haven't posted in a while, excuses about being busy, not having internet access, etc.]
[Achingly earnest reaction to ABC Medical Drama actor who allegedly called gay actor on his show a distasteful slur. Call for offending actor to be fired, link to corresponding internet petition.]
[Very brief, insubstantial post designed to fill time in between legitimate updates.]
January 15, 2007
SPOILERTASTIC Preview of FOX's 24
I've got a buddy at FOX TV who just sent me preview screeners of the new season of "24". The ENTIRE SEASON! I can't reveal the identity of the guy who sent me these episodes, let's just say his name rhymes with Poopert Schmerdock. Though our political views couldn't be more different, the two of us bonded years ago as the only two American citizens who eat Vegemite sandwiches.
When he sent me these DVDs, Mr. Schmerdock made me promise I wouldn't reveal any details about the new season. But, right now -- just for you -- I'm going to publish plot summaries for every single episode. Poopert should have known I always break my promises!
This new season is AWESOME... but not perfect. Some fans might complain that there's not quite as much action and suspense as in previous seasons. Others might notice that the show features a few (subtle) promotions for other FOX entertainment properties. I'll let you decide for yourselves. So, I'm giving you fair warning: SPOILER ALERT!!! or whatever. Here is an episode by episode breakdown of this season of "24".
Episode 1, 6am: The clock radio alarm rings in Jack Bauer's apartment. Jack, brutally hungover, reaches over to his nightstand and hits the snooze alarm. Jack sleeps through the rest of the episode, hitting the snooze bar several more times and getting up only once to use the bathroom. As he sleeps, the camera pans to a TV set which is tuned to a TV channel that shows nothing but advertisements for other programs on the FOX schedule.
Episode 2, 7am: Jack finally rolls out of bed. He pours some breakfast cereal into a bowl and grabs some milk out of the fridge. Sniffing the milk, he determines that it's turned sour and pours it down the drain. Jack is now left with a full bowl of cereal and no milk. As he ponders this predicament, he tunes into FOX and Friends on the FOX News Channel.
Episode 3, 8am: Jack takes a shower and gets dressed. Over at CTU (Counter Terrorist Unit) Headquarters, Chloe O'Brian is seated at her workstation, typing furiously on a computer keyboard. Chloe periodically looks over her shoulder, afraid someone might be monitoring her activities. Meanwhile, Milo Pressman and Nadia Yassir access the audio files from a phone tap they had initiated over the weekend.
Episode 4, 9am: Jack gets behind the wheel of his Toyota Prius and drives to work. As he drives, he dials CTU where (Senior Special Agent) Bill Buchanan answers the phone. Buchanan wants to know why Jack is late to work. Jack briefs his boss on the cereal/milk scenario (see Episode 2) and informs him that he is en route to Krispy Kreme to get breakfast. Buchanan threatens to "revoke Jack's torture privileges" if he doesn't bring donuts for the whole office. Jack mutters something under his breath but agrees to Buchanan's demands.
Episode 5, 10am: There's a long line at the Krispy Kreme, Jack reads a newspaper as he waits to purchase his donuts. Meanwhile, at CTU-HQ, Chloe has found a workaround to the internet filtering software (installed by one of Chloe's rivals in Season 5). She giggles gleefully as she successfully logs on to World of Warcraft.
Meanwhile, Milo and Nadia phone Jack (still on line for donuts) to play him the audio from the wire tap. We discover that, strictly for their own amusement, the two agents had used CTU resources to capture audio from Kevin Federline's cell phone.
Episode 6 11am: Terrorists attack Krispy Kreme. Jack defeats them with nothing but a pot of freshly brewed coffee and a dozen warm glazed donuts.
Episode 7, 12pm: Jack is still at the Krispy Kreme (WTF, he's been there over two hours!). Jack can hardly suppress his laughter as he listens to a recent phone call between clueless Federline and his exasperated publicist. He activates the speaker function on his phone so all the donut shop patrons can enjoy hear the exchange. Jack asks Milo and Nadia what kind of donuts they want, which leads to an embarrassingly lengthy debate regarding Krispy Kreme vs. Dunkin Donuts.
Episode 8, 1pm: Jack FINALLY shows up at CTU-HQ. Everyone in the office grabs donuts, except Chloe who is "questing with her guild" on WoW. Jack checks his email and last night's NBA scores in his cubicle. The Krispy Kreme vs. Dunkin Donuts debate has spread through the office. CTU Operative Morris O'Brian (Chloe's ex-husband) suggests that Tim Hortons donuts are better than both KK and DD. Overhearing this, Bill Buchanan accuses Morris of being a Canadian spy and has agents take him into custody.
Episode 9, 2pm: The whole CTU gang goes for lunch at the Olive Garden. Except for Chloe who was "deep into the Onyxia raiding instance and hoping to level up". Terrorists attack the Olive Garden, Jack defeats them with a salad fork and a basket of breadsticks.
Episode 10, 3pm: Back at the office, a Special Training Consultant conducts an hour-long sexual harassment workshop, mandatory for all personnel. Jack asks if it might be considered sexual harassment when a male Special Agent tortures a female suspect in one of the CTU holding cells. The training consultant assures Jack that this is acceptable, so long as the suspect remains clothed and the interrogator refrains from using any derogatory language of a sexual nature. Milo suggests this rule could effectively end Jack's social life. Everyone gets a good laugh out of this... except for Jack who pulls a gun on Milo.
Episode 11, 4pm: After the workshop, Morris convinces Buchanan that Tim Hortons DOES SO have franchises in the United States. Buchanan drops the espionage charges, but tells Morris "I better not hear you praising Canadian donut chains again." Jack catches up on some paperwork. Milo posts the Kevin Federline voicemail audio on his celebrity gossip blog.
Episode 12, 5pm: Jack clocks out early, listens to Fox Sports Radio on the drive home. Milo and Nadia stick around the office, using surveillance satellites to capture images of Lindsay Lohan doing coke outside a popular LA nightclub.
Episode 13, 6pm: Jack stops by the liquor store on the way home. Terrorists attack liquor store, Jack defeats them with a bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Episode 14, 7pm: Jack gets home from work, reheats some leftover Chinese take out (originally purchased: Episode 7, Season 3) and spends the hour checking the messages on his (NEWS CORP owned!) Myspace account and googling for "asian ladyboy torture porn".
Episode 15, 8pm: Jack settles in for another evening of brilliantly entertaining FOX Television! First up, a very special episode of "House": a patient has contradicted some weird disease and Dr. House must diagnose the patient WHILE popping vicodin and insulting everyone. Chloe calls Jack during the commercial breaks to comment on how the show is "totally unrealistic".
Episode 16, 9pm: At 9pm, Jack watches Standoff, FOX's action-drama about romantically entangled hostage negotiators. He's surprised the show hasn't already been cancelled. Terrorists attack during a commercial break, Jack defeats them with his remote control and and bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.
Episode 17, 10pm: Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell drop by Jack's place. They discuss the upcoming season of American Idol. Toward the end of the episode, Paula Abdul stumbles into the apartment, totally wasted. Jack asks them all to leave.
Episodes 18-23, 11pm through 4am: Jack stays up all night, catching up on his TiVO. In these episodes, Jack works his way through the entire FOX primetime schedule, as well as a few higher profile shows from the FX Network. Terrorists attack a few times, Jack defeats them with a variety of household appliances.
Episode 24, 5am: Jack settles down with a bottle of Jim Beam (purchased in Episode 13) and reminisces about his eventful day. This is one of those annoying flashback episodes. CHEAP.
January 10, 2007
How to fix a television
Yesterday, my TV broke.
Obviously, this is a catastrophe. TV, in addition to being my BEST FRIEND, is also my connection to the outside world. When I turn it on, it's like I'm leaving my house and going out on all sorts of wacky adventures. Except I don't have to wear pants.
So here's what happened. My old TV was working fine. I walked out of the room for a minute to get some corn chips, and when I walked back in, the picture was gone! Well, not totally gone. There was one really bright line across the middle of the screen, but the rest was black. I still had audio, but TV without video is radio. And radio is BULLSHIT.
Usually when something like this happens, I panic. I hyperventilate, get heart palpitations, call up my ex-girlfriends to see if any of the guys they cheated with while they were dating me know how to fix a TV. However, on this occasion, I stayed calm. I focused on the problem, considered my options... then I fixed the TV!!!
All right, 'Like a Virgin' era Madonna... I admit that I'm not a handy-man. I never took shop in high school, I don't know how to change a flat tire. And, despite CONSTANT pleas from Sally Struthers, I never did get my correspondence degree in TV/VCR repair.
But I've found that it's seldom necessary to "know how something works" in order to fix it. In my experience, most malfunctioning devices can be repaired through intuition and guile, even when actual knowledge is totally absent.
So, I'm sure you're all wondering exactly how I fixed my TV. SHUT UP YOU ARE SO WONDERING! Without further delay, here's how I fixed my broken set:
I hit it. Repeatedly.
Now, before you all go beating the crap out of your glitchy plasma widescreens, be warned: there is an art to fixing technology via the application of blunt force trauma. It's taken me YEARS to perfect my skills, so don't expect success on the first try. But, if you want to try and you've got some broken TVs or stereos around, here are some tips to get you started.
Rule #1: don't hit in anger. In the film "Enter the Dragon", Bruce Lee tells a young karate student that he must strike his opponents -- not with anger -- but with Emotional Content. What is true for Kung-Fu is also true for electronic device repair. Obviously when your TV malfunctions, you're going to get angry. I know I was! But I was smart enough to take out my anger on my friends and family... NOT on the TV. Only after I calmed down did I start hitting my television. You should only hit the TV hard enough to let it know you mean business, and never so hard you leave visible damage.
Dammit, Fonzie, that is NOT COOL!
Though some like to use a closed fist when hitting a damaged machine, I prefer to use an open-fingered, backhand style (most commonly known as a "pimp slap"). Be sure to remove any diamond rings, bracelets or other assorted hand-bling you might be wearing before attempting this. If an open handed strike proves ineffective, then you may try punching the machine. If that doesn't work, try kicking it. In certain tough cases, I'll resort to pounding the machine with a crowbar or lead pipe until it starts working again. Or at least until I get bored.
Does this method of fixing broken equipment work every time? Yes! Well... no. But, really, what's the alternative? Sending it back to the company for repair will almost certainly cost MORE than replacing the broken machine with a new one. And if you're going to have to buy a new one anyway, why not take the opportunity to send out your old machine in style. Sorry, did I say "style"? I meant "pieces".
Any hey, you never know -- hit your TV just right and it might start working again. It's like I always say: there's no problem in this world that can't be solved with some form of violence.
January 08, 2007
Random Thoughts: Urban Edition
Sometimes my mind fills up with random and useless thoughts. Rather than ignoring these thoughts, like normal people do, I post them on the internet. Please enjoy.
Worst ever name for a rapper: Young Jeezy.
ATTN. Common: Years from now when you wonder when it all went wrong, know this: Your career ended the moment you uttered the phrase "Dave Champipple" in a Gap commercial.
If Fox wants their medical drama "House" to appeal to a more urban demographic, they should consider changing the name of the show to "Hizzy".
Every time I hear 50 Cent rap about sex, abstinence seems more and more appealing.
I wish Shaquille O'Neil would retire from the NBA so he can get back to doing what he does best: rapping. (Fast-forward to the 3:10 mark. It's worth it.)
Regarding the future career prospects of rapper The Game, I believe Bill Paxton said it best.
ATTN. Gwen Stefani: take a cue from Jewel: STOP YODELING.
So-called nerdcore rappers whose rhymes focus on video games and obscure computer references should be treated the same as great rappers like Tupac and Biggie. They should be shot.
Runner up for worst rap name: Tony Yayo.
If nothing else, mashups have taught us this: when you combine one shitty song with another shitty song, the result is (wait for it!) a shitty song.
When rappers refer to women as "bitches," it isn't because they don't respect women. It's because they don't respect bitches.
Hip hop music is responsible for some of the most appealing cliches in the history of popular culture. I encourage all rappers to embrace those cliches! If the good Lord didn't want us to rhyme "bitches" with "switches" He wouldn't have made those words rhyme in the first place.
Ol Dirty Bastard isn't dead. He faked his own death and now he's in hiding. One day he will return. WITH AN ARMY.
January 04, 2007
Game Review: ComeOutPoker.com
As I've mentioned before, I like to play poker on the internet. It's fun, and if you play it at the high-roller stakes I'm accustomed to, you can win the sort of money you'd pull down working the deep fryer at a 2nd tier chain restaurant. Like Bennigans or T. J. McGristles.
The site I currently play is OK, I guess... but it's a little drab. I look at the virtual poker tables and wonder: Where's the flair? Where's the fabulousness? Where's the GAY?
Well, it's right here: ComeOutPoker.com. As the name suggests, this is the first online poker room for gays, lesbians, and the transgendered. Some might wonder if there's really a market for Gay Poker on the Internet! I think there is. Gays already have their own bars, their own gyms and the entirety of American musical theater. Why NOT a gay-friendly online card room?
I'm not gay myself, but I must admit... I am a little gay-poker curious. I'm particularly intrigued by the special rules this sites uses in their poker games. They have introduced a unique varient of Texas Hold'em called ComeOut Hold'em. The main difference between this game and regular poker: in this gay version, STRAIGHTS NEVER WIN! Hahahahaha! Get it? NO STRAIGHTS. ROFLOLZ!!! This is clearly the gayest version of poker ever invented. It occurs to me, though... it could be GAYER.
Getting rid of the straights was an excellent first step in gaying up poker. But let's take it a step further. As most of you know, Texas Hold'em is a game in which each player is given two cards. The most powerful starting hand a player can be dealt is a pair of aces (also known as "bullets" or "pocket rockets"). Sounds a little too hetero to me. In a truly gay poker variant, the best starting hand should be a pair of queens. OBVIOUSLY. So queens should be ranked above both aces and kings. For that matter, jacks should also be ranked higher -- unlike the manly Kings, the sexuality of Jacks has always been a little ambiguous.
With straights out of the game, straight flushes must also be eliminated -- that's the strongest hand you have when playing the hetero version. Therefore, the best hand you can get in a gay-poker game will be 4 of a Kind. From now, we'll refer to this hand as a "Turkish Bathhouse". Three of a Kind will be called a "threesome" and Full Houses will be known as a "prison shower". Flushes can be renamed as... I don't know, "Barbra Streisand" or perhaps some cute euphemism for sodomy (both popular amongst gays, if Will and Grace taught me anything).
Poker is one of the world's great games... and gay poker is certain to be one of the world's great GAY games, right along with Cricket and Wrestling (both professional and amateur). I certainly wish ComeOutPoker great success. If they can make gay poker work, there's countless other games or sports that could benefit from a process of gayification. Imagine gay gymnastics, gay figure skating, gay women's professional basketball. No doubt, the future of sports can only get gayer!
I give ComeOutPoker the highest rating any gay poker site can receive: 5 Pink Texas Hold'em Playing Joeys (in a Cowboy Hat).
January 02, 2007
My New Years Resolutions for 2007
In case you were wondering, here are my new year's resolutions:
1. Eat my greens. This year I'm going to eat more healthy green foods: lime Jello, Mountain Dew, mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Mmm. Eating healthy never tasted so great! Just so long as I remember to avoid green vegetables. Those will fucking KILL YOU.
2. Exercise impulse control. Both my therapist and my parole officer agree: I need to "control my impulses". To put it another way, I need to think BEFORE I act. In the past I've tended to reverse the order of these operations, acting first, thinking second. Sometimes, this can be fun! No one ever accuses me of being predicable -- my hilarious antics often surprise even myself. Despite this, in 2007 I'm committed to maintaining self-control and self-discipline. Next time I drop my trousers at the Olive Garden, you better believe I'll have a very good reason for doing so.
3. Destroy My Enemies. This seems to pop up on my list every year. It's not that I fail to keep this resolution... far from it. Last year I successfully destroyed nearly a dozen of my sworn enemies. Saddam Hussein, Kevin Federline, Augusto Pinochet, Tom DeLay, Taco Bell: I personally ENDED all of them, plus many more. So why is this resolution back for 2007? Because I have new enemies! Ryan Seacrest, Joan Cusack, and Kentucky Fried Chicken are just a few people/restaurants I intend to undermine this year. Like that fat, jolly man always said, "I'm making a list and checking it twice." What was that man's name? Oh, that's right. Richard Nixon.
4. Update Joey Headset more frequently. In recent months, the volume of Joey Headset content has diminished somewhat. While other blogs posted 20 updates a day relating to Britney, K-Fed, politics and whatever the fuck else other people blog about -- Joeyheadset.com remained stagnant. However, in the '07, you can expect a LOT more exciting web-humor-content posted EVERY DAY. I've recently discovered that I can increase the quantity of content I produce by significantly reducing the quality of that content.
That's a challenging question, Papa Smurf. I don't have a concrete answer. All I can say is, you never know until you try.