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December 06, 2006

O. J. Simpson: The Joey Headset Interview

Fox TV was too squeamish to air their O. J. Simpson interview. I don't know about you, but I was looking forward to seeing OJ explain himself. Since Fox punked out, I called up the Juiceman and arranged my very own interview -- and you KNOW I'm not too squeamish to share it with you! Please enjoy this interview with homicidal football legend, O. J. Simpson.

JH: Thanks for joining us today, Mr. Simpson.

OJ: Call me Juice!

JH: No.

OJ: Fair enough.

JH: I want to get right to the question everybody wants to know: What was it like working with Leslie Nielsen in the Naked Gun films?

OJ: Oh, it was fantastic. Leslie Nielsen is a comic genius, and a joy to work with. Of course, if I ever found him sneaking around with my woman, I'd slit his fucking throat. Allegedly.

JH: I see. Recently, the Fox network had planned to broadcast an interview with you based on your new book, "If I Did It, Here's How it Happened". After considerable public outcry, many Fox affiliates announced that they would not air this interview. Fox subsequently pulled the broadcast and now your publisher refuses to release the book. Why do you think there was such a strong negative response?

OJ: Clearly it's because I'm black.

JH: Really?

OJ: No, man... I'm just fucking with you! I think the negative response is due to the fact that people don't like murderers.

JH: Yeah, I was going to say...

OJ: Dude, people get PISSED when you commit double homicide! Allegedly. It's hard to get restaurant reservations, I can't seem to land any TV commercials. The Hertz Rent-a-Car people won't even return my calls. It's too bad they cancelled the interview though. It was awesome! I dished some serious dirt on how I MIGHT have sliced up that bitch Nicole and her little punk ass boyfriend. I provided titillating details on how I COULD have ditched the knife and the bloody gloves, and on my HYPOTHETICAL plan to blackmail Kato Kaelin into keeping his mouth shut.

JH: I must admit, that does sound like good TV! Plus, I figure FOX already took the PR hit just for producing the interview. If you're going to do the time, you might as well do the crime, right?

OJ: I'm really more about doing the crime, then NOT doing the time.

JH: Touche.

OJ: What sucks the worst about this is that I had plans to turn "If I Did It" into a weekly reality series.

JH: Oh yeah?

OJ: Every week I would confess to how I, OJ Simpson, would have committed a famous crime, IF I had been the one to commit that crime. The possibilities were endless! In the pilot episode, I confess to how I might have raped and murdered Jon Benet Ramsey. You know, IF it had been me doing the raping and murdering.

JH: That's reprehensible.

OJ: It gets even better! While I'm confessing, you get to see dramatic reenactments of the crime. Obviously, I play myself in these staged versions of the crime. I was even able to get Kato some work in the pilot.

JH: Who did he play? Jon Benet's father? Or did Kato play John Mark Karr?

OJ: No, Kato played Jon Benet. That guy's got more talent than anyone gives him credit for. He was surprisingly convincing as a six year old beauty queen. But now no one will get to see it because Rupert Murdoch is a big fat PUSSY.

JH: If you don't mind me asking, how much money were you going to make off of all this... the book, the interview special on Fox, this reality series?

OJ: Let's just say I was set to MAKE A KILLING!

JH: Good one, OJ.

OJ: Get it? "Make a killing", because I killed those people--

JH: --allegedly. Yeah, I get it. So what's next for you, Mr. Simpson?

OJ: Well, I'm thinking about getting into sports broadcasting.

JH: You want to call football games? Do you actually think any network will hire you? You murdered two people!

OJ: Well, Dennis Miller murders COMEDY every time he steps in front of a mic, but that didn't stop them from putting him on Monday Night Football.

JH: Hahaha. Nice Dennis Miller burn, OJ! I really wish that smarmy prick had been the one sleeping with your ex-wife.

OJ: I hear that! Seriously though, I'm not stupid. I know they won't hire me to broadcast football games. But I'm pretty sure I can land a gig doing color commentary for the underground knifef-ighting championships they do over in the Philippines.

JH: Outstanding. Well, thanks for talking with me today, OJ.

OJ: Allegedly.

JH: Huh?

OJ: Maybe this interview happened, maybe it didn't. But if it did, then it was my pleasure!

JH: Whatever, jackass.

Posted by Joey at December 6, 2006 03:00 AM

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